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Old 08-22-2019, 05:31 AM
 
13,181 posts, read 10,151,628 times
Reputation: 16683

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So. You may be culpable for what he claims you are. And so what? What he did is deflection. Let's not talk about me and my lying. Let's distract you with how bad you are. And then let's make you feel bad about yourself and your weight gain. Then let's try a new angle wrt getting what *I* want.

Leave. He does not get to TELL you you are not breaking up unless you let him.

God this sounds so much like my ex. It doesn't get better. Soon he will be gaslighting you and you will be doubting your own reality as he spins, deflects and reasons at you. Don't Go There anymore.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:42 AM
Status: "Infractionation!" (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Earth
414 posts, read 307,440 times
Reputation: 765
Lying to strangers is bad enough, but someone you're supposed to love...? Ummm no!
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:46 AM
 
7 posts, read 2,154 times
Reputation: 10
He kept saying we aren't breaking up and even if we are, we will be back together (we've broken up over the years for brief periods of time only to reconcile after he "promised" to be more transparent). The last time was last year and he told me he had completed changed and was transparent so based on that, I told him I'd deal with my son's opposition which I did but stopped doing so 6 months later when my bf was back to his old ways.
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Old 08-22-2019, 06:00 AM
 
13,181 posts, read 10,151,628 times
Reputation: 16683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
He kept saying we aren't breaking up and even if we are, we will be back together (we've broken up over the years for brief periods of time only to reconcile after he "promised" to be more transparent). The last time was last year and he told me he had completed changed and was transparent so based on that, I told him I'd deal with my son's opposition which I did but stopped doing so 6 months later when my bf was back to his old ways.
This will not change. Don't live in this for 25 years like I did.
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Old 08-22-2019, 02:44 PM
 
11,975 posts, read 2,963,284 times
Reputation: 5558
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
He expects her to take him into her home and pay less than he is currently paying. He has, in the past and quite likely currently, taken money from her in order to pay for vacations and gifts for his family while claiming credit for his generosity-when in fact she paid for the gifts and good times.



There are no victims, only volunteers.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:12 PM
 
714 posts, read 222,207 times
Reputation: 1953
Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
I appreciate what everyone has said but now I have another problem (nightmare):

so I was ready to break up last night but without yelling and explaining that I've put up with the lying and promises not to lie only to be lied to again and again. When I started to say what I wanted to he IMMEDIATELY STOPPED ME and this is what happened:

at first he said he was remaining calm and told me he knew he wasn't going to the beach with my family next week (he went last year and it was sort of ugly b/c of the bad feelings between my son and him) and I felt trapped about how I was going to tell my son my bf was coming so I planned to break up with him right before. He then brings me a note he wrote supposedly a few weeks ago which said that "[My bf name} will not be going to the beach because {my name} can't deal with her son's opposition."

He said he wrote the note last month b/c he predicted I'd do this. We have gone through similar times where right before a family event I do break up with him but that's because I just didn't want him to be with me at a big event as a result of lying he had be doing right before (again).

I did invite my family (not son though) to my home last month and he was invited the whole time and we all spent time together.

After giving me the note, he started yelling at me about old stories of how I didn't take him to this or that because I was ashamed to be with him (not sure why he thought that) and he went on and on and every time I tried telling him my son is not the root cause but rather its his lack of trustworthiness and honesty, he denied it. He also said his money will never be my business because he's decided to continue to live on his own (that's news to me).

He brought up other times when I was seeing others and he accused me of taking them on a trip (which I did b/c we were not going along at the time) - he said he really resents me for that!!! He asked me if I had sex with the other person I took and what kind of sex and asked all sorts of details...I tried to change the subject but he wouldn't let me yelling at me the whole time.

He further kept on yelling "I'm doing you a favor and you can breadth easy now and have a great time at the beach!!!" said that many times. But then said:

How about if I come down and surprise you with your son and family there - what would you do he asks? Just say "hi" or invite me to stay on the beach and/or go to dinner???? Really???

Next he gave me a hug and said "I love your new curves but most men won't". I gained some weight over the last 2 years but I'm still a "normal" size.

During some of this conversation, he started pushing on my shoulders around the table and I told him to stop, which he eventually did.

Finally, as for the recent lies he told, he said it could have waited until we got back from the beach and I only was doing it to avoid him coming with my family.

As a PS he called and said we aren't really breaking up...if anyone asks, tell them he couldn't come b/c of his work; also, he wants to take me to a nice dinner this weekend and we aren't breaking up.

What do I do now???? Is he right; should I have acted differently? btw, he knows I'm currently coping with one of my best friends dying from cancer and my sister told me last night she may have it too and he knows all of this.

Another PS: Before this happened last night, I caught him in another lie: he went to the liquor store yesterday and when I asked him what he did on his day off, he mentioned things but not the liquor store; I also mentioned he had no liquor left at my home and he said he'd pick some up at some point.

What to do--are you truly asking this question?

Read everything that you've ever written regarding this man (and I mean everything) and pretend that a dear friend or sister was the one who'd written those words. What would your advice be to them?

There's your answer, O.P. You know what to do.
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Old 08-22-2019, 05:14 PM
 
714 posts, read 222,207 times
Reputation: 1953
Quote:
Originally Posted by PilgrimsProgress View Post
There are no victims, only volunteers.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Exactly. I honestly think that these posters are working on a creative writing project. The plot thickens with each thread....
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Old Yesterday, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,576 posts, read 1,309,845 times
Reputation: 4706
My question (because I wasn't sure) was going to be: are his lies financial in nature? Then I saw this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
he wants to lead me to believe he is financially responsible so we can live together.
Yep.

Would you say you've been trying to get him to be financially responsible for a while, because you make a lot more than he does? Even so, he doesn't want to share all of what meager income he has, because he's told you he wants to set money aside in hopes of being financially worthy? You feel he'll never be financially responsible enough to move in, but you love him too much to leave him?

Yes?

Bottom line; it's no good, my friend. This cycle is just going to keep repeating itself. Your son is right.
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Old Yesterday, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,380 posts, read 17,689,845 times
Reputation: 42542
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
What to do--are you truly asking this question?

Read everything that you've ever written regarding this man (and I mean everything) and pretend that a dear friend or sister was the one who'd written those words. What would your advice be to them?

There's your answer, O.P. You know what to do.
Great post.
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Old Yesterday, 09:40 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,380 posts, read 17,689,845 times
Reputation: 42542
Quote:
Originally Posted by Integrityornot View Post
If you loved your SO and you believe they do too, would you leave them if they had a habit of lying about certain things, such as money? Would it make a difference if both don't live together? Even if the lying has no direct impact on you, does it make them less reliable overall or worse (a bad person, etc.)?
IMHO, if a SO has a "habit" of lying (especially about money) then they really don't love you.

And, yes, I would leave them.
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