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Old Today, 01:53 AM
 
2 posts, read 51 times
Reputation: 10

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I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, and next month it will be our one year anniversary. We’re in our late 20s: me 27 him 28. He is my first boyfriend and I am very much in love and happy with him. Despite this, he all of a sudden tells me that he wants to move to North Carolina and asked me to go with him. His reason behind the move is due to the fact that it is expensive to live where we are at now (we both live in California) and he wants to buy a big house with many rooms and a big backyard because at some point he wants to settle down. To add to that he tells me that he doesn't want to live just paycheck to paycheck while he is here in California if he does plan to buy a house. He works as a financial controller, and from what I know he would rather save money and by doing so would prefer going to another state where mortgage is cheaper and yet the pay for his job is still similar to that of what the rate is here in California. He even did his research and told me that there are a lot of healthcare administration jobs for me, around the area where he wants to move to in North Carolina.

And this is where the issue is. My boyfriend just out of nowhere told me this without really consulting me about it. We never sat down and discuss these things and didn't ask me if that's something I would consider. He just assumed that if he moves, that I will follow. He asked me to go with him and adds on " No pressure. Take your time". However, I do feel pressured and I did tell him that. My family is here and there's so many other things that I have to consider. I just finished my training and am about to take my exam to have my nursing home administrators license. I am barely starting my career and there's so many other things that I would like to accomplish before truly settling down. I also told him that even if I do get my license here in California, I still have to take another state exam if I do move with him to North Carolina since there are difference requirements for each state.

I love my boyfriend; however prior to meeting him I've always had a plan for myself and my future. And just because I am now in relationship I'll forgo all of that. I do want to get married and settle down someday and I can see a future with my boyfriend. But looking at the situation right now, it seems impossible because he seems adamant on moving by the end of the year which I think is too soon (mind you he still has to look for a job there and a place to live- he says he will stay with his sister in the meantime until he finds his own place) and I am put in a position where I don't really want to be in. To me, the fate of our relationship truly rests in my decision. I don't want to lose him but it seems like a break up is inevitable in our future. I've also thought of the possibility of a long distance relationship but I don't know if it's something he would want and I'm just worried it won't work.

Thank you for reading this far-it's rather long. I just have so many things on my mind with studying for my exams and I don't know what to do.

Do you have advice or similar experiences to share? Did you have a long distance relationship and how did that work out? Did you have to make a decision like this? Did you end up going or staying? Are you still living together? Are things still going well? Did things change between the two of you?

 
Old Today, 03:45 AM
 
719 posts, read 336,291 times
Reputation: 1550
He made HIS plans. You were not a participant in those plans. Notice ..he did not discuss a future with you in mind ...as in marriage. He dangled the big house in front of you. Wish him well. Make YOUR plans.
 
Old Today, 03:52 AM
 
171 posts, read 92,573 times
Reputation: 531
Even if you decide to follow him, will he still make any future plans for himself without consulting your first?

Just the way he's going about this would make me hesitant about joining him. He should have let you know from the beginning of your relationship what his goals were and which included moving a great distance.
 
Old Today, 04:05 AM
 
12,379 posts, read 13,673,998 times
Reputation: 14435
Let him go.

This will be a good break for the both of you. Also it will help you clear any doubts that you can’t live without him. This will be a good thing.

Give him time to get a job, get settled in that and then when he is looking for a home you can take a vacation week and visit. Let him show you the area, his job location, restuants he has eaten at.

Then the two of you can look at homes together. See if there is anything that appeals to the both of you.

You fly back without a ring and then meditate.
 
Old Today, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Aberdeen
186 posts, read 274,466 times
Reputation: 424
Your answer can be found in your own words. Even after a year, you still look at him as just a boyfriend and he is planning for what is best for what he wants for HIS future. He has not committed to you nor you to him. Sure, you have spent almost a year together, but that isn't really the same is it? If he were committed, he would have sought your opinion or had some "hey, what do you think about..." kinda discussions. If you were committed, you wouldn't have thought twice nor felt the need to ask for advice online.


Do the brave thing and move on... one way or another. Either let him go or have a discussion and the two of you REALLY commit to one another and talk about your future together. Not his future and your future.
 
