U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-03-2019, 05:32 PM
 
44 posts, read 27,332 times
Reputation: 124

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
This. New travel adventures have a way of purging the mind. A group trip where things are preplanned with exciting sights and activities that consume your attention might help. Might also help you forge a bond with someone.
Traveling, to some degree, has worsened it for me. The beginning of the trip is always great, but the noonday demon starts to creep in a day or two before we head home. Those are usually the pronounced forms of depression I experience, as I realize my fantasy of escaping / distraction is almost over.

So, let's review:

Care of a psychiatrist? Check

Travel? Check

Exercise? Check

Therapist? Check

Attempts to move on with dating? Check

Eating well and getting rid of vices? Check

I guess the only thing left to do is to wait this out like a prison sentence, except my day of parole is a mystery.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-03-2019, 05:34 PM
 
44 posts, read 27,332 times
Reputation: 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiel View Post
You say that you loved each other and parted amicably. Have you considered a long distance relationship with her?
That's a good question. When we parted I guess it was just the tacit understanding we were moving on with our lives. (We each moved away from the town we met in and lived; she a thousand miles west, and me a thousand miles northeast.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 05:16 AM
 
15 posts, read 1,171 times
Reputation: 44
There isn't any timeline on processing grief, it will take as long as it takes. I was married for 10 years and it took me 4 years of being on my own and doing the work before I felt ready to date.

I know therapy can be expensive but I would suggest going back to your therapist or find a new one. Your mental health is crucial during this time. A breakup and move are two of the most stressful things a person can go through and you did both of those in a year. You need support to process what you are going through so that you can be in a heathy relationship when the time comes. Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 09:20 PM
 
44 posts, read 27,332 times
Reputation: 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
There isn't any timeline on processing grief, it will take as long as it takes. I was married for 10 years and it took me 4 years of being on my own and doing the work before I felt ready to date.

I know therapy can be expensive but I would suggest going back to your therapist or find a new one. Your mental health is crucial during this time. A breakup and move are two of the most stressful things a person can go through and you did both of those in a year. You need support to process what you are going through so that you can be in a heathy relationship when the time comes. Good luck.
Thanks for the perspective, north shore girl. I needed that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,898 posts, read 26,921,851 times
Reputation: 4605
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boddicker View Post
That's why I thought a year would be "enough time to grieve." And yes, I am depressed, though I have some good days on occasion.
You can't put a time on how long it takes to grieve. I wish I knew the answer too but it will come with time. It's not easy either and hoping everyday it will just be over. I know how you feel. It plain out sucks Can you get back into counseling. Maybe seek out some counseling places that offer a sliding fee or maybe join some support groups? You will get to meet people that are going through the same thing as you. There's also some online counseling last resort. Here's a site to find affordable counseling in you area: https://www.opencounseling.com/Honestly, I don't think it's necessarily you that's the issue. It's the depression that's causing the issue. Once you can get your depression under control, things will fall into place.

Here is a great resource and it's free. It's a series of classes about dealing with separation:
https://www.divorcecare.org/
You can find a location in your area.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Last edited by beckycat; Today at 05:15 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,898 posts, read 26,921,851 times
Reputation: 4605
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
There isn't any timeline on processing grief, it will take as long as it takes. I was married for 10 years and it took me 4 years of being on my own and doing the work before I felt ready to date.

I know therapy can be expensive but I would suggest going back to your therapist or find a new one. Your mental health is crucial during this time. A breakup and move are two of the most stressful things a person can go through and you did both of those in a year. You need support to process what you are going through so that you can be in a healthy relationship when the time comes. Good luck.
OMG, please don't tell me it's going to take that long I coming up on 2 years after 27 years married and it seems like it's taking forever. You gave some great advice here.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 04:12 PM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston/Tricity
38,374 posts, read 56,182,364 times
Reputation: 90455
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boddicker View Post
My girlfriend of six years pulled away in the U-Haul one year ago today. It's an image that still hurts my heart when I visualize it. I cannot imagine how awful it would've been had we been married, the feelings of loss and failure only compounded by divorce and lawyers.

