I'm a guy and I want a relationship... I have never had one cuz (children, sex)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In both scenarios you’re jumping waaaay ahead of the point I’m wondering about. I’d assume before things escalated to either one of those situations that I’d know if she was interested in me or not.
Yea, it's very difficult to tell.
Obviously, some men have women tell them either directly or through their friends that they think they're cute or hot, or *ahem* more explicit things.
But guys like you and I don't fall into that camp, which is fine.
Amongst a good sample size of women I've known for a bit, some of which I've hooked up with and others that weren't interested in me, I could tell you the 'signs' they threw out and you'd guess my fate one way or the other, but you'd be wrong. In fact, I have done that here and people guessed wrong.
The better question that is more pertinent to men IMO is ... what is the proper social way to show interest, without becoming the guy who hits on every woman there is.
Scenario A, if she complains about being “too drunk” the day after I kiss her, then I have sexually assaulted her.
If she’s also that drunk when Scenario B occurs then I’ve also raped her.
Which brings up an interesting question. If a woman, let’s say at a party, comes over to me, sits in my lap, makes out with me, perhaps even starts something sexual, but is drunk the whole time, and the next day either doesn’t remember initiating the encounter or simply regrets doing anything like that, and reports it because the alcohol in her system meant that she didn’t have enough faculty to understand what she was doing...have I done something wrong? Am I criminally or civilly (or even professionally) liable?
Obviously if I were the initiator and were pushing for the encounter I’m in the wrong. But what if she is the initiator while she’s drunk...or even while I’M drunk? That may be a question for another thread.
In terms of the drunk thing...
Most women as drunk as they are, still remember what their sense of attraction is.
If this were not true, then there'd be a lot less guys on here complaining about not being able to hook up with women.
My bar hopping days were before METOO, but I did have one instance where I made out with a woman and later asked for a date.
She accepted and then changed her mind later. She's on my Facebook.
It doesn't happen nearly as often as you think. I was joking a little but with this one.
I will say that as women get older, there's a better chance that they'll make decisions based on an overall assessment of a person, and not just physical and emotional stimuli over a short period of time.
And I think this is true for men as well.
I know a guy and a gal from college and I distinctly remember him telling me that she was not attractive. They're married now and they have a kid. And he was one of the best looking guys I knew. Still to this day. One of those guys most women found attractive and would say it.
I do think the rules 'change a little' when you cross over that 40ish barrier. Of course, by that point, almost everybody is married with kids, so ...
Right, you’re talking physical attraction though. What can you do if your personality doesn’t pass muster? Like I’ve been saying, my physical appearance isn’t bad. It’s nothing special, it’s not going to get me any special treatment, but it’s probably not an automatic dealbreaker to women with average or below-average standards. So, the fault for my difficulties probably lie elsewhere, and I tend to fault my personality. Bland, sometimes academic, sometimes acerbic, uninteresting, nerdy, usually reserved, lacking in confidence, unremarkable. My appearance isn’t up to snuff for those who value appearance, my personality isn’t up to snuff for those who value personality. A no-man’s-land. (No-woman’s-land?)
That, and maybe I’m just plain unlucky to boot. Of the type of woman who might have been wired right to appreciate the type of person I am, perhaps all of the ones I’ve met so far in my life have been attached already. I’ve long thought that I’m hardly unique...for instance, someone on these boards once said something to the effect of “These sad-sack guys are all the same.” I think there’s a lot of guys of my type out there, and I think there’s relatively fewer women who are looking for guys like me...proverbially, more pots than lids. The women who might be attracted to what a guy like me has to offer likely have their pick of us...easy to find, easy to attach, probably pretty loyal once we get going.
I’ve lost count of how many women have told me “Aw, you’re such a great guy, I’m sure there’s someone out there for you!” All but one of them were unavailable. (The one who was available was a No.) So, either they were blowing smoke to make me feel better knowing that they were unavailable to me, they might have been potentially interested had they not been attached already, or more likely, a combination of both of those possibilities, with a heavy lean towards the former as being the more common situation (since one of those was also one who, years later, would tell me that she had never seen any women be into me or send me signals that I had missed).
Right, you’re talking physical attraction though. What can you do if your personality doesn’t pass muster? Like I’ve been saying, my physical appearance isn’t bad. It’s nothing special, it’s not going to get me any special treatment, but it’s probably not an automatic dealbreaker to women with average or below-average standards. So, the fault for my difficulties probably lie elsewhere, and I tend to fault my personality. Bland, sometimes academic, sometimes acerbic, uninteresting, nerdy, usually reserved, lacking in confidence, unremarkable. My appearance isn’t up to snuff for those who value appearance, my personality isn’t up to snuff for those who value personality. A no-man’s-land. (No-woman’s-land?)
I would say both.