Old Today, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,230 posts, read 17,564,866 times
Reputation: 42102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mae Maes Garden View Post
He made HIS plans. You were not a participant in those plans. Notice ..he did not discuss a future with you in mind ...as in marriage. He dangled the big house in front of you. Wish him well. Make YOUR plans.
I agree. Let him go. If he really valued you as a person, or as a future wife, he would have discussed all of this with you in advance.
 
Old Today, 07:44 AM
 
1,175 posts, read 273,085 times
Reputation: 2360
Quote:
Originally Posted by Airekaaah View Post
Do you have advice or similar experiences to share? Did you have a long distance relationship and how did that work out? Did you have to make a decision like this? Did you end up going or staying? Are you still living together? Are things still going well? Did things change between the two of you?
I can completely understand how he thinks and feels. This is a tough one. He's got very good, practical reasons for moving. (Out of curiosity, why NC? Why not Denver, Dallas, Houston, PHX, etc? His company have an outfit there and it's just a transfer?) It DOES cost a lot to live in California and you are very LIKELY to make out better in North Carolina. Sounds like you can work there too. Can you handle the weather? It's gray and rainy there in the winter (there's NOTHING like California), but it's not as bad as Buffalo.
You can give it a try and see you how you like it.You can always move back. What have you got to lose?
If you think the relationship is really strong, why not?
 
Old Today, 08:07 AM
 
6,907 posts, read 2,492,579 times
Reputation: 15848
Ummm...he DID consult you.


He didn't tell you "I'm moving next month. I've taken a job with blah blah blah. You're welcome to come with me. Or not."


He's told you what he WANTS to do. He IS talking to you about it. He's laid it out for discussion.
 
Old Today, 08:24 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,169 posts, read 12,987,781 times
Reputation: 31642
I can understand his reasoning. And he IS consulting you.

I went exactly through the same thing, just as a military wife. We were also together for just one year and I was 29.

I followed my ex husband across the ocean to Virginia and never regretted it, even though it did not work out with him. I would follow my love anywhere. Finding a good person you dearly love and get along is very special and rare. I never found a committed person like him ever again. We then moved to SoCal - which for sure is the most wonderful place in the US - but if you aren't wealthy, you have a really hard time here. You get so much more for the money in North Carolina.

A long distance relationship usually only works if it is temporary, I'd say under a year. Anything over a year would be a miracle if it lasts.

If everything is as great between you two as you say, I'd do it. It may be exciting to find a place, decorate, be together in a new environment.

Gas is cheaper, housing too, the nature there is beautiful. You can get a really nice place for a fraction of a California place.
 
Old Today, 08:25 AM
 
393 posts, read 99,310 times
Reputation: 796
Yep the reason he didn't consult you was because he is going to pursue his plan anyway with or without you.

Actually someone pursuing their life goals is normal and it SHOULD be a higher priority over everything else, including current bf/gf. You weren't expecting his plan to involve moving but I bet he didn't know that either when you two started dating. I'm sure he would have been upfront about it on first date (if he knew he wanted to move).


This is a typical consequence of two people dating who are still pursuing career and personal goals before settling down. This happens all the time. One side will need to move or even not move and stop dating anyway. It's a risk one takes getting involved with another romantically, especially when both sides are still pursuing life goals. You must pursue your goal, and he must must pursue his.

I'd tell him something like- "your goal sounds great, I support it and would hate not being together, but I need to stay here at least for now. You go and found out if it's right for you, and if you settle there I hope we are still together and I can join you. But I have no idea I would want to then, I can't say I would now, or later. Right now it's not right for me. But maybe later when I'm more settled."

Like him, you have to put your life goals as a higher priority over a bf/gf relationship. What if you had decided to become an actress and needed to move to LA?

As for forming a healthy relationship, you always love someone so they feel free. This means any relationship you are in. The other side is always free if they need to change, leave, etc. The reason you enter a relationship is to give love, not expect it back like an exchange. It's a healthy relationship when both sides do that. And in any relationship both sides must feel free to change and grow, if that means being apart. All relationships have a start point and all relationships will come to an end (or stop growing).

You always want to be in a relationship that benefits both sides and is always growing so that both sides enjoy the rewards of being in a relationship. That's the purpose of a relationship. It's important to know this so that you can exit a relationship when it's over.
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