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Old 08-19-2019, 03:57 AM
3,208 posts, read 1,618,557 times
Reputation: 3336


You have a problem. And your solution requires another person to solve that problem. That is going to be tough.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:12 AM
Location: a primitive state
9,930 posts, read 20,271,849 times
Reputation: 12550
Hire a lawyer. Your life will be easier if you get a divorce. Have the mother’s home declared unsafe and get primary custody. Insist that your former home be sold. Live in a two bedroom apartment.

By the time you get these things done, your child will be old enough for preschool. You’ll just have to be a single dad.

As for the PTSD and anxiety, you have therapists to help you. Take your meds to keep yourself stable. Don’t drink.

Good luck.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:12 AM
2,206 posts, read 1,732,619 times
Reputation: 2796
You don't have to live with a hoarder. It's not your fault and probably not hers either (it can run in family, as you suggested). Making a decision to breakup a family is difficult, which is why I can understand why you've taken "steps" in the process by first moving to different level of home. "At least daughter would still live in same household with both parents" is what I imagined you told yourself initially. But you can't always make decisions where what you want/need is always secondary.

You may want to document your living conditions (preferably you already did before the storage) for evidence in any possible court proceeding.

Good for you in seeking counselling, at least you're making an effort. I would only ask that you not get angry with wife as if she's purposefully making bad choices. She's suffering from an illness, one that you and her may not be able to overcome.

Good luck.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:24 AM
Location: USA
18,772 posts, read 9,186,556 times
Reputation: 14112
Talk to a divorce attorney in your state that knows the state's divorce laws. Develop a strategy that will be best for you and your daughter with that information. There are many factors that are important. Many are financial, and also influence custody. Don't move out until you talk to an attorney, and understand the ramifications of that.

She's not going to change. She may for a short time to appease you, then will backslide into her old habits.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:36 AM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,901 posts, read 42,504,417 times
Reputation: 84779
AJ, was this not concerning to you BEFORE you married her?

Originally Posted by Aj86 View Post

Her grandmother is a hoarder, her mom is a hoarder ...

I mean, it couldn't have come out of nowhere.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:46 AM
Location: Coastal Georgia
37,330 posts, read 46,031,756 times
Reputation: 62157
Originally Posted by SVTLightning View Post
Just move. Establish yourself on your own then get custody of your child.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:54 AM
Location: Northern Wisconsin
8,995 posts, read 7,829,068 times
Reputation: 15526
Simple solution. Take hold of the finances. Cut up credit cards, quit giving her money to buy junk. Or, you could take over charge of the stuff. She'll probably go nuts and kick you out. Set up housekeeping, file for divorce and custody, and child support.

My guess is that your ptsd is a result of feeling and being treated like a slave.
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:56 AM
Location: State of Transition
79,276 posts, read 71,501,611 times
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Does she work, and earn her own money? If so, you can't take control of the finances to stop the hoarding.

She listened to you enough to clear some of the junk out. Maybe she'll listen to you further, if you insist she get professional help. Meds can alleviate obsessive-compulsive behavior. I don't know if that's true, when hoarding runs in the family, though. Maybe the others here are right, that rather than hold out false hope that she'll change, you should start making plans for a divorce, and make a clean break of it. Maybe a divorce and the loss of custody of her child will cause her to "hit bottom", and realize she has a problem. Or it may not.

So, as others have said, see a lawyer to find out what your options are, and to work out a plan. Photograph the clutter, to document the problem, in support of the argument that the mother can't maintain a safe, clean home for the child. Your lawyer can advise on this as well.

I can't imagine how you'll succeed in clearing out the home to put it up for sale, though, or how to proceed with a home sale with a reluctant partner. State laws usually state that a partner or co-owner can't prevent a sale if the other co-owner wants to cash out, but getting her out of there will be a challenging project. Your lawyer may have some ideas on how to achieve that.

Regarding PTSD, do a search for counselors that specialize in trauma and offer a technique called EMDR. It's a very efficient and effective way of treating and resolving the PTSD. If none of your counselors have resolved your PTSD in all this time, you need to find one who can. With EMDR, it only takes a few sessions.

Please give us an update when you've consulted with a lawyer. Often, the first consult is free, btw, if that helps.
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:44 AM
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,523 posts, read 13,040,035 times
Reputation: 31353
Originally Posted by SVTLightning View Post
Just move. Establish yourself on your own then get custody of your child.
Get plenty of pictures of the mess in the house for when you go to court for custody. Show them the unhealthy conditions
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Old 08-19-2019, 10:12 AM
Location: Northern Virginia
5,142 posts, read 5,474,743 times
Reputation: 12713
Originally Posted by Aj86 View Post
First off, the wife and I are not doing well in our relationship. Many factors have contributed to it and honestly it doesn't look good. I have been doing therapy for about two years. I apparently have PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some of this is due to the amount of crap she has in the house and how much it drives me crazy. When your countertops have so much stuff on them that you can't put you plate on them to cut up your steak there's a problem. I did bring this to her attention about three months ago after I changed councelors. She suggested I need to make a move. Now, this counselor says my wife is the the one who should be doing counceling. My councelor claims that I likely wouldn't be in the situation I am in if the wife wasn't doing or living the way she has. So i said somethint to the wife. She admitted it was pretty bad. The rest of the house was a complete disaster too. Most of it was her's. I don't like to keep things that aren't needed. Her grandmother is a hoarder, her mom is a hoarder and she is a hoarder. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter together, I am determined to brake that chain and keep my daughter from becoming like that. My counselor put it into perspective that the way the wife lives could likely effect how my daughter developes and could cause issues in the future.

So the wife did get rid of a lot of stuff or moved it to her mom's or in a storage unit. Frankly I don't want to know. It still isn't enough and I am still very unhappy. I'm afraid I am pass the point of no return. Wife and I haven't slept in the same bed in 8 to 10 months. Sex isn't in the picture either. Last few times we did I felt awkward and not satisfied. I feel awkward just being close to her let alone coming in contact with her in one form or another. We don't talk hardly any either. She's not a bad person I just can't be happy around/with her. She is passive-aggressive as well. I feel she takes advantage of my "niceness" often and I submit to it. My counselor has stated this. So I am asking for help because I know I need it. I want to know what everyone else's feels or would do, male and female perspectives would be great. Ask anything that would help you help me. Thanks

OP, you say that many factors contribute to the failing of your marriage and your mental health. Yet I see you focusing only on one aspect (the hoarding) and placing the blame primarily on your wife. There are circumstances where one spouses actions can destroy a marriage but, IMO, it's more common for the blame to be shared of a failed marriage.

OP - Is your wife a true hoarder or is that an exaggeration? Currently, is your daughter's physical well being at risk because of the hoarding?

Do you love your wife? Do you want to make the marriage work because you love her? If the answer is "No, I'm done", then confidentially speak with an attorney about legal separation, divorce, and custody.

If the answer is "yes", you need to convey to her that your marriage is in crisis and you want marriage counseling.
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