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Old Yesterday, 02:26 PM
 
2 posts
Reputation: 10

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Right now this is my biggest heartbreak because it's an 'almost relationship'. After being friends for a long time, dating on and off over a year, I finally realized I will never have him (we're both 31 FYI). He's extremely immature, jaded, doesn't trust people and scared of getting hurt. It's been an up and down and we've been through so much, even in that short time of a year and a half. He was never mine, we we were never official (even tho we weren't sleeping with other people and spending most nights together). He doesn't do girlfriends, as he says. To the outside, he seems like this extremely funny, confident, outgoing guy, but I know him better than that. He's pretty broken inside, and I thought I could save him. Rookie mistake. Of course I couldnt. So last week when I finally realized that him and I will never, never be official and that I can't keep going through the same heartbreak over and over again, I accepted a job offer that I got a few weeks ago. On the other side of the world. Over 24 flight hours away. I'm leaving in six weeks.



And why I'm crying now is that I told him that today, on the phone. I messaged him, telling him I wanna meet (we have been avoiding each other a little for the past two weeks), and he said he doesn't want to, he doesn't feel like being alone with me now because he's extremely afraid that I will say things that will hurt him, he's afraid of losing me and whatever else, so he said let's meet within the group tomorrow with our mutual friends. I reluctantly agreed, but then I just couldn't help myself. I called him and told him that I wanted to talk to him in private because I wanted to tell him that I'm leaving the country to move to the other side of the world. He was completely baffled. He asked a few questions, then he started crying. He then said he cannot listen to this anymore and that he'll see me tomorrow with the group. I told him that from now on, we should probably just pretend that we're just normal friends that see each other once in a while. We hung up.



WHY does this hurt so freaking much?? I feel like this is even worse than the breakup with my cheating ex-fiance. I'm thinking about everything that could have been, everything that we experienced together, imagining all the things that will never be. I'm gonna leave and either never see him again, or see him once a year when I'm back here to visit friends. It's so damn heartbreaking that he rather loses me completely than getting over his stupid fears and immaturity. I know he loves me. But I also know that this isn't a fairytale or a Hollywood movie. He will let me go and not hold me back. And we will go on with our lives, separately.



I don't know what to do. I guess I should keep telling myself that this is all for the best and that a few months from now, I will feel so much better and not miss him like hell anymore. Right now, it's unbearable and just the thought of the day that I'm actually leaving and getting on this plane makes my heart hurt so unbelievably much.



Anyone been through a situation like that and can share some wise words, advice or anything? I just need some words I guess, and I just needed to get this out.



Thanks for reading.
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Old Yesterday, 02:51 PM
 
521 posts, read 140,093 times
Reputation: 1306
You did the right thing because this will never be a real relationship. The pain will lessen with time and eventually go away. You will find your life partner.
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Old Yesterday, 02:57 PM
 
943 posts, read 200,030 times
Reputation: 1891
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkzebra View Post


WHY does this hurt so freaking much??
Congratulations! This is the first day of your recovery and getting on with the rest of your life. Most of us have been through this. Congratulations on being smart enough and strong enough to bail out of something bad.
Best remedy: exercise with good music. That's what worked for me. Realizing who was Number 1. Listen to something upbeat like the B-52s.
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Old Yesterday, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,538 posts, read 4,343,115 times
Reputation: 5330
SoCal, she's 31 so unlikely she knows who the B-52s are, but a good suggestion (and group) nonetheless.

OP, are you moving to New Zealand or what? Thats an enormous life change! I'm sure the move will be exciting and you'll love it once you get settled. We've all been through heartbreak, and it sucks, but gets easier over time. You'll be over him fast once you move.
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Old Yesterday, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Texas
9,930 posts, read 3,805,243 times
Reputation: 20252
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkzebra View Post
He's extremely immature, jaded, doesn't trust people and scared of getting hurt. .
Sounds like he needs time to grow up before getting involved with someone.
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Old Yesterday, 03:50 PM
 
6,851 posts, read 2,470,740 times
Reputation: 15719
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkzebra View Post
Right now this is my biggest heartbreak because it's an 'almost relationship'. After being friends for a long time, dating on and off over a year, I finally realized I will never have him (we're both 31 FYI). He's extremely immature, jaded, doesn't trust people and scared of getting hurt. It's been an up and down and we've been through so much, even in that short time of a year and a half. He was never mine, we we were never official (even tho we weren't sleeping with other people and spending most nights together). He doesn't do girlfriends, as he says. To the outside, he seems like this extremely funny, confident, outgoing guy, but I know him better than that. He's pretty broken inside, and I thought I could save him. Rookie mistake. Of course I couldnt. So last week when I finally realized that him and I will never, never be official and that I can't keep going through the same heartbreak over and over again, I accepted a job offer that I got a few weeks ago. On the other side of the world. Over 24 flight hours away. I'm leaving in six weeks.



