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Old 08-20-2019, 05:16 PM
 
7,602 posts, read 11,708,992 times
Reputation: 8489

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Are you suggesting that our parents might be here reading our posts?

I would not really mind that. I don't feel like there's much point or purpose in seeking them out directly to enlighten them on how I feel about the way they raised me, or their relationships as I was growing up. But I'm betting there are things they've never really held themselves accountable for. If they saw me expressing my honest opinions about them, maybe they would. But again...not sure what point there is, in any of that NOW. It's not like either of them are role models to any children at the moment, regardless. There is no making it better for another situation going forward. No useful purpose to learn a lesson from any of it. It's all water way, way under the bridge.

I feel no need to confront them...but I also haven't got anything to hide. It's nothing but the truth, after all.
I'm not suggesting that YOUR parents are posting here.

But I am suggesting that people who parented just like your parents and the other parents being described here are.

It's like that on all of CD forum. Everybody has the unreliable friend who is 30 minutes late, but nobody is the unreliable friend, lol. Not quite sure why that is.

I did once have a co-worker and she clearly and logically laid out why her mother was a very selfish person and why they basically had no relationship. In that particular case, I'm sure the mother knew exactly where she stood with her daughter.

Are you still in touch with them?
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Old 08-20-2019, 09:18 PM
 
7,849 posts, read 3,083,151 times
Reputation: 12982
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I think it's funny that the people that the bad parents that are being discussed are some of the same people who also post on this Relationships forum.

But can they see it? Are they aware of what their kids think of them?
Children, or parents?

I know exactly what my daughter thinks. She was very objective and still is. She doesn’t pick sides even though she has no respect for her father, she wonders what the hell I was thinking? She thinks I shouldn’t have bothered to talk back. I’m sorry I put her through that, hindsight is 20/20 and all.

Parents? My mother conveniently “forgets” the bad times. Doesn’t respond to questions. My aunt fills in the blanks for me.

As for the OP: They were very passionate and vocal, something I deliberately choose not to be in a relationship, because of the stress and tension. One of the reasons I ever even got married and had a baby: At least I know what not to do, anyway. You can’t really predict the future though, no matter how you try to do everything “right”.
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Old 08-21-2019, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,276 posts, read 7,507,917 times
Reputation: 22044
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
I'm not suggesting that YOUR parents are posting here.

But I am suggesting that people who parented just like your parents and the other parents being described here are.

It's like that on all of CD forum. Everybody has the unreliable friend who is 30 minutes late, but nobody is the unreliable friend, lol. Not quite sure why that is.

I did once have a co-worker and she clearly and logically laid out why her mother was a very selfish person and why they basically had no relationship. In that particular case, I'm sure the mother knew exactly where she stood with her daughter.

Are you still in touch with them?
I am, infrequently and long distance.

I used to try harder, until I realized that all of the effort was one sided (coming from me)...eventually I just said, "The heck with this" and stopped being the only one to plan trips for visits and the one who initiates phone calls. Then our contact dropped off dramatically.

I don't pretend to be perfect, in parenting or anything else. But the specific problems that my parents have, are not the problems that I have. My father is an alcoholic, and smokes pot. I've never been drunk in my life, and haven't smoked pot in many years, and haven't really been into it since I was a teenager. My Mom is melodramatic and occasionally explosive and violent. I'm conflict averse and very chill. It's nearly impossible to provoke a display of anger from me. She also keeps a bunch of pets she can't afford, and I've got only one cat, which is how it's going to stay.

Frankly I think I've learned a lot from my parents about what NOT to do and how NOT to live.

Don't get me wrong. I do not claim to have had a relationship to my sons' father, that I'd want either of them to emulate. I hope that they learn from our mistakes as much as they learn from any words of wisdom that we may have to share, and I think that there are some elements of both to be had...both from my own parents to me, and from my ex and I to our sons. But if you can observe that your parents' choices led them to unhappy ends, and lives you would not want to be living yourself, then you should be taking away from that a whole lot of "what not to do." And I think that does happen for a lot of us.
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Old Today, 12:35 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale
1,172 posts, read 581,457 times
Reputation: 2104
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
Infidelity.
Exactly.
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Old Today, 10:26 AM
 
26 posts, read 5,244 times
Reputation: 35
Alcoholism (father)
Infidelity: Marrying another women and having a kid with her without anyone knowing (father), we found out 3 years later
I would never cheat on someone just because of what I witnessed my mom go through. She attempted suicide.
Controlling father ( sending me away to a boarding school in a different country at the age of 13). The worst time of my life
There's a lot of things...
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Old Today, 10:39 AM
 
8,602 posts, read 7,238,185 times
Reputation: 9067
My parents are awesome to one another so it’s kinda hard to pull something “major”

There was a brief period when I was 8 or 9 when I know they hit a rocky spot and considered separation, but this wasn’t handled negatively towards us (the kids) and they talked openly about it with us.
My fathers working hours in the first 15 years of their marriage was brutal, it’s not something he had a huge degree of control over however since money was money and a necessity to keep the household going.
His working hours had a negative affect on the whole family unit and was a contributing factor to the idea of separation they had gone through, so it’s what I will have to pick.

It’s one of those things that as a kid you really don’t understand fully, but as you become an adult yourself you immediately take back all the negativity you gave it growing up.
I could pick apart aspects of them as people that I could find issue with personally, but the truth is we are all flawed. A full lifetime of knowing them as people can reveal a lot of mistakes and character flaws with enough inspection given. What matters is their intentions towards the family they created together was always firmly in a place that was to make it better and not worse. Even if they made mistakes along the way getting their, it never muddied their relationship or ours with them.

Last edited by rego00123; Today at 10:56 AM..
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Old Today, 03:53 PM
 
346 posts, read 111,454 times
Reputation: 262
Most of it. I thought my parent's marriage was awful early on and made a conscious choice to find men nothing like my father. Now, I overlooked the fact my father has some good traits, for example he is very hard working and I chose quite a few bums when I was younger. But their marriage had cheating, no sex, no romance, no attention and lots of controlling. All that from his side, she never wanted sex with him anyways. One of my deal breakers to this day is if someone is not good in bed. Obviously by far not the most important quality in a mate, but important for sure. I just took the find someone NOT like my father idea to the extreme. My father, who is still married to my mother, unlike me, knows how to pick a good partner. He is also very intelligent- one thing I look for, but don't always find, in a partner. They're still married. Nearly 50 years
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