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I sampled the FWB scene some 10 yrs ago, but I had more trouble with the male half of the equation. I was fine with FWB, and we supposedly discussed it several times. Then I met someone (this ASH), and was up front and honest with the fwb that I would be moving t be with this ASH. The fwb got all hateful and rude to me for that decision, and called me a *****. I reminded him that we had NEVER discussed him and I being exclusive, but I guess he was the one who became attached.
There’s this image that all guys are all into casual sex as that is all men want, men have no feelings, and so on. It seems it is totally acceptable to generalize men about it I guess but I was never into casual sex. I believe sex is such an intimate experience to just throw it around to whoever crossed my path. It was actually me who would say NO when I was dating. Yes I had girls question my manhood or make fun of it. I could understand them as I was “supposed” to always be ready for sex as that is what society expects from men but I didn’t care. I can imagine I would feel empty or used the next morning. If other people are into that, that’s their thing, but it is not my cup of tea.
This points to another thing that I need to say, that is important here.
OK so I'm more experienced than the average person. I've had a significant number of intimate partners in my lifetime. Not ashamed of this, nor bragging, just stating it because it means I've got a data set to work with that not everyone has.
The idea that women are the ones who always catch the feelings, and men are the ones who can engage in casual sex with complete detachment, and all that...is foolish. It is based only on cultural norms surrounding males as the pursuers of sex and women the gatekeepers of it. We've all grown up seeing it saturating our media, the stories we are told, and we've bought the lie.
It's a lie, because men ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY have just as wide a natural emotional range as women, and they are not more in control of their emotions (women just have more cultural "permission" to admit and engage emotionally than men do.)
Anyone can "catch feelings." Or fail to do so! The number of times that a male sex partner of mine caught the feels and followed me around like a puppy is far higher than the number of times that I caught the feels and got left behind by some smooth player. It's about twice as high, actually. And there have been times I've been with a guy, and there was nothing WRONG with him...on paper there was every reason that I should be totally into him...yet I just was not feeling it. The spark, the magic, the desire. The one time I tried to settle in and make it work anyways, was a DISASTER...it was my 18 years of hell marriage...I never did develop the feelings I thought I "should" have for him. And while it was delayed all those years, eventually he came to know the truth and it broke his heart.
Sometimes a person just isn't feelin' it.
But yeah it's definitely not always guys looking for casual sex, and definitely not always women who fall in love. LOTS of men are looking for meaningful relationships.
Well, she has access to my social groups. Hopefully she will find someone who is emotionally sophisticated enough to be able to enjoy company and sex together without demanding she give up everything and everyone else in her life besides him.
I have.
Multiple times in fact.
How would you feel if you met someone and enjoyed time and company with them, and then they were like, "OK now I'm going to need you to stop being who you are, stop enjoying what you like, never read comics or go to conventions or play any games anymore, become someone else, oh and give up your friends and family to sit here next to me forever. And be happy about it. Really why should you need anyone or anything else?"
Ya think it's either that or "close up shop?" Because how dare she expect a man to respect her life and goals and space and plans? I mean maybe if you live in the middle of nowhere with like 10 people you could date, to choose from, but for those of us surrounded by possibilities, I don't see why it's got to be like that, at ALL.
And this is why I get in here and elsewhere and talk about this. Because no, it absolutely does NOT have to be that way. Not if someone doesn't want it to be. There is no need whatsoever for her to settle for less than what genuinely works best for her.
I am not sure if you're being hyperbolic to make a point. YOu mean to tell me every single guy she's been with expected to give it ALL up for them? There was no give and take whatsoever? I am just trying to decipher whether or not how exaggerated that situation is.
I once knew of a woman that thought that a guy seeing her more than once a week was too much, and he was "needy".
Some of these "independent' types really just prefer a life a solitude, if not, they only spend time with someone when it's convenient to them only.
There’s this image that all guys are all into casual sex as that is all men want, men have no feelings, and so on. It seems it is totally acceptable to generalize men about it I guess but I was never into casual sex. I believe sex is such an intimate experience to just throw it around to whoever crossed my path. It was actually me who would say NO when I was dating. Yes I had girls question my manhood or make fun of it. I could understand them as I was “supposed†to always be ready for sex as that is what society expects from men but I didn’t care. I can imagine I would feel empty or used the next morning. If other people are into that, that’s their thing, but it is not my cup of tea.
Well, she has access to my social groups. Hopefully she will find someone who is emotionally sophisticated enough to be able to enjoy company and sex together without demanding she give up everything and everyone else in her life besides him.
I have.
Multiple times in fact.
How would you feel if you met someone and enjoyed time and company with them, and then they were like, "OK now I'm going to need you to stop being who you are, stop enjoying what you like, never read comics or go to conventions or play any games anymore, become someone else, oh and give up your friends and family to sit here next to me forever. And be happy about it. Really why should you need anyone or anything else?"
Well to be fair, a person can choose a monogamous love style without turning into an abusive jerk. At which point it may be simply, we are not compatible. Cheers.
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Ya think it's either that or "close up shop?" Because how dare she expect a man to respect her life and goals and space and plans? I mean maybe if you live in the middle of nowhere with like 10 people you could date, to choose from, but for those of us surrounded by possibilities, I don't see why it's got to be like that, at ALL.
And this is why I get in here and elsewhere and talk about this. Because no, it absolutely does NOT have to be that way. Not if someone doesn't want it to be. There is no need whatsoever for her to settle for less than what genuinely works best for her.
But of course she does. She is a woman. She is keeper of the fun, entertainment, morality, sex, family and every other damned thing.
