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Old 08-01-2019, 10:54 AM
 
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[quote=Metaphysique;55819631]... snipping sensible stuff for brevity.

Quote:
People like what they like. That may not be you and thatís fine. I wasnít bothered that I wasnít every manís preference. Not every or even most men fit my criteria.
You and the poster to whom you respond want very different things. You want a compatible partner. That poster seems to just want a partner. And getting past obstacles is the goal, not actually being compatible. This is not uncommon.
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Old 08-01-2019, 12:18 PM
 
3,865 posts, read 1,788,255 times
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[quote=somebodynew;55819922]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique View Post
... snipping sensible stuff for brevity.



You and the poster to whom you respond want very different things. You want a compatible partner. That poster seems to just want a partner. And getting past obstacles is the goal, not actually being compatible. This is not uncommon.
If by "not uncommon" you (somebodynew) are saying that women tend to screen men out early on, and men tend to screen women in early on, I agree. Why do you think that is?

Last edited by homina12; 08-01-2019 at 01:23 PM..
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Old 08-01-2019, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Middle America
36,882 posts, read 42,215,447 times
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it's been years, but much more convenient and efficient, in terms of meeting people.
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Old 08-01-2019, 01:35 PM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,251 posts, read 4,691,834 times
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[quote=homina12;55820768]
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post

If by "not uncommon" you (somebodynew) are saying that women tend to screen men out early on, and men tend to screen women in early on, I agree. Why do you think that is?
This is going to be very dependent on many different factors. Your average teenager or young adult will have an entirely different view of criteria than a young professional, and someone coming out of a long-term relationship or marriage with a whole life, a few kids, is going to have different parameters compared to the young professional. I don’t think it’s necessarily a men vs. women situation. Not only does life stage impact our criteria, but the many different things that impact or influence our identity, lived experiences, background, worldview, temperament, personality type, relationship history, family dynamics, personal issues, etc.

Young people may approach it from the “you’re cute, we have fun, we vibe well, etc.” point of view. Exposure to interests and other singles relies heavily on proximity and exposure. They’re fellow classmates, live in their neighborhood, friend of a friend, met at church or a school function, and so forth. Depending on the area, you can likely assume the people around you think like you in terms of values systems and accepted norms and traditions. It’s all golden. They simply don’t have the life experience to really know what actual compatibility is. They’re not at that stage where it matters. But it does matter. I see it all.the.time among couples that met in high school or college when things were carefree and cool without major responsibilities or other important factors to consider. Just “you’re cute/hot *giggle giggle* and seem to have a ‘nice’ personality (with their limited understanding of human psychology and social dynamics) and we do cool things together.” When you’re young and carefree, that’s what the relationship is built on. You go out, have fun, do activities, “vibe” well, make out, and do things that young people do.

There’s no household to run or children to raise. They’re not looking to the future and thinking “How would this person react during a crisis or hardship?” or “How would our dynamic play out during unexpected events, like if the a/c broke and you don’t have 4K+ to fix it or the house needs major repairs and your hours got reduced at work.” You know, real things that affect relationship and household dynamics. So they couple-up because young love and when family life and adult life sets in, things start to really change. They start to notice things don’t align well and there are major differences in many different areas. But it’s too late because family, kids, finances, expectations, etc.

An example, recently speaking with my younger sister in her mid-20s, she brought up dating. All of the things I mentioned. The guy she likes has a good job, he’s really nice, good-looking, they vibe well, both want marriage and kids in the future. Great. But I encouraged her to dig deeper. Do they see eye-to-eye on how their household will be run and how their kids will be raised? Do their personality types mesh? Do they have enough commonalities and shared interests? What’s his emotional intelligence like? Do they have compatible love languages and communication styles? What about sense of humor, life goals, financial goals, etc.? Will he support her if she wants to stay at home for the first few years after having kids? Will he agree to that? Are they on the same when it comes to parenting practices, styles, and philosophy? What if he’s an anti-vaxer and she’s pro-vaccination? What if he believes in corporal punishment? My mother didn’t use this approach. Is he going to get up at 2am with an inconsolable baby or is he the “that’s your job” type? Is he the “I’ll babysit” his own kids type or only engage with them when its an interaction or life lesson time? Will he play an active and engaged role in raising their kids? Because the data on division of labor, for dual-income households, still falls on the woman, along with most of the childcare duties and invisible labor.

