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Old 08-08-2019, 02:00 PM
 
12,843 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
You can do that years later after the fact, but when you’re in the middle of it it is very very painful.
For some people. Sure.
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:03 PM
 
177 posts, read 35,734 times
Reputation: 367
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Consider those guys bullets dodged.
I don't see men or women who have been hurt in the past, and are fine a with casual arrangement but hesistant about a long term commitment as bullets dodged. That's alot of people. They simply aren't ready.

A bullet dodged is someone who intentionally treats an SO/fwb/etc disrespectfully, and the person being treated crappy ends the relationship or decides not to enter it.
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:05 PM
 
12,843 posts, read 10,070,758 times
Reputation: 16445
Quote:
Originally Posted by PardonTheInterruption View Post
I don't see men or women who have been hurt in the past, and are fine a casual arrangement but hesistant about a long term commitment as bullets dodged. That's alot of people. They simply aren't ready.
Yeah. That's why they are a bullet dodged. What did you think I meant?

Quote:
A bullet dodged is someone who intentionally treats an SO/fwb/etc disrespectfully, and the person being treated crappy ends the relationship or decides not to enter it.
A dodged bullet is any bad that did not hit you in the best because you dodged it in my book.
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I can't remember if you said you were seeing a therapist. If it were me, and please understand I am merely suggesting not in any way indicating I think you are mucked up, I would kinda throw around boundaries with my therapist if I were seeing one. Am I setting good boundaries for myself.
Yes several years in therapy in my 20s/early 30s. Just restarted it recently, not because of this issue. I definitely don't see myself as messed up because I can't do casual sex right now.

I think it's something specific to me, my wiring and my personality...a combination of

- an abusive background that gave me an anxious/ambivalent attachment style
- really really liking sex
- slightly addictive personality (I'm not sure on that, could be overstating it seeing as I don't really have any active addictions)
- extra sensitivity to oxytocin or dopamine compared to some women? (again, not sure how these neurochemicals work) but I do suspect this.

The last 3 guys I had casual sex with were also slightly damaged by past break ups and chose to disengage emotionally as a way to keep themselves safe, hence the ****ty behaviour so I wouldn't get any ideas about how much they cared about me.

I have good boundaries in life. I am proud of that actually. But I do find that sex seems to have a way of affecting my boundaries for the worse, if the person starts acting like a ****.

I think the best solution is to let them show me what kind of person they are over time, before I sleep with them. So I'm only sleeping with good ones who aren't going to treat me disrespectfully.
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:07 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
That is not what she chose. She chose not to engage in casual sex. This seems like a good choice to me.
Yes, I agree. I was confused because the line you bolded was that she accepted poor treatment once she got hooked by having sex. I thought you were telling her that remaining with someone who treated her poorly was a fine choice.
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:08 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
For some people. Sure.
You think being in love with someone who treats you poorly and doesn’t love you back is only painful for some people???
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:13 PM
 
2,150 posts, read 591,211 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
You know, part of the issue here, OP...

You said it was the last time. And you were cooking him dinner (that is a little bit above/beyond for a thing that is ending.)

Funny story. The very last time I got to enjoy my FB that I was so into, few years back...I actually invited him to a fancy downtown steak place (expensive) and offered to pay for his dinner. He let me. And then, after that, I think he felt guilty or something (Actually I need to stop thinking/saying things like that--I have NO IDEA what he was thinking or feeling at any point, honestly, especially since he wouldn't tell me.) But anyways. After that I never saw him again. We'd text and he'd say he wanted to get together "sometime"...but sometime would never come. I'd tell him when I was available, he would be busy those days or not get back to me. And weirdly, every 6-8 months or so I still hear from him. Very cordial, like we were old pals or something, asking me how I'm doing or sharing a joke. We exchange pleasantries. He once said he'd love to meet for coffee just to hang out and chat, and I said, "That sounds great, let's do it sometime" while knowing damn well it would never happen.

