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Old 08-08-2019, 11:57 AM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Yes, that's true! For what it is worth, any person who is into casual sex for whatever reason, who says that other people are WRONG for wanting committed monogamous relationships, is gonna get just as much of an earful from me, as the reverse. That, truly, is where I draw the line. Anyone can do whatever they are gonna do for whatever reasons matter to them. Telling other people though, "You are never really happy" or getting that smug, "the way I live is the right way and other people doing other things, well they'll get their come-uppance" or whatever...it's the judgment that I push back on.

The person who is making the choices for the reasons they believe are legit...maybe they are right and maybe they are wrong. And I also never implied that feelings of heartbreak are not a feature of this. They are. This is why I've mentioned the need for a certain emotional resilience. But to some extent, we've all got to take responsibility for ourselves, and that means that, like the OP, if you KNOW that the feeling of heartbreak tears you up, and you feel like it's a likely hazard of casual sex, and the person you met says that they are only willing to do a casual thing...would you keep seeing them? No. Which is what I've been trying to say to ThisTown123 and I don't feel it's getting through. It's all voluntary, if people are simply being honest.

So some people get bored with partners and don't want to settle in for the long haul? So what? If they TELL people that from the get-go, then the other person can make that choice, to get involved with that or not. No need to judge. You can just say, "Ah, I see. Well that doesn't really work for me. Good luck! Bye!"

But then, too, there are many situations where two people begin to see one another and both are relationship minded, and one falls head over heels for the other...and the other just doesn't really feel it. That heartbreak hurts just as much. So even the INTENT of dating for the purpose of a relationship isn't insulation against the risk of emotional pain. Of course it's not. So regardless...cultivating some resilience can really help anybody navigate the quest for love and sex.



I'm glad you said this. The friend I keep talking about, among other things, she has bipolar disorder. Every time she casts aside a guy who started trying to push for commitment from her, I actually think, even though I adore her, that the dude is probably dodging a bullet and he doesn't even know. She's like a one-woman action film. Looks like a good time, but...you might die...so... ? I like being her friend and watching the explosions and cars flying through the air, from like...over here...where it's safe...



Ah, but just because men DO leave women after sex, does that truly mean that they are so very emotionally detached? I've known guys who actually were catching feelings and they left BECAUSE of that reason, without telling the woman. Because as much as they enjoyed her, either they knew or believed that they could not offer a relationship, or else they thought she was a poor life choice for a relationship. Some guys self-sabotage. They see the beginnings of a good thing, and they're so sure it will end in failure, that they grab the wheel and steer the car into a ditch and then run away, metaphorically speaking.

I've known some men who believe, deep down, that they are not worthy of love or a relationship. The moment a woman expresses love for them, they instantly lose respect for her, as surely she must be stupid or want something, because can't she SEE that he is this unworthy thing?

I think that there is a lot of unexamined psychology going on.

And yet despite knowing plenty of guys who were able to walk away from sex with no attachment...I've been able to do the same thing. Granted, I don't get attached (if such is possible with that person) usually until after sex has occurred. But then, either it's there or it's not. Within a few days I can answer the question of whether I ever want THAT to happen again, and it's not always a yes. Hell, there have been instances where I was totally into a guy, and then we had sex, and that pretty much ruined it.

And again...probably twice as many of my male partners have declared themselves in love and wanted to keep me, after sex, when I wanted them gone...as compared to the number of men I've attached to after sex that way. And once, ONLY ONCE, have both me and my male partner become equally and strongly emotionally attached to each other, in a reciprocal way. And I'm still with him, and we still feel very much in love.
I’m really talking more about more player types when it comes to calling again. Not in conte t of a dating relationship. I don’t think the men who have never called me again after sex or after a few sessions of sex, left because they were afraid they would feel something for me. I’m not saying every guy is a player or that everyone behaves the same. More about basic nature of men and women.

Even my fiancé, who is most definitely a fall in love type and gets attached easily, went to prostitutes when he was overseas in the Marines back in the day without any emotional connection whatsoever. I don’t think women are wired to see sex as a simply a transaction the way men can. It has more an impact on us, again, in general and IMO.
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Old 08-08-2019, 11:59 AM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Sonic is really hitting all cylinders with her posts itt.

