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Old 08-08-2019, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130

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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Assuming its all chemical, I suppose its possible some people react more strongly to the chemical?

Others have suggested it could be conditioning, values, perception or personality traits having a factor in it too?

Im not an exceptionally romantic person and I have always valued my independence, so it could be harder for me to have those huge crushes. When I do its usually someone unobtainable (like that cop) and I prefer to crush from a distance.
I do wonder if it's chemical, too. I am quite a sensitive person (to noise, stimulation, to substances, to medications) so maybe it's a sensitivity to teh chemicals oxytocin or dopamine that are released when sleeping with someone.

It could also be a slightly addictive personality (with the dopamine aspect, because dopamine is a factor too in sexual contact.) I do feel hooked when I sleep with someone wonderful. I don't have too many issues with addiction but I am prone to being a workaholic and I've been hooked on a few bad men.

I'm not even a romantic person. I don't watch romantic films or read sappy romance novels. I'm more sexual than romantic.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:52 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I do wonder if it's chemical, too. I am quite a sensitive person (to noise, stimulation, to substances, to medications) so maybe it's a sensitivity to teh chemicals oxytocin or dopamine that are released when sleeping with someone.

It could also be a slightly addictive personality (with the dopamine aspect, because dopamine is a factor too in sexual contact.) I do feel hooked when I sleep with someone wonderful. I don't have too many issues with addiction but I am prone to being a workaholic and I've been hooked on a few bad men.

I'm not even a romantic person. I don't watch romantic films or read sappy romance novels. I'm more sexual than romantic.
Could be. If you get flooded with that chemical it could cause an addictive reaction?

I dont want to say Im immune to getting hooked on bad men. Ive spent years in abusive relationships. But I know I didnt romanticize them either. I was basically struggling to escape the entire time (and I do think part of it was neurochemical). If anything it was the males that were overly romanticizing it.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I have some thought suggestions to consider that may or may not resonate with you. Is it possible that

1. You assume that the relationship is unsuitable because you assume that catching feelings mean something has to change. That because there are feelings that it necessarily means that commitment should be pursued?

2. You assume because he lacks desire for commitment that he has NO feels even good buddy feels?
Well with my last relationship (which we could never work out what to label it as, so I'm not sure if it even was a relationship but anyway)...

He smoked cannabis, all day everyday and was also a cannabis dealer. I found this out the second time we slept together. That's what I mean by unsuitable. Cannabis isn't legal where I live and he could have got jail time for that. I didn't want to be with someone who does that plus he was away with the fairies all the time.

Catching feelings for this guy meant I wanted to see him more often. I didn't just want to see him once every two weeks for sex, or on the weekend if he could be bothered. I wanted more of a dating situation (at least my heart did while my head thought I was being a total idiot for even seeing him again.)

So that's my experience with these situations, longing for more attention, more of the person's time than they are willing to give. When the phone rings, hoping it's them. When they text at 10pm 'wanna come over?" feeling pathetic because he wants me to make all the effort and he never comes to me, but he knows I'll come over because I'm hooked on him.

I want someone who is equally hooked on me, and I also don't want to be getting hooked on unsuitable people anymore.

I knew he had feelings for me but he was just not doing anything with them, he was too busy getting stoned out of his mind everyday.
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Old 08-08-2019, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Also, I am highly independent. When I'm actually in a relationship I don't want to merge my life with someone else's. I want to have freedom to travel, pursue friendships and hobbies, develop my business etc. I don't want to merge money, move in together or even get married. So I'm not seeking to take over someone's life. I just often end up wanting more time and attention from the other person than they want from me, in these sorts of situations.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:04 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Being addicted to marijuana could explain that guys behavior. I had a weed addiction too, it made me very lazy and apathetic.

Later I discovered I could use weed to get past a particularly devastating breakup. I helped numb me and made me care less.

So that guys weed habit had a lot to do with it I think. He was the abnormal one, not you.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:06 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Also, I am highly independent. When I'm actually in a relationship I don't want to merge my life with someone else's. I want to have freedom to travel, pursue friendships and hobbies, develop my business etc. I don't want to merge money, move in together or even get married. So I'm not seeking to take over someone's life. I just often end up wanting more time and attention from the other person than they want from me, in these sorts of situations.

Yes, that is me, too. Only once was I able to have a casual relationship that included sex...and that was possible because I really didn't like him at all. In fact he got on my nerves and I even disliked him in some ways...but he was good looking and I was in a long spell between partners. I didn't even want him to kiss me during sex. With any guy I actually liked, sex meant attachment on my part.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:08 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Being addicted to marijuana could explain that guys behavior. I had a weed addiction too, it made me very lazy and apathetic.

Later I discovered I could use weed to get past a particularly devastating breakup. I helped numb me and made me care less.

So that guys weed habit had a lot to do with it I think. He was the abnormal one, not you.

But he was mainly unsuitable because he was not NICE to OP. He gave her a booty call every couple weeks if SHE made the effort and wanted nothing to do with her in between, while she wanted to see him all the time. That is the typical pattern of girls who get attached and the guy has no feelings, but we hang in anyway, sometimes for years in my case.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:11 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
But he was mainly unsuitable because he was not NICE to OP. He gave her a booty call every couple weeks if SHE made the effort and wanted nothing to do with her in between, while she wanted to see him all the time. That is the typical pattern of girls who get attached and the guy has no feelings, but we hang in anyway, sometimes for years in my case.
Booty calls are rude. I agree. I mean it was probably the weed that made him so lazy though.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
But he was mainly unsuitable because he was not NICE to OP. He gave her a booty call every couple weeks if SHE made the effort and wanted nothing to do with her in between, while she wanted to see him all the time. That is the typical pattern of girls who get attached and the guy has no feelings, but we hang in anyway, sometimes for years in my case.
Yes.

And then the guy who texted me "I'm not coming" as a form of goodbye (the one I mentioned at the start of this thread) was also someone who was not particularly nice either, and I didn't see that until right at the end of the fling we had because the sex clouded my judgment.

This has been my experience with men in these situations. They're only interested in the sex, and it's got to be on their terms. They don't even have good manners or communication skills.

I don't want to deal with those people anymore much less have sex with them.

I want to know where all the caring, self-aware, communicative men are who want a friends with benefits situation? I haven't come across any. Maybe I've looked in the wrong places.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:14 PM
 
7,749 posts, read 3,042,560 times
Reputation: 12758
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
How I manage it? Fewer drippy Harlequin Romances.

JUST KIDDING.

I don't manage it. It either happens or it does not happen. I don't worry about it.

I don't manage it either, the fact that I'm not looking for a committed LTR doesn't mean I'm avoiding that really. Just not interested in that, so I have had a few puzzled reactions when the guy says: "I'm really only looking for someone to have fun with at this time, I've had enough of seriousness" and I agree! It's like some don't want me to agree. Or the really irritating current FWB response of: "I'm sorry I can't see you every weekend, I have to work and I don't want that kind of commitment you're going to count on." WTF? Says who? I can't tell if he says that to tease me because I really don't feel that way, or if he doesn't believe every woman does not want to marry him eventually?


Either way, I'm not actively trying to avoid commitment, just don't really care. Having a great time doing whatever I want.
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