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Old 08-12-2019, 02:09 PM
 
8,698 posts, read 3,438,504 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Some of us have 2 points of view that are often difficult to express and sound really judgy even though that is not the intent.

- Monogamy is the default, right, best thing. And oh how we tut thee in our wise open mindedness about your little exploration with polyamory. Cuz it's so cute. But you will be back from the fold of even when you get your mind right. This is wholesale ignoring the people who view poly as things it is not, like an excuse to f everything in sight, all about the f'ing. Nothing but the f'ing. And evil to boot.

Meh I got bored typing out the second.


And some are. And some are not.


I suspect Sonic shares my view that monogamy be default was not referring to any given person. But that monogamy IS default for humans by nature, nurture or by virtue of being Most RIght and BEST. That is the PoV, that I object to.
So do I, nothing really registers in my mind as far as opinion when one describes what they “are”, they just are. If they want to tell me what I am or what “people like me believe” I should exit, as it’s too confounding to express my distaste in that judging type of slurry that follows.
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:16 PM
 
14,330 posts, read 10,648,052 times
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Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
So do I, nothing really registers in my mind as far as opinion when one describes what they “are”, they just are.
Well I guess I would not find you as open minded as you claim to be then. Some people, particularly those in consistently marginalized groups, find that who they are is important to them. Some people, not myself, including poly as a worldview as part of their identity. Like being themselves requires that way of looking at things.

Quote:
If they want to tell me what I am or what “people like me believe” I should exit, as it’s too confounding to express my distaste in that judging type of slurry that follows.
Interestingly, I did not find her "slurry" to be judgmental. I wonder if it is because you see a slurry rather than well written paragraphs as I did. Or maybe you are feeling defensive about the limits of your open mindedness and judged simply for being mono yourself? Like projecting?
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:27 PM
 
23,862 posts, read 18,048,428 times
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Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Right...I remember a discussion on terrestrial radio where they were talking about how it would be a fantasy to do so-and-so, but when in reality...it just isn't as appealing as you would think or would go the way you would think.

The IDEA of it may sound appealing, but if it it got real...then you'd probably turn tail.
We saw a funny movie about this, and for the life of me I can't remember the title right now but it's fairly recent (I had never heard of it previously though and no one really famous is in it). It's about 4 couples who are friends who go on a weekend trip together and they decide to swap partners while there. It is exactly like you state, when it comes right down to it, no one really wants to do it, no one knows how to start it, it is awkward and uncomfortable for all, and the one man who gets the younger, prettier girl falls in love with her after one night of sex and almost blows his whole marriage up.
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:32 PM
 
14,330 posts, read 10,648,052 times
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Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
We saw a funny movie about this, and for the life of me I can't remember the title right now but it's fairly recent (I had never heard of it previously though and no one really famous is in it). It's about 4 couples who are friends who go on a weekend trip together and they decide to swap partners while there. It is exactly like you state, when it comes right down to it, no one really wants to do it, no one knows how to start it, it is awkward and uncomfortable for all, and the one man who gets the younger, prettier girl falls in love with her after one night of sex and almost blows his whole marriage up.
Yah. Sex Monster bore no relationship to reality either. Good movie though.
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:33 PM
 
8,698 posts, read 3,438,504 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Well I guess I would not find you as open minded as you claim to be then. Some people, particularly those in consistently marginalized groups, find that who they are is important to them. Some people, not myself, including poly as a worldview as part of their identity. Like being themselves requires that way of looking at things.



Interestingly, I did not find her "slurry" to be judgmental. I wonder if it is because you see a slurry rather than well written paragraphs as I did. Or maybe you are feeling defensive about the limits of your open mindedness and judged simply for being mono yourself? Like projecting?
Did I post somewhere that I’m “mono”? If I notice judgy-ness, it’s not because my own views are being disected. I’d ask where you deem my post as closed minded? I think I’ve defended both views as being not up for pigeonholing.

