I'm a guy and I want a relationship... I have never had one cuz (dating, how to)
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The cuz matters little. Here's your advice for finding a woman.
- Make your own best life. Not the hit the gym, get buff, make myself more attractive with fat stacks of cash kind. The real you kind. Find what you enjoy. Anything.
- Make friends. GOOD friends.
- BE a positive, grateful and energetic person. Not present a positive, cheerful, charming exterior. BE positive, cheerful and grateful person. Not acting. Not playing. This is the hardest, most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life. But it is beyond true that it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. By being this person, your self esteem will fall into line without your half realizing it.
- Volunteer. Where you have had challenges in your life, give back. Or really pay forward.
- Find your meaning. Even if your meaning is not saving the world. Curing cancer. Running the Ididerod. Even if you meaning is the peace of a picnic in nature or hoop with your buds. Find it. One of the guys I am seeing loses his mind over his dog. Training his dog. Taking his dog for walks... It is so freaking cute that he takes such an interest in his dog. (Note this does not mean getting a cute Golden Retriever puppy because they are chick magnets.)
Of course there is no guarantee that thousands of ******* will fall at your feet with their legs in the air. But you will waft an energy that is more attractive by far than any amount of muscle will do.
- Make your own best life. Not the hit the gym, get buff, make myself more attractive with fat stacks of cash kind. The real you kind. Find what you enjoy. Anything.
- Make friends. GOOD friends.
- BE a positive, grateful and energetic person. Not present a positive, cheerful, charming exterior. BE positive, cheerful and grateful person. Not acting. Not playing. This is the hardest, most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life. But it is beyond true that it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. By being this person, your self esteem will fall into line without your half realizing it.
- Volunteer. Where you have had challenges in your life, give back. Or really pay forward.
- Find your meaning. Even if your meaning is not saving the world. Curing cancer. Running the Ididerod. Even if you meaning is the peace of a picnic in nature or hoop with your buds. Find it. One of the guys I am seeing loses his mind over his dog. Training his dog. Taking his dog for walks... It is so freaking cute that he takes such an interest in his dog. (Note this does not mean getting a cute Golden Retriever puppy because they are chick magnets.)
After doing all those things, there will be people posting on CDF that they can't get chicks.
After doing all those things, there will be people posting on CDF that they can't get chicks.
And they’ll be right. That’s because the ironic thing is that all of this is fantastic advice for how to learn to be happy with your life as it is. Being your best you is terrific advice, but if your best you isn’t someone who women want to date then it doesn’t make a difference. The whole “Be yourself” is pernicious dating advice if “yourself” isn’t someone who would have much value in the dating market.
Example: Finding your meaning in the above advice. Terrific for dating if your meaning is something that is attractive...mentioned, there was getting out into nature, being a casual athlete, or loving the hound out of a cute puppy. All things that are widely seen as being attractive traits. But what if your meaning is fielding legions of painstakingly hand-painted Warhammer miniatures for tabletop game night? What if it’s cataloguing and photographing all 110 Messier objects through your 8” Newtonian telescope? These things may bring you great joy, they may be things that you are passionate about, they may be perfectly integrated pursuits in terms of your personality, but they are unlikely to bring much success with the ladies. In the end, if you don’t check the boxes of what a woman is looking for you are not going to be successful in dating.
So, I think you left off the most important thing:
“Accept the reality that after a point your attractiveness to women is out of your control, accept the possibility that nothing you do will bring success in trying to date, and choose to be satisfied with the things that you actually are capable of achieving through your own work and efforts.”
No one gets everything they want in life. For some people, a relationship may be one of those things they don’t get to have. Them’s the cards; them’s the apples.
And they’ll be right. That’s because the ironic thing is that all of this is fantastic advice for how to learn to be happy with your life as it is. Being your best you is terrific advice, but if your best you isn’t someone who women want to date then it doesn’t make a difference. The whole “Be yourself†is pernicious dating advice if “yourself†isn’t someone who would have much value in the dating market.
