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Old 08-10-2019, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099

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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
That makes sense. The way you describe it, you had some sentimental feelings over the relationship. If you didnt, the idea of going out of your way to cook a special meal would not have occurred to you. You might have said "Sure come over, or not. Bring some takeout if you do."

Did he know you planned the special meal? If he knew its possible it sounded very intimate to him. A home cooked meal etc. Too date like or girlfriendish? I dont know the nature of your previous hookups, if they involved romantic settings?

If not, the sudden shift to more romance, I can see how that could spook someone if thats not what they are after. It can create a sense of pressure too, like he might feel awkward or uncertain what is expected of him, or how he is expected to behave?

So maybe it wasnt so much disrespect as much as his avoidance of intimacy and a sudden realization on his part that you had begun to care for him as more than a casual sex partner?
Maybe that's what it was.

He didn't know I had gone to any trouble with the meal as I didn't tell him.

It didn't feel heavy to me, he was leaving like 3 days later. I had given him food I'd cooked on other occasions, but that was food I had hanging around. I wasn't about to declare my love for him and demand to be taken with him. He also knew my plans were taking me overseas in a different direction from his.
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Old 08-10-2019, 11:05 AM
 
652 posts, read 336,661 times
Reputation: 475
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Maybe that's what it was.

He didn't know I had gone to any trouble with the meal as I didn't tell him.

It didn't feel heavy to me, he was leaving like 3 days later. I had given him food I'd cooked on other occasions, but that was food I had hanging around. I wasn't about to declare my love for him and demand to be taken with him. He also knew my plans were taking me overseas in a different direction from his.
That makes a lot of my post irrelevant then. I figured he might have known about the meal you were cooking.

He might just not handle goodbyes well. Since it was obviously going to be your last meeting, the pressure and awkwardness over expectations could still have been making him uneasy. Through no fault of your own, just his own personality quirks.

Since I dont know you or him these are all just guesses.
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Old 08-10-2019, 11:38 AM
 
7,737 posts, read 3,032,095 times
Reputation: 12725
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
That makes a lot of my post irrelevant then. I figured he might have known about the meal you were cooking.

He might just not handle goodbyes well. Since it was obviously going to be your last meeting, the pressure and awkwardness over expectations could still have been making him uneasy. Through no fault of your own, just his own personality quirks.

Since I dont know you or him these are all just guesses.
That's what I thought too, or maybe he was the one who was too emotionally connected and didn't see the point of one last great time, "See how good we are? Byeee."
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Old 08-10-2019, 11:47 AM
 
652 posts, read 336,661 times
Reputation: 475
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
That's what I thought too, or maybe he was the one who was too emotionally connected and didn't see the point of one last great time, "See how good we are? Byeee."
Exactly.
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
The problem with casual sex is you don't really know who the person is at all...and many men are very good at presenting themselves as something they are not just to get to the sex. By the time we find out who they are, it's too late because we are hooked. For people like that, who are attracted to toxic people, the only way to choose better people is to stop hooking up and get to know the person first.
Exactly. That's the central problem I realised.

Unfortunately I think the bad boys can just seem attractive in the beginning, they can be fun, spontaneous, a bit daring. I'm not saying nice men are inherently unattractive, but you might not feel the whoosh of chemistry from the get go. That's been my experience anyway.
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:10 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
Exactly.
I dunno. It was so cold though. I mean, just make up a plausible sounding excuse or something rather than text a one liner.

Anyway, have no idea why and people are weird sometimes
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:20 PM
 
7,737 posts, read 3,032,095 times
Reputation: 12725
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
The problem with casual sex is you don't really know who the person is at all...and many men are very good at presenting themselves as something they are not just to get to the sex. By the time we find out who they are, it's too late because we are hooked. For people like that, who are attracted to toxic people, the only way to choose better people is to stop hooking up and get to know the person first.
Yes, presenting oneself as something they aren't is entirely different than not looking for a commitment. Sometimes people want something, and just make assumptions that the physical part is an indicator of agreement. "By the time we find out who they are" could easily translate to: "By the time we realized we were assuming."

I think it's a good point that we are honestly looking at the person, not as what we think they appear to present, but objectively by their words and actions- some actions do not exclusively belong to the commitment category.

tl;dr: Ask and listen, (explained without gender labels).
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:38 PM
 
1,954 posts, read 1,350,468 times
Reputation: 3344
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
The problem with casual sex is you don't really know who the person is at all...and many men are very good at presenting themselves as something they are not just to get to the sex. By the time we find out who they are, it's too late because we are hooked. For people like that, who are attracted to toxic people, the only way to choose better people is to stop hooking up and get to know the person first.
Great post. Lots of guys are actors waiting to get the sex and run after we get it. Pump and Dump. Too bad too many people end up falling for this ruse and end up as another story of conquest for the guy to brag about to his friends and saying how easy it is.
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:42 PM
 
652 posts, read 336,661 times
Reputation: 475
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Yes, presenting oneself as something they aren't is entirely different than not looking for a commitment. Sometimes people want something, and just make assumptions that the physical part is an indicator of agreement. "By the time we find out who they are" could easily translate to: "By the time we realized we were assuming."

I think it's a good point that we are honestly looking at the person, not as what we think they appear to present, but objectively by their words and actions- some actions do not exclusively belong to the commitment category.

tl;dr: Ask and listen, (explained without gender labels).
True. What ocnjgirl is saying could translate to "Withhold sex until he figures out what you want to hear before you will have sex with him."

Its just another form of game playing (by the female) and many guys have caught on. Many are using that as a reason to hump and dump, because they resent the game playing and manipulation.
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099
I don't see it as game playing at all. I think the fact is I'm looking for an emotional connection more than sex. I want both but the connection is more important, I don't enjoy sex as much without the emotional aspect. It does feel weird jumping into bed with a stranger and I've made it awkward in the past by expressing that to men.
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