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Old 08-06-2019, 10:47 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,184 posts, read 71,306,112 times
Reputation: 77398

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I hope this is in the right forum? Not sure if it fits here as it's about casual relationships, not committed ones (sorry to the mods if it doesn't fit.)

I was having an interesting conversation with a member (somebodynew) about casual sex and why I can't do it as a woman.

I referenced this article:

The Truth Behind Why Women Find It Harder To Have Casual Sex Than Men Do

To summarise:

Somebodynew was talking about casual sex and a friends with benefits situation she had going. I said I envied her as I could never do that, I'm not wired for it (I always get attached to someone if we start having sex.)

An example: The last time I had casual sex was 6 months ago with a guy who was just passing through and we had met up several times and had a great time, he stood me up with some poor excuse on the last time we arranged, I was literally cooking dinner for us when he rudely texted me 5 mins before he was meant to arrive with "I'm not coming". I sent him a text to wish him well and say it had been fun, as he was leaving the area the next day and got nothing back. No thanks, no acknowledgment of what we had shared together was fun or special. It obviously wasn't. I had shared intimate moments with him and was so gutted to be discarded with not even a goodbye. I cried and was sad for a few weeks. That was the moment I realised casual sex could not ever be for me, as my reaction seemed totally over the top but the fact was I had become bonded to this man through the sex and it was painful.

Somebodynew replied that maybe I am wired for casual sex, but maybe as a woman I've just been conditioned not to enjoy it.

I referenced the article above (women produce oxytocin when they have sex which bonds them to their partner which can be problematic if their partner doesn't want a relationship or is unsuitable.)

She said she had a few thoughts about this which she wouldn't share as we were going to hijack the thread.

So I created this one instead.

I realise this is quite a private topic so not sure whether others will want to share but what do you think of the article linked to above and does it match with your experiences as a woman?
I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I just want to say, that the belief that men don't bond through sex in the same way is a crock. Some do, some don't, just like some women do, others don't. We've had a few posts from men on this forum about how they fell for their FWB, but their feelings weren't reciprocated.

It's a human thing, not a gendered phenom. Note: the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, contrary to popular belief. It's through a completely different part of his anatomy, that has nothing to do with digestion.
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Old 08-06-2019, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I just want to say, that the belief that men don't bond through sex in the same way is a crock. Some do, some don't, just like some women do, others don't. We've had a few posts from men on this forum about how they fell for their FWB, but their feelings weren't reciprocated.

It's a human thing, not a gendered phenom. Note: the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, contrary to popular belief. It's through a completely different part of his anatomy.
I mean... I'm sure you can get to a man's heart through his stomach, but that sounds like a really messy process involving a lot of blood and screaming.

Casual sex is one thing. Casual surgery quite another.
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Old 08-06-2019, 11:15 AM
 
2,145 posts, read 587,518 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Given what she wants out of life, yes. They do.

She wants to be able to buy herself a fast motorcycle if she wants. Go on rafting/fishing trips in Montana with a group of people who paid to be there, no boyfriend to chaperone required. She wants to travel on a whim anywhere in the world. She wants to train her dog for search and rescue. Go shoot high powered rifles with a male friend who happens to be good enough to teach her. Turn around the next day and visit another male friend who lets her drive his Lamborghini. She once went and lived in Australia for a year without really even telling anybody where she was going. She wants to decide she is bored tonight and feels like dressing up and going drinking with her friends, or going to a BDSM party if she wants.

Though, I do balk at why she would want to go on a group trip without a her man though. What's her beef with going traveling without him? Not sure why you use hyperbolic terms like "chaperone". Are you talking 100% of the time, 50% of the time NO percent of the time that she'd want him on her trips? If he's a rugged outdoorsman, I'm sure he'd like to come along....eventually.


Quote:
Now obviously, it's not gonna work out between her and any guy whose life ambition is a nice little wifey who will pick up his socks and wait on him and never talk to other men, and maybe give him some babies and whatever. She is too high-speed for me (I actually considered dating her myself for a little while there) and she's too high-speed for most people.

To be honest, I'm sure she'll be able to find a guy with an equivalent lifestyle. And I AM sure that she'll have no problem finding a guy that's fine with pickin' up his own darned socks or leaving them where they are without anyone around nagging him about it. lol There's tons of adventurous men out there, I know. So what is her problem in finding them?

