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Old 08-12-2019, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,243 posts, read 17,572,706 times
Reputation: 42140

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
If the choice is to break up or get engaged, the answer should always be break up. If you're even thinking there's a possibility of breaking up, the last thing you should do is propose marriage. Good heavens.
I agree.


And, you certainly should NOT get married just because her father gave you an ultimatum. Sheesh!

What would you expect your GF (or any woman) to do if your father gave her an ultimatum - either marry my son or break up with him. Obviously, your relationship is not the business of either of your fathers.
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Old Yesterday, 04:06 PM
 
1,230 posts, read 1,365,888 times
Reputation: 1935
You aren't right for each other. Move on, which will give her the same opportunity.
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Old Today, 11:31 AM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,961 posts, read 7,592,349 times
Reputation: 7798
Quote:
Originally Posted by remans View Post
Hello everybody,



I need someone to help me out and provide me some guidance.



I am going to report the situations and feelings that come with it as well as my current questions as authentic as possible.



I know that it will sound offensive from time to time, but I want to draw a picture which is as clear as possible.



I am from Germany and came to the US in September 2015 to write my master thesis. I was not in the best psychological condition as I haven’t had a relationship since my Ex broke up with me back in 2013 and between that only had a couple of one night stands. I felt really lonely, drank alcohol every day and smoked a pack a day.



Something about my aura has changed, as I was not perceived well by anyone who didn’t make the effort to get to know me a little bit better. Everyone who does usually likes me a lot and thus I have many friendships I have cultivated over the years and some even since early childhood. Yet I generally felt as if I was unwanted and not enough. The thesis was another depressing factor and only alcohol and cigarettes have helped me to somehow continue. Eventually I also tried dating and went out with 2 or 3 girls which all turned out to be completely broken too.



On Halloween 2015 I asked for an invite to a party with someone I met in my first months here.



There I met this girl and even though I was the heaviest I have been in 5 years at that time and not even my costume was fitting right, she seemed interested. After we left she asked me if I want to go to another bar with her and so we went. We discovered that be both have out diving license and she was very excited about by past travels. Nothing happened.



I found her on facebook and sent her a friend request. It took about 2 weeks that I was bored with all my tinder and sexting matches that I decided to text her. Texting she was way less confident and was asking about my past, my life, what I’m doing in the Staates, etc.



After a month I asked her if she wanted to go out to the movies with me. She said she couldn’t as she was on a 4 week vacation with her family in the mountains and as she came back, my sister was visiting me and we were travelling too.



So it wasn’t until middle of January till we went out. I was on a hard core diet at the point and had already lost 15 pounds, but was deep in ketosis (I know that know) and feeling really weird and dizzy. I don’t think I was great company, but for some reason she was really attracted, even though she was way better looking than me.



It for some reason when I asked her the next day if she wants to come over to watch a movie she said yes and we made out all night.



The next weekend I felt lots of push and pull when we went out with some of her friends and one of the guys clearly was hitting on her and her as well pushing me by just blowing of one the assumption she would come over one day.



But the dating continued and we went out 3-4 days a week or she came over to my place and she opened up more and more and the more she let me in the more I was able to see a shy and innocent girl with nothing but best intentions. She lost her virginity on me with 26 years after dating for a month. But the connection between the two of us was incredible intense.

I was craving the connection so much and enjoyed every moment. After I finished my master thesis in March I felt even better. We had two full months and spend every waking moment with each other. She was working for her dad and thus had quite some flexibility. I was already realizing some of her flaws though… she had very loose spending habits and had a couple thousand dollars of credit card debt when I first met her. Other than that we didn’t really need anything or anyone, we were having amazing conversations every drive and moment. I met her family we had a blast.



I promised I will come back and got an internship after I would finish my masters program after I was in Germany for 4 month.

Even though I knew I loved here – the temptations back in Germany with newly gained self-confidence were rough and plentiful but I was a good guy.

She came and visited me for 4 weeks and we traveled all over – she met my parents… but the language barrier was a big issue and I know that my mum is disappointed in me not getting a german girlfriend and eventually moving to the US. My dad loves it, I think he thinks its cool thus at least I don’t have to worry about that front

2 months in my internship I was offered a full time position and took that right then and went through some rough times, car issues, problems with co-workers, constant feeling of being excluded and not really having any social connections. At the time I also moved in with her and her mum to help out financially and help her to get out of debt again as she also needed a new car.

We had the two of us but living with her mum, with traditional values (means no sex when she was in the house) was just terrible and made us live more like just good friends. I was also waiting for my visa, therefore it didn’t make sense to find something for myself for the last weeks – which ended up being 5 months.

