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Old 08-12-2019, 07:51 PM
 
4 posts, read 442 times
Reputation: 10

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Do you really believe this ^^^? You were, what, 18!!

I disagree that it doesn't affect your wife when you say that you have only been able to love/give about 80% of yourself since then. Withholding is not fair for either of you.
Thank you Birdie. I understand your view and I guess I agree. 've never felt the same about love since that time. I cant control that, and if I could I would solve it. I am here for recommendation if you have anything. I would certainly like to be able to feel like I am giving 100%. I've always been at 80% and it has "worked", I do want to be at 100% with my wife and feel like this is the block. I don't want to go backwards, I want to move forward and be better than I am now.
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Old 08-12-2019, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,762 posts, read 42,381,785 times
Reputation: 84401
Quote:
Originally Posted by bcap View Post
Thank you Birdie. I understand your view and I guess I agree. 've never felt the same about love since that time. I cant control that, and if I could I would solve it. I am here for recommendation if you have anything. I would certainly like to be able to feel like I am giving 100%. I've always been at 80% and it has "worked", I do want to be at 100% with my wife and feel like this is the block. I don't want to go backwards, I want to move forward and be better than I am now.
So ... were you always thinking of her over the years, or was this obsession triggered by your recent encounter?

Honestly, the most direct way to deal with this is therapy, because we could sit here and guess about your situation all day.

I mean, it makes sense that this relationship was important to you, but you should be able to recognize it for the significant thing it was, keep it as a part of your whole life story, and then move forward without ruminating on it.

For whatever reason, you're giving this much more significance than it needs, and that's what you have to figure out.

I honestly would bet that your inability to let it go and devote yourself to your wife has much more to do with YOU and your feelings about yourself than it does with your ex.
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Old 08-12-2019, 08:00 PM
 
8,329 posts, read 6,101,553 times
Reputation: 5918
Quote:
Originally Posted by bcap View Post
So I am looking for advice here Ö I am a 41 male happily married, yet I realize that I have never got over an ex-girlfriend from when I was 18-19 years old. Truthfully, it was not a healthy relationship which was my fault because I was very scared of losing her in the midst of the time my parents were splitting up.

Nevertheless, I recently ran into her, and my heart dropped, I was nervous, giddy, I could hardly breath. In the meantime, in my mind and heart she would had been the one that got away.

I do not have interest in rekindling anything with her and know that would not be the right path. I love my current situation and family, I just feel like I cannot and have not truly be free to give to my wife.

Iíve tried ways to let it go over the years, but she is the one my heart goes back to and believe it is a curse. I donít want to feel this way. Has anyone else experienced this? Any recommendations?
Other than the cliche, I don't have much, but here it goes.

You may need someone to help you through this. This has been more than 20 years. Also, don't blame yourself. It is not just your fault. It often takes two. She had contributed to the relationship as well.
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Old Yesterday, 01:20 AM
 
26,269 posts, read 28,711,520 times
Reputation: 25064
Quote:
Originally Posted by bcap View Post
So I am looking for advice here Ö I am a 41 male happily married, yet I realize that I have never got over an ex-girlfriend from when I was 18-19 years old. Truthfully, it was not a healthy relationship which was my fault because I was very scared of losing her in the midst of the time my parents were splitting up.

Nevertheless, I recently ran into her, and my heart dropped, I was nervous, giddy, I could hardly breath. In the meantime, in my mind and heart she would had been the one that got away.

I do not have interest in rekindling anything with her and know that would not be the right path. I love my current situation and family, I just feel like I cannot and have not truly be free to give to my wife.

Iíve tried ways to let it go over the years, but she is the one my heart goes back to and believe it is a curse. I donít want to feel this way. Has anyone else experienced this? Any recommendations?
Sounds like an unhealthy soul tie:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS1EZGK_R2M
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Old Yesterday, 08:29 PM
 
78 posts, read 9,634 times
Reputation: 73
I don’t know what to tell you. I still love my ex-boyfriend 10 years after the break up. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes there is no way to stop loving the person. I have come to make peace with the fact that it is very unlikely I could ever feel anything remotely similar with someone else. But at least you also love your wife to stay with that feeling.
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Old Today, 05:27 PM
 
972 posts, read 370,267 times
Reputation: 1732
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
Sounds like an unhealthy soul tie:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS1EZGK_R2M
I agree with this. Also look at the work of Helen Fisher when in love. Her studies indicates that very strong bonds are made when you fall in love at a young age because it's so unguarded and real. It pails in comparison to any other type of love. It's very interesting.

As far as getting over her, I think you probably feel like you missed out.It was supposed to be different and it is left unfinished.

If it was supposed to be different it would've been.

You are wasting you time and wife's time by not fully giving yourself to her. If you start giving her more, you will start getting more and the memory of this old love will fade more rapidly.

Honor it for what it was and keep moving forward.
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