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Old 08-06-2019, 11:54 AM
 
2,134 posts, read 900,473 times
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Maybe people have too many expectations and not enough courage. Back in the 60's and 70's (the stretch from hippies to disco) guys were expected to chase girls, and girls wanted to get caught. You bucked up your courage and went for it and you failed more often than you succeeded, but you didn't stop trying. It worked for me, meeting and picking up girls at school, at work, at clubs, on the Staten Island ferry, and even on the subway, where I met my wife.

Lest you think that is a bygone era, I have male family members who are typical hipsters, man bun and tatoos, that pick up women all the time. And a pick up can be anything from a one night stand to a long term relationship or getting married. They all start the same way. Taking a chance and going for it.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:46 PM
 
8,261 posts, read 6,081,871 times
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Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Dude, I will never give parents non-slack. How many negatives is that? May I judge in direct proportion to how I am judged. I don't *think* I messed my kids up in that particular way. But I am damned sure I messed them up in other unique and creative ways. Parenting is hard.
Looking back, I say my parents did their best with me. Sure there were mistakes, but there were also things that were done right.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:48 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
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Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
Looking back, I say my parents did their best with me. Sure there were mistakes, but there were also things that were done right.
Thee were A LOT of mistakes with me. Some pretty bad. But honestly, I could not have dealt with as many kids as they had. They did their best, and times were very different. I do tell my kids to come see me for the cost of therapy, that if I mess up, it was not intentional. NOW they think it is funny. We shall see.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:50 PM
 
8,261 posts, read 6,081,871 times
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Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
Maybe people have too many expectations and not enough courage. Back in the 60's and 70's (the stretch from hippies to disco) guys were expected to chase girls, and girls wanted to get caught. You bucked up your courage and went for it and you failed more often than you succeeded, but you didn't stop trying. It worked for me, meeting and picking up girls at school, at work, at clubs, on the Staten Island ferry, and even on the subway, where I met my wife.

Lest you think that is a bygone era, I have male family members who are typical hipsters, man bun and tatoos, that pick up women all the time. And a pick up can be anything from a one night stand to a long term relationship or getting married. They all start the same way. Taking a chance and going for it.
I agree with a lot of this. I think a large part of it was that we didn't take this aspect of life so heavily. Now, it seems like we take dating very seriously and in many different complicated.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:55 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
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Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
I agree with a lot of this. I think a large part of it was that we didn't take this aspect of life so heavily. Now, it seems like we take dating very seriously and in many different complicated.
People think of fun as a life extra sometimes. Not I! Fun is mental health 101. One of human basic needs. If dating is not fun, I am not going to do it!
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:18 PM
 
2,134 posts, read 900,473 times
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What happens if work is not fun? Do you quit? If you have a few bad meals do you stop eating? Childbirth is no fun and kids can be a lot of aggravation, but do we stop procreating? Not everything is fun, but some of it can be great fun. I'm not saying date just for the sake of dating. But pursuing satisfying relationships with the opposite sex has potential rewards you can't achieve on your own. Like anything else, work or eating or being in a relationship or married or a parent requires work and compromise and taking the good with the bad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
People think of fun as a life extra sometimes. Not I! Fun is mental health 101. One of human basic needs. If dating is not fun, I am not going to do it!

Last edited by bobspez; 08-06-2019 at 01:27 PM..
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
What happens if work is not fun? Do you quit? If you have a few bad meals do you stop eating? Not everything is fun, but some of it can be great fun. I'm not saying date just for the sake of dating. But pursuing satisfyning relationships with the opposite sex has potential rewards you can't achieve on your own.
Fun, especially early on, IS A HUGE PART of a satisfying relationship.

