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Old 08-08-2019, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130

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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Booty calls are rude. I agree. I mean it was probably the weed that made him so lazy though.
Yes, it did make him lazy.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:15 PM
 
12,843 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Well with my last relationship (which we could never work out what to label it as, so I'm not sure if it even was a relationship but anyway)...

He smoked cannabis, all day everyday and was also a cannabis dealer. I found this out the second time we slept together. That's what I mean by unsuitable. Cannabis isn't legal where I live and he could have got jail time for that. I didn't want to be with someone who does that plus he was away with the fairies all the time.

Catching feelings for this guy meant I wanted to see him more often. I didn't just want to see him once every two weeks for sex, or on the weekend if he could be bothered. I wanted more of a dating situation (at least my heart did while my head thought I was being a total idiot for even seeing him again.)

So that's my experience with these situations, longing for more attention, more of the person's time than they are willing to give. When the phone rings, hoping it's them. When they text at 10pm 'wanna come over?" feeling pathetic because he wants me to make all the effort and he never comes to me, but he knows I'll come over because I'm hooked on him.
Ugh. This is far more than either 1) catching feelings through casual sex or 2) wanting dating. This guy did not even want friendship or camaraderie to a degree that is suitable.

Quote:
I want someone who is equally hooked on me, and I also don't want to be getting hooked on unsuitable people anymore.
Consider that this dude was not even have been suitable for hook ups.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Ugh. This is far more than either 1) catching feelings through casual sex or 2) wanting dating. This guy did not even want friendship or camaraderie to a degree that is suitable.


Consider that this dude was not even have been suitable for hook ups.
Yet towards the end of our "relationship" (that wasn't) he wanted to move in together. It was super confusing. But anyway, I disgress. That's another story.

So where do you find your nice friends with benefits situations? I guess you are friends with them first?
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:22 PM
 
12,843 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Yet towards the end of our "relationship" (that wasn't) he wanted to move in together. It was super confusing.
Yah, because then he doesn't have to text you. He can call from the other room.

Quote:

But anyway, I disgress. That's another story.

So where do you find your nice friends with benefits situations? I guess you are friends with them first?
One of my friends is a decades long friend. To say we were friends first would not be quite right. We were strictly friends for longest, the lion's share of those decades. But we met within the swinging community. My other friend I met on OKC. Neither of us want a "relationship", but this works.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,157 posts, read 7,453,799 times
Reputation: 21822
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
I’m really talking more about more player types when it comes to calling again. Not in conte t of a dating relationship. I don’t think the men who have never called me again after sex or after a few sessions of sex, left because they were afraid they would feel something for me. I’m not saying every guy is a player or that everyone behaves the same. More about basic nature of men and women.

Even my fiancé, who is most definitely a fall in love type and gets attached easily, went to prostitutes when he was overseas in the Marines back in the day without any emotional connection whatsoever. I don’t think women are wired to see sex as a simply a transaction the way men can. It has more an impact on us, again, in general and IMO.
Player guys... I think that some of them are able to dehumanize the women they have sex with to the point that they've already programmed their brain to sorta, not let them in. I do think that women might be internalizing more information about men that we sleep with, so from the get-go, we're giving them more of a chance. Some guys who are determined NOT to have feelings to allow a bond, can probably just appreciate a hot body, hook up, and not let any other information past their filters into their heads. Maybe? Or they just cut and run long before any attachment COULD happen, out of a determination to not LET it happen.

I have though, heard of guys getting emotionally attached to pros, that they were seeing frequently. Some sex workers are very familiar with the term "girlfriend experience." But I think we're talking about lonely men, who are probably more prone to attach and bond because truly, that's what they want.

I think that maybe men are more into having an idea of what level of relationship they want before they even meet someone, and then trying to achieve it as a goal, whether that is a hookup or a wife. Once the goal is met, they're kinda done doing the work, a lot of them. Mission accomplished. Moving on. But you get a lonely guy who wants a relationship, trying due to circumstance to just have a casual connection, and boom...he can get attached, too, even if he knows better. As someone else mentioned, this can even happen with women a man is platonic friends with, when sex isn't even part of the picture. Guess I'm just saying, plenty of dudes fall in love against their better judgment.

And since knowing lots of women in their 30s through 50s who really are dead set on keeping their own space and independence, as well as the odd bipolar friend, I hear them talk "like men" an awful lot. Saying they just want sex, they don't want him to talk or hang around or get attached at all.

What you describe is an old stereotype that has been perpetuated by our movies, music, TV, books, culture, and I used to believe it too but I've known just way too many exceptions. I also think that people remember painful experiences far more strongly, than ones that were not. So I could point to the times I fell in love and got snubbed by a guy who wasn't feeling it, and felt heartbroken about it, and they feel like defining events until I remember the other times I had to break a guy's heart because he wanted more from me than I could give to him.

