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I'm new to this, not sure how much info. to give. I hope you'll be gentle with me....I'm sincerely looking for constructive feedback, not "don't be so needy", or "get therapy"....thanks.
I am in a relationship of almost living together 2 years (known each other long time).
He's a great guy in many ways....not perfect. There's one nagging problem that I keep struggling with for much of the relationship, its this:
He calls himself "semi-retired". He is 67. He works for 4 different places...3 out of 4 temp type agencies. The 3 agencies (I also work for one of them) offers high-end catering jobs. The other two is down in Bay area (hour drive minimum down to jobs in Mill Valley)...San Francisco 2 hours on a good day. Thats where the other two temp jobs come in - when people move its an expensive agency (they pay well) to have a team come in and organize the move, and move the people. Those two jobs when he gets typically run 2-4 days at a time. So when he takes those (which is always), he spends the night with friends down there to avoid the daily commute.
The 4th job he just took. An Italian restaurant a half hour drive away - so now thats nights...He claims would be just during the week (partly so when gets calls for catering jobs on Saturdays can be available)
MY problem is this; the erratic-ness of his work schedule is stressful for me. He doesn't understand this as his previous girlfriends didn't complain. But he had mostly stable/regular hours in the past with previous girlfriends. I'm not trying to give him a hard time, honestly...I know this is his work, he has a strong work ethic (I work with him sometimes on catering jobs, and am impressed....he is always one of the hardest workers).
I am a more stable, wanting some routine person. To me, when there is zero routine, its very hard to schedule things, hard to know what to expect. Thats another big piece of this: often a call comes in and presto....things i was say hoping to get done around the house with him go out the window...as he now has work.
We read the Love Languages book. His big thing is words of appreciation. I'm trying to be better. My thing is quailty time (and quality listening...another issue but will save for another post!). I don't get quality time. Quality time is time planned in advance, something you can look forward to with the person. Personally I'd like that every week.
So....I know this is scattered - apologies...I'm getting clear as I write...over time together we established Sundays as a solid day together. Its a nice day - not a business day so we don't get lured into handling personal business stuff. We go hiking out in various beautiful local areas. Sleep in a little first. Thats our day together.
Because of his erratic schedule - some weeks end up 6 days of work, some days only 3 shifts (mind you he is supposedly "semi-retired") there are perks such as we get unexpected time together. For example, today we slept in late together. Afterwards, he got a call for a job this Sunday and took it. Says he needs the money so I guess he does. I'm the bad gf and I did complain.
Not even sure if complaining but when he asks if Ok....I feel like there's no safe answer. What hurts is he says stuff like "I gave you last Sunday"....I said "please don't say you gave ME last Sunday...Sundays are a day we agreed upon for US and your either invested or your not". Then "I need to make money", me - "I hear ya, go for it". The biggest remark that bugs me is "we just spent good quality time together"...to me spontaneous time generally is not quality time - at all...its nice time, I like it, but its not planned, its not something I could look forward to....and somehow he just doesn't get that.
I feel I've done a bad job outlining this as it seems 2-3 issues around it. My biggest memory of his work is the oft feeling of stress and never knowing....sitting down to eat a meal together and a work call comes in and I wonder "is he going to be gone 4 days/nights next week? Will I see him at all?
I guess bottom line is I just don't feel secure. I want to know, weekly (without some huge commitment) that he's going to be AROUND, to help with projects we talk about doing, to simply have some sort of regular activities we do together I see other couples doing....
Me? I raised a daughter and we had structured and unstructured time but there was a routine - her school, weekly activities, me - work, activities....and yes, the unexpected playdates, special times were always a blast. So this is a very new issue for me. I don't think with any of my previous relationships I've dealt with this....once was with a guy who always worked late nights (restaurant) - that was hard for me and I eventually broke up. Here, I'm just now realizing what a huge issue this is for me and perhaps just not ever going to feel comfortable. I had HOPED recently we could sit down to talk and I could broach brainstorming (with his agreement)...IS there some way of creating some level of routine into our week so that I can expect just knowing when we can "touch in" couple times of week regularly....without it interfering with him accepting calls/jobs. I'm starting to think though (he's not the most patient listener and you see the types of responses he gives above), that this is just going to be asking for too much. What do you think?
three things:
1. thanks for posting.
2. your post is waaaay too long.
3. please ask ONLY one question.
(one complete sentence with a question mark at the end, with ZERO "ands" and "buts".)
after that, then we can move on your next, single, question.
as you have already noticed...i have a "one track" mind.
I think you are simply too incompatible. Very different types of people. You are structured. He is totally the opposite. He's ready to up and go at a moments notice. I think its obvious he really enjoys what he is doing. If you both were much younger, there might be some say that compromise is in order, but at the age of 67, he's probably doing exactly what he wants to be doing.
You seem to want to label things. You say spontaneous time isnt quality time...says who? It is what you make it. Its up to you to make quality time, instead of nagging. Yes, you sound like you are nagging. You say he's semi retired. Who cares what it is, he's working and he enjoys it. Semi, quarterly, whatever. Structuring Sundays to be your day together is just setting yourself up for disappointment when his schedule is different all the time. You really need to be more flexible if you want to make this work.
I think you are simply too incompatible. Very different types of people. You are structured. He is totally the opposite. He's ready to up and go at a moments notice. I think its obvious he really enjoys what he is doing. If you both were much younger, there might be some say that compromise is in order, but at the age of 67, he's probably doing exactly what he wants to be doing.
Yep.
You shouldn't have to feel guilty for making your wants and needs known.
You two are incompatible. He won't change, and you shouldn't have to. Find a guy who has a more regular job.
I agree you're incompatible. Quality time is also my main one and my now ex was awful at it. Not that she was always working, but when together always distracted on her phone or ipad. Drove me nuts and a deal breaker for me. Sounds so simple, but when someone doesn't get it, they're not the right one.
You shouldn't have to feel guilty for making your wants and needs known.
You two are incompatible. He won't change, and you shouldn't have to. Find a guy who has a more regular job.
Thanks BirdieBelle....sucks. But thanks. And I actually think he would change if he knew how...I don't mean changing professions...but commit to having one or two evenings free per week? (brainstorming)
But yeah, while writing out my concerns I am realizing that after two years this is nagging at me and not going away...and its a bigger deal than I thought.
Well dang folks, was expecting to be dinged a little for perhaps wanting too much, or not respecting his work.
Ok. Do any of you think it would be asking too much for me to ask him to reserve two evenings a week? Or one evening and truly reserve the Sunday? My current job is in the school system. So when school starts...my life gets pretty intense. As well I do the occasional weekend catering job as well. I have several other commitments for myself I stick to specific days of the week.
I hate to even broach this with him. I've only set one deal breaker before and he doesn't respond well...(who does? I don't like them). If I commit to breaking up of course there is no conversation. If I do decide this is my deal breaker....I will want to let him know. Not as an ultimatum but just to let him know I really do need more stability.
Ditto the others. Having compatible primary love languages was a top priority when I started dating again. I wouldn’t have budged on this matter.
Thank you. When you found your next mate/partner...how did you broach? Its been a VERY long time since I dated. But I have dated in the past....I guess you just figure it out by dating someone what their values are.
Question...do you think its fair for me to say, ask him if he can make two evenings free each week? May be asking too much. I don't know.
Its kind of a big deal to ditch a relationship. I do love him and he love's me, a lot. Although I know thats never enough for a relationship to work.
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