Talking to a woman who spent about 10 years too long in a 25 year marriage. I am well aware that not everything is about fun. I never said any such thing. But dating can and should be fun. And one of the many things people on this board lack is that appreciation. I want a woman... but I don't do anything fun. Pfffft.
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:25 PM
 
3,863 posts, read 1,787,332 times
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Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
I read an essay by Anjelica Huston, of all people, who talked about how when she was growing up in Ireland, the church or the community center had regular dances. Almost everyone went: old people, young people, married couples, teenagers, etc. That's where people learned to socialize and where many young people met their firsts. Of course this was in the days pre-TV, cell phones, video games, etc., but she wrote about it fondly as something that modern society lacks.
It does seem like now we're left to our own devices to figure things out. There are tons of activities for kids, but they're designed to free parents and other caring adults from responsibility for the child. I could have really benefited from some sort of natural, of course this is what we all do socializing like that with adult or older adolescent's modeling ways to be.

I was never going to be violently maladjusted, but I think I was bound to be an awkward kid, and awkward kids especially need some help finding their way socially. Not to be too dramatic, but I believe the 4 socially stagnant years that were HS for me stunted my social growth for the next 3 decades.

All I could do with that was make sure it didn't happen to my kids. They did stuff. They joined teams and clubs. My place was a welcome place for them and for their friends. And we had difficult talks about being 13 or 15 and the weight that carries, and how you can't put the weight down by hiding because you might not pick the weight up again, and how you have to learn to do hard things weighed down by fear and memories of the last time. Those talks did me as much good as they did my children. I often say I raised 3 kids, plus me.
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:30 PM
 
12,700 posts, read 10,025,929 times
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Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
It does seem like now we're left to our own devices to figure things out. There are tons of activities for kids, but they're designed to free parents and other caring adults from responsibility for the child. I could have really benefited from some sort of natural, of course this is what we all do socializing like that with adult or older adolescent's modeling ways to be.

I was never going to be violently maladjusted, but I think I was bound to be an awkward kid, and awkward kids especially need some help finding their way socially. Not to be too dramatic, but I believe the 4 socially stagnant years that were HS for me stunted my social growth for the next 3 decades.

All I could do with that was make sure it didn't happen to my kids. They did stuff. They joined teams and clubs. My place was a welcome place for them and for their friends. And we had difficult talks about being 13 or 15 and the weight that carries, and how you can't put the weight down by hiding because you might not pick the weight up again, and how you have to learn to do hard things weighed down by fear and memories of the last time. Those talks did me as much good as they did my children. I often say I raised 3 kids, plus me.
Yes Indeed. And how their feelings are real. Not to be toughed out and powered through. Suck it up, buttercup has its place. But being accepted for YOU and loved unquestioningly, even through "bad behavior" (there is a ton more here of course ... get over to parenting for that ) is paramount.
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:31 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,074 posts, read 7,419,060 times
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Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
People think of fun as a life extra sometimes. Not I! Fun is mental health 101. One of human basic needs. If dating is not fun, I am not going to do it!
This right here makes me think of one of the things that delineates attractive, from unattractive men for me. Of course...I have a certain history with a certain miserable man that makes me react to anything that reminds me of him, like pulling my hand away from a fire. But still.

I remember spotting an interesting guy on a website. I can't recall if I sent him the first message, or he sent me the first message, but we were talking. He said something like, "You probably wouldn't like me. I hate myself, and I hate life." Really just super negative. I was like, "OK then" and stopped talking to him. I have no time for someone who is suffering in the trenches and doesn't see a way out. I know that life isn't always great, isn't always easy, but no matter how little I had or how tough things were, I found things to be grateful for, I knew it could be worse somehow, and I tried to keep my chin up and hope for the future, crack a joke, enjoy whatever small sources of joy I could find.

Something I find very off-putting in a lot of guys, it's not just that dating isn't fun for them...it's this impression I have that either they are mired in misery and expect a woman to be the rescue from it, or they feel it's an emergency imperative to "get a woman" or they see life as a never-ending battle, a survival of hardship, and fun as a frivolous and almost stupid thing. They want a battle buddy, so that they at least need not suffer alone.

I understand that some people suffer from depression. I hope they find a path out. But this...it's beyond that. It is an angry denial of happiness. I'm not going to be with someone who makes enjoyment of life like fighting a daily uphill battle, or who expects me to save them from themselves. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.
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