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Old 08-05-2019, 11:25 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,729 posts, read 4,946,606 times
Reputation: 12735

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A girlfriend/boyfriend or relationship is not something you get in exchange for doing "insert arbitrary thing here." Most people form relationships by just being social and living life as it comes. I think part of the problem lies in how much relationships are pushed in society. It sets the stage for unrealistic expectations. People are indirectly told if they don't have this or do this by THIS time, you're a failure. One could argue it's taken out of context, but it's common enough that I personally think it's a factor in why people stress themselves out so much over this. A lot of men are especially hard on other men if they are not "getting laid" or walking around with a cute girl. Some women can be catty about it as well.

Some people in general will always find a way to judge/one up each other somehow. My problem with that is it's no one's business what someone has going on in their personal life. Having a natural desire to want to share life with another human being is normal and okay. However, when someone starts coming up with ridiculous plans, making erroneous assumptions, start seeing people as objects, and adapting extreme beliefs around the topic, I think that indicates obsession. And that is never healthy. It's also a problem if they let it greatly effect their self esteem. Like someone else mentioned, a lot of it is out of our control. It's best not to compare your life to the next person's. All you can really do is have your life in order, put yourself out there, and talk to people. The rest is up to the natural process.
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Old 08-05-2019, 11:41 AM
 
158 posts, read 30,936 times
Reputation: 329
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
The cuz matters little. Here's your advice for finding a woman.

- Make your own best life. Not the hit the gym, get buff, make myself more attractive with fat stacks of cash kind. The real you kind. Find what you enjoy. Anything.

- Make friends. GOOD friends.

- BE a positive, grateful and energetic person. Not present a positive, cheerful, charming exterior. BE positive, cheerful and grateful person. Not acting. Not playing. This is the hardest, most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life. But it is beyond true that it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. By being this person, your self esteem will fall into line without your half realizing it.

- Volunteer. Where you have had challenges in your life, give back. Or really pay forward.

- Find your meaning. Even if your meaning is not saving the world. Curing cancer. Running the Ididerod. Even if you meaning is the peace of a picnic in nature or hoop with your buds. Find it. One of the guys I am seeing loses his mind over his dog. Training his dog. Taking his dog for walks... It is so freaking cute that he takes such an interest in his dog. (Note this does not mean getting a cute Golden Retriever puppy because they are chick magnets.)

Of course there is no guarantee that thousands of ******* will fall at your feet with their legs in the air. But you will waft an energy that is more attractive by far than any amount of muscle will do.

My 2 cents.
Ok, maybe you could offer some of this same advice to any number of the "1st time" lady posters here who are feeling pressure to find the right guy. They are in the recent thread posts "Why can't I find the right guy?".."I'm 29/30 and want to find somebody i can have a family with".."My Bf/hubby likes going to bachelor parties and strip clubs"...

Don't JUST post advice about dysfunctional guys, like y'all ain't trippin. You really think you're all good and gravy?
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Old 08-05-2019, 12:16 PM
 
8,260 posts, read 6,081,871 times
Reputation: 5875
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Why am I not surprised that the point is largely missed? Here's something interesting. While one is going out building a life, they wind up feeling ok that they DON'T have a mate. And that, in itself, is a good thing. And it is remarkable how often that leads to other great things in life, like a mate. But that is too much trouble. It is easier to stalk people and dream about paying them.
I actually resemble this post. While I am not where I want to be in life, I am perfectly fine with not having a mate.

But then there are those types that will attempt to justify being "desperate" for a relationship either talking about "biology, evolution, or some kind of hormonal reaction (serotonin?) that comes from being with a woman (I'm a guy and I'm speaking from a guy's perspective...and most people I hear complaining about lack of relationships are guys anyway) which ironically gives demonstrates one of the factors in their difficulty in finding a relationship.
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Old 08-05-2019, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Herndon, VA
2,099 posts, read 2,137,046 times
Reputation: 7485
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
The cuz matters little. Here's your advice for finding a woman.

- Make your own best life. Not the hit the gym, get buff, make myself more attractive with fat stacks of cash kind. The real you kind. Find what you enjoy. Anything.

- Make friends. GOOD friends.

- BE a positive, grateful and energetic person. Not present a positive, cheerful, charming exterior. BE positive, cheerful and grateful person. Not acting. Not playing. This is the hardest, most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life. But it is beyond true that it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. By being this person, your self esteem will fall into line without your half realizing it.

- Volunteer. Where you have had challenges in your life, give back. Or really pay forward.

