U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old Yesterday, 11:24 AM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,050,793 times
Reputation: 16402

Advertisements

^^The other consistent notion is that to speak about poly in this way is to denigrate monogamy. Which it isn't.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old Yesterday, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
This is a WILD over simplification.
Yes, it is. For reasons. But I have found it to be more or less true. Ish. The swingers I know, the people who go to swinger events and are into that lifestyle, are more sex-focused. The poly people I know, are more relationship focused. The mixed-origin etymology is indicative of such, and it was intentional. Not everyone does ethical non-monogamy the same way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
^^The other consistent notion is that to speak about poly in this way is to denigrate monogamy. Which it isn't.
Right. Seriously. Not only have I not suggested that monogamy is inferior to polyamory, I've tried to make the point that after experiencing poly, I went back to monogamy because it was a better thing for me. Of course, I'm doing it without the pieces of "what monogamy looks like" (according to my ex) that made me miserable in the past, and with more room for communication and negotiation. I do think that we could all learn stuff, maybe some of it useful, from people who are maybe living in a way we wouldn't want to.

I mean, to make another generalization, but one I think is fairly accurate... Most poly people I know have read at least one, if not several, book(s) on how to conduct a healthy relationship. Most default-mode-monogamists I know, never have, and might even scoff at the very idea. Does this mean you've got to be poly to care about having a healthy relationship? No! Duh, of course not! But would it kill a monogamous person to take a poly person's advice to read a book that could give them tools and insights that could be helpful...? THAT is why I still refer to poly as much as I do, it's not a poly vs. mono thing, it's a matter of believing I can steal some of the poly folks' good ideas and apply them anywhere I want!

Last edited by Sonic_Spork; Yesterday at 11:35 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 11:31 AM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,050,793 times
Reputation: 16402
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Yes, it is. For reasons. But I have found it to be more or less true. Ish. The swingers I know, the people who go to swinger events and are into that lifestyle, are more sex-focused. The poly people I know, are more relationship focused. The mixed-origin etymology is indicative of such, and it was intentional. Not everyone does ethical non-monogamy the same way.
My 18 years or so experience with ethical non-monogamy does not mesh with yours.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 11:44 AM
 
21,037 posts, read 16,851,089 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I know for sure no one said any such thing in this thread.
I don't think it's just now the tables are turning either. The late 60's through 70's (right up to the start of the AIDS epidemic in 1980 or so) was all about key parties and swinging and casual sex. No one pressured anyone to make part in it though, aside from individual guys who press for sex, but that's always been the case.


I honestly don't think poly is something that's going to be a positive for OP though. It wasn't just the one guy, she states she always gets attached and has gone through pain due to that. Some of us just have issues from childhood or just inborn, where casual sex is not pain-free no matter how we wish it could be. I just feel like perhaps OP is being encouraged to overlook her own instincts in some ways.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
My 18 years or so experience with ethical non-monogamy does not mesh with yours.
Care to elaborate? Even in DM? (spoken in tones of genuine curiosity--not argumentativeness.) I only have actual community level experience in one location, here in Colorado Springs. I am always curious about how things vary with other people and places. And I confess that my understanding of the swinger lifestyle is academic only, I've chosen not to be involved, and have never attended one of their events. I only know from a lot of hear-say from my friends who are into that. I have had far more contact with the polyamorists...which run quite a spectrum, but usually from what I've seen tend to focus more on their relationships, not just sexual hookups with, say, near-strangers.

I've read a number of books on poly, I still attend a discussion group now and then because I find their viewpoints interesting and helpful from a "relationship tools" stand point, and I've been a contributor on a poly forum for years. And of course a large number of the BDSM practitioners at the club I help to run, are poly, probably more of them are than aren't, I would guess. That's my background. I got very immersed but it's only been some 4+ years...prior to that, I think I had a natural inclination for it as a teenager to some extent, but I had a long (unhappy) monogamous/vanilla marriage in between here and there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
@ocnjgirl: I think that you are right in the sense that multiple partners might not be the answer.

I just wish that people felt the freedom to proceed at the rate of their own comfort and sense, in all the various aspects of things.

Like, at one point I wanted a sweet spot where me and any partner cared about one another, love is allowable, we have an expectation of continuing the relationship for some time, and expect to remain friends ongoing even if we stop dating/having sex. No clutching, demanding, possessiveness, making rules and holding each other accountable for time spent, no talk of cohabitation or marriage for the first couple of years at least, that sort of thing. I found that, but it didn't seem common among "normal" guys I was meeting in the world who do..."default" monogamy, as I've seen it.

It's like, "OK we've gone on 3 dates, I've known you 2 weeks, and we've had sex, SO you need to not talk to other men anymore, text me all day every day, respond to my every attempt to contact you so I know where you are and what you're doing at all times, you are MY girlfriend, you are MY property, we're gonna move in and get married and live happily ever after."

OR the one and only other alternative:

"You're an easy girl, and I like having sex with you, but if I start feeling something, or you say or do anything that makes me think you might be catching feels, I'm gonna bolt. I owe you no respect or consideration whatsoever. I don't have to respect your time, make or keep plans, or act like you are a human with a life. You're just a piece, not a person."