Example: Finding your meaning in the above advice. Terrific for dating if your meaning is something that is attractive...mentioned, there was getting out into nature, being a casual athlete, or loving the hound out of a cute puppy. All things that are widely seen as being attractive traits. But what if your meaning is fielding legions of painstakingly hand-painted Warhammer miniatures for tabletop game night? What if it’s cataloguing and photographing all 110 Messier objects through your 8†Newtonian telescope? These things may bring you great joy, they may be things that you are passionate about, they may be perfectly integrated pursuits in terms of your personality, but they are unlikely to bring much success with the ladies. In the end, if you don’t check the boxes of what a woman is looking for you are not going to be successful in dating.
So, I think you left off the most important thing:
“Accept the reality that after a point your attractiveness to women is out of your control, accept the possibility that nothing you do will bring success in trying to date, and choose to be satisfied with the things that you actually are capable of achieving through your own work and efforts.â€
No one gets everything they want in life. For some people, a relationship may be one of those things they don’t get to have. Them’s the cards; them’s the apples.
There are women who would think those things are pretty cool. Others might not share your particular passion, but would be attracted to the passion itself. If that's all you care about or care to talk about, then not so much.
But anyway, as I said in another thread this morning, being unapologetically you is potentially attractive. Not always or to everyone, but still attractive to some. It has the added benefit of weeding out the people you wouldn't ultimately want to spend much time with anyway. Those are your cards; them are your apples.
The whole “Be yourself” is pernicious dating advice if “yourself” isn’t someone who would have much value in the dating market.
So you're a rare bird.
Accept the fact that some interests will put you in contact with other people, and some will not. Have fun doing whatever you love most, but realize that "attractiveness" isn't the issue with one's interests. "Accessibility" is.
If you spend a majority of your time in an activity that sequesters you from others, no, you won't "find a woman."
So sometimes you have to do things you may not love that will put you in contact with others. But while you're there, at least you'll be secure in your self and have something to talk about and something to look forward to when you get home.
Being a rare bird doesn't preclude success. It just makes it harder to achieve.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
“Accept the reality that after a point your attractiveness to women is out of your control...
It is, and that should be freeing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
... accept the possibility that nothing you do will bring success in trying to date...
False.
Our choices affect the trajectory of our lives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
... and choose to be satisfied with the things that you actually are capable of achieving through your own work and efforts.”
Or just choose to be satisfied, period.
Correct, no one gets everything they want in life. Wanting what you have is a big part of the battle.
There are women who would think those things are pretty cool. Others might not share your particular passion, but would be attracted to the passion itself. If that's all you care about or care to talk about, then not so much.
But anyway, as I said in another thread this morning, being unapologetically you is potentially attractive. Not always or to everyone, but still attractive to some. It has the added benefit of weeding out the people you wouldn't ultimately want to spend much time with anyway. Those are your cards; them are your apples.
By contrast, being un-apologetically boring and focused entirely on finding a mate is almost universally unattractive.
Why am I not surprised that the point is largely missed? Here's something interesting. While one is going out building a life, they wind up feeling ok that they DON'T have a mate. And that, in itself, is a good thing. And it is remarkable how often that leads to other great things in life, like a mate. But that is too much trouble. It is easier to stalk people and dream about paying them.
Why am I not surprised that the point is largely missed? Here's something interesting. While one is going out building a life, they wind up feeling ok that they DON'T have a mate. And that, in itself, is a good thing. And it is remarkable how often that leads to other great things in life, like a mate. But that is too much trouble. It is easier to stalk people and dream about paying them.
What's interesting about some of the guys who have never been successful with dating, is that they hyper-fixate on "getting" a woman, but they don't actually have the social skills to actively maintain a relationship, day after day. And they often use language that implies that they're not just looking for a nice woman to spend time with, they're looking for a validation trophy (in female form) proving that they're a successful man and not just an awkward late bloomer.
What's interesting about some of the guys who have never been successful with dating, is that they hyper-fixate on "getting" a woman, but they don't actually have the social skills to actively maintain a relationship, day after day. And they often use language that implies that they're not just looking for a nice woman to spend time with, they're looking for a validation trophy (in female form) proving that they're a successful man and not just an awkward late bloomer.
It seems so for me. It feels like they are looking for an accessory. Not a person. Not a relationship. It makes sense since some of them also seem not to have other relationships with friends and the like. Makes you wonder if they know what one is.
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