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Old 08-20-2019, 06:17 AM
 
7 posts, read 2,154 times
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I believe the root is from either his ego and/or he wants to lead me to believe he is financially responsible so we can live together.
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Old 08-20-2019, 06:19 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,076 posts, read 42,651,633 times
Reputation: 85250
Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
It makes me mad and then it makes me really sad....I keep trusting him b/c I know we love each other and enjoy our company together but then you're right, I look like an idiot for tolerating this.
Even if he is lying for what he considers some supposedly "justifiable" root cause, any love you may have for him does not require you to tolerate his unhealthy coping mechanisms. He's not allowed to take advantage of your love simply because he can't get his **** together.

Lying is NOT love. Do not sacrifice your own self worth to serve as a crutch for someone who has none.
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Old 08-20-2019, 06:25 AM
 
2,455 posts, read 864,604 times
Reputation: 6220
Dealbreaker, Trust me on this. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

In general, I get people I can't trust out of my life, It makes it SO much easier because I don't have to wonder if someone is telling me the truth.

And for heaven's sake, don't move in with him unless you trust him 100%. Since you have an adult son I'm guessing you're not thinking of having a baby with him so there's no hurry- except maybe on HIS part. My second husband and I lived apart for 6 years before we were married- we spent plenty of nights at each others' places but I had a teenage son and he'd just come out of a long-term relationship that died a natural death and we lived maybe 20 minutes away from each other. (Teenage son went to a boarding school for HS- I never left him alone overnight.) And I trusted him!
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Old 08-20-2019, 06:28 AM
 
13,181 posts, read 10,151,628 times
Reputation: 16683
"Justifying" is excusing so as to be able to continue the behavior. Your son feels uncomfortable about whom? You don't share information about your SO with your son? And your SO thinks this is a bad thing?

A few thoughts, for what they are worth. I lived in a marriage where the "reasons" for bad behavior, including lying and lawyeristic adherence to literal "truth" among other things was waaayy more important than addressing the bad behavior itself. Things like comparing something I did was a (subconscious) means of simply not having to face things HE did.

You sound like you are trying to be reasonable. ANd that is great. But it sounds like he is trying to use that to reason his way into being able to allow feelings like shame (in my husband's case fear) to overwhelm and overcome his ability to access his integrity.

Don't Play. If he does not want to access integrity, he won't.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:14 PM
 
714 posts, read 222,207 times
Reputation: 1953
Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
If you loved your SO and you believe they do too, would you leave them if they had a habit of lying about certain things, such as money? Would it make a difference if both don't live together? Even if the lying has no direct impact on you, does it make them less reliable overall or worse (a bad person, etc.)?
Hmmm. This seems to a quite the conundrum amongst our posters, this tale of boyfriends who cannot manage money and want to guilt their girlfriends who are financially secure and close to retirement age into allowing them to live with them.

The same general words of advice apply to you, O.P. just as most of us have advised other O.P.s with the same concern: trust your own gut instincts and those of your daughter (and perhaps your son, too) and do not either let this man live in your home or marry him. He's a proven liar and grifter. Permit him to move in with you and the lying *will* have a direct effect on you.

Love does not conquer all. Seeing as you've been together as a couple as long as you have living apart, why not continue to do so? There's absolutely no need to allow him to move in with you.
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Old 08-21-2019, 03:58 AM
 
13,181 posts, read 10,151,628 times
Reputation: 16683
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Even if he is lying for what he considers some supposedly "justifiable" root cause, any love you may have for him does not require you to tolerate his unhealthy coping mechanisms. He's not allowed to take advantage of your love simply because he can't get his **** together.

Lying is NOT love. Do not sacrifice your own self worth to serve as a crutch for someone who has none.
This. This is right.
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Old 08-21-2019, 02:58 PM
 
11,975 posts, read 2,963,284 times
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If you're just dating, their money and how they spend it is none of your business. And vice versa.
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Old 08-21-2019, 03:12 PM
 
714 posts, read 222,207 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PilgrimsProgress View Post
If you're just dating, their money and how they spend it is none of your business. And vice versa.
The only time that it becomes a romantic partner's business when dating is when the spendthrift partner attempts to figuratively put his or her hands into the other's wallet or purse as this O.P.'s (and the partners of several others who regularly post here with a curiously similar stories and similarly alliterative posting monikers) does.

