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I’m trying to figure out whether I should be in a committed, exclusive relationship with the woman I’ve been dating for 5 weeks now. After 3 weeks, we made it an official relationship and announced it to others but for the past 2 weeks I’ve been thinking that was a rushed decision. When I’m not worrying about this issue, I actually have a great time with Mary (her name) but there’s often this lingering worry in the back of my mind. Basically, from counseling and getting in shape, my self-confidence has gone up a lot and there’s a part of me that wants to date many women (still including Mary) and then pick the one that I feel I’d have the best long-term, monogamous relationship with. I definitely could still see it being Mary but part of me feels I owe it to myself to have a larger sample of dating experiences and then figure out who I want to be with long-term. It’s not that I fear having to commit to one woman as far as sex goes. What I really fear is spending the rest of my life sub-optimally – living my whole life with someone and it turning out that I would have been happier with someone else. For my whole adult life, this has been a huge fear actually. It’s prevented me from ever settling down with a woman. I’m 33 and I seldom date a woman for more than a few weeks, though I’ve had 3 relationships that lasted between 6 months and a year. I never had an extended period of time (like more than a week) where I was very confident I was with the right person and had no lingering worries, including in those 3 longer relationships. Part of me thinks these worries now have nothing to do with Mary or my relationship with her and would have come up with anyone I’m dating. But another part of me thinks I’d know it and not have any doubts if I were with the right person. If I shared any of my thoughts with her and she decided she didn’t want to keep seeing me, I would consider it a huge loss. So I basically have no idea what to do.
I think when you are with the right person you don't want to date anyone else. You're happy with what you have. But I think it can take longer than 3 weeks or 5 weeks or even a few months to decide if you feel this way or not. If Mary is a great girl and you're happy, then why don't you stick it out for a couple months and see what happens? It will become clear to you that she's the right girl or you'll continue to have doubts and decide to move on.
So it sounds like at 33 you have finally reached a place where you are comfortable enough to date. A place most people get to when they are in high school or college. I think it's only fair, that like someone in high school and college, you keep your options open and experience what people in their teens and 20's go through...a pool of dating partners, weeding out what you like and dislike.
Most people would inform someone with little experience to not rush into a relationship.
So it sounds like at 33 you have finally reached a place where you are comfortable enough to date. A place most people get to when they are in high school or college. I think it's only fair, that like someone in high school and college, you keep your options open and experience what people in their teens and 20's go through...a pool of dating partners, weeding out what you like and dislike.
It does feel that way although I'm not sure I'm fully there yet.
Quote:
u need counseling.
u r having trouble with yourself and committments.
But another part of me thinks I’d know it and not have any doubts if I were with the right person.
IME... False. Thinking people (including you, obviously) have doubts. There is no guaranteed way around them.
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