Also, when I typed slurry I was picturing whatever comes after words that are judging IMO, I wasn’t even picturing Sonic’s post in particular. I don’t know why you find this sudden need to defend her in particular though, she does fine on her own.
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:36 PM
 
14,330 posts, read 10,648,052 times
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Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Did I post somewhere that I’m “mono”?
My bad. I thought you had.

Quote:
If I notice judgy-ness, it’s not because my own views are being dusected. I’d ask where you deem my post as closed minded? I think I’ve defended both views as being not up for pigeonholing.
I think you said I don't see anything past...
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Old 08-12-2019, 02:39 PM
 
8,698 posts, read 3,438,504 times
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Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
My bad. I thought you had.



I think you said I don't see anything past...
I’ve edited my post.
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Old 08-12-2019, 04:00 PM
 
Location: (six-cent-dix-sept)
5,115 posts, read 2,600,192 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Right...I remember a discussion on terrestrial radio where they were talking about how it would be a fantasy to do so-and-so, but when in reality...it just isn't as appealing as you would think or would go the way you would think.

The IDEA of it may sound appealing, but if it it got real...then you'd probably turn tail.
2 birthday gifts, 2 valentines presents, 2 mothers day cards, 2 christmas gifts, 2 vacations to plan, ... it adds up.
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Old 08-12-2019, 05:20 PM
 
3,557 posts, read 1,903,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
We saw a funny movie about this, and for the life of me I can't remember the title right now but it's fairly recent (I had never heard of it previously though and no one really famous is in it). It's about 4 couples who are friends who go on a weekend trip together and they decide to swap partners while there. It is exactly like you state, when it comes right down to it, no one really wants to do it, no one knows how to start it, it is awkward and uncomfortable for all, and the one man who gets the younger, prettier girl falls in love with her after one night of sex and almost blows his whole marriage up.

LOL of course he did!


Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Casual is not the defining characteristic of most polyamorous relationships.

Agreed, which was the point of my post. It was a response to the notion of "trying poly" to avoid catching feels.
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Old 08-12-2019, 05:25 PM
 
Location: UK
1,175 posts, read 302,135 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post

I used to think that what you're calling the "pow/whoosh"...you either felt it or you didn't, really soon. That had been my experience. Until the man I am with now. I felt curiosity, I felt ongoing levels of interest, sure. But I did not feel pow, whoosh, bonfire, lusty loving feels for him until we'd been having sex for about 5-6 months or so. What was good about the way we started (largely because I was poly, it took the pressure off) is that I did not have to be committed to him when I was not sure. I don't have a desire to commit to someone that I'm never going to love.

If anything that's one of the differences between the more limited monogamous viewpoint and the poly one, is that "casual" to a monogamous person can mean "no feelings allowed, run away if any should start to appear!" and poly people might be more open to just seeing where something goes.

So the issue I see with the whole waiting to have sex thing, with more typical monogamous dudes, is being pressured by a man who needs to know if this is going somewhere. Seems that even if a guy can accept you don't want to jump into bed, he wants to jump into exclusivity and commitments and over-the-top promises that it's premature (in my opinion) to be making. They're all like, "I want a guarantee I'm not wasting my time!" Oh, your precious time. The hell else would you be doing with it, watching Seinfeld?
I think the other reason I'm drawn to poly is because I experience relationship anxiety a lot. When I meet someone who seems nice and is into me, I can worry from the start that maybe I don't like them enough, maybe I'm leading them on, is this the person I want to be with forever etc. I have those thoughts about lots of the people I've dated no matter who it is and how much I like them. Through therapy I've learned that it's just part of my attachment style and to go with it.

But I also dated someone who I slept with early in the relationship, he told me he wanted to get serious with a view to us getting married later, I decided I didn't want to for various reasons, one of which was a lot of sexual incompatibility, pretty much incompatible on that level, in every way 2 people can be. He was disappointed and said, "why did you sleep with me if it wasn't serious for you?"

I think poly would take the pressure off and allow one to get to know someone without always thinking "is he the one?" and perhaps the other person would be more open to that, too. But it could trigger the other part of anxious attachment which is about worrying that someone doesn't like you enough.

Fun times. Lol.

Last edited by Carly1983; 08-12-2019 at 06:28 PM..
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