And why I'm crying now is that I told him that today, on the phone. I messaged him, telling him I wanna meet (we have been avoiding each other a little for the past two weeks), and he said he doesn't want to, he doesn't feel like being alone with me now because he's extremely afraid that I will say things that will hurt him, he's afraid of losing me and whatever else, so he said let's meet within the group tomorrow with our mutual friends. I reluctantly agreed, but then I just couldn't help myself. I called him and told him that I wanted to talk to him in private because I wanted to tell him that I'm leaving the country to move to the other side of the world. He was completely baffled. He asked a few questions, then he started crying. He then said he cannot listen to this anymore and that he'll see me tomorrow with the group. I told him that from now on, we should probably just pretend that we're just normal friends that see each other once in a while. We hung up.



WHY does this hurt so freaking much?? I feel like this is even worse than the breakup with my cheating ex-fiance. I'm thinking about everything that could have been, everything that we experienced together, imagining all the things that will never be. I'm gonna leave and either never see him again, or see him once a year when I'm back here to visit friends. It's so damn heartbreaking that he rather loses me completely than getting over his stupid fears and immaturity. I know he loves me. But I also know that this isn't a fairytale or a Hollywood movie. He will let me go and not hold me back. And we will go on with our lives, separately.



I don't know what to do. I guess I should keep telling myself that this is all for the best and that a few months from now, I will feel so much better and not miss him like hell anymore. Right now, it's unbearable and just the thought of the day that I'm actually leaving and getting on this plane makes my heart hurt so unbelievably much.



Anyone been through a situation like that and can share some wise words, advice or anything? I just need some words I guess, and I just needed to get this out.



Thanks for reading.

Girl, you were/are very brave! And I mean that as a positive. So many people know deep down what they need to do...but never get around to it, or make excuses for staying in bad unfulfilling relationships.


You however, think enough of yourself to change your situation. I admire that! And moving across the world. Wow. You're serious about moving on. It hurts because you ripped a band aid off. There WILL come a time when it won't hurt so bad, and eventually he'll just be a bittersweet memory.


But seriously, I think you're bad ass. You go girl!
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Old Yesterday, 03:53 PM
 
2 posts
Reputation: 10
Thanks guys. I'm trying to think of reasons why it's better that we're ending up without each other, to make myself feel better. Like the fact that I was never able to critisize him in any way without him just repeating over and over again 'Wow, you're insulting me, you say **** to me, you just want me to feel bad, you make me feel like ****'. I even reread many of our conversations to see if I actually said siomething awful to him and I never did. Like I could literally say something like 'I was really disappointed by your behaviour last week. I told you I was really sad and depressed because my grandpa died and because of this and that and you didnt reach out to me for days.' and his answer would be 'Wow thanks for making me feel bad, you just keep throwing **** in mjy face to make me feel awful.. I have wondered before if he's a narcissist, because he's the funniest, most outgoing guy when you meet him, but he's deeply broken and insecure inside and somehow makes every fight about him and his feelings.

Oh, and I'm moving to Australia. I'm really excited about it, nervous as hell, but I think it's a good timing. I just keep wondering why I always meet the wrong guys.
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Old Yesterday, 03:56 PM
 
6,851 posts, read 2,470,740 times
Reputation: 15719
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkzebra View Post
Thanks guys. I'm trying to think of reasons why it's better that we're ending up without each other, to make myself feel better. Like the fact that I was never able to critisize him in any way without him just repeating over and over again 'Wow, you're insulting me, you say **** to me, you just want me to feel bad, you make me feel like ****'. I even reread many of our conversations to see if I actually said siomething awful to him and I never did. Like I could literally say something like 'I was really disappointed by your behaviour last week. I told you I was really sad and depressed because my grandpa died and because of this and that and you didnt reach out to me for days.' and his answer would be 'Wow thanks for making me feel bad, you just keep throwing **** in mjy face to make me feel awful.. I have wondered before if he's a narcissist, because he's the funniest, most outgoing guy when you meet him, but he's deeply broken and insecure inside and somehow makes every fight about him and his feelings.

Oh, and I'm moving to Australia. I'm really excited about it, nervous as hell, but I think it's a good timing. I just keep wondering why I always meet the wrong guys.

Well, we live and learn. I had to kiss more frogs than I care to admit before I met my husband.
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Old Yesterday, 04:15 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,729 posts, read 4,946,606 times
Reputation: 12735
All I can say is, when someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them next time. It's not your job to fix someone. No matter how much love them or feel bad for them. You need to look out for yourself.
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Old Yesterday, 05:41 PM
 
1,008 posts, read 284,328 times
Reputation: 2831
So, he doesn't want to be with you but he also doesn't want to be without you. What a mess. Trust me, eventually you will be glad you escaped this $h!+show.

And, don't be with anyone who needs "saving." I also once learned this the hard way (luckily, not nearly as hard as it could have been). Now, if someone can't stand on their own two feet and needs me to save them, make them responsible, make them happy, complete them, shore them up, or any other kind of BS that means both that I'd be terrified to ever leave them lest they fall apart and that they couldn't leave me even if they wanted to lest they fall apart (being "needed" is BS. Someone can "need" you and not like you. Far better to be with someone who *wants* to be with you by their own choice)... I stay the hell away.
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