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Old 08-08-2019, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130

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Quote:
Originally Posted by stanley-88888888 View Post

some d-bag treated you rudely then ignored you.
It happened the last 3 times I've had casual sex, it's not a one off but a pattern.

Quote:
i still dont get what this thread has to do with women; or, casual sex; or, oxytocin; ... ?
Are you a woman? If not, you might not experience or understand the intense bonding that some women can feel after sex, even with total strangers. Women typically experience oxytocin's effects more strongly than most men do. They're biologically wired to. Having said that, the experiences described here show that not all experience it as strongly as others do. That is what this thread is about. Working out if it's about oxytocin, personality or what? Personally I've found it very interesting and it's given me tons of food for thought in terms of how I've been seeing the world and the men I want to be meeting in the future.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Personally I think that post was out of line.
Are you referring to his or mine?
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
OP did you say you met him on OKC?

I agree, this guy was a d-bag. It doesnt reflect on you. Its him. He probably does this all the time.

Theres some saying about fishing in a toxic pond or something, youll catch poison fish?

You asked awhile back where to meet people.

Maybe this is where we can steer the thread now. Giving helpful suggestions to OP rather than castigating her. Really now.
1st guy I met on a dating app overseas.

2nd guy I met in person by chance (he was a plumber who came to fix my heating, sounds like a porn movie plot I know)

3rd guy on OK Cupid.

However, I'm not going to swear off dating apps altogether. I've had some lovely Tinder dates (which didn't involve sex.) I'm also more interested in meeting men through shared activities. I'm thinking of taking up golf and acro yoga.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
7,053 posts, read 3,930,748 times
Reputation: 16913
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I wonder, after all the learning she is exploring here in this thread, why you chose to castigate her?
Tough love. Why do you choose to coddle her? She went in eyes wide open and what I donít get is that she says sheís not into casual sex because she gets attached... I get that, but then she went ahead and did it anyway. Why? Hoping to set the hook? Thatís what it sounds like to me. Not a great plan... as she well found out. Iíve seen it a ton of times.. a girl has sex with a guy in order to try and secure a relationship and when it doesnít pan out... she feels used.
They barely knew one another so how can she blame the him if she was willing to have sex with him without any kind of communication before hand? He probably just thought she was cool with casual sex ( she did do it). Was he supposed to be a mind reader? Was he supposed to have some kind intuition on how she felt about sex?
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:23 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
1st guy I met on a dating app overseas.

2nd guy I met in person by chance (he was a plumber who came to fix my heating, sounds like a porn movie plot I know)

3rd guy on OK Cupid.

However, I'm not going to swear off dating apps altogether. I've had some lovely Tinder dates (which didn't involve sex.) I'm also more interested in meeting men through shared activities. I'm thinking of taking up golf and acro yoga.
Just my initial thoughts. I see nothing wrong with covering all bases, so using apps is fine.

I think the risk though is that a lot of guys on apps will have ulterior motives. Because they are playing the numbers game too.

Some guys on there are just racking up their number and will say anything to get another girl in bed. And they are not necessarily seeing this girl as a human who could be hurt by the aftermath of this.

One way to weed out guys like that is to present a bunch of hoops they have to jump through before even meeting you. Make a questionnaire. Im serious.

Write a list of questions of things that are meaningful to you. Things you want to know about him. Probe his thoughts and values with this. Dont meet up with anyone unless he answers all the questions and you like his answers.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sydney123 View Post
Tough love. Why do you choose to coddle her? She went in eyes wide open and what I don’t get is that she says she’s not into casual sex because she gets attached... I get that, but then she went ahead and did it anyway. Why? Hoping to set the hook? That’s what it sounds like to me. Not a great plan... as she well found out. I’ve seen it a ton of times.. a girl has sex with a guy in order to try and secure a relationship and when it doesn’t pan out... she feels used.
They barely knew one another so how can she blame the him if she was willing to have sex with him without any kind of communication before hand? He probably just thought she was cool with casual sex ( she did do it). Was he supposed to be a mind reader? Was he supposed to have some kind intuition on how she felt about sex?
You're not getting it.

He was passing through my area. I knew it was going to go nowhere in terms of a relationship. He moved 9,000 miles away 3 days after he sent his "I'm not coming" text. That was always his plan. We both knew it.

I was "butthurt" because I expect respect from casual sex partners. Civilities, like "hello", "goodbye", "it's been fun". Not being stood up 5 mins beforehand, with no explanation or further contact. When you have casual sex with someone, you still open yourself up in an intimate way. I'd expect a goodbye after that, some kind of acknowledgement. I also don't expect to be stood up on the night I think we'll be saying goodbye and having our last meeting.

To be honest, you sound like one of those people who treats people poorly and then when they don't respond well, tell them to "get over themselves". Having casual sex doesn't give people a licence to be rude.

I demand respect in all my relationships, so sorry, but I am not interested in your brand of "tough love" telling me to settle for something less.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:30 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Right. And I think the best way to take care of it is to not to jump into bed with someone at the first sign of chemistry but instead take the time to find out who they really are.
Right, but to me jumping in bed because of chemistry is how casual sex most often happens. So we are right back at the beginning.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:32 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
Right, but to me jumping in bed because of chemistry is how casual sex most often happens. So we are right back at the beginning.
It seems like some people on this thread also put more thought into choosing a casual partner than I have in the past. E.g. choosing existing friends.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:33 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by stanley-88888888 View Post
i still dont get what this thread has to do with women; or, casual sex; or, oxytocin; ... ?

some d-bag treated you rudely then ignored you. i would be upset too.
This particular guy came out and the context of the poster explaining that she is unable to have casual sex without getting attached to the man regardless of how they treat her. And by the time she realizes they donít treat her well itís too late because sheís hooked from the sex. This one guy is just one example. It just started to get stuck on that one person I think in the thread.
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Old 08-08-2019, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
7,053 posts, read 3,930,748 times
Reputation: 16913
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Just my initial thoughts. I see nothing wrong with covering all bases, so using apps is fine.

I think the risk though is that a lot of guys on apps will have ulterior motives. Because they are playing the numbers game too.

Some guys on there are just racking up their number and will say anything to get another girl in bed. And they are not necessarily seeing this girl as a human who could be hurt by the aftermath of this.

One way to weed out guys like that is to present a bunch of hoops they have to jump through before even meeting you. Make a questionnaire. Im serious.

Write a list of questions of things that are meaningful to you. Things you want to know about him. Probe his thoughts and values with this. Dont meet up with anyone unless he answers all the questions and you like his answers.
The problem with a questionnaire is that they can be skewed In favor of the taker.... Best behavior and all of that. Itís really a lot simpler than that.. itís called ďcommunicationĒ and sticking to your guns.
If youíre not comfortable with something.... donít do it! If youíre looking for a SO, set the boundaries up front.
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