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Old Yesterday, 04:20 AM
 
4,178 posts, read 1,791,724 times
Reputation: 8493

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aj86 View Post
Clara, I don't disagree that my issues have an effect on our marriage. They just seem to become more drastic when she's around. She likes to live in chaos. I have to have organization. She can't multitask any nor do most single tasks efficiently. I can do two load of dishes three loads of laundry cook dinner and clean the house up all while both my kids are here. I'm not sure why I can do it and she can't. There are things/habits she has/does that I sware she does them because she knows they irritate me. Some of them are just childish. Some could be subconscious.

I have told her she has a problem and suggested and asked her to seek help. She doesn't think she has a problem. So now I feel like I'm the only one getting help to work on the problems. Frankly, I'm not happy at all. I'm burn out, emotionally fatigued, and just have a strong desire to start over on myself but I can't seem to do it with her around.
It may be that the kids act different around your wife alone than they do when you are around. I have some friends who say their children are especially needy around them, so it makes it difficult for them to get anything done. I have one friend who would love to live in a clean house. Her house is just like you mention. No one will help her clean. Her kids pester her incessantly but not so much her husband. Like other people, I think you are just placing too much blame on your wife. The problem needs to be approached as an entire family, not just as one person. If everyone in the group isnít on board, it is not going to get better.
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Old Yesterday, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Phila
463 posts, read 862,807 times
Reputation: 526
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
AJ, you seem to be blaming your wife for everything that's gone wrong in your marriage, but it seems to me you came in to this marriage with enough issues to make it almost impossible for you to be successful.

You're blaming your wife for "triggering" your previous difficult issues.

It seems to me, that she might be the easier partner to live with and get along with.

And now you have a child in the mix. :-/

Honestly, it seems her issues of being a hoarder aren't as difficult to overcome as your issues with PTSD and your complete disdain of your wife.

Best wishes. Hopefully, somehow, against all odds you two can come together and work out a plan to raise your child in a healthy home.
Well said.


My last relationship ended, in part, to similar issues. My ex was a bit OCD (her father was very OCD). I'm not the tidiest person in the world, but I'm not a complete slob either and don't like filth, but she got so emotional over such trivial matters (things on counter, coats on a chair, items in a corner of the room, etc). Wanted to blame me, refused to look in the mirror ever. Affected other parts of relationship (had good sex, affection, activities together etc). It was always her way or the highway. We are still friends and I still do love her despite the breakup. I came from living with a woman previously who was a real slob...clothes all over the floor, never cleaned up after herself in the kitchen, did little to help around the house. Left dirty glasses, bowls, candy wrappers on the bedside table for weeks/months growing mold in them (even dirty mugs in the drawers when she ran out of room)...so you see I went from one extreme to another. Sadly, we didn't work it out. Some other minor factors, but nothing that couples usually break up about. Zero issues with fidelity, money, abuse, booze/drugs, etc. It's really sad.



OP should seeh therapy, admit there's issues that may be his own fault and ask for support from spouse. Learn to compromise.
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Old Yesterday, 09:33 AM
 
12 posts, read 3,249 times
Reputation: 30
I am seeking help and getting it. Have been for a couple years now. I have asked her to get help but she thinks I'm the one with the issues. I have told her what I needed to "live and be happy." Sadly, I don't feel happy with her. She started on it but i also predicted she would start on it but not finish or follow through and that has become the reality. She don't think she need help. All this is why I gave her the ultimatum because I love life and want to live it happy and be proud of it but I can feel "free" in this atmosphere.

I plan to talk to my counselor about it this evening but I feel that I am getting to point of being "just done." I've already started to sell off most of my stuff and likely selling off lots of other things just to free up space, make money, make things easier if that path is taken.
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Old Yesterday, 10:12 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,277 posts, read 71,501,611 times
Reputation: 77544
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aj86 View Post
Clara, I don't disagree that my issues have an effect on our marriage. They just seem to become more drastic when she's around. She likes to live in chaos. I have to have organization. She can't multitask any nor do most single tasks efficiently. I can do two load of dishes three loads of laundry cook dinner and clean the house up all while both my kids are here. I'm not sure why I can do it and she can't. There are things/habits she has/does that I sware she does them because she knows they irritate me. Some of them are just childish. Some could be subconscious.
.
OP, the fact that she can't stay focussed on even one task, let along two or more, seems to be related to her inability to maintain order in the home. Either she's just plain lazy, which I doubt, or there's a glitch in her thinking process, that prevents her from thinking in a linear fashion, or from sticking with a task. Maybe she has undiagnosed Attention-Deficit Disorder, or some other disorder.

