U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-05-2019, 01:40 PM
 
1,271 posts, read 1,311,763 times
Reputation: 1042

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Is that working for you? If so, then it sounds like good advice. In my opinion, your #1 overlaps mine quite a lot. But misses a very important point. Desperately seeking is a Big Turn Off.
Personal question, but I'll answer it directly - yes, it helped me to figure out dating and it helped me a lot. I never had some specific issue with hitting it off, that part was more-or-less easy, real challenge and frustration at times was to find the type of a woman I wish.
I am in a long term relationship, engaged to a woman I love and who is pretty much the type I wanted. I am very positive that, had I disregarded my own wants and needs, I'd not feel as as happy and as lucky as I am today.

In regards to desperation, along with the previous story about people being boring - these are universal traits that are turn-offs, regardless of whom we talk about.
The "desperation" part in specific can be applied to inexperience or insecurity when evaluating oneself and their own prospects and its usually related with previous attempts/outcomes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-05-2019, 02:11 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Quote:
Originally Posted by nald View Post
Personal question, but I'll answer it directly - yes, it helped me to figure out dating and it helped me a lot. I never had some specific issue with hitting it off, that part was more-or-less easy, real challenge and frustration at times was to find the type of a woman I wish.
I am in a long term relationship, engaged to a woman I love and who is pretty much the type I wanted. I am very positive that, had I disregarded my own wants and needs, I'd not feel as as happy and as lucky as I am today.
Ah ah. I can see what I think you are saying. You know what your wants and needs are. That is a pretty great start!

Quote:
In regards to desperation, along with the previous story about people being boring - these are universal traits that are turn-offs, regardless of whom we talk about.
The "desperation" part in specific can be applied to inexperience or insecurity when evaluating oneself and their own prospects and its usually related with previous attempts/outcomes.
Yes. But the fact that some people sink further into it is to their detriment not their benefit.

I hang out with male people every day of my life. I work with them. I date them. Some of my best friends are them. They look (and I don't mean physically) nothing like the men you hear on sites such as these. They are REAL people who don't measure themselves or value their life solely based on the ability, or lack of ability, to acquire a female device. And THAT is highly attractive.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 02:43 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,693 posts, read 33,578,364 times
Reputation: 32493
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
What's interesting about some of the guys who have never been successful with dating, is that they hyper-fixate on "getting" a woman, but they don't actually have the social skills to actively maintain a relationship, day after day. And they often use language that implies that they're not just looking for a nice woman to spend time with, they're looking for a validation trophy (in female form) proving that they're a successful man and not just an awkward late bloomer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
It seems so for me. It feels like they are looking for an accessory. Not a person. Not a relationship. It makes sense since some of them also seem not to have other relationships with friends and the like. Makes you wonder if they know what one is.
In fairness, the way some talk comes out here about guys who haven’t been successful in dating could drive that desperation to “acquire a woman” to shut people who use that kind of shaming language up. I’ve had it directed at me a lot here. It is bad enough I’m judged by society for being a male over 30 and not much to speak of in dating, but coming here to get advice for what to do about it only to get buried just pours salt and lemon juice on a major puncture wound.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 02:45 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
In fairness, the way some talk comes out here about guys who haven’t been successful in dating could drive that desperation to “acquire a woman” to shut people who use that kind of shaming language up. I’ve had it directed at me a lot here. It is bad enough I’m judged by society for being a male over 30 and not much to speak of in dating, but coming here to get advice for what to do about it only to get buried just pours salt and lemon juice on a major puncture wound.
What is funny is that it is not intended, most often, as either judgement or shaming. It is often the case that those who feel judged and shamed are feeling shame themselves. That might be a good place to start. Especially since we know that confidence, real confidence, is actually a requirement for a good relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 02:50 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
Reputation: 16356
Side note on real self esteem. It cannot be shaken by the casual behavior of people you meet casually.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 03:00 PM
 
499 posts, read 89,142 times
Reputation: 900
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
In fairness, the way some talk comes out here about guys who haven’t been successful in dating could drive that desperation to “acquire a woman” to shut people who use that kind of shaming language up. I’ve had it directed at me a lot here. It is bad enough I’m judged by society for being a male over 30 and not much to speak of in dating, but coming here to get advice for what to do about it only to get buried just pours salt and lemon juice on a major puncture wound.
Really? I'm surprised by that. I think that many people on here genuinely are looking to help others who ask for help. You'll always get the odd mean person, but most try to help, I think.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
7,006 posts, read 3,907,725 times
Reputation: 16750
Yeah! Just do ALL those things and you’ll be successful? 😂
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,664 posts, read 42,288,240 times
Reputation: 84160
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
In fairness, the way some talk comes out here about guys who haven’t been successful in dating could drive that desperation to “acquire a woman” to shut people who use that kind of shaming language up. I’ve had it directed at me a lot here. It is bad enough I’m judged by society for being a male over 30 and not much to speak of in dating, but coming here to get advice for what to do about it only to get buried just pours salt and lemon juice on a major puncture wound.
It's not judgment and shaming. It's a wake-up call.

It means you should consider that the problem may not be what you think it is. If I point out that someone is using words that indicate a problematic attitude toward women, it's not just me being the grammar police. It's the advice they are supposedly seeking by coming here … "Hello, sir, are you aware that the way you speak about relationships gives off the idea that you don't know how to relate to women? If not, you may want to work on that."

If people are feeling shame about having that pointed out, then maybe they should pay attention instead of just lashing out in defensive anger and never fixing anything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 03:11 PM
 
499 posts, read 89,142 times
Reputation: 900
I am agreeing with what someone else said (was it on this thread or maybe another thread?) in that I think that some of the people who post threads on here complaining that they have never had a relationship with a woman, I do often see a theme in their posts. They have toxic beliefs about women. They don't really see women as human beings. They would say they do, but they don't really. They have been indoctrinated by society to see women as accessories, objects, just something to have sex with, and something to bolster their manhood and tick off a box that makes them OK in the eyes of everyone else. They probably watch too much porn. They say nasty things about womens' appearances and they give women a number to signal their attractiveness like it signifies their value. They visit prostitutes. They see women as valuable only so far as they are attractive sex objects and that women over a certain age have no value anymore.

This definitely doesn't apply to all of the posters on here who haven't had much success with dating women. But it does apply to some of the threads I've seen recently and I find it a bit disturbing.

The ironic thing is, when a person has this attitude, if they succeed in getting into a relationship with a woman, it's going to make it hard to maintain a relationship because not many women want to be regarded this way.

Bottom line is, we all want respect.

Last edited by Carly1983; 08-05-2019 at 03:29 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-05-2019, 09:23 PM
 
791 posts, read 203,227 times
Reputation: 1052
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
There are women who would think those things are pretty cool.

You're right, there are a few who do. And those have the pick of the proverbial litter. I've always wondered if geeky girls (or girls who like geeky guys) have a much easier time finding decent boyfriends. At the very least, I've never met a geeky girl who was single for very long.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top