Another thing I wonder if it's a factor... Women are also very much pressured to "wait" to have sex, just as the OP was saying right? So if on average more women are waiting, rather than seeing it as a possibility, let alone a goal, right away, why wouldn't it be more possible for her to develop emotional attachment if she was already half there by the time sex happened? I mean, I bet it's one reason I've had plenty of casual sex where I did not get attached, that I was willing to have sex with a guy that I wasn't even sure I was all that into in the first place, at certain times in my life.

One thing was for sure though. After sex happened, my interest in a guy usually would go WAY up or WAY down.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I'm glad to hear others' experiences; that it's not universal for women to get so hooked on men after sleeping with them, because I am guessing I may have been unconsciously seeking out men in the past who are going to confirm my beliefs about love, sex and men?
Ah, now this...this is some good thinking right here. I do think that we seek out (and remember strongly) things that confirm what we believe deep down, or are "coded" to believe from our upbringing.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Yah, because then he doesn't have to text you. He can call from the other room.
This made me laugh. Sadly, I think you're right

Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
One of my friends is a decades long friend. To say we were friends first would not be quite right. We were strictly friends for longest, the lion's share of those decades. But we met within the swinging community. My other friend I met on OKC. Neither of us want a "relationship", but this works.
Maybe being friends with someone first is better. (But if I have an attractive, single friend I want to have sex with, I will usually ask them out instead.)

Perhaps people in the swinging/poly communities have more experience/a sort of etiquette with these sorts of arrangement and are more likely to treat their partners with respect.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:35 PM
 
12,843 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Player guys... I think that some of them are able to dehumanize the women they have sex with to the point that they've already programmed their brain to sorta, not let them in.
It is Absolutely Inconsistent with the worldview of a playah (red pill, whatever you want to call it) to fall for an fwb. They have this notion that there are two KINDS of women. And women who sleep with them are the wrong kind. But they also have this internal conflict of feeling radically unlovable.

This has nothing to do with biochemical reactions. This is a relationship DYSfunction.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:37 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
It is Absolutely Inconsistent with the worldview of a playah (red pill, whatever you want to call it) to fall for an fwb. They have this notion that there are two KINDS of women. And women who sleep with them are the wrong kind. But they also have this internal conflict of feeling radically unlovable.

This has nothing to do with biochemical reactions. This is a relationship DYSfunction.
I also think the men I've been having casual sex with are men who have been very hurt in the past by someone. Not necessarily red pill/MGTOW guys, but men who want their sexual needs met but do not want to let a woman anywhere near them emotionally because they did that in the past and it ended badly. So they are switching a part of themselves off to have these encounters. And I do think there are lots of these slightly damaged men floating around on the dating apps.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,157 posts, read 7,453,799 times
Reputation: 21822
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
This made me laugh. Sadly, I think you're right



Maybe being friends with someone first is better. (But if I have an attractive, single friend I want to have sex with, I will usually ask them out instead.)

Perhaps people in the swinging/poly communities have more experience/a sort of etiquette with these sorts of arrangement and are more likely to treat their partners with respect.
Yeah, I was going to say that.

I think I mentioned somewhere that my fiance and I do engage in some forms of "play" (not gonna get into details but it isn't intercourse, it's things that avoid possibilities of disease transmission, generally speaking)...with other people. We are "monogamish." But the idea of forming a relationship with another person, well to me it's not that it's threatening, it's that the very idea makes me tired. I'm busy. I really do not have the time. I can barely give as much time as I want to maintaining certain friendships that have special ranking in my life. And time management is one of the most significant issues that even the most sophisticated and experienced poly people struggle with. Time is a very finite resource, even if one doesn't believe that love is. He and I both feel this way, we don't want anyone to have expectations along those lines, of us. So the way we keep it casual, is that these activities are restricted to parties. That draws a nice, neat line around things, for everyone involved.

Our play partners are people that we consider to be friends. So they are almost friends with certain benefits. I guess.

But yeah, that kind of respect and negotiation and healthy boundary setting and all that...it's more common in communities where it's part of a "culture." I cannot speak to swingers though. I've never been to a swinger party. Not my thing. I'm in the kink and poly community circles.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:38 PM
 
12,843 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
This made me laugh. Sadly, I think you're right



Maybe being friends with someone first is better. (But if I have an attractive, single friend I want to have sex with, I will usually ask them out instead.)

Perhaps people in the swinging/poly communities have more experience/a sort of etiquette with these sorts of arrangement and are more likely to treat their partners with respect.
If you cannot discern whether or not someone is treating with your desired respect, there is your starting point. This is waaaaay before ANY relationship whether it is fwb or marriage.
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