For the longest time, and as you see above, I still have the impulse, I tried to speculate on what his motivations, thoughts, feelings, psychoses, whatever, might have been. I guessed and guessed. Then I met a woman who actually knows him, and knows his family. And she also knows three other women who were in similar circumstances as I was at that time (newly divorced, emotionally vulnerable, willing to take some risks) who he treated exactly the same way. And every last one, was left wondering what SHE had done wrong to ruin it, because it seemed so great at first.

We hadn't done a damn thing. It's just how this guy rolls. Realizing that really pushed me further down the road to closure than anything else. No point in trying to figure him out. He's just a flake like that. Whatever! (Still kinda miss him a little but I'm way past the point of watching videos of him singing with his band on Youtube just to poke myself in the feels, or Googling him to see if he's up to anything interesting lately.)
You never thought to ask what his problem was?
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:16 PM
 
2,150 posts, read 591,211 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
My experience has been that these men treat me with a lot of respect until they've got me into bed. Then once I get hooked I am more likely to accept sub-par behaviour that doesn't eventuate straight afterwards, but gradually, almost imperceptibly at first, until it ends in something like getting a "I"m not coming" text as a form of goodbye, when you're cooking their dinner and supposed to meet them for the last time, in 5 mins. It feels so icky typing it out but this is the problem and why I made the choice I did about no casual sex.
You're picker is off, best thing to just take care of that first.
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:16 PM
 
177 posts, read 35,734 times
Reputation: 367
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Yeah. That's why they are a bullet dodged. What did you think I meant?
I know what you meant!

Bullet dodged to me, "man he's a jerk, I'm sure glad it's over phew...bullet dodged".
For you, bullet dodged is it just didn't work out. I got u. semantics
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Old 08-08-2019, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
You know, part of the issue here, OP...

You said it was the last time. And you were cooking him dinner (that is a little bit above/beyond for a thing that is ending.)
I know, what can I say I like cooking for people

Quote:
Funny story. The very last time I got to enjoy my FB that I was so into, few years back...I actually invited him to a fancy downtown steak place (expensive) and offered to pay for his dinner. He let me. And then, after that, I think he felt guilty or something (Actually I need to stop thinking/saying things like that--I have NO IDEA what he was thinking or feeling at any point, honestly, especially since he wouldn't tell me.) But anyways. After that I never saw him again. We'd text and he'd say he wanted to get together "sometime"...but sometime would never come. I'd tell him when I was available, he would be busy those days or not get back to me. And weirdly, every 6-8 months or so I still hear from him. Very cordial, like we were old pals or something, asking me how I'm doing or sharing a joke. We exchange pleasantries. He once said he'd love to meet for coffee just to hang out and chat, and I said, "That sounds great, let's do it sometime" while knowing damn well it would never happen.

For the longest time, and as you see above, I still have the impulse, I tried to speculate on what his motivations, thoughts, feelings, psychoses, whatever, might have been. I guessed and guessed. Then I met a woman who actually knows him, and knows his family. And she also knows three other women who were in similar circumstances as I was at that time (newly divorced, emotionally vulnerable, willing to take some risks) who he treated exactly the same way. And every last one, was left wondering what SHE had done wrong to ruin it, because it seemed so great at first.

We hadn't done a damn thing. It's just how this guy rolls. Realizing that really pushed me further down the road to closure than anything else. No point in trying to figure him out. He's just a flake like that. Whatever! (Still kinda miss him a little but I'm way past the point of watching videos of him singing with his band on Youtube just to poke myself in the feels, or Googling him to see if he's up to anything interesting lately.)
It's always good to get closure in that way. I've had a situation like that (meeting my ex's ex girlfriend and hearing that we both struggled with the same issue in the relationship - his issue, not ours.)

I imagine my "I'm-not-coming" text guy had done that to other women, too. He was definitely a flake.
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