U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-03-2019, 12:40 AM
 
311 posts, read 132,619 times
Reputation: 346

Advertisements

I’m a female turning 29 in a couple months and I am still single. I’ve been single about four years, following the end of a two-year relationship. I have dated plenty since then, but no relationships with legs have resulted. I’ve come to realize I’m pretty picky perhaps and I have actively been trying to give people more of a chance. So I did that and I was just dating a guy for several months up until June, really hoping it’d work out. Eventually it was clear we were just soo different though and forcing it was dragging out something that wasnt going to work out anyway. Now I am just feeling really discouraged. It sounds silly but at this time four years ago (24 going on 25), I never dreamed I’d still be single four years later. I always envisioned myself marrying by 28, 29 or 30 at the latest. Now, it’s looking like I might be 30 and still single. Most of my friends from high school are married or coupled up now which makes it even worse. I even have a friend who married at 24 (now pregnant with her second kid), who makes comments like “the guys in their 30s who are still single are mostly leftovers” and “you better hurry up if you want kids.”

I want a family and kids and all that too... but I don’t want to settle for someone just because of that. My mom tells me not to rush it or worry but she married at 32 and had three kids very easily. If I knew I inherited her fertility perhaps I’d feel better but I do think about the biological clock and having a couple kids before 35. I’ve tried practicing my moms mental approach but I still get literal anxiety attacks at times thinking about this.

Has anyone else dealt with this? For additional information, I lived in a rural part of Hawaii for about 2.5 of these past four years where the dating pool was slim so I always attributed it to that. I also traveled abroad an additional couple months of this time. But for the past year, I’ve lived in a big city with lots of prospects and still zilch relationship now, at almost age 29. I regret wasting five months dating this most recent guy that didn’t work out, and I fear doing this again over the next year with new guys. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-03-2019, 02:02 AM
 
385 posts, read 64,009 times
Reputation: 495
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxthinkpinkxo View Post
Iím a female turning 29 in a couple months and I am still single. Iíve been single about four years, following the end of a two-year relationship. I have dated plenty since then, but no relationships with legs have resulted. Iíve come to realize Iím pretty picky perhaps and I have actively been trying to give people more of a chance. So I did that and I was just dating a guy for several months up until June, really hoping itíd work out. Eventually it was clear we were just soo different though and forcing it was dragging out something that wasnt going to work out anyway. Now I am just feeling really discouraged. It sounds silly but at this time four years ago (24 going on 25), I never dreamed Iíd still be single four years later. I always envisioned myself marrying by 28, 29 or 30 at the latest. Now, itís looking like I might be 30 and still single. Most of my friends from high school are married or coupled up now which makes it even worse. I even have a friend who married at 24 (now pregnant with her second kid), who makes comments like ďthe guys in their 30s who are still single are mostly leftoversĒ and ďyou better hurry up if you want kids.Ē

I want a family and kids and all that too... but I donít want to settle for someone just because of that. My mom tells me not to rush it or worry but she married at 32 and had three kids very easily. If I knew I inherited her fertility perhaps Iíd feel better but I do think about the biological clock and having a couple kids before 35. Iíve tried practicing my moms mental approach but I still get literal anxiety attacks at times thinking about this.

Has anyone else dealt with this? For additional information, I lived in a rural part of Hawaii for about 2.5 of these past four years where the dating pool was slim so I always attributed it to that. I also traveled abroad an additional couple months of this time. But for the past year, Iíve lived in a big city with lots of prospects and still zilch relationship now, at almost age 29. I regret wasting five months dating this most recent guy that didnít work out, and I fear doing this again over the next year with new guys. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated.
Your friends are morons. Wait until you're at least 30 before you make any decisions that impact the rest of your life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 09:21 AM
 
5,672 posts, read 3,694,011 times
Reputation: 5502
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxthinkpinkxo View Post
I’m a female turning 29 in a couple months and I am still single. I’ve been single about four years, following the end of a two-year relationship. I have dated plenty since then, but no relationships with legs have resulted. I’ve come to realize I’m pretty picky perhaps and I have actively been trying to give people more of a chance. So I did that and I was just dating a guy for several months up until June, really hoping it’d work out. Eventually it was clear we were just soo different though and forcing it was dragging out something that wasnt going to work out anyway. Now I am just feeling really discouraged. It sounds silly but at this time four years ago (24 going on 25), I never dreamed I’d still be single four years later. I always envisioned myself marrying by 28, 29 or 30 at the latest. Now, it’s looking like I might be 30 and still single. Most of my friends from high school are married or coupled up now which makes it even worse. I even have a friend who married at 24 (now pregnant with her second kid), who makes comments like “the guys in their 30s who are still single are mostly leftovers” and “you better hurry up if you want kids.”

I want a family and kids and all that too... but I don’t want to settle for someone just because of that. My mom tells me not to rush it or worry but she married at 32 and had three kids very easily. If I knew I inherited her fertility perhaps I’d feel better but I do think about the biological clock and having a couple kids before 35. I’ve tried practicing my moms mental approach but I still get literal anxiety attacks at times thinking about this.

