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Old Today, 12:25 PM
 
826 posts, read 206,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
Even if you are proven innocent, you are very likely to have that mark on your reputation until the day you die.

Or you get away from the people who know about the accusation. The smaller-scale the accusation, the easier that is. I've recently moved for a new job in a new location, hundreds of miles from my last job. And, there is a very marked difference in how people see and treat me in my new position.
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Old Today, 12:32 PM
 
7,717 posts, read 3,027,184 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
At Arms Length, don't apologise for being a respectful person. Not saying that Rbccl dates disrespectful men but I think there's not anything creepy or offensive about your stance.
And I don’t find that to be disrespectful versus respectful, I recognize we have two very different attitudes, needs and wants. I picture you as the type who would find it admirable if a man asked your permission to kiss you, whereas just typing: “May I kiss you?” makes me cringe, and throw the whole atmosphere down the toilet for me.

@At Arms Length- These very different responses to your ruminations aren’t contradictions in a way that should make you even more taken aback. They're examples and proof that you’re not gonna be able to ensure a clear path and green light for yourself, just like no one else gets insurance and directions.

Youre going to have to engage social cues to find out what’s best for each individual situation. The only way this is going to happen is if you get the hell out there and try. If you stay locked into your hypothesizing and introspection you’re not going to eventually gain dating insurance.

No one gets a manual!
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Old Today, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Jupiter
9,972 posts, read 6,198,979 times
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Idk about anyone else but I found out that when you stop caring about dating someone, that's usually when you find someone.
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Old Today, 12:43 PM
 
7,717 posts, read 3,027,184 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg78 View Post
These struggling guys arent trying to narrow the field, there is no field for them lol there simply trying to get A date.
Point taken, thanks for explaining!
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Old Today, 12:48 PM
 
8,294 posts, read 6,090,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27 View Post
Idk about anyone else but I found out that when you stop caring about dating someone, that's usually when you find someone.
I find that too.
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Old Today, 12:49 PM
 
8,294 posts, read 6,090,529 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Or you get away from the people who know about the accusation. The smaller-scale the accusation, the easier that is. I've recently moved for a new job in a new location, hundreds of miles from my last job. And, there is a very marked difference in how people see and treat me in my new position.
Yes!!!
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Old Today, 12:53 PM
 
7,717 posts, read 3,027,184 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
Or you get away from the people who know about the accusation. The smaller-scale the accusation, the easier that is. I've recently moved for a new job in a new location, hundreds of miles from my last job. And, there is a very marked difference in how people see and treat me in my new position.
Donít drag that unfounded accusation around with you, if someone accused you of being a leprechaun would you worry that itís going to continue to happen? It wasnít true! Thereís nothing youíre doing to encourage that sort of thing, now leave it behind.
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Old Today, 12:58 PM
 
826 posts, read 206,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
In other words, because we rely on our niceness, women rather play patty cake with us.

Ouch.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
Women tend to go for a "strong" personality. Someone who is bold and deliberate. Someone who takes charge (not in an overly dominant way). Someone who at least has an idea of what he wants and goes for it.

It also helps to be 'solid' in your body language when talking to a woman. I say boldness is something that tends to be successful more than niceness.

Re: "Personality types"...that mostly doesn't fit me. I'm not a strong personality. I am not bold or deliberate. I can take charge, and I have in certain situations, and I have leadership skills and abilities, but I tend to defer to stronger personalities. I am a second-guesser, a self-doubter, indecisive, hesitant. I over-think and over-analyze, constantly. My natural inclination is to put more stock into what other people think, feel, and say than I do in my own opinions and beliefs...if I'm challenged or criticized on something, I immediately revert to a state of self-examination to see if what was presented is more accurate or valid than what I believe.


At the very least, though, when all of that pensiveness and pausality is worked through, and I have determined what my goals should be and what the best courses of action to achieve them are, I can be very decisive, confident, and determined, almost to the point of arrogance; it just takes me a while to get there.



Re: Body language and boldness, that seems to be something that is dictated by confidence, of which I have very little when it comes to women. When I've done my asking, I've tried to muster as much confidence as I could, but it's still very likely that this was seen for what it was, a facade masking my nervousness and lack of confidence. Probably played a factor in my rejections.


That said, in my new job, I have actually seen the benefit of coming in projecting false confidence. I did that...I projected an air of authority, competence, and attempted likeability, and people responded to it very well. As a result of how they were treating me in reaction, I have begun to develop real, actual self-confidence in myself and my professional abilities. For instance, not long ago I screwed up on the job for the first time. My boss made a snide remark about it. But even in the short time I've been here I feel like I've already grown in my confidence in myself. Where that snide remark would have in the past sent me into a spiral of negativity and self-doubt, here I chuckled (because it was funny) and set myself to solving the problem that I'd caused. That feels like real growth to me.


Could I develop that with women, if they were to respond favorably to my facade of self-confidence with them? Maybe. But with women my balloon tends to get pricked and everything I was trying to fortify myself for comes crashing down with another rejection. If, on my first day on the job, I had been questioned, challenged, disregarded, or disrespected, I suspect my initial facade of self-confidence would have come crashing down then as well. People would have seen my naked insecurities and vulnerabilities, I would have felt exposed in my new job...and I very well might have spiraled out of control when my boss criticized me that day, because I hadn't been allowed to grow a buttress of real self-confidence against the veneer of projected self-confidence.


What I'm saying is...maybe if I were to ask a woman out, and she dealt me a pair of pocket rocket aces and agreed instead of turning the card table over and walking off...I might come to believe it's a game I can learn to play after all. But if she doesn't, and the cards go flying, and I'm wondering what was the wrong move I made once again, I'll feel even worse about my ability to play the game.





Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
I believe the best chance at success comes from knowing who you are and owning it. It also helps to stand out and allow what is unique (as long as it is not harmful) to show.
All depends on what boxes I check for her. If I know and own who I am, and I stand out and am unique, but who I am and what's unique about me aren't very attractive and don't check many boxes, then...it won't work. "Just be yourself!" being pernicious dating advice if yourself isn't very dateable.
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Old Today, 01:01 PM
 
826 posts, read 206,098 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27 View Post
Idk about anyone else but I found out that when you stop caring about dating someone, that's usually when you find someone.
To stop caring about whether you're in a relationship or not and to be happy being single makes you more content and secure in your own life. I can see how that would be alluring in its own right, and maybe that's enough to attract a partner.


But maybe not, too. There are no magic bullets. I'm happy that it worked out for you, though.
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Old Today, 01:03 PM
 
826 posts, read 206,098 times
Reputation: 1065
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Donít drag that unfounded accusation around with you, if someone accused you of being a leprechaun would you worry that itís going to continue to happen? It wasnít true! Thereís nothing youíre doing to encourage that sort of thing, now leave it behind.
No, but it does make me cautious and protective of myself in certain types of situations.


Like if a drunk girl was trying to feel me up.


(Kidding.)
(Mostly.)
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