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Old Yesterday, 08:24 AM
 
1,468 posts, read 606,477 times
Reputation: 1760

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I think many of you might know the story of one of my best friend's and I that fell in love but there was back and forth, mostly on his end. Some background on him, he was severely emotionally abused by his father, and was never shown love from his parents. While he has tremendous walls up, deep inside he is one of the kindest and most beautiful people I have ever met. But his fear of abandonment and vulnerability never allowed him to trust people and he always kept his walls up. Because of that people also would reject him and he could never trust them. He was always waiting for the next person in his life to abandon him as so many had done.

It was close to four years ago that we met. The first year we were strictly friends, and got very close. We had a wonderful bond and relationship that made me realize I was in love with him. I revealed my feelings which he revealed his (though neither used the word love) and we dated for a month. After a month his fear of me abandoning him took center stage and he called it off, scared that I would one day leave him. He was terrified to meet my family and friends (refusing to) in fear that they would not like him and I would take their side. I told him that I understood and that if he ever wanted to touch on the subject again we could talk, but that I would carry on with my life but that he shouldn't be afraid, and that I would still be in his life as friend and someone he could trust. That I would always be there for him.

Since then, he started going to therapy every week to overcome those fears and those challenges. During that time I continued to live my life going on dates with others, but at the same time I was there every step of the way with him, giving him words of encouragement and trying to support him best I could. Even though I wanted more with him and I love him, I didn't want to push or pressure him, as I knew this was a battle he was fighting and one that could only be fought in his own. During that time we really started to work on how we communicated with each other, and I taught him when there is conflict (which we experienced) it doesn't have to be a "you vs. me" type of deal. That it should be more about us putting are best foot forward with each other because we care for each other, not because we are trying to one up each other.

Even though I went on several dates with others, no one ever connected like him and I do, and I think he felt the same way. In a way it feels like we are soulmates. But again, because I love and respect him I gave him his space and his time to figure it out and work on his problems. I think me living my own life by meeting others showed him too, that if he wants something he needs to do something. Which one day he finally allowed himself to be loved, and it's been amazing since.

Fast forward to the present, and it's been a few months now, but now we have an absolute beautiful romantic relationship. He has met some of my family which they all loved him and he loved them too. My friends love him as well and are happy, and our relationship has gone beyond a friendship now. Its a deep relationship and I think we realize how happy we make each other and the connection we have cannot be taken for granted. I don't think I have ever seen him so happy, secure and comfortable since I have met him.

In a way, my heart always told me to be patient and give him a chance. Because I could see he wanted it, I knew he did, he just didn't know how to go about it. But now that he found his way, and has brought those walls down, it's truly been one of the most beautiful relationships I have ever had, romantic or not. To see him grow and realize his own inner beauty and for him to learn how to love and be loved. Who knows if it will last forever, I hope it does, but in the end I think it's worth it because you don't get opportunities likes these every day.
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Old Yesterday, 10:17 PM
 
787 posts, read 201,994 times
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That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
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Old Today, 09:25 AM
 
1,468 posts, read 606,477 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks. For me, I think what kept me holding on to hope with him is that I saw he was trying. He was really trying, and I think when you see someone do that, you should give them a chance. Many times I thought to myself how bad I would have felt that he was trying, trying and trying, to improve, and that I would just give up on him like everyone else did in the past. It would have sent him the message of "Yup, you are worthless no one will want you."

Be it romantic or not, this has taught me that we should all be more empathetic to others. As long as they aren't malicious or have ill will, learning about people and their struggles and trying to be understanding or supportive in some capacity to them, can make a world of a difference to them. He has taught me a lesson, that I know carry with people that I interact with every day. We all have bruises and scars in the past, so if someone seems a little weird, shy or insecure, I feel it's better to be understanding of where they come from rather than judge or shun them. Of course as long as you maintain your mental health and boundaries are respected. But I think we should all show each other a little more love nowadays.
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Old Today, 11:56 AM
 
107 posts, read 81,273 times
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This is beautiful. I am in a very similar boat and the hardest thing is being patient and giving my partner space to work through his issues. I completely agree that sometimes it is worth it to be patient and give someone a chance. I adore him and wouldnt trade what we have for anything even if our courtship isn't smooth sailing.
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Old Today, 12:27 PM
 
1,468 posts, read 606,477 times
Reputation: 1760
Quote:
Originally Posted by brooklynpad View Post
This is beautiful. I am in a very similar boat and the hardest thing is being patient and giving my partner space to work through his issues. I completely agree that sometimes it is worth it to be patient and give someone a chance. I adore him and wouldnt trade what we have for anything even if our courtship isn't smooth sailing.
Agreed. TBH even if it doesn't work out, and this fizzles in a month, God forbid, I wouldn't regret it because we were BOTH able to learn so much about ourselves, and grow.
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Old Today, 01:08 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,159 posts, read 12,961,665 times
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Congratulations for sticking it out!

In this disposable #mefirst society it is nice to see that some people put in patience and effort to make it work.
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Old Today, 09:45 PM
 
787 posts, read 201,994 times
Reputation: 1049
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
Thanks. For me, I think what kept me holding on to hope with him is that I saw he was trying. He was really trying, and I think when you see someone do that, you should give them a chance. Many times I thought to myself how bad I would have felt that he was trying, trying and trying, to improve, and that I would just give up on him like everyone else did in the past. It would have sent him the message of "Yup, you are worthless no one will want you."

Be it romantic or not, this has taught me that we should all be more empathetic to others. As long as they aren't malicious or have ill will, learning about people and their struggles and trying to be understanding or supportive in some capacity to them, can make a world of a difference to them. He has taught me a lesson, that I know carry with people that I interact with every day. We all have bruises and scars in the past, so if someone seems a little weird, shy or insecure, I feel it's better to be understanding of where they come from rather than judge or shun them. Of course as long as you maintain your mental health and boundaries are respected. But I think we should all show each other a little more love nowadays.

I think it's probably positive that you stuck by him and believed in him. And it's terrific that he took strides to improve. But. Be careful that neither of you let that lead to you being seen as being responsible for his mental state. He is the only one who is responsible for his mental state. If something should happen and he slips on his progress, it is not your fault. You need to know and believe that, and so does he.
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