Quote:
So what's gonna work best for her, for a while, is casual relationships. Because she wants to get laid without becoming a homebody. Don't see why not!
I'm sure she has no problem finding some foreign D wherever she travels. ;-)

This seems to be hot button topic, dividing people with those who enjoy casual sex without the strings, vs. playing with fire and being okay with having their genitalia slung around.
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Old 08-06-2019, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Though, I do balk at why she would want to go on a group trip without a her man though. What's her beef with going traveling without him? Not sure why you use hyperbolic terms like "chaperone". Are you talking 100% of the time, 50% of the time NO percent of the time that she'd want him on her trips? If he's a rugged outdoorsman, I'm sure he'd like to come along....eventually.





To be honest, I'm sure she'll be able to find a guy with an equivalent lifestyle. And I AM sure that she'll have no problem finding a guy that's fine with pickin' up his own darned socks or leaving them where they are without anyone around nagging him about it. lol There's tons of adventurous men out there, I know. So what is her problem in finding them?



I'm sure she has no problem finding some foreign D wherever she travels. ;-)

This seems to be hot button topic, dividing people with those who enjoy casual sex without the strings, vs. playing with fire and being okay with having their genitalia slung around.
You are not getting it.

Say she'd given in and become the girlfriend of one of the guys she'd met in the last several months. Because she is gorgeous, smart, makes good $$ and is into lots of things that men like (motorcycles, outdoors stuff, guns, dogs, fast cars, cigars, fancy scotch & whiskey, etc) these guys have 1. A drive to lock in commitment before a competing man can, and 2. Restrict her contact with other competing men who would (duh) want to "steal" her.

So she plans some rafting and fishing trip, and boyfriend can't afford to go along or can't get time off work, rather than being cool with her going, he's losing his mind because...because...there will be MEN there! And any one of them might GIT HER when he isn't there to stop them! And oh good lord, no cell phone reception in the middle of nowhere? How will he make sure she gets his texts every other hour, she might forget he exists??? Horrors.

No boyfriend? No worries. She goes on her trip, has a wonderful time, zero fighting, zero anxiety. Well. She did accidentally drop her expensive iPhone in the river, but...y'know, stuff happens.

It isn't hyperbole because it's absolutely how men act with her. I've seen it happen again and again.

One guy she met for a first date made a fool of himself (I was there, it was a group outing at a bar) and the next day he was texting offering to buy her tons of expensive gifts if she'd just please see him again. Another guy she knew for one week, booked a sunrise hot air balloon ride (About $300) for her birthday, despite her INSISTING that she did not want to become his girlfriend, not then and not ever. She doesn't ask for any of this, men act crazy around her.

And the minute she lets one get up into her life, he's trying to tell her what she can and cannot do. Especially to try and keep her away from other men. Because a lot of guys pretty much believe, that if their woman is beautiful, the only way to keep her faithful is to keep her away from other guys. Seeing as how "other guys" make up half of the population outside of one's front door, avoiding them like plague does somewhat limit one's options in living one's life.
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Old 08-06-2019, 11:42 AM
 
7,737 posts, read 3,032,095 times
Reputation: 12725
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
So what's gonna work best for her, for a while, is casual relationships. Because she wants to get laid without becoming a homebody. Don't see why not!
And without being responsible anotherís hurt feelings and bitter backlash...I could finish her sentences.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
And without being responsible anotherís hurt feelings and bitter backlash...I could finish her sentences.
Yep.

I mean, she is not 100% averse to having a serious relationship, even a family....eventually. It's just that she is not down to give up the things she wants to do between now and then. I'm sure if she met a guy who was really, truly, cool with her as she is, as WHO she is, and who really appealed to her...she'd probably be willing to change her mind and be his girl. But he'd have to really be something. And more significantly he'd have to treat her with a heck of a lot more trust and respect (including respect for her space, freedom, and boundaries) than anyone she's been with so far.

Among regular, vanilla/monogamous type guys in the regular dating scene? I just don't see it happening.

