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Old 07-31-2019, 08:36 AM
 
1 posts, read 156 times
Reputation: 10

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I would really appreciate some advice on this. I've been with my boyfriend almost one year and the relationship has been really great...really, I've never had any reason to be insecure about any aspect of it, he's a really good person and is honest and open. He has kept in touch with his ex-GF sporadically for the duration of our relationship and prior which I never had a problem with, as he's never given me a reason to not trust him and I understand that people can be friends with their exes. They've been broken up for almost 3 years so a good chunk of time passed between the end of his relationship with her and the beginning of ours.

Flash forward to this week. He told me that his ex was about to move to a new country and she called to tell him that she still has some things of his at her apartment. She invited him over to her place to retrieve them. He did tell me this and told me that this trip would only take an hour. She lives about 20 minutes away from his place. I've been staying at his place lately although we don't technically live together just yet, so I returned to his apartment after I got off work and cooked us dinner because I fully expected him to return early in the evening when he said he would. Except he never did. I didn't hear from him until almost 5 hours later, when he texted me saying he was going to be out late (this was after midnight so to me, it was already late.) I heard him stumble into bed around 2am, and he was clearly intoxicated.

Do I have a right to be upset with him? I haven't spoken to him yet because I don't want to get caught up in my feelings and say something I'll regret later. I have no reason to suspect anything romantic or sexual happened between them. I don't want to come off as petty and controlling but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm feeling hurt, disrespected and honestly, kind of jealous that he chose to spend the entire night hanging out with his ex over me...especially when he said he would be returning hours earlier than he actually did.

Any insight or advice would be appreciated.
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Old 07-31-2019, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,600 posts, read 42,195,359 times
Reputation: 84010
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyK9 View Post
I would really appreciate some advice on this. I've been with my boyfriend almost one year and the relationship has been really great...really, I've never had any reason to be insecure about any aspect of it, he's a really good person and is honest and open. He has kept in touch with his ex-GF sporadically for the duration of our relationship and prior which I never had a problem with, as he's never given me a reason to not trust him and I understand that people can be friends with their exes. They've been broken up for almost 3 years so a good chunk of time passed between the end of his relationship with her and the beginning of ours.

Flash forward to this week. He told me that his ex was about to move to a new country and she called to tell him that she still has some things of his at her apartment. She invited him over to her place to retrieve them. He did tell me this and told me that this trip would only take an hour. She lives about 20 minutes away from his place. I've been staying at his place lately although we don't technically live together just yet, so I returned to his apartment after I got off work and cooked us dinner because I fully expected him to return early in the evening when he said he would. Except he never did. I didn't hear from him until almost 5 hours later, when he texted me saying he was going to be out late (this was after midnight so to me, it was already late.) I heard him stumble into bed around 2am, and he was clearly intoxicated.

Do I have a right to be upset with him? I haven't spoken to him yet because I don't want to get caught up in my feelings and say something I'll regret later. I have no reason to suspect anything romantic or sexual happened between them. I don't want to come off as petty and controlling but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm feeling hurt, disrespected and honestly, kind of jealous that he chose to spend the entire night hanging out with his ex over me...especially when he said he would be returning hours earlier than he actually did.

Any insight or advice would be appreciated.
It's not petty or controlling to ask someone about their whereabouts when they behave suspiciously.

Of course you can ask him what happened. Calmly tell him that you missed him last night and ask where he was. Deal with the response.

Fortunately she is moving to another country.
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Old 07-31-2019, 08:40 AM
 
600 posts, read 114,181 times
Reputation: 1208
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyK9 View Post
I told me that this trip would take one hour...I didn't hear from him until almost 5 hours later
Do I have a right to be upset with him?
Sure. It was inconsiderate to not update you with his later arrival - especially since it he presumably expected to be home for dinner.
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Old 07-31-2019, 08:42 AM
 
1,686 posts, read 3,619,830 times
Reputation: 1308
Ask and be answered. I'm thinking the night turned into a sort of going away celebration which probably involved other friends.

Of course, try to control yourself when having the conversation.
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Old 07-31-2019, 08:47 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,958 posts, read 7,577,454 times
Reputation: 7778
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyK9 View Post
Do I have a right to be upset with him?
Yes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyK9 View Post
when he said he would be returning hours earlier than he actually did
Based on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyK9 View Post
kind of jealous that he chose to spend the entire night hanging out with his ex
But not this.
That it was his ex is of not much bearing, however, if he was going to be late it wouldn't have hurt to shoot off a message to let you know.

It probably warrants a chat to let him know how you feel nothing more
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Old 07-31-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Hockey Rulez, Texas
806 posts, read 262,611 times
Reputation: 1265
Before you feel too guilty about your feelings. During your conversation - ask him how he would feel if the reverse would happen. If you were out with an old boyfriend for 5 hours?

I will say - it does not look good for him.
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Old 07-31-2019, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Boulder, CO
474 posts, read 150,210 times
Reputation: 898
Was there indeed a box of his "old stuff" sitting just inside the front door ? Or in his front seat ? That would corroborate his story.

Did he come home drunk yet freshly showered ? Did he spring out of be and jump in the shower in the morning ? Red Flag, if so.

My gut feeling is this is a one-time free pass you can give him. Seems a bit out of the ordinary for him, maybe time just got away from him, went to a bar with her for "just a drink" which turned into 2 then 3 …
Casually mention you were worried when you did hear from him for so long and leave it at that.
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Old 07-31-2019, 10:36 AM
 
316 posts, read 60,573 times
Reputation: 614
Ask for an explanation, he's your boyfriend, I don't think it's unreasonable.
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Old 07-31-2019, 10:49 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,098 posts, read 8,406,700 times
Reputation: 11624
You have every right to be mad. He said he would be gone for an hour and was gone half the night only letting you know he would be out late way past the time he said he would be back. I would be mad based on this alone, but that he was hanging out with an ex girlfriend would make me even more upset. That's disrespectful to you and your relationship. He would have no issue if the situation was reserved? If they wanted to go out past him picking up his stuff, then he should absolutely have let you know out of respect. I would try to keep my calm and talk to him about what happened. If it's an isolated incident as you say and he is remorseful and sorry for making you upset, then maybe I could get past it if I were you.
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Old Yesterday, 11:05 PM
 
Location: PRC
3,030 posts, read 3,249,299 times
Reputation: 2812
I have to ask. Why would someone do that? The only answer I get from myself is because they dont care for you that much and it shows in this disrespectful action.

Really, there are plenty of men out there who are reasonably behaved, do you really need one who isn't?
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