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Old 08-06-2019, 10:22 PM
 
842 posts, read 208,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Note: the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, contrary to popular belief. It's through a completely different part of his anatomy, that has nothing to do with digestion.

Ribcage?
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Old 08-07-2019, 01:40 AM
 
4,974 posts, read 1,527,811 times
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Throughout this thread people have used "FWB" (friends with benefits) incorrectly. The person that the OP said she was having casual sex with was not her friend. It was a stranger that was passing through town.

An FWB is an actual friend that you have sex with.

An FB (F buddy) is not a friend but rather an acquaintance that you have sex with. Just sex; nothing else; nothing more.

Based on what the OP described, I wouldn't call that person a FB either. I'd say this was a short lived relationship. The OP knew he wasn't going to be in town long, and she has referred to it as casual sex, but I don't think that's the correct wording either.

The OP was cooking dinner for him. That was a date. They were dating. It's being described as casual sex now because he abruptly left town without even saying goodbye, but it doesn't sound like it was intended to be casual at the time. And I'm guessing that's why the OP was sad for weeks after, not because a bond was formed after having sex due to oxytocin.

OP, to me, casual sex is a FB situation or a one night stand. You went into this knowing it would be short lived, but I am not getting the impression you viewed this as casual and later caught feelings.
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Old 08-07-2019, 06:23 AM
 
7,737 posts, read 3,032,095 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
Throughout this thread people have used "FWB" (friends with benefits) incorrectly.The person that the OP said she was having casual sex with was not her friend. It was a stranger that was passing through town.

An FWB is an actual friend that you have sex with.

An FB (F buddy) is not a friend but rather an acquaintance that you have sex with. Just sex; nothing else; nothing more.

Based on what the OP described, I wouldn't call that person a FB either. I'd say this was a short lived relationship. The OP knew he wasn't going to be in town long, and she has referred to it as casual sex, but I don't think that's the correct wording either.

The OP was cooking dinner for him. That was a date. They were dating. It's being described as casual sex now because he abruptly left town without even saying goodbye, but it doesn't sound like it was intended to be casual at the time. And I'm guessing that's why the OP was sad for weeks after, not because a bond was formed after having sex due to oxytocin.

OP, to me, casual sex is a FB situation or a one night stand. You went into this knowing it would be short lived, but I am not getting the impression you viewed this as casual and later caught feelings.
This is exactly what I was talking about. My opinion is Casual Sex is sex that which is without commitment. That’s why I can consider FWB casual sex. There’s no commitment. Not monogamous. Sounds pretty casual to me... The people don’t necessarily see each other on a scheduled basis. Yes, they really are friends.

I don’t have friends with commitments, either. I’m not insisting to a friend I have to see you every other Tuesday until the year 2025.

You can have casual sex, you can call it friends with benefits, you can have one night stands, you can have a whatever-you-want and call it whatever you want —doesn’t bother me.

I don’t get the need to “correct other people” and interpret for them what the margins are, and what their relationship should be defined as. None of their pairings should go according to my guidelines.

If one has no idea what any of this means, they may find descriptions in a dictionary, urban dictionary or wherever else parameters are laid out— that doesn’t mean it’s universally excepted. Just pretty much definitions out there for people who don’t have a clue and want to know what others are talking about. The need to put labels on other people’s relationships is crazy, and that’s not what happens in real life.

Nobody around me mentions a friend’s name in conversation where I interrupt with: “Wait a minute, this isn’t an FB, it’s an FWB! Yes you’re friends, but no....wait, I’ve decided you’re not friends... and you call that kind of sex a benefit? That ain’t no benefit, that ain’t no friend. You better quit calling it that!”

It’s between the 2 or 10 involved to call “it” anything at all.
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Old 08-07-2019, 08:22 AM
 
388 posts, read 98,915 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Thanks all for the interesting replies. I'm still very envious of all you who can do this.

I wonder if whether a person can have casual sex or not, depends on their attachment style?

I have anxious-ambivalent attachment, I tend to fall in love very fast and can get attached so quickly if sex comes into the equation.

When I was in my late teens I read the book 'the Ethical Sl*t' about polyamory by Dossie Easton and I envisioned a love/sex life for myself that was unconventional and sort of scandalous (probably to **** off my parents and grandparents). I thought I was going to be into polyamorous relationships (and I've actually been in one but it was too painful.)

Now I find myself in my mid 30s, with a sex drive that would put some young men in their 20s to shame, and I get offered sex all the time on dating apps but unfortunately what happens when I engage in it (1) it causes me a lot of emotional pain as I find I am into someone who is not into me (this has happened a lot) or (2) the other person is also into me and we get into a relationship but it becomes clear that we're unsuited, or even that the person is abusive (this happened in my last relationship), there's a break up and it's painful.