As much as people pretend it’s all or mostly about attraction, warm fuzzies/chemistry, “having fun together,” vibing, none of that really matters once the newness wears off and real life sets in. It’s *really* easy to have fun, do activities, hangout, go on vacations, etc. The day to day dynamics, when life isn’t all fun and carefree, are not that simple. It’s not easy to get along with someone if you have desperate temperaments, personalities, ways of doing things, quirks, communication styles, and so forth.

I have this exact same conversation with young single women looking for their ideal match. They’re smart, educated, attractive, accomplished, and they think those qualities alone are what create working and healthy relationship dynamics. They often prioritize the wrong things and wonder why this or that dude isn’t compatible. If one isn’t dating with genuine compatibility in mind, for their life stage/goals/dynamic, don’t be surprised if you realize it wasn’t a good match. I teach my kids these principles, especially my eldest daughter, and she’s several years away from college. Men and women need to be more discerning and selective and take time to do some introspection and soul-searching. Both need to take into consideration relationship and household dynamics and not simply surface-level attributes.

P.S. my husband took the same approach I did. He was very selective. It’s why it took him 10 years, off and on, to find his ideal match. Of the dates I went on when I was actively meeting new people, roughly 5% were top top matches. I married one of them and dated the others. There were a number of other fairly high matches, but the timing was off or distance was an issue. I didn’t want just any man who was charming, attractive, “nice,” fun, and whatever else. I went out with plenty of these types when I dated more casually. Emphasis on the causal part. I need meat, not milk.
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Old 08-01-2019, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Kaliforneea
1,291 posts, read 965,173 times
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When ever we have these threads about online dating, people bring up their various points, some are very true and heartfelt, and other people drop one-line zingers about flakey people or their treadmill of options.

But for this post, I try focus on just a few points.

pro: yes you can click Like on people, and send them a PM even in your pajamas in the wee hours of the night. That has the advantage, like a woman doesn't have to do her hair and makeup, I dont have to shave or be dressed all spiffy like if I was trying to chat up a girl at happy hour. So you feel it could be "more time efficient" because it's 11:21pm on a weeknight anyways.

con: there is a staggering number of profiles, which put absolutely zero effort into it. They dont try to summarize or disclose their true personality. They throw up 3 pics and 3 lines, and apparently still get more replies than they can process or evaluate.

I am on OKCupid, and the interface has changed ALOT in the past few years. You cannot search by bare 'keywords', you can only search for pre-fabbed 'interests'. The Questions and Answers section has been greatly simplifed and now fall into 3 categories: things you agree on, things you disagree on, and questions you haven't answered yet. I answered over 650 questions, believing that the Match score (they eliminated the Enemy score) would somehow make the cream rise to the top. But at some level, DOCUMENTING all your stances on complex social issues and political leanings might simply give people more easy reasons to reject you.

Commenting on the quality of applicants: if I go to an event in real life, for one afternoon of effort I can get a phone number here and there. You don't even think about the "also rans" in the room. BUT, with online dating, your Likes or Match list forces you to confront and consider a bunch of candidates where you say "oh no, that's not a match for me. Did this person even READ my profile?" Here the also-rans which your eyes would merely pass over in real life, are like browsing through the Thrift Store or Goodwill and I need a sweater that doesn't stink or a table without a wobbly short leg.

Strictly as a time-based-return-on-investment: online dating effort exceeds reward, in that I have only gotten 1 real-life-face-to-face date in 2019: it sputtered for 4 weeks and ran out of gas on the runway - I never kissed her, and she told me she'd rather get back with her ex. (she did delete her profile after matching with me + trading numbers).

