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Old 08-08-2019, 01:41 PM
 
12,830 posts, read 10,065,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I also think the men I've been having casual sex with are men who have been very hurt in the past by someone. Not necessarily red pill/MGTOW guys, but men who want their sexual needs met but do not want to let a woman anywhere near them emotionally because they did that in the past and it ended badly. So they are switching a part of themselves off to have these encounters. And I do think there are lots of these slightly damaged men floating around on the dating apps.
Consider those guys bullets dodged.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:41 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
713 posts, read 129,341 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
If you cannot discern whether or not someone is treating with your desired respect, there is your starting point. This is waaaaay before ANY relationship whether it is fwb or marriage.
My experience has been that these men treat me with a lot of respect until they've got me into bed. Then once I get hooked I am more likely to accept sub-par behaviour that doesn't eventuate straight afterwards, but gradually, almost imperceptibly at first, until it ends in something like getting a "I"m not coming" text as a form of goodbye, when you're cooking their dinner and supposed to meet them for the last time, in 5 mins. It feels so icky typing it out but this is the problem and why I made the choice I did about no casual sex.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:43 PM
 
12,830 posts, read 10,065,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
My experience has been that these men treat me with a lot of respect until they've got me into bed. Then once I get hooked I am more likely to accept sub-par behaviour that doesn't eventuate straight afterwards, but gradually, almost imperceptibly at first. It feels so icky typing it out but this is the problem and why I made the choice I did about no casual sex.
Sounds like a fine choice. I mean, you do you. It does not sound like the root problem to me. But whatever works for you.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
713 posts, read 129,341 times
Reputation: 1125
But if I was going to get into casual sex again in my life, I think I would look at the poly community/someone who had some experience with it, rather than your average chump on OKCupid who wants sex and thinks the way to get it is to be really nice at first, and then reveal true self later.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:51 PM
 
21,050 posts, read 16,865,662 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Booty calls are rude. I agree. I mean it was probably the weed that made him so lazy though.
I donít think so. If he really liked her he would want to see her too. Potheads fall in love too.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:52 PM
 
12,830 posts, read 10,065,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
But if I was going to get into casual sex again in my life, I think I would look at the poly community/someone who had some experience with it, rather than your average guy on OKCupid who wants sex and thinks the only way to get it is to be a bit of a d**k
I can't remember if you said you were seeing a therapist. If it were me, and please understand I am merely suggesting not in any way indicating I think you are mucked up, I would kinda throw around boundaries with my therapist if I were seeing one. Am I setting good boundaries for myself.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:53 PM
 
21,050 posts, read 16,865,662 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Sounds like a fine choice. I mean, you do you. It does not sound like the root problem to me. But whatever works for you.
How was it a fine choice for her to except subpar treatment? Sheís not really actively choosing it, itís that the feelings that came up after sex caused her to be hooked on him. Even when he disrespected her and she knew she deserved better, she still couldnít pull away. Her story is actually very common among women.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:54 PM
 
21,050 posts, read 16,865,662 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Consider those guys bullets dodged.
You can do that years later after the fact, but when youíre in the middle of it it is very very painful.
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:54 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,152 posts, read 7,448,174 times
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You know, part of the issue here, OP...

You said it was the last time. And you were cooking him dinner (that is a little bit above/beyond for a thing that is ending.)

Funny story. The very last time I got to enjoy my FB that I was so into, few years back...I actually invited him to a fancy downtown steak place (expensive) and offered to pay for his dinner. He let me. And then, after that, I think he felt guilty or something (Actually I need to stop thinking/saying things like that--I have NO IDEA what he was thinking or feeling at any point, honestly, especially since he wouldn't tell me.) But anyways. After that I never saw him again. We'd text and he'd say he wanted to get together "sometime"...but sometime would never come. I'd tell him when I was available, he would be busy those days or not get back to me. And weirdly, every 6-8 months or so I still hear from him. Very cordial, like we were old pals or something, asking me how I'm doing or sharing a joke. We exchange pleasantries. He once said he'd love to meet for coffee just to hang out and chat, and I said, "That sounds great, let's do it sometime" while knowing damn well it would never happen.

For the longest time, and as you see above, I still have the impulse, I tried to speculate on what his motivations, thoughts, feelings, psychoses, whatever, might have been. I guessed and guessed. Then I met a woman who actually knows him, and knows his family. And she also knows three other women who were in similar circumstances as I was at that time (newly divorced, emotionally vulnerable, willing to take some risks) who he treated exactly the same way. And every last one, was left wondering what SHE had done wrong to ruin it, because it seemed so great at first.

We hadn't done a damn thing. It's just how this guy rolls. Realizing that really pushed me further down the road to closure than anything else. No point in trying to figure him out. He's just a flake like that. Whatever! (Still kinda miss him a little but I'm way past the point of watching videos of him singing with his band on Youtube just to poke myself in the feels, or Googling him to see if he's up to anything interesting lately.)
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Old 08-08-2019, 01:58 PM
 
12,830 posts, read 10,065,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
How was it a fine choice for her to except subpar treatment?
That is not what she chose. She chose not to engage in casual sex. This seems like a good choice to me.
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