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Old Yesterday, 12:18 PM
 
2,145 posts, read 587,518 times
Reputation: 1408

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
The conversation about poly and swinging relationships is interesting and I like seeing the different perspectives on it. I don't think I could do it honestly. I can barely handle dealing with ONE person let alone multiple others. But the overall message of loving more than one person is nice.
Right...I remember a discussion on terrestrial radio where they were talking about how it would be a fantasy to do so-and-so, but when in reality...it just isn't as appealing as you would think or would go the way you would think.

The IDEA of it may sound appealing, but if it it got real...then you'd probably turn tail.
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Old Yesterday, 12:32 PM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,058,613 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Right...I remember a discussion on terrestrial radio where they were talking about how it would be a fantasy to do so-and-so, but when in reality...it just isn't as appealing as you would think or would go the way you would think.

The IDEA of it may sound appealing, but if it it got real...then you'd probably turn tail.
The thing is, as people gain experience, they still choose the real. It is the expectation of what it SHOULD be that is often incorrect.
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Old Yesterday, 12:32 PM
 
7,737 posts, read 3,032,095 times
Reputation: 12725
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I mean, to make another generalization, but one I think is fairly accurate... Most poly people I know have read at least one, if not several, book(s) on how to conduct a healthy relationship. Most default-mode-monogamists I know, never have, and might even scoff at the very idea. Does this mean you've got to be poly to care about having a healthy relationship? No! Duh, of course not! But would it kill a monogamous person to take a poly person's advice to read a book that could give them tools and insights that could be helpful...? THAT is why I still refer to poly as much as I do, it's not a poly vs. mono thing, it's a matter of believing I can steal some of the poly folks' good ideas and apply them anywhere I want!
Wrong. Disappointingly wrong ...I mean come on, really?? I hope I read this wrong... you’re now in the same boat as TT!! Judgy judgy, fine example.

I think I take such exception to that, because I was going to agree with you about people being open minded and interested in other people‘s points of view! Without telling them what their view is...

Maybe you don’t know any monogamous people, or monogamous by default, or vanilla, or whatever slightly negativeway you want to describe them —which is doing the same thing as TT does!!

I spent many years after my horrible marriage reading self-help books. I don’t wanna get into a relationship when I obviously didn’t know after that, how to have a proper functioning one.

Since friends I have a post on here, could very well be therapists or counselors, one is, which is why I compare notes so often with both him and her... do you think they don’t have any introspect into themselves? “Self help books” Aren’t equivalent to the books and materials needed to get a degree in psychology, a behavior analyst, as a licensed social worker? They have no insight self-help books, or “Real Ideas” they don’t help people figure out what it is that’s holding them back, and themselves as well?

Eye opening.
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Old Yesterday, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,442,854 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Again you are putting words with your mouth with this, "not to be "locked down" and monitored like Fort Knox or something" and the, "can't have the fun, without the enforced misery!" Where in the world did you pull that. Unless you're just exaggerating for effect? Hyperbolic?

This is how you paint monogamy apparently? You considered not having multiple lovers to be that of "enforced misery"? Is that what you're getting from this?
If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...

And wanna talk about putting words in mouths?

I'm talking about how guys that women encounter in the world, very very often ACT.

Being expected to never TALK TO other men, being expected to ACCOUNT FOR EVERY MOMENT of my life? Yes THAT is enforced misery.

I am talking about (and differentiating) "default" monogamy. It's not about having multiple lovers, as I have explained again and again, it's about the bundle of assumptions and standard-issue mindset that people come to dating with.

You are either someone they see as wife material (which brings on the possessiveness) or you're a moment's recreation to be used and disregarded with no consideration or respect.

For some of us, neither of these things are acceptable. We simply have to find people who are capable of being a bit more nuanced and complex than this. That was part of the appeal of polyamory. Thinking outside of this narrow little box.
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Old Yesterday, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,442,854 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Wrong. Disappointingly wrong ...I mean come on, really?? I hope I read this wrong... you’re now in the same boat as TT!! Judgy judgy, fine example.

I think I take such exception to that, because I was going to agree with you about people being open minded and interested in other people‘s points of view! Without telling them what their view is...

Maybe you don’t know any monogamous people, or monogamous by default, or vanilla, or whatever slightly negativeway you want to describe them —which is doing the same thing as TT does!!

I spent many years after my horrible marriage reading self-help books. I don’t wanna get into a relationship when I obviously didn’t know after that, how to have a proper functioning one.

Since friends I have a post on here, could very well be therapists or counselors, one is, which is why I compare notes so often with both him and her... do you think they don’t have any introspect into themselves? “Self help books” Aren’t equivalent to the books and materials needed to get a degree in psychology, a behavior analyst, as a licensed social worker? They have no insight self-help books, or “Real Ideas” they don’t help people figure out what it is that’s holding them back, and themselves as well?