I had a good run in 2018 with one girl, but that relationship ended and that's what brought me back to OLD in 2019. I really don't want to continue doing it because it just makes you feel TIRED.
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Old 08-01-2019, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Iowa
212 posts, read 47,878 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
I found it easier to go out with a friend as there was no romantic pressure when going out. It was as simple as going to the mall to pick something up and then going for dinner or whatever. I could stay friends with the other girls because we didn't do anything that could be considered going beyond what friends do. If I happened to like someone more than just friends and the feeling was mutual then our focus would be towards each other. I wouldn't see anybody else from that point on. I have travelled around the world with friends before and even shared a room. We have both been respectful of our friendship. No flirting no nothing. Simple friendship, travelling the world, and that was it. There are people that think it is impossible to travel with someone of the opposite sex and share a room without something happening. I find it possible.
Could you clarify the timeline? How long would you typically spend as friends (from the very first time meeting) before asking a girl out on a date?
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
I said that I preferred to know someone a little more before arranging to go out instead of risking going out on a blind date and find out half way through the date activity that I rather would have stayed home.



He said that if I only focused on one girl I wouldnít get many dates so I replied saying I didnít date a lot of girls to see which one I would hit it off with. When I was single I could date a girl or two in a certain time, no problem, but I would prefer to focus on the one I liked the most.
I still don't agree that it's much of a risk. I've enjoyed meeting some girls even if just for one date. I can count on one hand the number of dates I actually wished I hadn't gone on, and even then the price wasn't that steep.

My question was actually about how many girls you would try to get to know as friends first. I agree with only dating one at a time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC View Post
I guess we are on the same page when it comes to this. I have probably liked more than one girl before but after talking to them I ended up liking one of them more as I found we had more things in common. Then I would start going out with her and forget about the other one.
You would forget about your friend?
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Old 08-01-2019, 06:26 PM
 
12,721 posts, read 10,034,206 times
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[quote=homina12;55820768]
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post

If by "not uncommon" you (somebodynew) are saying that women tend to screen men out early on, and men tend to screen women in early on, I agree. Why do you think that is?
I don't. When I said this "That poster seems to just want a partner." It is not uncommon for a person to want a partner, pretty much any partner. This is very common among men in my experience.
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Old 08-01-2019, 06:34 PM
 
8,275 posts, read 6,084,566 times
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[quote=somebodynew;55823652]
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post

I don't. When I said this "That poster seems to just want a partner." It is not uncommon for a person to want a partner, pretty much any partner. This is very common among men in my experience.
I can see that. Men tend to want a relationship just for a relationship. I think one factor is that (the current generation of) men are more likely to have few relationships and fewer options. But with relationship experience, people tend to know who they go together with.
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Old 08-01-2019, 09:19 PM
 
793 posts, read 204,597 times
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[quote=TJenkins602;55823702]
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post

I can see that. Men tend to want a relationship just for a relationship. I think one factor is that (the current generation of) men are more likely to have few relationships and fewer options. But with relationship experience, people tend to know who they go together with.

Goes back to the "Men are generally happier in a relationship" concept.
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Old 08-02-2019, 04:44 AM
 
12,721 posts, read 10,034,206 times
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[quote=At Arms Length;55824703]
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post


Goes back to the "Men are generally happier in a relationship" concept.
I did not see that comment, so I can't"go back to it" comment's context. So hopefully I am not off base too far.

I don't know if men are or are not generally happier in a relationship. I do think you see in dating a difference (whether by nature or nurture as it were, I don't know) that persists into long term relationships. Getting a relationship turns into simply being in one. The state of having the relationship is the thing. The quality of the relationship is often more "the thing" for women.

I can't tell you how many times in my life that men have told me "but I love you" in response to a conversation about issues I may have. As if carrying that feeling around with them is the be all and that their treatment of me just is whatever.

So when I see guys asking over and over how to get this relationship/woman device (not much different than say a new stereo or guitar) that they can put on the shelf and take out when they want, it makes me sigh internally.
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