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Old 08-01-2019, 09:31 AM
 
12,721 posts, read 10,034,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterShipWreck View Post
See, to me, going out with more than 1 girl at a time doesn't seem right to me. And, then I would also worry - what do I do if I like them both.
Here is where words matter-ish. Or really how words can have different inferences with different people. "Gout out with" (I have a teenager) is different than going on a date with. L

What is the problem with liking them both unless and until such time as a coupleship of exclusivity is formed? Sounds like making the perfect the enemy of the good.
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Old 08-01-2019, 09:43 AM
 
6,379 posts, read 6,138,375 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterShipWreck View Post
See, to me, going out with more than 1 girl at a time doesn't seem right to me. And, then I would also worry - what do I do if I like them both.

In the 2 weeks I spoke with my girlfriend, before we met for the 1st time, I had a few other women contact me. We hit it off so well on the phone that I decided to not bother with anyone else until I met her and saw how things went.

I am the type to never cheat - and to even go out with multiple people initially seems strange to me. I'd have to call it quits with someone before I went out with another woman.
I guess we are on the same page when it comes to this. I have probably liked more than one girl before but after talking to them I ended up liking one of them more as I found we had more things in common. Then I would start going out with her and forget about the other one.
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Old 08-01-2019, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
3,431 posts, read 1,707,835 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Here is where words matter-ish. Or really how words can have different inferences with different people. "Gout out with" (I have a teenager) is different than going on a date with. L

What is the problem with liking them both unless and until such time as a coupleship of exclusivity is formed? Sounds like making the perfect the enemy of the good.
I used to be like that poster when I did online dating until I found out that it is common-place, and women aren't offended by it at all as long as you haven't established that anything is official or gotten physical.

It no longer felt "wrong," but depending on your work/life schedule, I think it can be a little inconvenient to "date" (as in getting to know) more than one person at the same time. If you have to put off talking to/going out with one of them to fit in the other(s), I think that can be counterproductive in determining if a person is the right one. But that's more of a preference of mine, rather than some moral issue about it "feeling wrong" because I don't like juggling my schedule.
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Old 08-01-2019, 09:46 AM
 
6,379 posts, read 6,138,375 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I missed that. Thanks for clarifying. Or in case of this dumb bunny, straight up repeating. I feel the same way. For ME, that is actually the appeal of OLD. Different strokes.
Heheheh naaah. I probably didn’t word it out clearly. I can also see how online dating can work for others but its not for me.

Quote:
Is that working well for you? That's cool.
It worked fine for me when I was single.
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Old 08-01-2019, 09:47 AM
 
Location: New York
3 posts, read 238 times
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Online dating is convenient when you don't have time for dating in real time. When I was in college, it was my favorite way of relationships.
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Old 08-01-2019, 10:22 AM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,251 posts, read 4,691,834 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
I wouldn't go as far as to say that online dating is the end-all, be-all option as opposed to meeting people socially and organically, ie friends, college classes, etc.
Well, I would go as far as to say that. In fact, I did, because I was speaking for myself and my experiences.

Quote:
Depends on the Meetup, we have a few singles-focused Meetup groups around here, so that way you don't see a pretty lady and boom, your husband shows up next to her or hubby is at home because he's unsociable and doesn't like people.
Huh? I wasn’t interested in singles groups because I had a very narrow pool of men who fit my type. Singles ventures and events or groups is very much a “cast a wide net” situation. Not my M.O. But you do you.

Quote:
It can be just as costly to take someone out you met online than having met them in person. Not sure how you came up with that. Take them out, pay 40+ bucks, you think things went well..they agree to a 2nd date, and boom, they ghost you.
This is more of a gamble when you don’t even know the basics that can present non-starters. For instance, I could have accepted a date with one of the many men who approached me at a grocery store or while I was out running errands. Other than what they look like, which didn’t spark genuine interest for me, I didn’t know their age, relationship status, lifestyle choices, educational background, religious background, their intent/goal during the dating process, whether they have kids, etc. That’s just the basics. Sure, we could talk on the phone prior to a date, but all of the above stats are things I would have known from the start when I searched for and screened and filtered my pool of matches online. I knew the basics and then some.

Quote:
Well, there are some things that will just simply people will leave out of their profile or keep tucked away like some mental issue for instance.
You must not have much experience with dating because people do this whether they meet at school, college, clubs, bars, parties, work, friend of a friend, etc. Are you saying you think people don’t wait until x weeks or months to reveal sensitive details about their life? That because one meets a potential date at Starbucks or a bookstore that they’re going to reveal they deal with anxiety or struggled with an eating disorder? You are incredibly naive.

