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Old Yesterday, 07:40 PM
 
Location: Fairfax, VA
854 posts, read 705,944 times
Reputation: 1001

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Yes.

Signs were the same as you described and it definitely hurt our relationship. It began when she was very young and the sexual, physical and mental/emotional abuse was so ingrained into her psyche that abusive men became her "normal."

Because I was the exact opposite of those men, I was an anomaly that she genuinely loved but could not fully comprehend. Perhaps that is why the rage she felt for her abusers was sometimes directed at me.

Just keep being nice to her. Do not judge her or trivialize her experiences, i.e., never, ever, EVER suggest she needs to "move past it." Its there for life. Never underestimate how fragile she is or pretend to understand what she has gone through.

Be the True Friend she needs, which likely means abandoning any expectation of a romantic relationship. But you can still enjoy a very solid friendship, as long as selfish motives don't get in the way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg78 View Post
If so what signs did they show that it still affected them and did it hurt your relationship?

I’ve been seeing someone who was molested as a child by their uncle and grandfather. She’s a really sweet person but there’s so much baggage because of it.

She gets ptsd a lot and has to disconnect from people for a few days. She gets big mood swings. She says I’m the first person she’s been with whos treated her well and she seems uncomfortable at times with being treated well.

Seems like she was drawn to guys who were verbally abusive to her and dangerous guys like drug dealers.

I don’t know how much more I can take but I feel guilty leaving her because of what she’s been through.
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Old Yesterday, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Fairfax, VA
854 posts, read 705,944 times
Reputation: 1001
Quote:
Originally Posted by tjenkins602 View Post
as someone who has experienced this in some form, it rarely works out in the way you hope. There is a high likelihood that at some point, she is going to run you off. She will probably start toying with you and pushing you to the back while gravitating towards the guys who treat her like crap, and you're going to be hearing about it.
True


Quote:
Originally Posted by tjenkins602 View Post
unfortunately, you are very likely not going to be the one that inspires her to a healthier life with healthy relationships. I guarantee you, she will try, and try very hard, but it'll probably be a lot harder to go the healthy route because she is used to being treated like dirt.
True


Quote:
Originally Posted by tjenkins602 View Post
then at some point, she may turn around and treat you as if you are her worst enemy and all you can do at that point is walk away.
Very Very True


Quote:
Originally Posted by tjenkins602 View Post
as sweet as they are, if they have a streak of bad relationships, they're not that likely to get very close to you. I've been in the same situation. I didn't want to leave her because i felt bad for what she's been through. But trust me on this, if she doesn't want you to leave now, she will want you to leave eventually.
True
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Old Yesterday, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Fairfax, VA
854 posts, read 705,944 times
Reputation: 1001
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcp123 View Post
...She was very sexually aggressive in terms of making the first move, and had by far the highest sex drive of any woman I have ever met..
Yet another noteworthy quality in the one I was involved with.
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Old Yesterday, 09:02 PM
 
6,464 posts, read 6,530,939 times
Reputation: 9808
Yes, I dated 2 men who had been abused. One was a wonderful boyfriend, but the other was too traumatized and was a bit abusive. I think it just depends on the person. Most of my friends have been abused and never talk about it. You’d be surprised by how many men and women hide it and live very well adjusted lives. Therapy and parental support can help tremendously.
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Old Yesterday, 11:45 PM
 
26,280 posts, read 28,724,971 times
Reputation: 25106
Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post
In all fairness, she does have a point. No one is entitled to anything for any reason.
I don't think the poster she was responding to had a sense of entitlement, which is why I think PriscillaVanilla is projecting (aka reading something into it that isn't there).
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Old Today, 12:11 AM
 
8,359 posts, read 6,107,873 times
Reputation: 5950
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I don't think the poster she was responding to had a sense of entitlement, which is why I think PriscillaVanilla is projecting (aka reading something into it that isn't there).
No need to explain. Some people just have agendas. All I was doing was sharing my experience with someone similar to the person described by the OP. I was focused more on the being drawn to abusive people than being raped (thinking about a string of bad relationships).

My whole point was it can be hard to break away from what you're used to. And also something that is "different" is likely to be rejected even if it is "good" or "healthy".

MysticalTyger, it's okay. I appreciate your defense, but a lot of people on the internet in general know what is meant by what is said. They just want to twist things. And nothing you can say can change their minds. Just let me be to them what they need me to be.

