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Old Yesterday, 11:04 AM
 
1,372 posts, read 1,753,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
How do you tell if an American man is abusive over the internet, from 5000 miles away?
He's a Latino, Americanized resident (not Peruvian) and working on getting his citizenship. He's been living in Miami, Fl since he was 9.
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Old Yesterday, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Continental Europe
695 posts, read 116,586 times
Reputation: 1099
I think it is risky to go and marry and have kids with someone in an overseas country, because presumably you haven't spent enough time with them to know if they're abusive or not.

Also you are going to be vulnerable as a new immigrant - you won't know how things work; where to get support if something goes wrong & you won't have your own support network etc.

This is an abuser's ideal scenario.

As someone who has been in abusive relationships I have been concerned about this, too. I decided that having my own savings (also called a 'f**k off fund') and income and never becoming financially vulnerable is important because without it you are dependent. Also having a solid circle of friends (aka support network.) Know the signs of abuse - read about it (I like Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That' & I also did the Freedom Programme.) And get therapy. Take your time to get to know someone.

PS. I have a friend in a good marriage with a Peruvian man. They can't all be abusers.
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Old Yesterday, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
32,146 posts, read 20,267,149 times
Reputation: 46418
OP, what you are planning on doing certainly increases your chances of ending up in an abusive relationship.
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Old Yesterday, 11:11 AM
 
13,384 posts, read 25,700,930 times
Reputation: 20721
It sounds like arranged marriages in OP's family, too.
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Old Yesterday, 11:31 AM
 
1,931 posts, read 553,955 times
Reputation: 2395
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
He's a Latino, Americanized resident (not Peruvian) and working on getting his citizenship. He's been living in Miami, Fl since he was 9.
Americanized resident? Oof Miami is tough.

I know this much from personal experience.
Dominican women have told me they were attracted to me because I look Dominican, but I wouldn’t be crazy like Dominican men.

How are your mans family life, relationship with parents, relatives family life?
Is he the jealous type?
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Old Yesterday, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,120 posts, read 7,868,595 times
Reputation: 12440
In 40 years of marriage neither my wife nor myself ever physically nor mentally abused the other. I would like to think we were not abnormal.
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Old Yesterday, 12:27 PM
 
Location: new to the BA & l o v e it
1,320 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 1163
Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
In 40 years of marriage neither my wife nor myself ever physically nor mentally abused the other. I would like to think we were not abnormal.
You aren't abnormal....lots out there!!! My parents have been married 32 yrs....& my grandparents 56 yrs.....same for them.
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Old Yesterday, 12:32 PM
 
1,931 posts, read 553,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
In 40 years of marriage neither my wife nor myself ever physically nor mentally abused the other. I would like to think we were not abnormal.
Youíre definitely normal. I donít know any physical abusers, and Iíve never physically abused any women that I was in a relationship with. I donít think itís as prevalent in this country as it is in Peru, per capital.
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Old Yesterday, 01:56 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,165 posts, read 12,987,781 times
Reputation: 31642
I have never experienced violence in my marriage, any relationship nor do I know anyone who does or has in the past been physically abused.
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Old Yesterday, 01:59 PM
 
5,590 posts, read 2,375,811 times
Reputation: 16694
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laychick View Post
Thanks for the answer. That's still a lot.
I'm going to be nervous when I get married. There might be a short period I might take some precautions till I feel safe and reassured he isn't the type to hit.

It's refreshing whenever I hear about a man that never lay a hand on his wife (even when they've been married for lets say 10+ years) in anger. Chivalry is a wonderful trait in a man but I guess that's rare.

Trust is the bedrock of a marriage. If you do not trust a man to not hit you then you shouldn't marry him. End of story.
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