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Old Yesterday, 09:01 AM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,213 posts, read 281,364 times
Reputation: 1101

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I want nothing more than to help other women stay strong when the world will seem against you. I think of myself as independent....& emotionally strong.... always thought I had what it took to do anything in my life....u n t i l I was betrayed in my short marriage....& found out later after the ring was on my finger my husband had been with someone for a very long time..."dating" both of us..(E D I T: at the SAME TIME).. before our marriage & she had had a baby. That was shocking..BUT the really shocking part of it....was I stayed with him at first. I can't give an answer for it....other than to say I felt *less than*.....I felt embarrassed....I felt "emotionally paralyzed" to make a move....& it did not help I got to know the child & spent some time with him too. To the outside world...we looked like a happy family. On the inside.....I was *devastated*. My marriage was a joke.....

Instead of finding the *courage* to walk out ....& suffer the embarrasment & show my pain.......we *tried* at first....(for me it was emotional numbness).... I was far from my parents & sisters....didn't have many "close" friends cause I was new to Texas because of his job relocation..(that's what forced him to be "outed")....& that didn't help me. I was dealing with so much pain on the inside. My marriage was over before it hardly started....I knew it....but between my ...(surprise!) stepson & not wanting to admit I had made some *awful* decisions in...( E D I T: who I married).....I turned to meeting a few guys & had some dates while I was still married. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but that's what I did. Until I did what I needed to do...& filed for a divorce. I was judged for what I was doing...& I was wrong...but I'd do it again in a heartbeat after what happened. I'm less than perfect & I'm so Ok with that. Some say I care about *image*....& that is not true. I cared about my own emotional survival & having the strength to finally speak my truth ....& now that I know how emotionally strong I am, I care what my Bf & family thinks...A N D........WHAT I THINK! It's my life.......

A man's problems...whether it is cheating or being abusive or lies from the start ........ IS NOT OUR FAULT & it is NOT our shame. It doesn't make us not good enough.......it makes *HIM* not good enough.......& if you are made to feel it is your fault....or if you believe it is....S T O P & give yourself a hug. Turn all that energy to yourself & be selfish......to your work....to growth......to what you love.......to your family.......not to a man who hurt you with HIS problems. Take your life back.......

I don't have a question.....but please share your thoughts & discuss....if you have suffered betrayal in a relationship & you found your way back too....

Last edited by TashaPosh; Yesterday at 10:28 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 10:07 AM
 
6,794 posts, read 2,447,917 times
Reputation: 15602
I can COMPLETELY relate to all of what you said. I thought our marriage breaking up was my fault. I wasn't good enough. In spite of the fact that he cheated on me. That's the thing about cheating. It's not JUST about having sex with someone else. It's about how everything changes in a marriage, and the one cheated on can't quite figure out what's exactly going on, until the evidence is in your face.


"Why doesn't he want to have sex with me anymore?" "Why is he insulting me in front of our friends?" "Why is he so distant?" And the answer (I thought) was "I'm faulty." And even when I knew he was cheating, I still wanted to remain married to him...although he didn't. And a part of me hated that I felt that way.


I am SOOOO much better off without him. And I'm a happy girl in a happy marriage, and I'm my husband's queen. I know my worth now. Honestly, if I'd somehow remained married to my first husband, I'm not sure I'd ever come to know my worth.


And you know what? I don't really begrudge my first husband anything at all. I wish he had a better relationship with his kids...but that's about it. If he's having a happy life...I'm fine with that. I'M having a happy life, and he's a chapter from a long long time ago.
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Old Yesterday, 10:12 AM
 
594 posts, read 114,181 times
Reputation: 1208
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
my husband had been with someone for a very long time..."dating" both of us before our marriage & she had had a baby.

had some dates while I was still married.

The way your post reads, he may not have done anything wrong, immoral, unethical, dishonest, or deceitful.
He was with another woman. OK
He got her pregnant. OK
He started dating you. OK
He married you. OK
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Old Yesterday, 10:13 AM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,213 posts, read 281,364 times
Reputation: 1101
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
The way your post reads, he may not have done anything wrong, immoral, unethical, dishonest, or deceitful.
He was with another woman. OK
He got her pregnant. OK
He started dating you. OK
He married you. OK
It was at the same time. He never broke up with her *before* dating & marrying me.
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Old Yesterday, 10:15 AM
 
594 posts, read 114,181 times
Reputation: 1208
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
It was at the same time. He never broke up with her *before* dating & marrying me.

I suspected that but that wasn't completely clear.
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Old Yesterday, 11:46 AM
 
316 posts, read 60,573 times
Reputation: 614
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
It was at the same time. He never broke up with her *before* dating & marrying me.
Ugh. How awful.
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Old Yesterday, 01:44 PM
 
540 posts, read 323,596 times
Reputation: 433
Some women can improve how selective they are, can set higher standards for the men they get involved with. It doesnt make abused or cheated on women responsible for the poor choices of the men they are involved with, but those women are responsible for their own choices. Its a subtle but important difference.
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Old Yesterday, 02:08 PM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,213 posts, read 281,364 times
Reputation: 1101
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Some women can improve how selective they are, can set higher standards for the men they get involved with. It doesnt make abused or cheated on women responsible for the poor choices of the men they are involved with, but those women are responsible for their own choices. Its a subtle but important difference.
When you don't know...you don't know. So....there is not much to do about improving something that you don't know exists....BUT you can take a longer time to sort it out & I am ita with you on that! Due to his work relocation to Plano....it all got rushed....& I got caught up in all that was happening but I see now...with 20/20... why he was in a hurry & it was not just about his transfer. I was responsible for that fast choice...& I know that now..........

I improved in my selection in a very big way tho............& we both wanna take our time......
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Old Yesterday, 02:19 PM
 
540 posts, read 323,596 times
Reputation: 433
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
When you don't know...you don't know. So....there is not much to do about improving something that you don't know exists....BUT you can take a longer time to sort it out & I am ita with you on that! Due to his work relocation to Plano....it all got rushed....& I got caught up in all that was happening but I see now...with 20/20... why he was in a hurry & it was not just about his transfer. I was responsible for that fast choice...& I know that now..........

I improved in my selection in a very big way tho............& we both wanna take our time......
We will have to disagree. Maybe I am unusually talented but I always had a spidey sense about guys, if they were the lying cheating type or not and I was always right, as the truth gets revealed in time, always.

Some women are extra eager to be in a relationship.....any relationship, or they require the financial support, so they rush into a relationship with the first willing guy. I feel for those women and do hope they will find their independence.
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Old Yesterday, 02:31 PM
 
Location: New to Bay Area
1,213 posts, read 281,364 times
Reputation: 1101
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
We will have to disagree. Maybe I am unusually talented but I always had a spidey sense about guys, if they were the lying cheating type or not and I was always right, as the truth gets revealed in time, always.

Some women are extra eager to be in a relationship.....any relationship, or they require the financial support, so they rush into a relationship with the first willing guy. I feel for those women and do hope they will find their independence.
This is why it is SO important for women to have an education & a way to support themselves....so they never get stuck in a relationship that doesn't work out!!! I used to work with abuse victims & so I KNOW I am not the type to settle....(if I know the facts).........you gotta take your time because you just can't know a person in 2 or 3 months.....more like a year. The guy I dated before my current Bf now....I was able to see through him after a month.

There are lots of women that are married for twenty years before a betrayal.................E D I T: it's not fair to judge other women's relationships or abilities to know something that is intentionally hidden from us......... BUT we can say....take your time & know how to support yourself so you are never stuck......
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