She should be evaluated by a professional. If, as you say, she grew up in a home and extended family, where clutter and chaos were the norm, she may well believe that the way she lives is normal. She may honestly believe she doesn't have a problem, because her environment has always been as it is now, and her role models growing up modeled this type of "housekeeping".
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Old Yesterday, 10:25 AM
 
13,049 posts, read 10,112,525 times
Reputation: 16589
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aj86 View Post
I am seeking help and getting it. Have been for a couple years now. I have asked her to get help but she thinks I'm the one with the issues. I have told her what I needed to "live and be happy." Sadly, I don't feel happy with her. She started on it but i also predicted she would start on it but not finish or follow through and that has become the reality. She don't think she need help. All this is why I gave her the ultimatum because I love life and want to live it happy and be proud of it but I can feel "free" in this atmosphere.

I plan to talk to my counselor about it this evening but I feel that I am getting to point of being "just done." I've already started to sell off most of my stuff and likely selling off lots of other things just to free up space, make money, make things easier if that path is taken.
Leave Her. You know that is what you want to do. It is all well and good to try and try for your relationship. But what you are getting is tough luck dude, I don't care from her. You don't have to be miserable for the rest of your life.
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Old Yesterday, 10:26 AM
 
13,049 posts, read 10,112,525 times
Reputation: 16589
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, the fact that she can't stay focussed on even one task, let along two or more, seems to be related to her inability to maintain order in the home. Either she's just plain lazy, which I doubt, or there's a glitch in her thinking process, that prevents her from thinking in a linear fashion, or from sticking with a task. Maybe she has undiagnosed Attention-Deficit Disorder, or some other disorder.

She should be evaluated by a professional. If, as you say, she grew up in a home and extended family, where clutter and chaos were the norm, she may well believe that the way she lives is normal. She may honestly believe she doesn't have a problem, because her environment has always been as it is now, and her role models growing up modeled this type of "housekeeping".
All of this is likely true. But truth does not help when she will not investigate this herself. She won't bring herself to be evaluated by a professional.
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Old Yesterday, 10:37 AM
Status: "Now I know how Joan of Arc felt ..." (set 14 days ago)
 
Location: Boulder, CO
545 posts, read 169,202 times
Reputation: 1014
OP, take it from a guy that has been there … when your child starts school, the clutter will increase five-fold. If you think there isn't space on the counter to stir your Chef Boy-ar-dee now, just wait until the mounds of artwork and paper start to build up … assignments, permission slips, invitations to birthday parties, school forms, PTA handouts, county booklets, newsletters … stacks and stacks of paper everywhere you look.

Scrambling as the bus pulls up, outside, trying to find that one slip of paper that will let you child take part in some nature activity or field trip in a mountain of mess … *sigh* been there. I tried to have a bulletin board to pin up permission slips and party invites, but it failed miserably.

Depresses me just thinking about it.
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Old Yesterday, 11:07 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,277 posts, read 71,501,611 times
Reputation: 77544
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADogNamedSam View Post
OP, take it from a guy that has been there … when your child starts school, the clutter will increase five-fold. If you think there isn't space on the counter to stir your Chef Boy-ar-dee now, just wait until the mounds of artwork and paper start to build up … assignments, permission slips, invitations to birthday parties, school forms, PTA handouts, county booklets, newsletters … stacks and stacks of paper everywhere you look.

Scrambling as the bus pulls up, outside, trying to find that one slip of paper that will let you child take part in some nature activity or field trip in a mountain of mess … *sigh* been there. I tried to have a bulletin board to pin up permission slips and party invites, but it failed miserably.

Depresses me just thinking about it.
This gives me an idea. The only way to make this work is for the OP to either get his own place for himself and the child, or build a studio in the back yard, that would be off-limits to his wife, where he can keep the child's paperwork organized, keep a study corner for her, and maintain a clutter-free refuge for himself. I guess he already has that to some extent, in his basement man-cave, but it would be nice for the child to have a sunny play and study space... OK, not too realistic, I know. And she will eventually start wondering why daddy lives in the basement, while in her friends' homes, mommy and daddy live together.

OP, please get back to us re: what the lawyer advises, once you see one. There's no time like the present, you know.
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Old Yesterday, 12:50 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,177 posts, read 13,021,527 times
Reputation: 31673
It seems like you both have issues (I could not live with a hoarder either, so I see your point). Frankly, it doesn't matter at this point because you are very clear in your statement that you don't like to be around her.



I am all for fighting for a relationship but I think that ship has sailed. Get a good attorney to figure out your options. I am sorry it isn't working out for you.
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Old Today, 08:59 AM
 
12 posts, read 3,249 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
This gives me an idea. The only way to make this work is for the OP to either get his own place for himself and the child, or build a studio in the back yard, that would be off-limits to his wife, where he can keep the child's paperwork organized, keep a study corner for her, and maintain a clutter-free refuge for himself. I guess he already has that to some extent, in his basement man-cave, but it would be nice for the child to have a sunny play and study space... OK, not too realistic, I know. And she will eventually start wondering why daddy lives in the basement, while in her friends' homes, mommy and daddy live together.

OP, please get back to us re: what the lawyer advises, once you see one. There's no time like the present, you know.

I am seeing my attorney on Friday to get some legal information and advice. If it goes to splitting I want ro be prepared.
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