First off, there's 'personality' in terms of walking into a house party in the city in your 20s, and talking to random women and trying to be able to entertain them and hold their attention. Otherwise known as 'charisma'.
And then there's 'personality' in terms of trying to flesh out whom you might connect with and potentially be able to spend long periods of time with. This is what really matters.
There's certainly women who are also 'academic, sometimes acerbic, uninteresting, nerdy, usually reserved, lacking in confidence, unremarkable' and if they are smart they'll be looking for someone like you. And they will be more so as they approach 40.
Unfortunately, the pool has dried up some then, but you definitely should be getting more shots than 10 years ago, no question.
Most women as drunk as they are, still remember what their sense of attraction is.
If she’s drunk and regrets it when she sobers up it doesn’t matter what her threshold for attraction was the night before. If she’s uncomfortable over something I did, even after the fact, then I’m in the wrong; it means I’ve initiated a sexual encounter that she doesn’t want. I personally don’t think that’s fair (if it was, then drunk driving accidents might be something you should be able to wave your hands and regret away as well) but I accept the post-hoc nature of how alcohol-infused sexual activity is judged nowadays.
Moral of the story: it doesn’t matter who initiates, don’t engage with the drunk girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba
It doesn't happen nearly as often as you think.
Oh, I don’t think it happens very often at all, and I’m sure you’re still right with this statement.
If she’s drunk and regrets it when she sobers up it doesn’t matter what her threshold for attraction was the night before. If she’s uncomfortable over something I did, even after the fact, then I’m in the wrong; I’ve initiated a sexual encounter that she doesn’t want. I personally don’t think that’s fair (if it was, then drunk driving accidents might be something you should be able to wave your hands and regret away as well) but I accept the post-hoc nature of how alcohol-infused sexual activity is judged nowadays.
Moral of the story: it doesn’t matter who initiates, don’t engage with the drunk girl.
I'm actually kind of curious to hear what some opinions on this matter are in 2019...
Scenario A, if she complains about being “too drunk” the day after I kiss her, then I have sexually assaulted her.
If she’s also that drunk when Scenario B occurs then I’ve also raped her.
In both scenarios you’re jumping waaaay ahead of the point I’m wondering about. I’d assume before things escalated to either one of those situations that I’d know if she was interested in me or not. I wouldn’t be engaging in either of those two things without establishing that first. I mean, if she comes and sits on my lap and starts kissing me, then I can reasonably assume that she’s interested in me, but not necessarily if I ask to kiss her, particularly if there’s alcohol involved.
Which brings up an interesting question. If a woman, let’s say at a party, comes over to me, sits in my lap, makes out with me, perhaps even starts something sexual, but is drunk the whole time, and the next day either doesn’t remember initiating the encounter or simply regrets doing anything like that, and reports it because the alcohol in her system meant that she didn’t have enough faculty to understand what she was doing...have I done something wrong? Am I criminally or civilly (or even professionally) liable?
Obviously if I were the initiator and were pushing for the encounter I’m in the wrong. But what if she is the initiator while she’s drunk...or even while I’M drunk? That may be a question for another thread.
If I was a man, I wouldn't do anything sexual with a drunk woman I didn't know very well even if she initiated it. I think it's far too risky in that sense. The lines of consent become blurry and it can come back to bite you. I'd let her know I want to see her again, ask for her number instead and call her the next day to ask her out on a date or see if she still wanted to do what she was trying the night before.
I'm actually kind of curious to hear what some opinions on this matter are in 2019...
Well..IMO...only...my sex life would be greatly diminished if I was interrogated and judged whether capable of consenting to having sex if alcohol is involved, let alone initiating it. “Wait! You’ve been drinking! I don’t want to get in trouble here!” Is something I’ve never heard. I have to claim responsibility in my own actions, including the choice to drink.
If I was a man, I wouldn't do anything sexual with a drunk woman I didn't know very well even if she initiated it. I think it's far too risky in that sense. The lines of consent become blurry and it can come back to bite you. I'd let her know I want to see her again, ask for her number instead and call her the next day to ask her out on a date or see if she still wanted to do what she was trying the night before.
I would tend to agree.
Though I can say that certainly wasn't the case 15 years ago.
We all went to bars and lounges with the explicit intent of meeting women, and ... a lot of women at bars and lounges are drunk.
I think back then, if you had sex with a woman and she wasn't of 100% clear mind, it could have been trouble. I never got close to that far anyway.
But even making out or attempted touching I could see being a problem in 2019. Makes it even trickier for some guys.
T
- BE a positive, grateful and energetic person. Not present a positive, cheerful, charming exterior. BE positive, cheerful and grateful person. Not acting. Not playing. This is the hardest, most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life. But it is beyond true that it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. By being this person, your self esteem will fall into line without your half realizing it. .
Someone can't just all of a sudden "be" this. It often takes years of therapy.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