Most individuals are not going to open up about certain details until or unless they feel comfortable with the person they’re GTK. It doesn’t matter where you meet. There’s a certain level of emotional and/or mental intimacy that needs to be established before one starts to reveal certain details about their life.

Yes, I would have totally told those dudes that approached me at Kroger, Whole Foods, or Publix that I struggled with PPD after giving birth to my children, because that’s what people do when they meet organically. Lol

Quote:
I mean no one in their profile is going to say, "I have bipolar disorder" or that they've been married 3 times right IN their profile.
Do people who meet “organically” open up about their mental health struggles or past relationships or breakups upon exchanging numbers?

And yes, I came across profiles that were open about sensitive matters.

Quote:
Some feel it's best to save that for phone conversation or the first date. If they are really smart (sarcasm) they won't say anything at all until they have their first lash out. lol
That’s not smart. That’s withholding important details to avoid the possibility of being rejected or calling it off. And for the average first date, prior to building a rapport, since you’re starting from scratch with the basics, they’re not going to cover serious or deep matters that could be non-starters. For instance, most of the men in my pool were coming out of long-term marriages, and this was something discussed via messages and during phone conversations, prior to the first date. So the first date wasn’t a situation of dumping all of their bitter angst during lunch or dinner, except for this one dude. By fleshing them out via messages and over the phone, I was able to get a feel for their headspace regarding their situation.

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Sure...this is understandable. Smoking/non-smoking is a biggie.
My lifestyle criteria included significantly more than smoking vs. non-smoking. Lol

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I recall someone saying in their profile, "If you're a pop culture junkie, this will likely not work" as she was into more art, opera, crafts, etc. I recall a woman said she envied me for the ability to sit 2 hours through a movie...and I am like "Yeah, me and other millions of people that like to watch movies". Some antsy people apparently hate movies or can't sit through them...who knew, right? lol
Hence, a wasted date with someone who wouldn’t be a good match. And I knew those details from the get-go. Because my narrow pool of matches, especially high matches, were extremely well-matched in this (and other) areas.

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Wow, you put a lot of merit into the OKC malarkey survey?
Uh, yeah, because it worked amazingly well for me, for what I was looking for. Perhaps you’re just not familiar with genuine compatibility because you haven’t experienced it.

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I stopped after 100 questions,
That’s child’s play. Not even enough to determine baseline compatibility. But okay. You do you.

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but hey...and if I saw 90%, that was enough.
Again, I’m speaking as someone who experienced success with OKC’s platform and matching algorithm. My methods and approach presented me with a viable pool of high-quality potential matches.

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Plus the questions were getting way too intrusive,
Then don’t answer them. Just because you don’t like some of the questions doesn’t mean it didn’t work for others.

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granted I answered probably between a good 100 to 150. Not sure what kind person has the time to answer 1000+ of them though...only to be ignored regardless. Again who has that kind of time?
The people who answered that many questions? Do you not know what downtime is? No plans, no work, at home in the evening, etc. Or, maybe consider the questions were answered overtime. For those serious about the process, they’ll take the time to answer the questions. It’s part of why I strongly preferred those who took the time to answer a number of questions across a wide range of areas. It demonstrated their effort and approach to the process.

Quote:
It's moot, that's why I dumped OKC and went to sites like Match
Because you didn’t want to do the work and didn’t want women to reject you based on a low rating due to not enough data? I went on several dates with men I met on Match. I didn’t care for it. It didn’t compare to OKC’s platform and what I got out of it. But I’m sure it works great for others, and that’s fine.

Quote:
I've heard tons of complaints of MARRIED men on dating sites, posing as single men.
Because married men don’t pose as single men at clubs, bars, concerts, parties, meetup groups? Explain to me how you’d know a woman is not married if you approached her at DragonCon? If she said she’s single, you’d take it at face value because you met in-person? You wouldn’t take it upon yourself to inquire further about her situation/availability and possibly look her up?

And if you read what I said at the end of my previous post, you’d know that I advocate for discernment, screening, vetting, and so forth, which any and everyone should do no matter where they meet someone.

Quote:
Did you not read whatCould happen in both venues. Probably easier to get away with it online. I knew of a guy that was married had 3 different girlfriends in 3 different areas in opposite directions from where he lives. A married man could easily do this, too.
Please explain how it’s easier to deceive and misrepresent your life details online vs. in-person, since you have a lot of experience in this area. If someone is going to withhold details, manipulate, deceive, they’ll do so whether they meet online or in-person.

