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Old Today, 09:39 AM
 
170 posts, read 33,554 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
Long ago, there was a time I used to think it was a man's uncontrollable urge to hit his wife
I don't know you, but based off what you're saying here, you shouldn't be getting married to anyone yet. imo

There's a lot you have address before you can commit yourself to anybody or be a good judge of who may or may not be abusive. Please seek counseling of some kind to help you work through it. If you can't afford any, maybe clergy (gotta be careful with that too though)
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Old Today, 09:41 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
Long ago, there was a time I used to think it was a man's uncontrollable urge to hit his wife (even spank her in anger as he would to a child) during heated arguments. In my mind, most men would hit a woman vs very few that wouldn't.
Always always give any relationship time to see the signs 1st cause there will be signs. It doesn't just happen out of the clear blue sky 1 day....you will see behavior patterns & how he is in the relationship like isolation....blame....belittling....controlling & jealous of your time..

P.S....Shouldn't spank a child in anger either..........
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Old Today, 09:53 AM
 
1,927 posts, read 553,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
Long ago, there was a time I used to think it was a man's uncontrollable urge to hit his wife (even spank her in anger as he would to a child) during heated arguments. In my mind, most men would hit a woman vs very few that wouldn't.
Thereís no stats for women that antagonize their men. Thereís many women out there that do all they can to get their man as angry as possible so they have the upper hand. Hopefully youíre not one of them.
If youíre nervous about someone youíre seeing itís because you donít know them well enough.
I wouldnít be surprised if men are violent due to the environment in Peru, but if youíve been in abusive relationships before, you should be able to see the signs of abuse creeping up.
But marrying someone without living with them first is the wrong way to go, you know you donít know him well enough to marry him.
But if youíre going to be an opportunist to get out of Peru, I guess youíll have to take the good with the bad.

Up here, I doubt violent men are as prevalent. But you have to date them for a couple years to make sure they are the person you really want to marry.
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Old Today, 09:58 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
Thereís no stats for women that antagonize their men. Thereís many women out there that do all they can to get their man as angry as possible so they have the upper hand. Hopefully youíre not one of them.
There is *never* any reason to hit a woman...E V E R....no matter how justified you think you are.........
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Old Today, 10:01 AM
 
1,927 posts, read 553,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
There is *never* any reason to hit a woman...E V E R....no matter how justified you think you are.........
Thereís men out there that donít think that way. Doesnít matter what you think, theyíll still do it. You just donít stay with them. And thereís never a reason for a woman to antagonize a man like a high schooler either.
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Old Today, 10:04 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
Thereís men out there that donít think that way. Doesnít matter what you think, theyíll still do it. You just donít stay with them. And thereís never a reason for a woman to antagonize a man like a high schooler either.
Ofc & that's why men & women should give the relationship time to see the signs on both sides................
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Old Today, 10:07 AM
 
9,054 posts, read 5,218,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
I've never been married in my life but currently have a long-distance relationship. I know we're going to eventually get married and sometimes this can provoke an uneasy feeling even though he already said he would never hit me. I have no idea what's it like being proud of your marriage and having a husband that never ever hit you. That must be a wonderful feeling; for a woman to be respected in that manner and always feel safe.

Out of 100% what are the chances of having a successful marriage and never ever get hit (no matter how heated an argument turns out) by a husband?

Note: Please stop referring to other past threads unrelated to this question. I don't wish to get bullied here again. I've felt some of you were bullying me.
Honey, there are plenty of men out there who would NEVER NO MATTER WHAT raise their hand to you. And here's the important part: you deserve such a man.
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Old Today, 10:09 AM
 
13,384 posts, read 25,695,280 times
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I had two friends, both very independent living women, about age 30, enter into physically abusive marriages. One especially when she became pregnant. Of note, the one man was Japanese (in Hawaii) and the other was Jamaican (in New York). I have never understood how these women ended up in those situations. The Hawaii friend did divorce when the kids were old enough to leave financially, and the New York friend was widowed after about five years.

I'm glad all I said about it was "I'm so sorry this happened to you." Truly I don't understand. I never heard of such a thing until I was an adult, although my parents did say, "If a man ever raises a hand to you, it should be the last time he does it." I didn't know what they were talking about. There was no love or any such growing up, but certainly no abuse or violence.

I think if OP stays out of marrying (especially long distance) she might happily learn that violence is a minority of relationship. Yes, a significant minority, but certainly not a given. I worry that her desire to have children might send her into marriage when it's so ill-advised. Best wishes to OP.
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Old Today, 10:10 AM
 
1,020 posts, read 286,959 times
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It sounds to me as if you have grown up in a family where abuse is common, compounded by living in a culture where abuse is common. Unfortunately, that has made you feel as if abuse is common everywhere and you would be lucky to avoid it. I'm sorry to hear this, but it's understandable.

Yes, you can find someone who will not use physical violence with you. Unfortunately, of course you can't necessarily take someone at their word, and it will be hard to observe their behavior from long-distance. But at some point you will have to learn to trust a person, and to trust your own instincts in seeing warning signs. You can't go through a relationship in distrust; it's not good or fair to either you or the other person in the relationship.

Are you Peruvian, or just living there for now? I don't know what the situation is there for the possibility of you seeing a therapist, nor if it would even be helpful there if domestic abuse is a cultural norm. Will you be able to live somewhere else at some point? (What is the plan when you get married-- are you moving to the U.S. to be with him, or is he moving to Peru?)
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Old Today, 10:11 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,313 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1159
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post

I think if OP stays out of marrying (especially long distance) she might happily learn that violence is a minority of relationship. Yes, a significant minority, but certainly not a given. I worry that her desire to have children might send her into marriage when it's so ill-advised. Best wishes to OP.
Ita...you can't know someone completely long distance....you have to live in the same area eventually & make it real 1st.........or you stay in "best foot forward" syndrome...........
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