No other options. Nothing in between.

And when we have these kinds of discussions, I feel like this is the worldview that someone like ThisTown123 is defending, almost angrily. Like how dare a woman want a connection with friendship, sex, and possibly even love...but not to be "locked down" and monitored like Fort Knox or something. Golly it's like ya wanna have your cake and eat it too...can't have the fun, without the enforced misery! Price you pay for a guy treating you like a person!

Psh. No. I don't think so.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:09 PM
 
21,037 posts, read 16,851,089 times
Reputation: 39392
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
@ocnjgirl: I think that you are right in the sense that multiple partners might not be the answer.

I just wish that people felt the freedom to proceed at the rate of their own comfort and sense, in all the various aspects of things.

Like, at one point I wanted a sweet spot where me and any partner cared about one another, love is allowable, we have an expectation of continuing the relationship for some time, and expect to remain friends ongoing even if we stop dating/having sex. No clutching, demanding, possessiveness, making rules and holding each other accountable for time spent, no talk of cohabitation or marriage for the first couple of years at least, that sort of thing. I found that, but it didn't seem common among "normal" guys I was meeting in the world who do..."default" monogamy, as I've seen it.

It's like, "OK we've gone on 3 dates, I've known you 2 weeks, and we've had sex, SO you need to not talk to other men anymore, text me all day every day, respond to my every attempt to contact you so I know where you are and what you're doing at all times, you are MY girlfriend, you are MY property, we're gonna move in and get married and live happily ever after."

OR the one and only other alternative:

"You're an easy girl, and I like having sex with you, but if I start feeling something, or you say or do anything that makes me think you might be catching feels, I'm gonna bolt. I owe you no respect or consideration whatsoever. I don't have to respect your time, make or keep plans, or act like you are a human with a life. You're just a piece, not a person."

No other options. Nothing in between.

And when we have these kinds of discussions, I feel like this is the worldview that someone like ThisTown123 is defending, almost angrily. Like how dare a woman want a connection with friendship, sex, and possibly even love...but not to be "locked down" and monitored like Fort Knox or something. Golly it's like ya wanna have your cake and eat it too...can't have the fun, without the enforced misery! Price you pay for a guy treating you like a person!

Psh. No. I don't think so.
Yes, I can agree with you on that. I will say though in most of my experience those are two types that seem most prevalent. I had the guy who made me show him the grocery store receipt to prove I didn't go anywhere other than food shopping (sometimes he'd accuse me of having sex IN the supermarket, like the produce guy and I got so hot fondling the cucumbers that we just had to dash in the back for a few minutes. But I've also had the guy who bolts.


I agree there can and should be middle ground for those who want that and can handle that. I feel like I've found my Unicorn, where we are most definitely committed to each other but there's no jealousy or possessiveness on either part, but it took me until 57 to find it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:09 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099
ocnjgirl, I'll update on here in terms of how it goes when I start dating again (moving to Spain next month and not looking to date right now). I often get poly people contacting me on dating apps even though I said I was monogamous. My internal response before was: "how dare you, do I seem like the kind of person to accept the crumbs of other peoples' relationships??" I accept I was probably a bit prejudiced based on dating a polyamorous emotionally unavailable people in the past. I think if I get contacted by a hot poly person I will at least be somewhat curious.

As an aside, a Tarot reader friend of mine did my cards and told me she thinks I am going to get into a long term relationship this year. She predicted a few other things that came true another time. Relationships are on my mind at this phase in my life, more than anything else.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:12 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,739 posts, read 4,955,755 times
Reputation: 12743
I've been going back and forth on whether I wanted to post in this thread, but I keep coming back to it for some reason. I would write something, then delete it because I wasn't sure how/didn't feel qualified to respond lol. But I feel like this boils down to what you want, what you're comfortable with, and what you can handle. I'm pretty sensitive and my insecurities still get the best of me sometimes, so I would probably be better off being in a committed monogamous relationship.

I personally probably wouldn't get into a casual situation with someone I don't know, but I may try a FWB if the circumstances were right for it. But if I'm realistic that may not happen either. The conversation about poly and swinging relationships is interesting and I like seeing the different perspectives on it. I don't think I could do it honestly. I can barely handle dealing with ONE person let alone multiple others. But the overall message of loving more than one person is nice.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Yesterday, 12:16 PM
 
2,145 posts, read 587,518 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post

And when we have these kinds of discussions, I feel like this is the worldview that someone like ThisTown123 is defending, almost angrily. Like how dare a woman want a connection with friendship, sex, and possibly even love...but not to be "locked down" and monitored like Fort Knox or something. Golly it's like ya wanna have your cake and eat it too...can't have the fun, without the enforced misery! Price you pay for a guy treating you like a person!
Again you are putting words with your mouth with this, "not to be "locked down" and monitored like Fort Knox or something" and the, "can't have the fun, without the enforced misery!" Where in the world did you pull that. Unless you're just exaggerating for effect? Hyperbolic?

This is how you paint monogamy apparently? You considered not having multiple lovers to be that of "enforced misery"? Is that what you're getting from this?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top