Just to echo her, I havent "fallen in love" with every guy I slept with. Not even close. I often cant even predict how I will react. Sometimes I become almost obsessed with him, sometimes Im like meh, its a pass. I imagine it works the same for men? Its not fair to fault a guy if he is just not feeling it that much. Him lying about his intentions or being deceitful in some way is grounds to fault him though.

Ive gotten dumped after really being into a guy and yes, it sucks very bad. I dont think it begins to suck less either, its not one of those feelings one gets used to or develops an immunity to. But its one of those sucky aspects of life. Everyone has to deal with rejection.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
I am sort of amazed by peoples' experiences on this thread, it has opened my mind if nothing else. Because I always thought it was men avoiding feelings and women seeking them.

I've developed a big old crush on every guy I've ever slept with, if I didn't have one already. It happens straight away, like a love spell after sleeping with them. Even if they are clearly unsuitable. I don't know how you ladies manage to not do that, it obviously isn't a universal thing for women.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:25 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
14,788 posts, read 8,609,206 times
Reputation: 29576
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I am sort of amazed by peoples' experiences on this thread, it has opened my mind if nothing else.

I've developed a big old crush on every guy I've ever slept with, if I didn't have one already. Every time. It happens straight away, like magic after sleeping with them. I don't know how you ladies manage to not do that.
A lot of guys just aren't relationship material. Fantastic in the sack? Hell yeah. Someone to get wrinkled and ugly with? No way.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:28 PM
 
12,839 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I am sort of amazed by peoples' experiences on this thread, it has opened my mind if nothing else. Because I always thought it was men avoiding feelings and women seeking them.

I've developed a big old crush on every guy I've ever slept with, if I didn't have one already. It happens straight away, like a love spell after sleeping with them. Even if they are clearly unsuitable. I don't know how you ladies manage to not do that, it obviously isn't a universal thing for women.
How I manage it? Fewer drippy Harlequin Romances.

JUST KIDDING.

I don't manage it. It either happens or it does not happen. I don't worry about it.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
A lot of guys just aren't relationship material. Fantastic in the sack? Hell yeah. Someone to get wrinkled and ugly with? No way.
I can see when a guy is unsuitable for a long term relationship but once I've started sleeping with him it gets harder to override those thoughts. My judgment gets REALLY clouded and I keep sleeping with him while unwittingly getting deeper into an unsuitable relationship or a relationship that is only seen as one by one party and not the other. That's what happened with my last relationship...we weren't suited but because the sex was so good, it made it that much harder to end it.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,008 posts, read 3,839,954 times
Reputation: 20372
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Ive gotten dumped after really being into a guy and yes, it sucks very bad. I dont think it begins to suck less either, its not one of those feelings one gets used to or develops an immunity to. But its one of those sucky aspects of life. Everyone has to deal with rejection.
This is very true.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:36 PM
 
12,839 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I can see when a guy is unsuitable for a long term relationship but once I've started sleeping with him it gets harder to override those thoughts. My judgment gets REALLY clouded and I keep sleeping with him while unwittingly getting deeper into an unsuitable relationship or a relationship that is only seen as one by one party and not the other. That's what happened with my last relationship...we weren't suited but because the sex was so good, it made it that much harder to end it.
I have some thought suggestions to consider that may or may not resonate with you. Is it possible that

1. You assume that the relationship is unsuitable because you assume that catching feelings mean something has to change. That because there are feelings that it necessarily means that commitment should be pursued?

2. You assume because he lacks desire for commitment that he has NO feels even good buddy feels?
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:36 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I am sort of amazed by peoples' experiences on this thread, it has opened my mind if nothing else. Because I always thought it was men avoiding feelings and women seeking them.

I've developed a big old crush on every guy I've ever slept with, if I didn't have one already. It happens straight away, like a love spell after sleeping with them. Even if they are clearly unsuitable. I don't know how you ladies manage to not do that, it obviously isn't a universal thing for women.
Assuming its all chemical, I suppose its possible some people react more strongly to the chemical?

Others have suggested it could be conditioning, values, perception or personality traits having a factor in it too?

Im not an exceptionally romantic person and I have always valued my independence, so it could be harder for me to have those huge crushes. When I do its usually someone unobtainable (like that cop) and I prefer to crush from a distance.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
I'm glad to hear others' experiences; that it's not universal for women to get so hooked on men after sleeping with them, because I am guessing I may have been unconsciously seeking out men in the past who are going to confirm my beliefs about love, sex and men?
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