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Old 08-19-2019, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan
2,113 posts, read 3,607,896 times
Reputation: 2082

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It's nothing to do with fear about telling her what I want I just don't want her to feel bad for trying to make me feel better.
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,201 posts, read 42,737,828 times
Reputation: 85516
Quote:
Originally Posted by topher5150 View Post

... she sees some one hurting and she's got to try and fix it.
Does she not understand that forcing a party is NOT fixing the problem?? That it could be making things worse for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by topher5150 View Post
I don't that I am having a pity-party, but it makes a guy feel kind of crummy not having to many people in my circle.
This ^^ is a separate issue for YOU to deal with. If you aren't happy with your social circle, you can do things to change that.

It's past time for you to look your wife in the eye and say something like, "I know you want to make me feel great about my birthday, but I do not enjoy the parties and want to do something else this year. I feel too self-conscious to have a lot of people over, and I think you and I should just do something together. While I do appreciate your efforts in the past, please don't plan any more parties for my birthday."

Then let her know how you WOULD like her to celebrate you going forward.
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:28 AM
Status: "You don't...have...to live like a refugee." (set 11 hours ago)
 
2,081 posts, read 1,009,805 times
Reputation: 5748
Quote:
Originally Posted by topher5150 View Post
It's nothing to do with fear about telling her what I want I just don't want her to feel bad for trying to make me feel better.
Which in turn makes YOU feel bad, hence the thread. Just grin and bear it, I guess.
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
5,148 posts, read 5,501,246 times
Reputation: 12770
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's past time for you to look your wife in the eye and say something like, "I know you want to make me feel great about my birthday, but I do not enjoy the parties and want to do something else this year. I feel too self-conscious to have a lot of people over, and I think you and I should just do something together. While I do appreciate your efforts in the past, please don't plan any more parties for my birthday."

Then let her know how you WOULD like her to celebrate you going forward.
I agree with BB. You need to communicate exactly how you feel. Don't say "I'd rather not...." say firmly "I understand your intentions are good but I don't want...". You can be firm while being kind at the same time. And she needs to understand that you mean what you say.

You should also be able to tell her why you don't want a party, and she should be willing to hear you out and follow your wishes.
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:41 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,579 posts, read 13,074,228 times
Reputation: 31544
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
So, for next birthday just plan a short trip for just two of you.
Tell her you don't want parties and that you want to spend Your day different now.

If you "cheerfully" participate in those b-day parties, your wife thinks you are enjoying them. You NEED to TELL her that you don't want them anymore. Don't expect others to read your mind.
Better than that, but this will really make her mad, for a while, as soon as you hear of the party plans, plan YOU a short trip somewhere with departure time that afternoon of the day of the party. Maybe if the person the party is for doesn't show up, she'll get the hint?
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Canada
232 posts, read 117,182 times
Reputation: 797
Quote:
Originally Posted by kygman View Post
Better than that, but this will really make her mad, for a while, as soon as you hear of the party plans, plan YOU a short trip somewhere with departure time that afternoon of the day of the party. Maybe if the person the party is for doesn't show up, she'll get the hint?
Haha! I was thinking the exact same thing .
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Old 08-19-2019, 10:13 AM
 
21,351 posts, read 17,004,037 times
Reputation: 39824
Quote:
Originally Posted by topher5150 View Post
Not every year but usually I shoot it down before she gets a chance to plan anything, but this year she snuck past my radar.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elnina View Post
So, for next birthday just plan a short trip for just two of you.
Tell her you don't want parties and that you want to spend Your day different now.

If you "cheerfully" participate in those b-day parties, your wife thinks you are enjoying them. You NEED to TELL her that you don't want them anymore. Don't expect others to read your mind.
This^. OP if you grumpily just shoot down party and offer no alternative and make out like you’re just going to be a sourpuss she’s going to feel compelled to keep trying a way to make it better for you. That’s love. So offer that way from the get-go.
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Old 08-19-2019, 10:14 AM
 
21,351 posts, read 17,004,037 times
Reputation: 39824
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceira View Post
Haha! I was thinking the exact same thing .
That’s mean.
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Old 08-19-2019, 03:12 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,941 posts, read 20,306,460 times
Reputation: 12574
So do you feel bad about your birthday or that you don’t have many friends who come to the party?

As far as parties go, I’ve discovered that fewer than half of all invitees will show up, even if they say they’re planning to. So if you invite ten, five will be there.

Sit down dinner parties usually have better attendance rates, but I wouldn’t plan one for a birthday.
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:16 PM
 
4,228 posts, read 1,825,344 times
Reputation: 8627
Quote:
Originally Posted by topher5150 View Post
To say I am my own worst critic is to true. My 30th birthday had a lot of people back out, and she ended up having to convince some people to show up.
I tell her that I'd rather not have anything for my birthday, but her being her I don't think she can help herself when she sees someone hurting or in need. Usually she's pretty good at respecting things like this, but like i said she sees some one hurting and she's got to try and fix it.
I don't that I am having a pity-party, but it makes a guy feel kind of crummy not having to many people in my circle.
So if she wants to plan SOMETHING, why don’t you give her an idea of something you’d like to do that involves the two of you. Can you go on a weekend away, to a concert, baseball/football/[insert other type of] game, or to some other activity that you wouldn’t normally do?
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