I came back got my own place with roommates and from then everything started changing. She was still living with her mum, working remotely for her divorced dad (2 weeks from home, 1 week there) and had no financial means and still bad spending habit. At the same time it became obvious that she had no real friends who checked in and even though she is the sweetest girl and nicest person to be around, her lacking self-confidence and social anxiety put her in a bad place. With her as self described introvert and someone who does not like to party it was hard to combine our interests.

My self confidence was boosted and I made new friends quickly, I switched teams at work and started loving my job. I quit smoking still in 2017 and started working out daily in 2018. In 2019 I lost more than 40 pounds (I gained 20 when I stopped smoking and lost them in the summer of 2018 but regained them due to an injury to my knee). In 2018 I broke up with her because I thought I didn’t have any more feelings for her, but when I came by to pick up some things 2 weeks later we had sex and somehow restarted the relationship.



We are jumping to now:



We have been together for 3.5 years now and in January this year her dad pretty much told me that one way or the other I have to make a decision. And everyone is pressuring her and me to get engaged/married. She turns 30 middle of next year – I already did this year.



But I just don’t know what I should do!



I know love her and care for her very much, but on the other hand I have a better time without her. Whenever I hang out with friends she does not want to join and I’m happy about it as she’d likely be offended with me for some reason (most likely drinking…).

At the same time everything she does is driving me crazy and it feels like every single conversation ends up in an argument. I am so disappointed in her that she does not have more drive, that she does not make the effort to find a better job, that she is still living with her mum (to get out of debt due to a dental bill), that she doesn’t overcome her fear to make connections of friends.



On the one hand I feel she needs to turn her life completely and induce change and step up her game and somehow I feel that I should be there for her to support her – as she was for me.

On the other and I think I need to break up with her… There are reasons why we are still not engaged after 3.5 years… I can’t help it but stare at every single attractive woman, I get more satisfaction from porn than I get from my girlfriend.

I have to watch out what I tell her and what I do with whom so she doesn’t get offended. I don’t want to let her down but at the same time it can’t stay like this… She must change and I tell her every day and she will tell me that “she is working on it”. That’s what I’ve been hearing since years now. Her spending habits have improved, but she gained about 15 pounds since she first met me (which I don’t really care, but she is super self- consciousness). My biggest pain point is her lack of drive and determination and the tendency to make the lazy, easy decisions. I get up EVERY single day and do my workout, make my lunch and leave the house. This is when she usually creeps out of bed. I go to work and have volleyball on Tuesdays, other friends where I’m going fishing every other weekend and generally enough social connections (even though I still feel something is not as I was when I was in my teens). When I come home after a day at the office and I ask what she did the day I hear the same answer every day “editing pictures” (that’s her job), but at the same time I know that she is racing through pretty much every single TV show on Netflix and I am just so frustrated.



She tells me that I criticize her too often and need to give her more encouragement - but even if I try - It takes only 5 minutes till something drives me crazy again. She is not true to her own commitments tries to start a diet every Monday and ends it on Tuesday. Makes plans and never follows through and always shows up hours later than she says.



Yet she would never agree that a break up would be a solution. She is living her whole life in fear – every decision she makes is made from this place. Sometimes she wouldn’t even call a restaurant to order food… I don’t know what to do anymore.



She is right I have a very negative opinion about her and almost constantly criticize her, but she must change.



Any suggestions what to do? Professional help? Leave her? Stay with her and just accept her flaws - but how do i do that?

Many thanks in advance!

R.
That awkward moment when somebody quotes the whole post and you scroll all the way down to find a comment which contributes little.
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Old Today, 12:56 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,174 posts, read 12,992,271 times
Reputation: 31658
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
That awkward moment when somebody quotes the whole post and you scroll all the way down to find a comment which contributes little.
I thought the same!!!
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Old Today, 01:49 PM
 
881 posts, read 212,601 times
Reputation: 647
the problems don't 'disappear' just because you get married. take care of the issues first, and see how that's viewed or handled by the other person. you'll have to live with what you don't agree with for that much longer if you get married. or, as the saying goes "when in doubt, leave it out".
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Old Today, 04:08 PM
 
8,059 posts, read 5,122,413 times
Reputation: 13771
OP, first of all, your English is absolutely impeccable! And that's not merely idle compliment, because judging from your epistle, the totality of cultural and personal transformations are expected of you - not of your partner. She goes about her life, American-style, while you're expected to contort and conform.

Second, you may wish to elaborate on what part of the country this is, and what sort of milieu. The pressures that you face, have geographic coloration. To give some context, what is expected in Berlin is starkly different from what's expected in rural Bavaria... concerning "values", marriage and so forth.

Here on this very forum, it is often noted, that marriage is increasingly viewed as being optional, or perhaps even quaint, as it has already been for 1-2 generations in Northern Europe; America is catching up. The point here, is that it should not be the case, that one or another drastic action is required of you. There is also the option of leaving things be, in present state.
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