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Old 08-10-2019, 12:54 PM
 
21,053 posts, read 16,871,551 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Exactly. That's the central problem I realised.

Unfortunately I think the bad boys can just seem attractive in the beginning, they can be fun, spontaneous, a bit daring. I'm not saying nice men are inherently unattractive, but you might not feel the whoosh of chemistry from the get go. That's been my experience anyway.
I understand that, I was the same. The whoosh of chemistry is really a warning that you're about to repeat a pattern.

The sex was good but not as good as it is with my current. With the guys I was hooked on, I wasn't having sex as an equal with them as much as trying to impress them enough that they'd fall in love with me.

My current was that Unicorn, not that instant chemistry/bad boy feeling, but not that bland, passive guy I didn't feel anything for either. He is manly in all the ways I like, knows how to fix anything, physically strong and makes me feel protected, but he never stops showing me he loves me. The sex is better than it was with the other guys.

Last edited by ocnjgirl; 08-10-2019 at 01:07 PM..
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Old 08-10-2019, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
I understand that, I was the same. The whoosh of chemistry is really a warning that you're about to repeat a pattern.

The sex was good but not as good as it is with my current. With the guys I was hooked on, I wasn't having sex as an equal with them as much as trying to impress them enough that they'd fall in love with me.
Yes. That's why I'm waiting...I want the next time I have sex with someone to be meaningful, not just exciting.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:05 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
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You two might disagree with me but I have found that "whoosh" of chemistry is actually often fear. Its your instincts telling you this is a dangerous guy, but many women equate it with chemistry or attraction. So I agree the whoosh is a bad sign usually.

Not that genuine attraction cannot be exciting, but the heart pounding and stomach dropping might not be as intense. It might be safer and cuter feeling, like looking at a litter of puppies and saying awwwww rather than about to jump out of a plane exciting imo.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:10 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00 View Post
You two might disagree with me but I have found that "whoosh" of chemistry is actually often fear. Its your instincts telling you this is a dangerous guy, but many women equate it with chemistry or attraction. So I agree the whoosh is a bad sign usually.

Not that genuine attraction cannot be exciting, but the heart pounding and stomach dropping might not be as intense. It might be safer and cuter feeling, like looking at a litter of puppies and saying awwwww rather than about to jump out of a plane exciting imo.
Could well be.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:13 PM
 
5,606 posts, read 2,384,794 times
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The Relationship message board is filled to the rafters with the experiences of people who have been burned by the casual sex, friends-with-benefits canard. If you read one of those posts, you've read a million. They are the triumph of hope over experience. They almost all go something like this:

"I started having sex with this person just for fun. But this person started getting attached. I said from the beginning that this was a FWB kind of thing, but it's now he/she is clingy and demanding we spend time together. Why does this always happen to me?"

Or there's its counterpart, "We had sex together, but I've grown more attached over time. How do I get him/her to think of me as more than a bed buddy?"

To be sure, there are a few who can get up out of bed after making the beast with two backs and walk away. But for most, you just can't divorce physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. Sure it might not click the first time you bump uglies. But over time it's going to happen. That's because we're hard-wired physiologically to associate sex with relationships. The oxytocin that gets released in sex creates emotional bonding, just the way it does with new mothers during childbirth. This is why that girl you banged a couple of weekends in a row is suddenly calling you at 11 pm at night wondering where the hell you are--and why you aren't returning her phone calls. It's an oft-told tale of woe.

What's more with the prevalence of STDs and the constant possibility of pregnancy despite all precautions, sex with the wrong person at the wrong time can have long-term consequences. There are just as many posts on here about some dumb guy who had a weekend special with someone, only to wind up with eighteen years of child-support payments. Heck, it happened to my brother-in-law.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:21 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
I understand that, I was the same. The whoosh of chemistry is really a warning that you're about to repeat a pattern.

The sex was good but not as good as it is with my current. With the guys I was hooked on, I wasn't having sex as an equal with them as much as trying to impress them enough that they'd fall in love with me.

My current was that Unicorn, not that instant chemistry/bad boy feeling, but not that bland, passive guy I didn't feel anything for either. He is manly in all the ways I like, knows how to fix anything, physically strong and makes me feel protected, but he never stops showing me he loves me. The sex is better than it was with the other guys.
Imo you maybe didnt enjoy the sex due to fear and uncertainty. You didnt know if he was even going to call ever again, so that distracted you, you couldnt relax?

I agree women enjoy sex more when there is a bit of security there. Its a balance. Not some guy who might have a big johnson and can act like a jackhammer for 2 hours, then says see ya, leaving us in a puddle and we never hear from him again. Not a turn on, unless you are Samantha Jones.

Its all about the balance.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:24 PM
 
2,150 posts, read 591,211 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
The Relationship message board is filled to the rafters with the experiences of people who have been burned by the casual sex, friends-with-benefits canard. If you read one of those posts, you've read a million. They are the triumph of hope over experience. They almost all go something like this:

"I started having sex with this person just for fun. But this person started getting attached. I said from the beginning that this was a FWB kind of thing, but it's now he/she is clingy and demanding we spend time together. Why does this always happen to me?"

Or there's its counterpart, "We had sex together, but I've grown more attached over time. How do I get him/her to think of me as more than a bed buddy?"

To be sure, there are a few who can get up out of bed after making the beast with two backs and walk away. But for most, you just can't divorce physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. Sure it might not click the first time you bump uglies. But over time it's going to happen. That's because we're hard-wired physiologically to associate sex with relationships. The oxytocin that gets released in sex creates emotional bonding, just the way it does with new mothers during childbirth. This is why that girl you banged a couple of weekends in a row is suddenly calling you at 11 pm at night wondering where the hell you are--and why you aren't returning her phone calls. It's an oft-told tale of woe.

What's more with the prevalence of STDs and the constant possibility of pregnancy despite all precautions, sex with the wrong person at the wrong time can have long-term consequences. There are just as many posts on here about some dumb guy who had a weekend special with someone, only to wind up with eighteen years of child-support payments. Heck, it happened to my brother-in-law.
Yep...opening up Pandora's Box. (The Bolded) It appears the polyamory crowd seems to be immune to this or has made themselves an exception.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:28 PM
 
656 posts, read 340,825 times
Reputation: 476
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Yep...opening up Pandora's Box. (The Bolded) It appears the polyamory crowd seems to be immune to this or has made themselves an exception.
Or some people can feel affection and warm feelings without slapping a bunch of expectations on the other person.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
722 posts, read 133,994 times
Reputation: 1130
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Yep...opening up Pandora's Box. (The Bolded) It appears the polyamory crowd seems to be immune to this or has made themselves an exception.
Sonic Spork said the polyamorists encourage emotional ties as part of their sexual relationships.
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Old 08-10-2019, 01:34 PM
 
7,750 posts, read 3,042,560 times
Reputation: 12758
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Yep...opening up Pandora's Box. (The Bolded) It appears the polyamory crowd seems to be immune to this or has made themselves an exception.
Who’s the polyamory crowd? Some people are so hellbent on putting labels, stereotypes, gender association, and just plain old pious judgement on others that they can’t express themselves clearly. It’s almost less offensive to just say: “you are bad and I am good” for some of you “folks”.

At least there isn’t a lot of criticism of monogamy here, and that is very telling indeed.
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