You’re saying that when I was approached by a seemingly well-to-do early-mid 40s gentleman when I went out to eat at a nice sushi restaurant that I could properly ascertain he’s available based on...? Asking him? Whether he has a ring? What if he was in the area for business? Could I still properly deduce his relationship status? Couldn’t he just tell me he’s single? Does that make it true because we met “organically”?

There are more holes in this logic than Swiss cheese.

Quote:
Well, I guess you're forgiving when it comes to height, because most women claimed to have walked out once they've noticed the ht. was a lie.
I didn’t concern myself with what most women do. But don’t fool yourself into thinking plenty of men don’t walk out or cut the date short because their date didn’t look as pictured. I had dates admit to such. People have preferences. It is what it is.

Quote:
Sure it's convenient, but outside of ignoring the emails you send out to be ignored, the ones that do respond...it's like pulling teeth to get you to meet them or they tap dance around meeting.
I see it as this. Dating sites, like online spaces in general, serve as a tool to interact with and meet people you normally wouldn’t cross paths with in your day to day activities. Dating sites, in general, have given many walks of life access to a large dating pool. That also includes the type of people who weren’t as likely to engage in typical singles activities in the past. So the people uninterested in bars, clubs, parties, social events, etc. It opened things up for different types and backgrounds of people. It presented possibilities for the quiet and introverted that weren’t the type to attend social functions. It allowed space for the shy types to put themselves out there and be “seen” in a way that represents them. It allowed the socially awkward types to dip their toes in the dating scene that would have been a terrifying exercise in the past.

I am not a party person. I don’t do clubs. The last club I visited was back when I was 18 and used a friend’s I.D. to get in. But it wasn’t really my style. I can count on two hands the number of bars I’ve been to. I’m not into parties, nor do I enjoy small talk. I loathe it. I know myself well enough to know I have a type. I didn’t cast a wide net. I had a carefully selected pool of potential matches. Online dating platforms fit like a glove and presented me with options that I didn’t have by relying on “old fashioned” methods. It put me in touch with men who fit my baseline criteria.

And it worked really, really well, for me. YMMV.

Quote:
A major complaint I am hearing is how people wind up being texting buddies or pen pals without ever getting out to meeting in person. More of an ego boost for some really. For that dopamine rush.
Then use a different method. One approach doesn’t work well for everyone. It’s also important to realize that one’s experience is going to be highly dependent on a number of variables and factors. Region and location play a big role in the demographics of one’s dating pool. Like the 30/40-something transplant that laments about his online dating woes after he moves to a new location for work that happens to be a college town. He’s all bitter and mad that he’s not finding suitable matches or women aren’t responding to his messages. Perhaps because you’re not the target demographic in your new area. This is where critical thinking is important and why DEMOGRAPHICS play a big role in dating pools.

Quote:
Amen on the inperson chemistry. I think some people put way too much stock in online dating as being top dog with the way our parents met. I knew of a woman that wound up meeting a guy that didn't quite meet her criteria, and she fell for him. It seems people are more concerned with logistics than feelings when encountering someone. SOme have compromised on a standard or 2 when that person charmed tthe heck out of them.
Your anecdotes about “other women” are tiring. They only ever seem to come out when you need to validate your perceptions about dating. You also have a knack for projecting your disillusionment about the dating process, especially online platforms. For me, chemistry without genuine compatibility is not a viable option, hence my criteria and approach to dating. And being charming is not a substitute for compatibility. I wasn’t looking to just be not single or to acquire a partner to have fun and have sexual relations with. I wasn’t a teenager. It wasn’t high school or college. I had legit things that were very important to me, the kind of things that affect and influence the day to day and deeper dynamics of a relationship and household. Not whether the guy is charming and I like him enough and there’s some infatuation and chemistry. But others are, of course, free to use their own parameters when they’re dating.

Quote:
If you think about it, ONLINE dating just adds another LAYER to how we used to do things.
It is a tool. I don’t go driving around neighborhoods looking for open houses and for sale signs. I don’t go driving around neighborhoods looking for “garage sale” signs. I use CL or a similar platform. Most people probably don’t devote a lot of time to walking into businesses to see if they’re hiring. They search and apply online. Because it is a convenient and streamlined process and because you have greater self-selection. People who gripe and lament about “meeting people organically” have a romanticized view of how dating and relationships, historically, came to be. It wasn’t this rom-com-esque flirty glances in the produce aisle or handsome and charming guy picks up equally beautiful woman’s fallen grapefruit and sparks fly. For millennia, courting and marriage were practically arranged or heavily influenced by parents or tradition/customs. Chemistry and compatibility weren’t necessarily major factors and it was considered a “success” if a couple grew to like each other vs. merely tolerate for the sake of duty, tradition, image, children, etc. If you want to talk “old fashioned” and “traditional” we can do that — from a more accurate and historical lens and what it truly meant and the dynamics at play.