Has anyone else dealt with this? For additional information, I lived in a rural part of Hawaii for about 2.5 of these past four years where the dating pool was slim so I always attributed it to that. I also traveled abroad an additional couple months of this time. But for the past year, I’ve lived in a big city with lots of prospects and still zilch relationship now, at almost age 29. I regret wasting five months dating this most recent guy that didn’t work out, and I fear doing this again over the next year with new guys. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated.

Nothing wrong with that.

I met a gal at that age who hadn't had a real relationship in years and was constantly dating but nothing keeping her interest. Her sister was a few years older, had two kids, and her mother was sometimes on her about finding someone. She'd been in the bridal party for countless friends. I'd tease her once she hit 30 it'd be over for her, might as well get a few cats and give up...

She'd say she was picky... but I don't know if that was the case. I openly asked her what was wrong with her if she hadn't had a relationship in years... she said nothing which so far is true... I might've called her the rebound girl on the second date when she asked how long it'd been since my last relationship to our first date and the answer was less than a week... and a couple other flubs. The first couple dates were admittedly a little messy and she teases after each one she wasn't interested until she came to my place and I made dinner and she met my dogs, then she was hooked.

She was just not interested in settling. You can really tell in the first couple months the long term prospects, I feel a lot of people ignore the warning flags. I've had a couple relationships go on for 3+ years that looking back I could see were doomed from the start.

It's a numbers game. I never thought I'd be 30 and still figuring it out, but in this day and age there really isn't anything wrong with that. I'm good looking, successful, in theory dreamy in the modern age... I've dated girls that wanted to marry me... I just never felt the same way. Honestly having a family in my twenties would probably be a train wreck. I feel like my 30s are going to be much more stable.

The 29 year old is now 30 and hasn't had to get any cats. It's the easiest relationship I've ever been in (it's work, but it's easy getting a long. A good relationship always requires work) and I wouldn't trade it for settling down earlier in life. If I had to go to 35 to find it, so be it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 09:29 AM
 
1,245 posts, read 375,930 times
Reputation: 3966
Maybe you are trying too hard. There's also nothing wrong with being picky about someone with whom you hope to have a lifetime relationship and children.

If you don't find a compatible person and still want children consider going to a sperm bank.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 09:34 AM
 
792 posts, read 171,998 times
Reputation: 1626
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxthinkpinkxo View Post
forcing it was dragging out something that wasnt going to work out anyway. N
My mom tells me not to rush it or worry
Consider yourself lucky that you were able to exit relationships that weren't going to work. The only thing worse than not having a relationship is being in s BAD relationship.

Your mom is correct.

My advice: Online dating. It makes things SO EASY. LOTS OF DATA. No screwing around with clubs or phony baloney meets ups. Everyone there MEANS BUSINESS.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 09:40 AM
 
3,746 posts, read 1,470,975 times
Reputation: 7355
as an example: i got married at 29, after dating future spouse for 8 years. first child born at 32.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 10:12 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,725 posts, read 4,942,207 times
Reputation: 12730
I haven't felt any type of way about being single since I was about 19 (26 now). When I was younger I felt so pressured to date and have a boyfriend by a certain age. But it wasn't because I had feelings for anyone in particular, it was because I was around people who wouldn't shut up about it or stop making a big deal about it. Where I'm from (southeast) family and marriage is a big thing. Most people expect you to get married by the time you've graduated from high school. If you haven't it either means; you're mentally unstable, homosexual, etc. It's very dated and backwards down here.

Another problem I had was that people kept telling me how attractive I am and how great my personality is and how it made no sense that I was single. After a while I got tired of them telling me one thing and life showing me another. I did some introspection on myself and really began to analyze how people are (at least in my life) and I came to these conclusions:

I don't connect emotionally with people often/easily. (I've literally only had strong feelings for maybe 4 people in my life and it was mainly due to my own fantasized vision of what love was.)
I'll only date someone if I know there is a mutual connection/attraction.
Not interested in duty dating.
Most people are mediocre at best.
Most relationships are finite.
Relationships are a lot of work and shouldn't be glamorized.
I can't force myself to like someone no matter how "good/nice" they are.
Even though I know I'm a good person and reasonably attractive, it doesn't guarantee a relationship.
You can't control how people feel about you.
You can't force connections, they either happen or they don't.
Society pushes an unrealistic expectation that everyone should marry and pair off, despite factors out of our control.
People are going to do what they want to do.
Chemistry is something that either happens or it doesn't.

If I'm not interested in anyone, I'm just not interested in anyone. I'm not going to try to jump through hoops just to try to figure out what has already been figured out. Pressuring people to date is dumb. Relationships are more complex than just going out and finding one. It shouldn't be pushed as some sort of duty. Society also has a habit of perpetuating a Disney narrative that I think is more toxic and damaging than anything. And it ends up making people feel like failures if they're still single by a certain time. It makes relationships seem like they are some sort of fix all to everything and will be kittens and rainbows ALL the time. Not true at all. Everyone has issues, no one is perfect, and it's best not to expect so much from them. I just live my life. I've learned to love myself and value the peace of mind being single has given me.