I am not sure if you're being hyperbolic to make a point. YOu mean to tell me every single guy she's been with expected to give it ALL up for them? There was no give and take whatsoever? I am just trying to decipher whether or not how exaggerated that situation is.
I once knew of a woman that thought that a guy seeing her more than once a week was too much, and he was "needy".
Some of these "independent' types really just prefer a life a solitude, if not, they only spend time with someone when it's convenient to them only.
And that is bad how? For them to do what they want? I am here to tell you that that scheduling works well for some men too. Some LIKE IT better than the attached at the hip style of "relationship".
And yes, for myself, I see waaaaaayy more men wanting me to give over everything to the "relationship" (aka him) than I do more sane, confident men. That is why I cherish the ones I know, whether we want a "relationship" with each other or not.
I am not sure if you're being hyperbolic to make a point. YOu mean to tell me every single guy she's been with expected to give it ALL up for them? There was no give and take whatsoever? I am just trying to decipher whether or not how exaggerated that situation is.
I once knew of a woman that thought that a guy seeing her more than once a week was too much, and he was "needy".
Some of these "independent' types really just prefer a life a solitude, if not, they only spend time with someone when it's convenient to them only.
Given what she wants out of life, yes. They do.
She wants to be able to buy herself a fast motorcycle if she wants. Go on rafting/fishing trips in Montana with a group of people who paid to be there, no boyfriend to chaperone required. She wants to travel on a whim anywhere in the world. She wants to train her dog for search and rescue. Go shoot high powered rifles with a male friend who happens to be good enough to teach her. Turn around the next day and visit another male friend who lets her drive his Lamborghini. She once went and lived in Australia for a year without really even telling anybody where she was going. She wants to decide she is bored tonight and feels like dressing up and going drinking with her friends, or going to a BDSM party if she wants.
And she does.
She CAN, and she DOES.
Rather than Mr. "Well I thought you would just sit at home and text moopy shmoopy wuvvy woos all night with me. I really don't like it when you go see other men!" And what does he offer her? Not a lot, really. Enjoyable sex and conversation now and then?
You say maybe she should just be alone. But why, though? She doesn't have to. She is gorgeous, and cool, and fun, and lots of people want to be around her and with her. She has the leverage to be able to say, "These are my terms, take 'em or leave 'em!" Give me one reason why she should not exercise that right? It is HER LIFE, so she should damn well make the rules.
Now obviously, it's not gonna work out between her and any guy whose life ambition is a nice little wifey who will pick up his socks and wait on him and never talk to other men, and maybe give him some babies and whatever. She is too high-speed for me (I actually considered dating her myself for a little while there) and she's too high-speed for most people.
So what's gonna work best for her, for a while, is casual relationships. Because she wants to get laid without becoming a homebody. Don't see why not!
This is a very interesting topic. I am not a licensed counselor, but tend to dabble in these things. I have taken some of the discussed material here and applied it to close friends whom I know very well. It seems that one must consider that each person will have more than one social personality tendency at one time, and with the crossing into different categories simultaneously, the final personality outcome is not just one definition or category.
Here is a demonstration of my actual friends/family:
KG: She is a people collector. She seems to be constantly deplete of attention from others. However, she is also a follower who will only think and do what she has been told to think and do. The out come is that she slept with many people and cheated on every single man she ever dated, but married young, and followed all the rules of her family and the Catholic church. Now she collects only female friends
DS: She is also a people collector, but is more apt to think for herself, and not care what others think of her than KG. She has been married 5 times, and has slept with more men than any of the rest of us by triple digits. She is happy being by herself emotionally and would never want anyone around to tell her how to raise her daughter, so she continues to collect men whom remain at arms length. If she has an emotional connection, it is more like that of somebodynew, and she will say "aw how cute....but then this will never work, so let me compartmentalize that emotion and move on"
MR: She is extremely insecure and is thus an over-achiever in some things, and does not try at all in others. It seems she does not try at all subconsciously on purpose so that she will have a few things to pity herself over. She remained a virgin until she met her husband though it always seemed she kind of envied the rest of us who didn't, but being a habitual right-doer of what her parents wanted, that is what she did. Her spouse left her, and she literally made it a goal to have another husband by the time her youngest child left the house so that she would never have to be alone
I could go on, but y'all have probably already stopped reading-LOL
I love this kind of stuff!
All-in-all I think everyone is correct in their analysis, and one has to consider that more than one analysis can and is probably true for every person. Each of us has more than one personality "disorder" for lack of a better term
I stray too far from my point, which was that I don't think that there is anything wrong with structuring your choices in life or love, however you can and want to do...so long as you are HONEST.
That's one point where I think people get all tripped up. The men who I grew up meeting, hearing them talk, or hearing about in media, who would tell smooth lies, promise love and all sorts of things, when in fact they're playing a game, trying to hit it and quit it...and they knew that all along... I don't like the lying. I don't like the using. It is every bit as wrong as a woman who makes false promises to extort sex, money, or anything from anyone.
Now if, on the other hand, you happen to want something other than the standard bundle of relationship expectations, odds are you aren't the only human being who wants to march to a different beat, and if you pursue what you need and want in good faith, it may be possible. Yes, you might have some swing & miss experiences, probably you will. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. At the end of the day you can live with yourself because you never promised what you knew you couldn't deliver. And if your needs or wants should change, just have another conversation, and see if there is room to accommodate that, or no. That's what happened with me and my fiance, I didn't think I wanted another serious relationship, let alone a marriage, but things changed, and we talked about it, and here we are, and we're both happy.
Is it common? Maybe not, no.
Is it possible? Yes. Lots of things are possible, because people aren't all the same.
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