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Old Today, 08:29 AM
 
Location: southern california
55,889 posts, read 74,910,712 times
Reputation: 48418

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High probability of marrying a man that will not hit you -zero probability that a divorce will not produce accusations of male bully behavior -virtually any confrontation with the male partner will trigger the accusation of verbal abuse
The basis of these confrontations are mostly financial infidelity

Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; Today at 09:52 AM..
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Old Today, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
5,121 posts, read 5,455,838 times
Reputation: 12663
I've been with my husband for 20 years, and before him I dated several guys. Never has a man laid a hand on me in anger - no hitting, no grabbing, no shaking. Abuse goes both ways so I'll also state - the same goes for me. I've never hit, punch, slapped a man in anger.

Has there been anger? Yes. Has there been very, very angry? Yes. But there's no violence.

I urge you to be sure this man is not the type to be abusive, not just physically but also emotionally/mentally, before you get married. It would be foolish to do otherwise.
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Old Today, 08:40 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
I've never been married in my life but currently have a long-distance relationship. I know we're going to eventually get married and sometimes this can provoke an uneasy feeling even though he already said he would never hit me. I have no idea what's it like being proud of your marriage and having a husband that never ever hit you. That must be a wonderful feeling; for a woman to be respected in that manner and always feel safe.

Out of 100% what are the chances of having a successful marriage and never ever get hit (no matter how heated an argument turns out) by a husband?

Note: Please stop referring to other past threads unrelated to this question. I don't wish to get bullied here again. I've felt some of you were bullying me.
If you have never married.....why do you say it must be a wonderful feeling to have a husband who never hit you?

There are always signs to abuse .... long before it happens. if you are long distance....you haven't been in the relationship close up enough to give yourself a chance to see those signs.

The #1 sign that always happens...sooner or later... is that he starts to isolate you from your friends & family......it's a slow gradual process that you may not realize at first....but if a man is going to abuse you, he wants to take away your social network & your emotional support. You also shouldn't be dependent on him for money...or a place to live...where you can't get up & leave the minute something isn't right...whether he is becoming more controlling...(about who you talk to or what you do)...or actually hits you.

Other signs....he is jealous of your time, he blames others for things that are wrong in his life, he insults you or uses jokes to belittle you & he expects you to do everything. Even if this doesn't progress to physical abuse, it can be emotional abuse by itself......

Make sure you take your time in any relationship to look for these signs.....before you move in or get married....
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Old Today, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Continental Europe
649 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1079
I was hit once in a relationship. A few women I know have, too. I bet most people on this board knows someone who has experienced violence in a relationship who hasn't said anything. After it happens you feel like an idiot (even though the other person is the one who should feel like the idiot) so people who experience it typically don't tell everyone.

It's rare for hitting to come out of the blue. It's usually preceded by verbal abuse and/or psychological abuse. The psychological abuse is the thing to watch out for as a sign that things could later become violent.

Last edited by Carly1983; Today at 09:09 AM..
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Old Today, 09:06 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
I was hit once in a relationship. A few women I know have, too. I bet most people on this board knows someone who has experienced violence in a relationship who hasn't said anything. After it happens you feel like an idiot (even thought the other person is the one who should feel like the idiot) so people who experience it typically don't tell everyone.

It's rare for hitting to come out of the blue. It's usually preceded by verbal abuse and/or psychological abuse. The psychological abuse is the thing to watch out for as a sign that things could later become violent.
Ita....keeping it quiet is what an abuser wants....& that is why he isolates....from friends & family! He needs to be in control of your time.........

O.P. has not been in a marriage.....so maybe she comes from a family where there was abuse....or she is picking up on some signs & that is the reason for her discomfort.....
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Old Today, 09:07 AM
 
634 posts, read 336,661 times
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Its true about the psychological abuse, there was that early in my relationship with the abusive guy. Extremely possessive and controlling behavior too.

One thing to note though is how abuse affects the mind of the victim. The abuser is usually really good at turning the tables and making her think it was her fault, or that his behavior is normal, "it shows how much he loves her, how unappreciative she is of all he does for her, how lucky she is to have a man like him, how shes damaged goods no other man would want," etc. Look up gaslighting. Its very effective.

Without an extremely strong support system and very very healthy self esteem and confidence in ones own perceptions, it can be difficult not to fall into the trap.

The best advice is probably always have a good support system and allies who will not turn against you or side with the abuser if for some reason you cant or dont leave at the very first sign of abuse.
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Old Today, 09:17 AM
 
1,370 posts, read 1,753,007 times
Reputation: 1027
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
Ita....keeping it quiet is what an abuser wants....& that is why he isolates....from friends & family! He needs to be in control of your time.........

O.P. has not been in a marriage.....so maybe she comes from a family where there was abuse....or she is picking up on some signs & that is the reason for her discomfort.....
No signs yet. He actually wants me to follow my dreams of owning a business one day. However, yes I did witnessed (I was 4/5 the very first time I knew what happened) violence in the house and I refused to follow the same cycle. I refuse to be a woman that accepts getting hit.
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Old Today, 09:22 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1159
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
No signs yet. He actually wants me to follow my dreams of owning a business one day. However, yes I did witnessed (I was 4/5 the very first time I knew what happened) violence in the house and I refused to follow the same cycle. I refuse to be a woman that accepts getting hit.
Just be careful.....since you are long distance.......to give yourself plenty of time day to day to see any signs........before you move in or get married.......
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Old Today, 09:26 AM
 
1,370 posts, read 1,753,007 times
Reputation: 1027
Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
If you have never married.....why do you say it must be a wonderful feeling to have a husband who never hit you?
Long ago, there was a time I used to think it was a man's uncontrollable urge to hit his wife (even spank her in anger as he would to a child) during heated arguments. In my mind, most men would hit a woman vs very few that wouldn't.
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Old Today, 09:30 AM
 
Location: San Angelo, TX
1,788 posts, read 3,006,558 times
Reputation: 1965
OP, you’re feeding a fantasy. If you fear violence in a marriage, don’t get married. And you can stay away from men all together and you’ll never get hit by a man.
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