It would be great if I could switch off this part of myself that gets attached but I don't believe I can because what I want is someone who adores me and finds meaning in our sex life and I want to make sure we're compatible, plus if I like someone enough to have sex with them, I like them enough to want to date them.

So I'm planning to take my time to get to know someone, take a long time to have sex, I want to be clear headed and not catch feelings before I've established that there's some level of compatibility.

I also think casual sex might go against my personality in that I am someone who sees sex as something very meaningful and almost a bit sacred. I seek meaning in everything (quite a spiritual person too) so having casual sex and not even bothering to say bye afterward or acknowledge it seems wrong.

And I also think some men are downright rude and disrespectful, like the guy I dated casually (who I referred to in my original post) who sent me a text on what was to be our final meeting (as he was soon to move out of the area) and just said "I'm not coming". No acknowledgment of what we had shared together and no goodbye. It seemed like the opposite of what I am seeking. It's like, I open myself up to you in an intimate way, and you can't even be bothered to show basic manners and respect. So that's another reason I won't do it anymore. I wonder if some men think, "well she put out easily, she's a **** so I won't even bother being respectful."

And then two of the one-night stands I had recently, it turns out both had girlfriends and one didn't tell me until afterwards and one didn't tell me at all...I only found out shortly afterwards because I met his girlfriend (who was a friend of a friend) which was a bit traumatic.

So it just seems like a minefield, too, because of the behaviour of these men who engage in casual sex.

Unfortunately I think there is some wisdom (at least for me personally) in my very religious grandmother's advice to me to "respect myself" (ugh, her words, not mine) and guard my feelings and it's taken me 20 years to heed it. But I do feel like I'd rather be having a different love life than the one I'm having right now. It just seems a lot more sensible & less exciting than I ever envisioned

Casual sex is not for you. You need to be in a long term relationship. With a man who loves and adores you. That is what you are really looking for. And with a person you love and adore back.

How can that happen? Where is this man? The man who cares for you?

Your grandmother was right. Slow down and date men with long term relationship goals. This means making that a requirement to even bother with a man, which you didn't do. Sure, there are few men like this around. Most want casual sex. But the long term guys are out there. Get picky!

Women decide if, when, and how there will be a relationship. If you just want sex, then you are not forming a relationship, are you? Unless you just get lucky and the causal sex guy happens to fall deep in love with you.

How to form a long term relationship? What does a loving, romantic, meaningful relationship look like? This might help. I often refer to this scale of friendship:


5 Intimate Friends
Committed to each others personal well being and happiness
Mutual life goals and work together to achieve goals
Can share deepest feelings with each other
Full trust in each other (earned over time)

4. Close Friends (Few get this far)
Mutual interests
Mind and Spirit connection
Share compatible values, interests and activities
Spend qaulity time together
Honest and dependable
Known each other over a long time
Feel safe to share deeper emotions

3. Casual Friends
Have a connection from same neighborhood, school, church, or activity
Not serious emotionally

2. Acquaintance
Occassional contact with very general knowledge
Talk about general knowledge

1. Stranger
never met before

Notice romance is not listed under any level of friendship. That is because you can have sex or not at any level. A person can have sex with a stranger, but not with an intimate friend!

#4 Close Friends is something few people get to. Each level gets more personally rewarding (life becomes more meaningful) yet takes more effort.

Your romantic connections are at #3, and thus not very meaningful. Or you start to desire something more meaningful and rewarding, next level 4. It's RISKY to have romance at level 3 and hope you can get to next level 4. Good luck with that and it will take a lot of effort and already having sex can make it more difficult going up the scale. Although some couples do start out romantically at #2 and go all the way to #5. This takes both sides fully committed to making a relationship as rewarding as possible. And sex becomes a meaningful celebration.

What's the possibility of going from 1 to 5 from someone you meet online? It can happen, rarely. If that person has shared interests it's a good start. The key is sharing time and interests together in a meaningful way- sharing life together.

Here's where women get tripped up. Romance is the man's department. It's his job to make romance happen. But who is suppose to lead the relationship up the scale? And do all those things that make that happen? Not just the romance? Who's job is that? Answer- the man! A woman will be attracted to a man and his romantic advances, and think the relationship is moving up the scale when actually it's not at all. OTHER things besides romance must happen to move up the scale, and it's the man's job to promote the other things. You will find, and already have, that few men will do so. They want the romance, but not advance the other things. The woman thinks romance is advancing the relationship and is tripped up.

Grandma was right. Slow down, find a man that's not only interested in romance but growing a relationship up the full scale of friendship. (without expecting it from the other, it's to happen organically) Call it Super Friendship. And don't let romance get in the way, but be the reward.