But that’s not really what this is. Your tedious rants are disguised as critiques of modern dating due to your own disillusionment and annoyance about your overall experience when you fail to do necessary introspection and understand the many different variables and factors that influence your success or lack thereof. You also exhibit a sense of entitlement and come off bothered that women have their own preferences and criteria that may not include you. You have a sophomoric attitude about dating. You think because the women in your anecdotes share some things in common with you and share an “equal” level of attractiveness then BOOM! you’re a match. This isn’t high school or college. Even my teenage daughter has more standards and expectations than surface-level stuff as the sole or primary indicator of a good match.

People like what they like. That may not be you and that’s fine. I wasn’t bothered that I wasn’t every man’s preference. Not every or even most men fit my criteria.

Last edited by Metaphysique; 08-01-2019 at 11:07 AM..
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Old 08-01-2019, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
3,431 posts, read 1,707,835 times
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It's really a matter of preference. For me Online dating was convenient in a sense because you could quickly start conversations, but on the other hand I found it somewhat inconvenient because it was harder to gage personality/ compatibility from the start. Also, in my experience, it usually took at least 2 weeks to set something up, and then you had to determine compatibility pretty quickly because online dating seems pretty rushed since people want to move to the next person quickly if they sense you're not a good match.

I much prefer meeting people in person b/c I get a sense of real personality and potential compatibility from the start before deciding whether to pursue. I met my girlfriend in real life on a group trip setup by a friend. We were friends for a while first while I got to know her, and once I felt it was a good connection, I pursed. That felt much more natural to me, and we have a more interesting/less embarrassing story of how we met (completely kidding)
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Old 08-01-2019, 10:31 AM
Status: "Now I know how Joan of Arc felt ..." (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Boulder, CO
508 posts, read 156,266 times
Reputation: 932
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
I had a couple of women, though responsive and corresponding, when I mentioned meeting, they'd use a stalling tactic. The ol', "I'll be out of town for a week, but when I get back, I should be good to go". Then a week passes, "Sorry, things are pretty hectic this week, but next week, I should be good".

Dangling the carrot as I call it.

AKA "Spinning plates"


AKA "Keeping you on the back-burner"
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Old 08-01-2019, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Hockey Rulez, Texas
820 posts, read 269,223 times
Reputation: 1295
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Here is where words matter-ish. Or really how words can have different inferences with different people. "Gout out with" (I have a teenager) is different than going on a date with. L

What is the problem with liking them both unless and until such time as a coupleship of exclusivity is formed? Sounds like making the perfect the enemy of the good.
I guess I can see how that is different in a way. To ME - it is the same. I get that 1 date and only 1 date is one thing... Going out with someone several times is "going out with someone" to me.

To me - it still feels like a mild form of cheating. I do not want to have to worry about liking more than 1 person at a time. I do not want to have to hide that I am also seeing someone else - or to have to tell someone that as well. I will always be the type to go out on a date with 1 person at a time. Make a decision to move on or continue before I go out on a date with someone else.

I believe in 100% total honesty in order to make a relationship work, and I do not want to feel like I am hiding something from a woman

Last edited by MisterShipWreck; 08-01-2019 at 10:51 AM..
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Old 08-01-2019, 10:54 AM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,251 posts, read 4,691,834 times
Reputation: 9335
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
Isn't that the point, though? You want to stand out to the people who would find you the most interesting (and vice versa.) If someone reads your profile and passes you by because they don't think they'll click with you, that's good.
Exactly. I had a very carefully chosen audience. I didn’t write my profile with the approach to cast a wide net. I wasn’t looking to just attract the interest of “men.” I had a type and my type responded very well to my profile, as it was designed. It did what it was intended to do. Sometimes, the people who struggle take the approach of shooting their shot with anyone who they find reasonably attractive and meets a few basic parameters and hoping it sticks. There’s nothing in their profile or bio that stands out.

Not everyone understood my approach or got out of it what my audience did. But that was the point. My profile served as a screening tool.
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