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Old 08-13-2019, 08:24 AM
 
19 posts, read 2,099 times
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If so what signs did they show that it still affected them and did it hurt your relationship?

Ive been seeing someone who was molested as a child by their uncle and grandfather. Shes a really sweet person but theres so much baggage because of it.

She gets ptsd a lot and has to disconnect from people for a few days. She gets big mood swings. She says Im the first person shes been with whos treated her well and she seems uncomfortable at times with being treated well.

Seems like she was drawn to guys who were verbally abusive to her and dangerous guys like drug dealers.

I dont know how much more I can take but I feel guilty leaving her because of what shes been through.
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Old 08-13-2019, 08:53 AM
 
3,879 posts, read 1,795,897 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg78 View Post
If so what signs did they show that it still affected them and did it hurt your relationship?

Ive been seeing someone who was molested as a child by their uncle and grandfather. Shes a really sweet person but theres so much baggage because of it.

She gets ptsd a lot and has to disconnect from people for a few days. She gets big mood swings. She says Im the first person shes been with whos treated her well and she seems uncomfortable at times with being treated well.

Seems like she was drawn to guys who were verbally abusive to her and dangerous guys like drug dealers.

I dont know how much more I can take but I feel guilty leaving her because of what shes been through.
I've been in relationships with two women who were sexually abused. I think the first relationship was very difficult due in large part to the ways she coped with the abuse. It ended and it never was especially happy.

The other is good. I think I may have learned something from the failed relationship (FFS I hope so) and I'm older and generally more emotionally healthy myself. She, and in some ways we have reclaimed (emotionally and sexually) some of what was taken from her during the abuse. That's extremely gratifying.
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:00 AM
 
19 posts, read 2,099 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12 View Post
I've been in relationships with two women who were sexually abused. I think the first relationship was very difficult due in large part to the ways she coped with the abuse. It ended and it never was especially happy.

The other is good. I think I may have learned something from the failed relationship (FFS I hope so) and I'm older and generally more emotionally healthy myself. She, and in some ways we have reclaimed (emotionally and sexually) some of what was taken from her during the abuse. That's extremely gratifying.
In what ways did she try to cope with the abuse?
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:36 AM
 
8,592 posts, read 7,212,801 times
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Yes.
The short story:
Signs? Seemingly random moments of anxiety and fear that would pop up surrounding the subject of sex, sexuality and men. This manifested in various behaviors, but for her it was mostly just extreme anger and irrational hate directed towards men.

General anger at me for wanting a sexual relationship with her even if she was the one who initiated having sex. Almost as if sex was just a set up so she could have an emotional outburst or manic moment.
A general anger at men. She would always (literally) blame men when she became unable to cope with her feelings. It could be something as simple and random as a trash bag ripping on her while taking the garbage out and she would find some way to bring it around to how men caused it and be stuck on it days afterwords.

She was just not a good person to be around as a male with your own intentions, agenda and Individualism while trying to have a working relationship with her. Everything was your fault whenever she was unable to manage her anxiety and emotions. It had to be about her at all times or you would risk triggering something in her as man showing any agency for themselves.
I eventually left the relationship over her inability want to seek help for herself. She was aware she had issues, but refused to seek help because she did not feel therapy could work with her. She felt that growing up in a broken home had made her unable to relate to people and that’s just how life was going to be for her.

Her negativity sucked any willingness to work with her out of me.
The way she was choosing to cope by looking for blame to justify her anger swallowed any happiness that could have existed.
When I told her it was my intention to leave our relationship it instantly vilified me in her eyes as just another guy who used her. I was every bad thing under the sun to her, yet she continued to try and contact me years after we had spilt to reconcile.

Last edited by rego00123; 08-13-2019 at 10:02 AM..
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:39 AM
 
3,879 posts, read 1,795,897 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg78 View Post
In what ways did she try to cope with the abuse?
One ate and drank to numb her emotions. She was very possessive at times. That possessiveness and some of the ugly behavior it prompted drove me away, but the drinking would have eventually.