We loved each other a lot, but our vices (chain smoking, drinking, her sloth) started getting the better of us. We had a lot of fun together, but it was literally killing me. It didn't help that she had way too much idle time, since she was newly unemployed in a very competitive field, so we began to languish together. I had friends from work I wanted to socialize with; she would never want to come along. I wanted to take walks with her in our neighborhood; she wanted to stay home. Her self worth began to deteriorate. She was obviously depressed, and since there were no jobs available for her in our smallish town, the situation began to feel hopeless. She watched TV endlessly. (She has a PhD, btw, in a specialized field.)

The first five months away from her and in my new life were brutal for me. I got on meds and started therapy. We had parted amicably, so in some sense it all felt inconclusive and open-ended. At times I had wished we had parted on bad terms, hateful of one another and desperate for a new relationship.

In an effort to move forward, I tried online dating in January, and I've been on about 18 dates since then, several of those repeats with the same woman. I've met some wonderful and attractive ladies who were interested in me, but I could never muster up any reciprocal interest. Not once have I wanted to text them back, or spend an afternoon doing some activity she had elaborately planned for us. Worse yet, I never once felt my libido kicking in during any of those dates. I can put on a smile and make good conversation, but I feel my personality decaying into a shell of its former self. I've even lost interest in friends. My vitality is draining away.

Is this abnormal? What can I expect a year from now? I desperately need some perspective.
Healing process is different for everyone. Take your time..... because you are still mourning and depressed. Be READY for another relationship and not because you feel sorry for yourself, or lonely.
__________________
.
"No Copyrighted Material"
Moderated forums:
World, Europe, Texas, Corpus Christi, El Paso, Lubbock, Tyler, Houston, San Antonio, Tallahassee, Macon, Duluth, Fish, Home Interior Design and Decorating, Science and Technology Forums
.

Need help? Click on this: >>> ToS, Mod List, Rules & FAQ's, Guide, CD Home page, How to Search
Realtors are welcome here but do see our Realtor Advice to avoid infractions.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 04:32 PM
 
Location: Jupiter
9,969 posts, read 6,192,542 times
Reputation: 7873
You started dating way too soon.

Take some time for yourself and heal properly.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 04:50 PM
 
15 posts, read 1,171 times
Reputation: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
OMG, please don't tell me it's going to take that long I coming up on 2 years after 27 years married and it seems like it's taking forever. You gave some great advice here.
Thank you. I wish I had found a forum like this when I was in the depths of my divorce. It would have helped hearing other people's stories of survival.

I know, there were days when I felt I would never want to date again. The good news is during those 4 years I bought my own house, traveled a lot, focused on my career and made a great group of friends. I also did intense therapy to figure out what went wrong and how to heal. It was a good life that I built for myself, it's just that I thought it would be a life lived on my own. When I finally was ready to date I met a man who is everything I have ever been looking for. I never would have been ready to be in a healthy, loving relationship had I not done all the work to heal myself from my abusive marriage.

So all I'm saying is I know it can seem that it's never going to get better. But it will, as long as you keep pushing forward.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Asheville, NC
11,898 posts, read 26,921,851 times
Reputation: 4605
Quote:
Originally Posted by Northshoregirl2019 View Post
Thank you. I wish I had found a forum like this when I was in the depths of my divorce. It would have helped hearing other people's stories of survival.

I know, there were days when I felt I would never want to date again. The good news is during those 4 years I bought my own house, traveled a lot, focused on my career and made a great group of friends. I also did intense therapy to figure out what went wrong and how to heal. It was a good life that I built for myself, it's just that I thought it would be a life lived on my own. When I finally was ready to date I met a man who is everything I have ever been looking for. I never would have been ready to be in a healthy, loving relationship had I not done all the work to heal myself from my abusive marriage.

So all I'm saying is I know it can seem that it's never going to get better. But it will, as long as you keep pushing forward.
Thank you so much for the wisdom and encouragement. Looks like you did a lot and it sure has paid off It helps to hear stories like yours. I am happy you were able to heal and now have a new relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top