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Old 08-01-2019, 06:46 PM
 
1 posts, read 64 times
Reputation: 10

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I have a boyfriend for 4 years, we are having a long distance relationship. When I met him I was eager to have a boyfriend since I never had a relationship before. After 1 year I introduced him to my family and they liked him. I did everything, I understand him, I was being so patient since we can only talk thru chats, voice call and video call. I always told myself he is enough, there are men who asks me out but I never go with them because I know it is wrong, I never entertained anyone. To be able to be together, I am the who need move where he is, he wanted me to apply to a university near him to study, even if I don't like I did it for him, but the university didn't accept me because of my citizenship, somehow I feel happy about that because I don't like that set-up. Then I met this guy online who is also from different country, we talk casually like how are you, how his day is. After 2 months of knowing each other we became very close but I never told him one thing, that I am in a relationship because I am afraid he will change the way he treated me. The same year my boyfriend go on a 1 week vacation with his kinda "ex girlfriend" and that really hurt my feelings and I think that also resulted to being more close to the 2nd man. After 2 months of being close friends he decided to visit me in my country and that time when he went here I told him everything, that I am already in a relationship and my problems about my boyfriend. I know the reason why he go here is because he already like me and I feel the same, I never felt this before with my boyfriend. This guy decided to move here in my country to be close to me, he treated me as his girlfriend, he gave me the love, care that I am longing for for a long time. It is easy like it sounded like I can choose this 2nd guy because obviously I should leave the first boy. But he always told me he can't live without me that he will suicide if I leave him, that is why I never did dare to do it. I am afraid he will do something bad to his self so I am stuck in this relationship. What should I do?
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Old 08-01-2019, 07:09 PM
 
Location: east coast
2,815 posts, read 2,314,398 times
Reputation: 1875
First, you need to NOT put any blame on you. We are all human, not robots. We cannot always determine who we connect with and who we fall in lust/love with. It is very difficult for just 1 person to give us everything that we need for the rest of our lives. This is why there is a lot of infidelity and divorce in many societies today.

Secondly, you will have to make a decision on if this new person is the one you want to be with. There is no "forever", so that should not be part of the equation. Love is never guaranteed and is mostly temporary until one decides to move on. Therefore, if for some reason something doesn't work with this new man, you have to be willing to be alone until you can move on.

Finally, you should do what makes YOU happy. Staying with someone simply for fear that the other person may commit suicide is essentially committing relationship suicide yourself. You are not obligated to anyone, not even after marriage because any relationship can be broken.

However, the first thing you need to do is find your inner strength in order to do what you want with your life. If you are making decisions based off of someone else's guilt trip on to you, then you haven't yet found yourself.

Make your decisions without a heavy conscious. You may need to seek the help of a professional to help you through this transition. You may also want to seek help for your current BF.
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Old 08-01-2019, 07:28 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,111 posts, read 71,106,659 times
Reputation: 77230
Your first bf, whom you've never met in person, is threatening suicide if you leave him? How much sense does that make? You're not "with" him anyway. This is a very manipulative tactic. And this is the same guy who went on a 1-week vacation with an ex-girlfriend?

OP, here's what's really going on. The first bf is trying to control you. He enjoys having you orbiting around him, while he's free to see whomever he wants. This guy is a jerk. He doesn't really care about you. It's all just a game to him.

Drop him, and go with the 2nd guy. If the 1st guy threatens suicide, tell him that's his choice, it's not your responsibility. In other words, call his bluff, because that's all it is---be's bluffing. Don't give it another thought. If he tries to dramatize it and create a scene, tell him to call a suicide hotline, then hang up, and block him so he can't continue to harass you.

We have a saying in English: "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". You have a guy who's ready to devote himself to you, and has moved to where you are. He treats you well (the other one does not). Grab this chance for happiness, and don't look back. Congratulations, OP. You're very fortunate. Don't let some ego-driven controlling jerk stand in the way between you and a partner who sincerely cares about you, and has demonstrated that to you.

The other one won't commit suicide, don't worry. It's just an empty threat.
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Old 08-01-2019, 07:33 PM
 
401 posts, read 323,276 times
Reputation: 367
There's always the old trick of setting him up with your friend
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Old Yesterday, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Aberdeen
183 posts, read 273,483 times
Reputation: 424
From what you have said, I would not call what you have with the first man a real relationship. Friendship at best maybe. If his emotional state is really so weak that he will kill himself without you, do you really think that sounds like a healthy relationship for the future? A man so co-dependent that he has to control you with threats of suicide? That sounds crushingly oppressive and immature to me. You want a man strong enough and mature enough that he can take care of himself and WANTS to take care of you TOO. There is a really fine line between wanting and needy. The first guy is way over the line towards needy. Let his ex deal with him.
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Old Yesterday, 01:43 PM
 
5,658 posts, read 3,689,761 times
Reputation: 5486
A boyfriend of four years whom you've never met is not a boyfriend. That's a friend on the internet.
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Old Today, 05:58 AM
 
1,073 posts, read 672,583 times
Reputation: 3268
You've met and spent time in person with the second person. And after spending time with you face to face he actually wants to move to live closer to you. The first guy isn't even a boyfriend, hrs just a pen pal online. Tell the first guy that you're no longer interested in being online only and you've decided to move on.
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