Eye opening.
*sigh*

I'm talking about men I was encountering in dating.

Guys, regular Joes from OKC and the like. I couldn't imagine in a million years, most of the men I met, reading a book on how to have a healthier relationship, even if they'd been through a divorce. They were all prepared to explain to me how all of this works, what the rules were, how the game must be played. Just like a lot of guys here do, all the time.

All I want, is to be able to say, "But why do the rules HAVE to be that? Are we even playing the same game?" If I don't like that game, I will play a different one, or I'll take my ball and go home.

And there will always be guys mad about it if a woman does either thing. But that's tough. I don't have to stay on their ball field, and I don't have to play by their rules.

If they are agreeable rules and an agreeable game for some, that's great! I'm glad when anyone is having a good life. Sorry if folks don't think it's possible that I have found some good ideas and more self aware people, in my wacky little fringe community, than I have in the general population. By no means have I been trying to say that ALL polyamorists are in some elevated position to ALL monogomists.

Haven't been saying that. Tired of the "us vs. them" and I'm disappointed it's gone this direction. I'm just repeating myself now so that's the sign it's time for me to stop.

Hope ya find your happily ever after, OP, whatever it ends up looking like for you!
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Old Yesterday, 12:49 PM
 
21,037 posts, read 16,859,002 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
ocnjgirl, I'll update on here in terms of how it goes when I start dating again (moving to Spain next month and not looking to date right now). I often get poly people contacting me on dating apps even though I said I was monogamous. My internal response before was: "how dare you, do I seem like the kind of person to accept the crumbs of other peoples' relationships??" I accept I was probably a bit prejudiced based on dating a polyamorous emotionally unavailable people in the past. I think if I get contacted by a hot poly person I will at least be somewhat curious.

As an aside, a Tarot reader friend of mine did my cards and told me she thinks I am going to get into a long term relationship this year. She predicted a few other things that came true another time. Relationships are on my mind at this phase in my life, more than anything else.
Well I hope whatever you choose brings happiness!
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Old Yesterday, 12:55 PM
 
7,737 posts, read 3,032,095 times
Reputation: 12725
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
*sigh*

Haven't been saying that. Tired of the "us vs. them" and I'm disappointed it's gone this direction. I'm just repeating myself now so that's the sign it's time for me to stop.
I am too, I still don’t see an ‘us vs them’ coming from the majority though, so that’s a slight relief.
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Old Yesterday, 12:58 PM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,058,613 times
Reputation: 16402
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Wrong. Disappointingly wrong ...I mean come on, really?? I hope I read this wrong... you’re now in the same boat as TT!! Judgy judgy, fine example.
Some of us have 2 points of view that are often difficult to express and sound really judgy even though that is not the intent.

- Monogamy is the default, right, best thing. And oh how we tut thee in our wise open mindedness about your little exploration with polyamory. Cuz it's so cute. But you will be back from the fold of even when you get your mind right. This is wholesale ignoring the people who view poly as things it is not, like an excuse to f everything in sight, all about the f'ing. Nothing but the f'ing. And evil to boot.

Meh I got bored typing out the second.

Quote:
I think I take such exception to that, because I was going to agree with you about people being open minded and interested in other people‘s points of view! Without telling them what their view is...
And some are. And some are not.

Quote:
Maybe you don’t know any monogamous people, or monogamous by default, or vanilla, or whatever slightly negativeway you want to describe them —which is doing the same thing as TT does!!
I suspect Sonic shares my view that monogamy be default was not referring to any given person. But that monogamy IS default for humans by nature, nurture or by virtue of being Most RIght and BEST. That is the PoV, that I object to.
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Old Yesterday, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099
Thanks all.

I suppose the over arching conclusion from this thread is:

Do what suits you. Which I knew before, but was interested to hear what suits others.

Some people see things very black and white, don't have much tolerance for ambiguity & like to have set labels for things, others don't.
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Old Yesterday, 01:03 PM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,058,613 times
Reputation: 16402
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
I am talking about (and differentiating) "default" monogamy. It's not about having multiple lovers, as I have explained again and again, it's about the bundle of assumptions and standard-issue mindset that people come to dating with.

You are either someone they see as wife material (which brings on the possessiveness) or you're a moment's recreation to be used and disregarded with no consideration or respect.

For some of us, neither of these things are acceptable. We simply have to find people who are capable of being a bit more nuanced and complex than this. That was part of the appeal of polyamory. Thinking outside of this narrow little box.
I add, for myself, a complete rejection of the personal value associated with being one or the other of those. The standard bundle of assumption often includes judgment of a woman's inherent value based on which of those too positions she looks like she stands.
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