The other person needs time alone. She thinks and writes or sometimes does some kind of project. She seems refreshed afterward. I'm a hard core introvert, so her need for "me time" fits my temperament well.

We also talk, really talk, about what she went through. I have feelings about what happened to her, but during these talks I keep them to myself and let the focus be on her. Again, for me this is no chore, at least not with this woman. Obviously, we didn't start our relationship talking about this heavy stuff. We built trust, both ways given my bad earlier experience, and that led to good things.

I should say that even comparing relatively good times in the two relationships, I'm crazy in love with the second woman in a way I never was with the first. I'm sure that made a difference in various ways.
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Old 08-13-2019, 09:54 AM
 
13,390 posts, read 25,710,728 times
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I've worked in the psych field for many years and I know a lot of people (men and women) who experienced such abuse.

I strongly believe that professional help is always a good thing. I do find that men are less likely to seek it.
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Old 08-13-2019, 10:33 AM
 
8,343 posts, read 6,103,982 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg78 View Post
If so what signs did they show that it still affected them and did it hurt your relationship?

Ive been seeing someone who was molested as a child by their uncle and grandfather. Shes a really sweet person but theres so much baggage because of it.

She gets ptsd a lot and has to disconnect from people for a few days. She gets big mood swings. She says Im the first person shes been with whos treated her well and she seems uncomfortable at times with being treated well.

Seems like she was drawn to guys who were verbally abusive to her and dangerous guys like drug dealers.

I dont know how much more I can take but I feel guilty leaving her because of what shes been through.
My question is...who hasn't? If anyone told me that everyone in the world has been sexually abused...I'd believe it...


Okay, okay. On a serious note


As someone who has experienced this in some form, it rarely works out in the way you hope. There is a high likelihood that at some point, she is going to run you off. She will probably start toying with you and pushing you to the back while gravitating towards the guys who treat her like crap, and you're going to be hearing about it.

Unfortunately, you are very likely not going to be the one that inspires her to a healthier life with healthy relationships. I guarantee you, she will try, and try very hard, but it'll probably be a lot harder to go the healthy route because she is used to being treated like dirt.

Then at some point, she may turn around and treat you as if you are her worst enemy and all you can do at that point is walk away.

Typically, this can only be overcome with the help of a professional, if it can even be overcome. There's likely a lot of issues with self esteem. She likely does not think she deserve to be treated well or even fairly.

As sweet as they are, if they have a streak of bad relationships, they're not that likely to get very close to you. I've been in the same situation. I didn't want to leave her because I felt bad for what she's been through. But trust me on this, if she doesn't want you to leave now, she will want you to leave eventually.

The woman I talked to couldn't deal with being treated like anything other than the crap on someone's shoe. I treated her like a human being and she ran me off (I was far from perfect, but I put in my best effort).
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Old 08-13-2019, 05:05 PM
YAZ
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
7,095 posts, read 11,902,175 times
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I can relate.

A gal I truly loved was abused by her stepfather.

She worked a babysitting job as a side gig and would NOT allow me around the young boy.

This is a woman I was about to marry.

Couldn't do it.

No trust with any man, on her end.

This is how monsters ruin others' lives.
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Old 08-13-2019, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,011 posts, read 3,839,954 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602 View Post

The woman I talked to couldn't deal with being treated like anything other than the crap on someone's shoe. I treated her like a human being and she ran me off (I was far from perfect, but I put in my best effort).
But you should treat everyone like a human being. Right?

Just because a woman has been abused doesn't mean she has to show un-ending gratitude towards someone who treats her like a human being. Or remain in a relationship with a man who treats her like a human.

This right here is the reason I've never told anyone I was raped. I see now that I made the right decision not to. Men would see me as "damaged goods" and expect me to just be grateful they were acting decent towards me.
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Old 08-13-2019, 05:18 PM
 
3,920 posts, read 1,531,967 times
Reputation: 7691
"If so what signs did they show that it still affected them and did it hurt your relationship?"
signs: drug abuse and talking in her sleep.
hurt: not much. just a summer "thing".
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