- Find your meaning. Even if your meaning is not saving the world. Curing cancer. Running the Ididerod. Even if you meaning is the peace of a picnic in nature or hoop with your buds. Find it. One of the guys I am seeing loses his mind over his dog. Training his dog. Taking his dog for walks... It is so freaking cute that he takes such an interest in his dog. (Note this does not mean getting a cute Golden Retriever puppy because they are chick magnets.)

Of course there is no guarantee that thousands of ******* will fall at your feet with their legs in the air. But you will waft an energy that is more attractive by far than any amount of muscle will do.

My 2 cents.
I guess we get what we pay for as far as your 2 cents go. The statement I set in bold in your quote shows what kind of person you really are. I'm pretty sure women see right through any kind of facade you present to them.
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Old 08-05-2019, 12:58 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Quote:
Originally Posted by PardonTheInterruption View Post
Ok, maybe you could offer some of this same advice to any number of the "1st time" lady posters here who are feeling pressure to find the right guy.
Honestly, I don't have much advice for them.

Quote:
They are in the recent thread posts "Why can't I find the right guy?".."I'm 29/30 and want to find somebody i can have a family with".."My Bf/hubby likes going to bachelor parties and strip clubs"...

Don't JUST post advice about dysfunctional guys, like y'all ain't trippin. You really think you're all good and gravy?
I have no real idea if I am all good and gravy, whatever that means. Does it hurt your feelings to see advice of this sort, somehow?
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Old 08-05-2019, 12:59 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert20170 View Post
I guess we get what we pay for as far as your 2 cents go. The statement I set in bold in your quote shows what kind of person you really are. I'm pretty sure women see right through any kind of facade you present to them.
I am a woman. I was being sarcastic with that comment.
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Old 08-05-2019, 01:01 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
I actually resemble this post. While I am not where I want to be in life, I am perfectly fine with not having a mate.

But then there are those types that will attempt to justify being "desperate" for a relationship either talking about "biology, evolution, or some kind of hormonal reaction (serotonin?) that comes from being with a woman (I'm a guy and I'm speaking from a guy's perspective...and most people I hear complaining about lack of relationships are guys anyway) which ironically gives demonstrates one of the factors in their difficulty in finding a relationship.
This is the connection that many people Just Can't Admit to themselves.
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Old 08-05-2019, 01:07 PM
 
1,271 posts, read 1,311,763 times
Reputation: 1042
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
The cuz matters little. Here's your advice for finding a woman.

- Make your own best life. Not the hit the gym, get buff, make myself more attractive with fat stacks of cash kind. The real you kind. Find what you enjoy. Anything.

- Make friends. GOOD friends.

- BE a positive, grateful and energetic person. Not present a positive, cheerful, charming exterior. BE positive, cheerful and grateful person. Not acting. Not playing. This is the hardest, most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life. But it is beyond true that it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. By being this person, your self esteem will fall into line without your half realizing it.

- Volunteer. Where you have had challenges in your life, give back. Or really pay forward.

- Find your meaning. Even if your meaning is not saving the world. Curing cancer. Running the Ididerod. Even if you meaning is the peace of a picnic in nature or hoop with your buds. Find it. One of the guys I am seeing loses his mind over his dog. Training his dog. Taking his dog for walks... It is so freaking cute that he takes such an interest in his dog. (Note this does not mean getting a cute Golden Retriever puppy because they are chick magnets.)

Of course there is no guarantee that thousands of ******* will fall at your feet with their legs in the air. But you will waft an energy that is more attractive by far than any amount of muscle will do.

My 2 cents.
@OP, the list you wrote lacks the essence that makes the difference in one's ability to be successful in dating opportunities, i.e. when it comes to meeting (type of) women he wants, successfully hit it off, ability to screen for "more desirable" types of women, etc.

List goes in this order:
1. Being proactive and assertive in making your move. Being proactive in putting putting yourself in situations and socially acceptable scenarios to meet (desirable types of) women and more importantly to be assertive to use this chance to try and hit it off successfully, i.e. to put the relationship in motion. This is the overall picture and it also includes knowledge how to disengage properly and not being the guy who tries to "fix a bad start" when a woman isn't interested in dating, or just isn't interested in dating YOU.
2. Prioritize the pursuit in regards to your own interests. Other words, focus on what you want from woman (or women), not what women/woman want(s) from you. Once you put things in this manner, you'll adjust your stance in just about every situation to suit your interests. Dating is NOT a zero-sum game, women should (and as a matter of fact they do) focus on prioritizing their own interests. Cutting the BS from the other party is important part.

Keep in mind that #1 will dramatically improve your chances in meeting women and "happening" to hit it off, while #2 will dramatically improve your chances to get a satisfaction out of your relationship.