And it's not just me this is happening to, others have noticed this as well.

And thank you for actually reading posts and not looking for a word or phrase to turn against someone. Much appreciated.

Last edited by TJenkins602; Today at 12:41 AM..
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Old Today, 03:27 AM
 
93 posts, read 31,573 times
Reputation: 165
I was in your shoes and later married her. It was a mistake. She ended up coping through use of drugs herself which led to promiscuity. She disappeared awhile then I tracked her down. With divorce papers in hand I got her to sign off. She offered herself for "one last round" to which I declined but instead, insisted on taking her to a fast food drive through. She had lost tons of weight and she was petite to begin with. I dropped her off thankful it was over. I would get calls from her occasionally but it's been awhile now since I heard from her. Even before all this, it was as you described. I cant say it was ever better. It's a difficult situation to be in. You would be better off moving on although, I agree, it seems wrong. I could have saved myself alot of stress, time, and money if i only knew my "love" could never undo what was done to her, or at least override it. You sound like a nice guy. I was too. We cant fix this type thing. While every situation is different, either way it's a lifetime she will be carrying this around. Do you want to experience this the rest of your life? Perhaps you can be supportive somehow while not being overly invested. She could get help, if receptive to the idea. Then you can determine if shes serious about getting better and then be more likely a better partner.

To those who have been molested I am extremely sorry for what has been done to you. I wish all of you the best in dealing with the aftermath of your abuse.
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Old Today, 12:27 PM
 
22 posts, read 2,483 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeGuyInFairfax View Post
Yes.

Signs were the same as you described and it definitely hurt our relationship. It began when she was very young and the sexual, physical and mental/emotional abuse was so ingrained into her psyche that abusive men became her "normal."

Because I was the exact opposite of those men, I was an anomaly that she genuinely loved but could not fully comprehend. Perhaps that is why the rage she felt for her abusers was sometimes directed at me.

Just keep being nice to her. Do not judge her or trivialize her experiences, i.e., never, ever, EVER suggest she needs to "move past it." Its there for life. Never underestimate how fragile she is or pretend to understand what she has gone through.

Be the True Friend she needs, which likely means abandoning any expectation of a romantic relationship. But you can still enjoy a very solid friendship, as long as selfish motives don't get in the way.
Yeah it’s a tough situation because deep down she’s a very sweet person but the baggage is just too much right now:

Was your ex flaky at all where she wouldn’t answer texts sometimes or make plans and not stick to them
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Old Today, 12:29 PM
 
22 posts, read 2,483 times
Reputation: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aboom View Post
I was in your shoes and later married her. It was a mistake. She ended up coping through use of drugs herself which led to promiscuity. She disappeared awhile then I tracked her down. With divorce papers in hand I got her to sign off. She offered herself for "one last round" to which I declined but instead, insisted on taking her to a fast food drive through. She had lost tons of weight and she was petite to begin with. I dropped her off thankful it was over. I would get calls from her occasionally but it's been awhile now since I heard from her. Even before all this, it was as you described. I cant say it was ever better. It's a difficult situation to be in. You would be better off moving on although, I agree, it seems wrong. I could have saved myself alot of stress, time, and money if i only knew my "love" could never undo what was done to her, or at least override it. You sound like a nice guy. I was too. We cant fix this type thing. While every situation is different, either way it's a lifetime she will be carrying this around. Do you want to experience this the rest of your life? Perhaps you can be supportive somehow while not being overly invested. She could get help, if receptive to the idea. Then you can determine if shes serious about getting better and then be more likely a better partner.

To those who have been molested I am extremely sorry for what has been done to you. I wish all of you the best in dealing with the aftermath of your abuse.
Yeah mine drinks a lot to mask the pain. It’s tough because she deep down is a very loving person and I care about her a lot but pulls away too much and is volatile way too up and down for me.
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Old Today, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
5,781 posts, read 2,917,681 times
Reputation: 2910
Quote:
Originally Posted by masterchef1 View Post
The advice I wished my parents gave me when I was younger is to look for a wife that is least damaged as possible, like if she has a stable family with her parents still married that would be a bonus. If she suffered sexual molestation or unstable family that would be a negative.
I probably would have not listened anyway but the more problems she had growing up the more problems you are going to have in your relationship.
Now you tell me!
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