He expects her to take him into her home and pay less than he is currently paying. He has, in the past and quite likely currently, taken money from her in order to pay for vacations and gifts for his family while claiming credit for his generosity-when in fact she paid for the gifts and good times. He stole money from a previous employer, so he has a proven track record of not being good with money, to say the least. A person who is in touch with her gut instincts would keep dating him if she so chose, but would also keep him in his current living situation and not bring him into her home as a husband or live-in partner.

The thing is, our O.P. permits him to continually treat her this way all the while bemoaning "oh, it's so hard to find a loving partner at my age even though the one that I have (and we love each other sooooo very much!) is mildly verbally abusive when I don't give into his demands when it comes to *my* money, letting him move into *my* house, and being upfront about my relationship with my man with my son and daughter as this man sets off their b.s. meter and mine, but I am willing to ignore the flags waving furiously in front of my face because I'm afraid of being alone."
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Old 08-21-2019, 10:07 PM
 
359 posts, read 224,154 times
Reputation: 513
Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
If you loved your SO and you believe they do too, would you leave them if they had a habit of lying about certain things, such as money? Would it make a difference if both don't live together? Even if the lying has no direct impact on you, does it make them less reliable overall or worse (a bad person, etc.)?

Literally exactly that is what just happened to me... I loved her enough to put up with it for 12 years and then SHE dumped ME over it...


It's a long long story, but my strong opinion now is that if she's lying to you about money, she's lying to you about other stuff too.. Bolt immediately. I wish I had even half of my 30s back to go date agan, but like you, I thought I was being honorable by trying to help her and stand by her side. Nope, just stupid.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:23 AM
 
7 posts, read 2,154 times
Reputation: 10
I appreciate what everyone has said but now I have another problem (nightmare):

so I was ready to break up last night but without yelling and explaining that I've put up with the lying and promises not to lie only to be lied to again and again. When I started to say what I wanted to he IMMEDIATELY STOPPED ME and this is what happened:

at first he said he was remaining calm and told me he knew he wasn't going to the beach with my family next week (he went last year and it was sort of ugly b/c of the bad feelings between my son and him) and I felt trapped about how I was going to tell my son my bf was coming so I planned to break up with him right before. He then brings me a note he wrote supposedly a few weeks ago which said that "[My bf name} will not be going to the beach because {my name} can't deal with her son's opposition."

He said he wrote the note last month b/c he predicted I'd do this. We have gone through similar times where right before a family event I do break up with him but that's because I just didn't want him to be with me at a big event as a result of lying he had be doing right before (again).

I did invite my family (not son though) to my home last month and he was invited the whole time and we all spent time together.

After giving me the note, he started yelling at me about old stories of how I didn't take him to this or that because I was ashamed to be with him (not sure why he thought that) and he went on and on and every time I tried telling him my son is not the root cause but rather its his lack of trustworthiness and honesty, he denied it. He also said his money will never be my business because he's decided to continue to live on his own (that's news to me).

He brought up other times when I was seeing others and he accused me of taking them on a trip (which I did b/c we were not going along at the time) - he said he really resents me for that!!! He asked me if I had sex with the other person I took and what kind of sex and asked all sorts of details...I tried to change the subject but he wouldn't let me yelling at me the whole time.

He further kept on yelling "I'm doing you a favor and you can breadth easy now and have a great time at the beach!!!" said that many times. But then said:

How about if I come down and surprise you with your son and family there - what would you do he asks? Just say "hi" or invite me to stay on the beach and/or go to dinner???? Really???

Next he gave me a hug and said "I love your new curves but most men won't". I gained some weight over the last 2 years but I'm still a "normal" size.

During some of this conversation, he started pushing on my shoulders around the table and I told him to stop, which he eventually did.

Finally, as for the recent lies he told, he said it could have waited until we got back from the beach and I only was doing it to avoid him coming with my family.

As a PS he called and said we aren't really breaking up...if anyone asks, tell them he couldn't come b/c of his work; also, he wants to take me to a nice dinner this weekend and we aren't breaking up.

What do I do now???? Is he right; should I have acted differently? btw, he knows I'm currently coping with one of my best friends dying from cancer and my sister told me last night she may have it too and he knows all of this.

Another PS: Before this happened last night, I caught him in another lie: he went to the liquor store yesterday and when I asked him what he did on his day off, he mentioned things but not the liquor store; I also mentioned he had no liquor left at my home and he said he'd pick some up at some point.
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