Last edited by james112; 08-07-2019 at 08:40 AM..
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Old 08-07-2019, 08:39 AM
 
1,167 posts, read 257,294 times
Reputation: 2326
Emotional pitfalls of casual sex for women

What's worse: Casual Sex or No Sex?
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Old 08-07-2019, 08:41 AM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,050,793 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
Emotional pitfalls of casual sex for women

What's worse: Casual Sex or No Sex?
What's worse: molding yourself to societal expectations or being yourself? The former question does not compute. The more operative question for many of us is what is better or best for us.
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Old 08-07-2019, 08:53 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,112 posts, read 7,437,635 times
Reputation: 21768
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
Stop viewing any human with a penis as a potential sex partner.

There, problem solved in one sentence. If you feel it necessary, go and read the other five pages long of encyclopedic posts
I've never in my life met any woman who did this. Not even sex workers--pro Dommes, prostitutes, and porn stars, and I've met a few of those. Even a very sketchy addict/thief prostitute that my ex tried to get to sleep with him (and offered money to do so) said HELL NO to that. Even she had a standard, drawn somewhere, when it came to men she would have sex with.

The notion that women who are willing to have casual sex (whether that is a ONS, NSA, FB or FWB, poly, swinging or short term relationship, whatever it looks like for them) means that they'll have sex with any guy, or have no standards, is a stupid idea that needs to die in a fire. It's the same concept that has rape victims in trials getting quizzed over whether owning lacy underwear means that there's no way they could be raped, since they like sex and therefore would never say no to anyone with a penis. Every human being has a right to say yes or no to sex, and no one says yes to anyone/everyone/anytime. No one.

OP, I am seeing a bit more of where you're coming from since you said that you've read The Ethical S.-word book. You might know people, or hear people like me talk about uncommitted sex in these shameless and libertine ways, and while some part of you thinks it's...cool?...for lack of a better word?...that women can be so free, you have not had good experiences and have come to the conclusion that this doesn't work for you. Have you seen any of my posts about that one news article that circulated around a few years ago? It was titled, "Is Polyamory the future of relationships?" or something very similar to that. When I first saw it, I was poly myself and even then I thought it was mega stupid. It's just a click-baity way to fearmonger to the traditionalists that those weirdos are coming and they're gonna get you. As any sensible human being knows, the gays aren't out to turn everyone gay, the non-monogamists are not out to turn everyone poly, the entire point with any of these groups is just to be accepted without judgment, as one of many ways that a human being can live their life. So you prefer to take your time and form a commitment, that's cool! You do that! Congratulations on the self awareness, and best wishes on your journey to happiness!

As I imagine you know perfectly well, the path you are now saying you want to walk, is not without challenges of its own. Any path has obstacles to be overcome, but we all get to decide which obstacles we find unacceptable to deal with, and which we think we can handle. As long as people are being ethical...no lying, no using, practicing good sexual safety and health practices...I don't think that one way is objectively better or worse. I can see valid reasons to choose any of the paths that exist. There is no one true way.
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Old 08-07-2019, 09:18 AM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,050,793 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
The notion that women who are willing to have casual sex (whether that is a ONS, NSA, FB or FWB, poly, swinging or short term relationship, whatever it looks like for them) means that they'll have sex with any guy, or have no standards, is a stupid idea that needs to die in a fire. It's the same concept that has rape victims in trials getting quizzed over whether owning lacy underwear means that there's no way they could be raped, since they like sex and therefore would never say no to anyone with a penis. .
And again. Sonic wins.
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Old 08-07-2019, 09:20 AM
 
12,789 posts, read 10,050,793 times
Reputation: 16402
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
OP, I am seeing a bit more of where you're coming from since you said that you've read The Ethical S.-word book. You might know people, or hear people like me talk about uncommitted sex in these shameless and libertine ways, and while some part of you thinks it's...cool?...for lack of a better word?...that women can be so free, you have not had good experiences and have come to the conclusion that this doesn't work for you. Have you seen any of my posts about that one news article that circulated around a few years ago? It was titled, "Is Polyamory the future of relationships?" or something very similar to that. When I first saw it, I was poly myself and even then I thought it was mega stupid. It's just a click-baity way to fearmonger to the traditionalists that those weirdos are coming and they're gonna get you. As any sensible human being knows, the gays aren't out to turn everyone gay, the non-monogamists are not out to turn everyone poly, the entire point with any of these groups is just to be accepted without judgment, as one of many ways that a human being can live their life. So you prefer to take your time and form a commitment, that's cool! You do that! Congratulations on the self awareness, and best wishes on your journey to happiness!
And should have included this in the Yes! comment.
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Old 08-07-2019, 09:38 AM
 
808 posts, read 460,632 times
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I would say that many men are the same way, even though i dont have a nifty article to link.

I've also known a lot of guys that take far longer to recover from breakup than their female counterparts who rebounded a lot quicker. but a lot of guys dont show it outwardly, so unless you're a close friend, you probably would have no idea. Some guys take years.
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