And it makes me more than a bit sad, that simply wanting someone to respect that you are as much an autonomous person as they are and both of you have an equal right to your lives, which can come together from time to time, but then also stand independently...that's this wildly radical concept to most people.
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Old 08-06-2019, 12:17 PM
 
6,380 posts, read 6,142,335 times
Reputation: 3645
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
This points to another thing that I need to say, that is important here.

OK so I'm more experienced than the average person. I've had a significant number of intimate partners in my lifetime. Not ashamed of this, nor bragging, just stating it because it means I've got a data set to work with that not everyone has.

The idea that women are the ones who always catch the feelings, and men are the ones who can engage in casual sex with complete detachment, and all that...is foolish. It is based only on cultural norms surrounding males as the pursuers of sex and women the gatekeepers of it. We've all grown up seeing it saturating our media, the stories we are told, and we've bought the lie.

It's a lie, because men ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY have just as wide a natural emotional range as women, and they are not more in control of their emotions (women just have more cultural "permission" to admit and engage emotionally than men do.)

Anyone can "catch feelings." Or fail to do so! The number of times that a male sex partner of mine caught the feels and followed me around like a puppy is far higher than the number of times that I caught the feels and got left behind by some smooth player. It's about twice as high, actually. And there have been times I've been with a guy, and there was nothing WRONG with him...on paper there was every reason that I should be totally into him...yet I just was not feeling it. The spark, the magic, the desire. The one time I tried to settle in and make it work anyways, was a DISASTER...it was my 18 years of hell marriage...I never did develop the feelings I thought I "should" have for him. And while it was delayed all those years, eventually he came to know the truth and it broke his heart.

Sometimes a person just isn't feelin' it.

But yeah it's definitely not always guys looking for casual sex, and definitely not always women who fall in love. LOTS of men are looking for meaningful relationships.
I've said it for a while. I am glad a woman agrees with me.
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:33 PM
 
2,145 posts, read 587,518 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
You are not getting it.

Say she'd given in and become the girlfriend of one of the guys she'd met in the last several months. Because she is gorgeous, smart, makes good $$ and is into lots of things that men like (motorcycles, outdoors stuff, guns, dogs, fast cars, cigars, fancy scotch & whiskey, etc) these guys have 1. A drive to lock in commitment before a competing man can, and 2. Restrict her contact with other competing men who would (duh) want to "steal" her.

So she plans some rafting and fishing trip, and boyfriend can't afford to go along or can't get time off work, rather than being cool with her going, he's losing his mind because...because...there will be MEN there! And any one of them might GIT HER when he isn't there to stop them! .
Pure speculation, there's no way you can know that "other men might snatch her up wherever she goes alone". You're assuming this will happen with any man she encounters. I have known men to be cool with their women doing stuff alone on occasion for the purpose of how typical couples do this for their own space. It's not uncommon, so I don't know where you're getting this idea from.

And if it's a history she has with these men, then maybe something is going on with her if it's repeatedly happening. Sounds cliche'd but she's likely "attracting the wrong kind of men".
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:38 PM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,050,793 times
Reputation: 16402
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Pure speculation, there's no way you can know that "other men might snatch her up wherever she goes alone". You're assuming this will happen with any man she encounters.
No. She is saying that the men in this woman's life have demonstrated that they fear this, and attempt to exercise control over her. Having experienced the same thing, I can vouch for this very common situation.

Quote:
I have known men to be cool with their women doing stuff alone on occasion for the purpose of how typical couples do this for their own space. It's not uncommon, so I don't know where you're getting this idea from.

And if it's a history she has with these men, then maybe something is going on with her if it's repeatedly happening. Sounds cliche'd but she's likely "attracting the wrong kind of men".
Attracting the wrong kind of man? Dude.
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Old 08-06-2019, 01:51 PM
 
2,145 posts, read 587,518 times
Reputation: 1408
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
No. She is saying that the men in this woman's life have demonstrated that they fear this, and attempt to exercise control over her. Having experienced the same thing, I can vouch for this very common situation.



Attracting the wrong kind of man? Dude.
Well, the common theme with dating and relationship threads seems to fall under 'the common denominator is you" or Sonic's friend in this case. It's a repeated pattern and she may be doing something wrong in attracting these kinds of guys.
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