Without #1 and #2, anyone following your advice would generally end up miserable when it comes to dating and would NEVER utilize their full potential. They might be doing all of you mentioned already and it makes them a GREAT choice for women whom THEY generally don't want - and it's exactly these women who will focus on their incompetence to bag such men for "settling" because these guys are incompetent to hit it off with the women they'd wish. You advice to a guy reading this thread should be to utilize his potential, not to be "utilized" for the whims of women he very probably doesn't want to end up with.


@Others who might be reading this:
What OP mentions should be #3 on the list when it comes to your chances to have romantic/sexual relationship with women and having a satisfaction out of it. Dating is a two-way street, so to speak. A woman YOU might want is the same person who may NOT wish to date YOU. In order to improve your chances, you should listen to general cues that OP posted. Regardless of that, you should NOT focus on what women want but on what you want and you need to know that the general way for a guy to achieve this is by being assertive. If there's anything else missing in the list, it's probably the "experience" in dating and social interactions with women. The more experience you have when it comes to dating women and the more your social interactions include woman's point of view, you'll be more competent to have in-depth analysis and be more capable to recognize certain situations and adjust accordingly to suit your interest... you should know what your interest is, be it to date someone you want for the long-term relationship, get in the sack with a woman you want to bang, or "dodging a bullet".
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Old 08-05-2019, 01:23 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Quote:
Originally Posted by nald View Post
@OP, the list you wrote lacks the essence that makes the difference in one's ability to be successful in dating opportunities, i.e. when it comes to meeting (type of) women he wants, successfully hit it off, ability to screen for "more desirable" types of women, etc.

List goes in this order:
1. Being proactive and assertive in making your move. Being proactive in putting putting yourself in situations and socially acceptable scenarios to meet (desirable types of) women and more importantly to be assertive to use this chance to try and hit it off successfully, i.e. to put the relationship in motion. This is the overall picture and it also includes knowledge how to disengage properly and not being the guy who tries to "fix a bad start" when a woman isn't interested in dating, or just isn't interested in dating YOU.
2. Prioritize the pursuit in regards to your own interests. Other words, focus on what you want from woman (or women), not what women/woman want(s) from you. Once you put things in this manner, you'll adjust your stance in just about every situation to suit your interests. Dating is NOT a zero-sum game, women should (and as a matter of fact they do) focus on prioritizing their own interests. Cutting the BS from the other party is important part.

Keep in mind that #1 will dramatically improve your chances in meeting women and "happening" to hit it off, while #2 will dramatically improve your chances to get a satisfaction out of your relationship.

Without #1 and #2, anyone following your advice would generally end up miserable when it comes to dating and would NEVER utilize their full potential. They might be doing all of you mentioned already and it makes them a GREAT choice for women whom THEY generally don't want - and it's exactly these women who will focus on their incompetence to bag such men for "settling" because these guys are incompetent to hit it off with the women they'd wish. You advice to a guy reading this thread should be to utilize his potential, not to be "utilized" for the whims of women he very probably doesn't want to end up with.


@Others who might be reading this:
What OP mentions should be #3 on the list when it comes to your chances to have romantic/sexual relationship with women and having a satisfaction out of it. Dating is a two-way street, so to speak. A woman YOU might want is the same person who may NOT wish to date YOU. In order to improve your chances, you should listen to general cues that OP posted. Regardless of that, you should NOT focus on what women want but on what you want and you need to know that the general way for a guy to achieve this is by being assertive. If there's anything else missing in the list, it's probably the "experience" in dating and social interactions with women. The more experience you have when it comes to dating women and the more your social interactions include woman's point of view, you'll be more competent to have in-depth analysis and be more capable to recognize certain situations and adjust accordingly to suit your interest... you should know what your interest is, be it to date someone you want for the long-term relationship, get in the sack with a woman you want to bang, or "dodging a bullet".
Is that working for you? If so, then it sounds like good advice. In my opinion, your #1 overlaps mine quite a lot. But misses a very important point. Desperately seeking is a Big Turn Off.
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Old 08-05-2019, 01:32 PM
 
2,134 posts, read 900,473 times
Reputation: 5233
If you see someone you are attracted to just go for it. Strike up a conversation. If the conversation is working, get a phone number. Then call and go out on a date. If the date goes well, repeat. This may fail 90% of the time, but the more times you try, the better your chances of success. As far as what you have to be, just be normal, don't play games or try to impress. Don't be cheap or overly extravagant. Dress nicely, be groomed, smell good, be friendly, be honest, be enthusiastic and positive. Like attracts like.
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