Last edited by Auraliea; 08-03-2019 at 11:24 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 10:22 AM
 
7,496 posts, read 11,636,102 times
Reputation: 8340
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxthinkpinkxo View Post
Iím a female turning 29 in a couple months and I am still single. Iíve been single about four years, following the end of a two-year relationship. I have dated plenty since then, but no relationships with legs have resulted. Iíve come to realize Iím pretty picky perhaps and I have actively been trying to give people more of a chance. So I did that and I was just dating a guy for several months up until June, really hoping itíd work out. Eventually it was clear we were just soo different though and forcing it was dragging out something that wasnt going to work out anyway. Now I am just feeling really discouraged. It sounds silly but at this time four years ago (24 going on 25), I never dreamed Iíd still be single four years later. I always envisioned myself marrying by 28, 29 or 30 at the latest. Now, itís looking like I might be 30 and still single. Most of my friends from high school are married or coupled up now which makes it even worse. I even have a friend who married at 24 (now pregnant with her second kid), who makes comments like ďthe guys in their 30s who are still single are mostly leftoversĒ and ďyou better hurry up if you want kids.Ē

I want a family and kids and all that too... but I donít want to settle for someone just because of that. My mom tells me not to rush it or worry but she married at 32 and had three kids very easily. If I knew I inherited her fertility perhaps Iíd feel better but I do think about the biological clock and having a couple kids before 35. Iíve tried practicing my moms mental approach but I still get literal anxiety attacks at times thinking about this.

Has anyone else dealt with this? For additional information, I lived in a rural part of Hawaii for about 2.5 of these past four years where the dating pool was slim so I always attributed it to that. I also traveled abroad an additional couple months of this time. But for the past year, Iíve lived in a big city with lots of prospects and still zilch relationship now, at almost age 29. I regret wasting five months dating this most recent guy that didnít work out, and I fear doing this again over the next year with new guys. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated.
My advice to you would be try and predict the future about what you want in a relationship. When it comes to relationships, a lot of us tend to pick based on emotional stimuli, or the best we can get in the moment, depending on where you stand.

But I really think that you need to look forward to your 40s/50s/60s and try and work towards a compatible type of person you want to be with at that stage.

Probably, it's going to take some time of dating more people who are the WRONG ones to figure out a little more what you want, but I would say that if you have that ultimate goal, you're ahead of most people.

A couple of older posters have some pretty good strategies for weeding out non-compatibles. And I think the earlier you do it, and the more conscious you are about it, the more it'll serve you later in life.

That's my opinion at least...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 10:45 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,266 posts, read 293,410 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxthinkpinkxo View Post
Iím a female turning 29 in a couple months and I am still single. Iíve been single about four years, following the end of a two-year relationship. I have dated plenty since then, but no relationships with legs have resulted. Iíve come to realize Iím pretty picky perhaps and I have actively been trying to give people more of a chance. So I did that and I was just dating a guy for several months up until June, really hoping itíd work out. Eventually it was clear we were just soo different though and forcing it was dragging out something that wasnt going to work out anyway. Now I am just feeling really discouraged. It sounds silly but at this time four years ago (24 going on 25), I never dreamed Iíd still be single four years later. I always envisioned myself marrying by 28, 29 or 30 at the latest. Now, itís looking like I might be 30 and still single. Most of my friends from high school are married or coupled up now which makes it even worse. I even have a friend who married at 24 (now pregnant with her second kid), who makes comments like ďthe guys in their 30s who are still single are mostly leftoversĒ and ďyou better hurry up if you want kids.Ē

I want a family and kids and all that too... but I donít want to settle for someone just because of that. My mom tells me not to rush it or worry but she married at 32 and had three kids very easily. If I knew I inherited her fertility perhaps Iíd feel better but I do think about the biological clock and having a couple kids before 35. Iíve tried practicing my moms mental approach but I still get literal anxiety attacks at times thinking about this.

Has anyone else dealt with this? For additional information, I lived in a rural part of Hawaii for about 2.5 of these past four years where the dating pool was slim so I always attributed it to that. I also traveled abroad an additional couple months of this time. But for the past year, Iíve lived in a big city with lots of prospects and still zilch relationship now, at almost age 29. I regret wasting five months dating this most recent guy that didnít work out, and I fear doing this again over the next year with new guys. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated.
IMO...you are trying too hard & you are too centered on "goals" & age....like being married by a certain age, having kids by another age......

Life goes the way it goes. Sometimes we meet a wonderful man at a time that is not so convenient........& sometimes when we are ready, we don't! Love your now....even failed relationships have value & help us to grow.......
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2019, 11:15 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,138 posts, read 71,175,093 times
Reputation: 77264
Quote:
Originally Posted by CollieMan View Post
Your friends are morons. Wait until you're at least 30 before you make any decisions that impact the rest of your life.
lol. I pretty much agree with this. OP, forget about fertility. You have all your 30's ahead of you. Just because your friends are paired off doesn't mean they'll still be happily paired off with the same person in a couple of years, or that the marriages will last.

What are you doing with your life otherwise? What are you achieving in the work world, and outside of it? Are. you involved in the community in some way? Focus on having a rich life for now. That will increase your chances that people will be drawn to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top