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Old Today, 10:15 AM
 
1,370 posts, read 1,753,007 times
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Nope, I have never been in an abusive relationship. I don't date any local men here and never will.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
There’s no stats for women that antagonize their men. There’s many women out there that do all they can to get their man as angry as possible so they have the upper hand. Hopefully you’re not one of them.
I hate lengthy arguments so the answer is no. Though, I still see your statement as a justification. Even if the woman were to say ''I hope your mother dies'' or ''you'll never be good enough'', that still wouldn't be a reason for him to get physical. None. I refuse to accept excuses other than it being a true case of self-defense.
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Old Today, 10:18 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,320 posts, read 307,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
I know we're going to eventually get married and sometimes this can provoke an uneasy feeling even though he already said he would never hit me. [/b]



How do you know you are going to eventually marry....if you are in a relationship long distance? It is too soon to know that.................while you are experiencing uneasy feelings???????????????
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Old Today, 10:21 AM
 
6,890 posts, read 2,488,345 times
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I've never been hit by a husband.


My first husband and I, we had our problems, (he was unfaithful to me) but he was never physically violent. My current husband and I, he's not physically violent or abusive. As a matter-of-fact, he's a pretty good guy.


I DID however, date a couple of guys who got violent...and so they became EX boyfriends.
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Old Today, 10:25 AM
 
1,931 posts, read 553,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
Nope, I have never been in an abusive relationship. I don't date any local men here and never will.
I hate lengthy arguments so the answer is no. Though, I still see your statement as a justification. Even if the woman were to say ''I hope your mother dies'' or ''you'll never be good enough'', that still wouldn't be a reason for him to get physical. None. I refuse to accept excuses other than it being a true case of self-defense.
Itís not an excuse, itís reality. There are guys out there that will do it. Saying thereís no excuse means nothing on this board if youíre marrying someone you donít truly know. If you keep poking the dog sometimes they will bite. You seeing my post as a justification means youíre not really reading what Iím trying to tell you. Itís the same old knee jerk reaction that women always have. You need to get past that.
Do you like to antagonize people as vindication during an argument? That is a form of verbal psychological abuse, just as bad as physical abuse. Neither is right in any circumstance.

As long as you communicate your grievances within reason like an adult and you donít like drama you can probably see who is abusive from a mile away and avoid it. But like I said in my last post, itís probably not as prevalent up here as it is where you are. But you donít have that choice because youíre working on one guy. And if youíre nervous about him, itís because you donít know him well enough.
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Old Today, 10:27 AM
 
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I've been married 35 years, haven't touched my wife in anger. I can't even imagine doing so.

I'm trying to think of what might be a clue for a woman in a relationship.

I'd say take note of whether the man ever abuses anything else when he's angry. Does he throw, toss, kick, slap, push anything else when angry? Does he even have to express anger physically at all, anything more than raising his voice? Does it ever seem as though he's barely restrained from getting into fights with other men? I think I'd take that as a definite stop light.

Because...over the course of a marriage, nobody will ever make you angrier than your own spouse. That's just a statistical matter of time spent together and the number of life-critical issues you'll deal with in a marriage.
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Old Today, 10:27 AM
 
1,370 posts, read 1,753,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
It sounds to me as if you have grown up in a family where abuse is common, compounded by living in a culture where abuse is common. Unfortunately, that has made you feel as if abuse is common everywhere and you would be lucky to avoid it. I'm sorry to hear this, but it's understandable.
I guess I'm overgeneralizing and treating it as an epidemia that spreads.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Yes, you can find someone who will not use physical violence with you. Unfortunately, of course you can't necessarily take someone at their word, and it will be hard to observe their behavior from long-distance. But at some point you will have to learn to trust a person, and to trust your own instincts in seeing warning signs. You can't go through a relationship in distrust; it's not good or fair to either you or the other person in the relationship.
I know trust is needed in a relationship. I do want to get to that level. Hopefully I will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Are you Peruvian, or just living there for now? I don't know what the situation is there for the possibility of you seeing a therapist, nor if it would even be helpful there if domestic abuse is a cultural norm. Will you be able to live somewhere else at some point? (What is the plan when you get married-- are you moving to the U.S. to be with him, or is he moving to Peru?)
Yes I am and have been here for 12 years by now. I don't even like Andean songs at all. I'm still in love with English music, Slipknot, heavy metal, etc. Though, if I had everything needed to get out of here I would right away. When I get married, I would want to move in with him to the US. That would be ideal.
I guess at some point (soon when I get a chance) I'll arrange an apt for a specialist to talk about several inquiries/issues.
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Old Today, 10:30 AM
 
1,370 posts, read 1,753,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
How do you know you are going to eventually marry....if you are in a relationship long distance? It is too soon to know that.................while you are experiencing uneasy feelings???????????????
That's what I'm hoping for while I'm stuck here.
Probably too soon but it's better to not be that trusting for now than be a fool like a couple female family members that trusted their men when they met, only to get hit.
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Old Today, 10:33 AM
 
1,370 posts, read 1,753,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PardonTheInterruption View Post
Please seek counseling of some kind to help you work through it. If you can't afford any, maybe clergy (gotta be careful with that too though)
I'm thinking about it at some point. Counseling would be ok. As for clergy, I'm an atheist so no.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TashaPosh View Post
P.S....Shouldn't spank a child in anger either..........
I don't even believe in spanking a child, esp not with a damn belt. Even that makes me sick to my stomach.
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Old Today, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Continental Europe
673 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
Itís not an excuse, itís reality. There are guys out there that will do it. Saying thereís no excuse means nothing on this board if youíre marrying someone you donít truly know. If you keep poking the dog sometimes they will bite. You seeing my post as a justification means youíre not really reading what Iím trying to tell you. Itís the same old knee jerk reaction that women always have. You need to get past that.
Do you like to antagonize people as vindication during an argument? That is a form of verbal psychological abuse, just as bad as physical abuse. Neither is right in any circumstance.

As long as you communicate your grievances within reason like an adult and you donít like drama you can probably see who is abusive from a mile away and avoid it. But like I said in my last post, itís probably not as prevalent up here as it is where you are. But you donít have that choice because youíre working on one guy. And if youíre nervous about him, itís because you donít know him well enough.
If a man is feeling antagonised to the point where he wants to get physical, that is a relationship that should be finished. There's no excuse for physical violence in a relationship, except self defence when one is in danger.
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Old Today, 10:39 AM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,320 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1163
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
I'm thinking about it at some point. Counseling would be ok. As for clergy, I'm an atheist so no.

I don't even believe in spanking a child, esp not with a damn belt. Even that makes me sick to my stomach.
Ita.....I don't believe in spanking for any reason ...you scared me when you brought it up.......it's child abuse IMO..........
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