U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old Yesterday, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Fairfax, VA
859 posts, read 709,101 times
Reputation: 1020

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaminade View Post
...another woman OR another man?

Which would bug you more?

I'm a dude and it would bug me 69 times more if I lost my wife to another dude. If it was a chick, then that's no reflection on me. Nothing I can do about it.

Neither. The loss would be the same (like getting hit by a bus vs a train; the outcome is the same and the means irrelevant).

I would say that losing your wife to a woman would indeed be a reflection on you (she clearly prefers the other woman), but you are correct in saying there is nothing that can be done about it.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old Today, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,221 posts, read 7,480,849 times
Reputation: 21923
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaminade View Post
Ya I suppose it would be shocking if my wife took off with another chick BUT contrary to what others have written, my feelings would be hurt as much if she took off with another dude. (And if your man did it you also might have to worry about AIDS). I just finished this book on a dude who deliberately infected a bunch of women with AIDS. Standing Strong: An Unlikely Sisterhood and the Court Case That Made History
While HIV still does disproportionately affect men who engage in sex with other men, I would be pretty damned angry if my partner carelessly exposed me to STI risk without my informed consent. Knowing as he does that I'm perfectly willing to discuss and negotiate opening our relationship, if that becomes a need that either of us feels, he has NO excuse to be deceptive about it, or take unreasonable chances of bringing any disease home to me. No matter the plumbing of any potential partner.

I would not want to LOSE my partner to anyone. But to find out that he had a previously unknown interest in men would be pretty fascinating and surprising to me. But I don't have any bias against gay or bisexual people, at all, and I think I'd be pretty curious and intrigued about the whole thing if he expressed that kind of an interest to me. Hard to imagine such a thing with my fiance, though.

Now hypothetically, if a partner revealed to me that he was in fact gay, and he'd just been trying his hardest to deny it because of his family, or society, or whatever, but he just couldn't anymore and he needed to be his authentic self and come out and be with another man... I'd be supportive of that, and more graceful about letting him go. I expect that would be a relationship that would transition pretty nicely to a friendship. I want people I care about to be able to live lives of genuine fulfillment, after all.

Whereas my partner just leaving me for another woman would fill my mind with questions about why I wasn't good enough, why she was better, what I did wrong, etc. It would take some healing time to accept that I simply wasn't the right person to fulfill his needs, because the reason would not be as obvious, as it would be if a guy was like, "So...I'm gay..."

I know my self-esteem is not so immovably rock-solid that such a thing would have no effect on me, coming from someone I'm deeply invested and in love with. And the fact that he wanted another person instead of me wouldn't make me simply stop loving him like flipping a switch. It would hurt.

But like...the last time I was hurt by a partner flaking out on me, that whole question/doubt/insecurity piece was what really raked me over the coals. When I found it it was just how he was, he'd done the exact same to other women before me, that really helped me get some closure. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough or was disappointing, it wasn't that I did something wrong and messed it up...it was just how he rolls. Who he is. What he does. To some extent, if a partner came out as gay and broke up with me for that reason, then that would resolve a lot of the chaotic feelings that come with heartbreak for me. I think that closure would be easier.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 09:46 AM
 
8,597 posts, read 7,225,000 times
Reputation: 9064
I donít think either or would affect me in any significantly different way.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 09:57 AM
 
2,155 posts, read 595,414 times
Reputation: 1414
What's kind of interesting, is how I hear these "how we met" stories, and if there's an audience, the person who was the "victim" in the situation...doesn't see this as a "sweet" "how we met" story.

I recall some guy that was speaking to an audience on how met an engaged woman while setting up a volunteer booth at a mall. He asked he to coffee, she was resistant at first...but he was able to talk her into it.

Low and be hold, they dated, got engaged and got married.

A friend of mine at the time said, "What a jerk, because...I WAS that guy that got dumped for the OTHER guy!" Of course, everyone else goes "awwwww".

Sonic, knowing that you follow live music and bands. Apparently, this one dude was slinging drinks at a bar, and met this woman that was the lead singer of a band. She was seriously involved with one of the members.

HE was able to charm her away from said guy, and now, years later they've been married.

Of course, you never hear the "in-between" parts...like did the guy get into a fight with the guy (assuming the guy may be a hot head), or was htere any kind of dram involved"

I have a good friend that told me that a friend of her's, who now got married, the guy prior to her husband, monkey branched (dating someone behind her back...cheating) and dumped her for the new girl he's with now.

Her friends hold total animosity to him as a total jerk, never speaking to him again. Calling him player.

But is it really immoral that these people did this?? I mean, the end game that they wound up married to "the one" but not without cheating or monkey branching to do it?

Most consider these situations outright cheating, since every case I've heard, they were fraternizing with the new perosn behind the other's back.

They are like "Well, it just happened! *shrug*"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
This.

Losing him would make me sad. I don't believe that other people can really steal our partners away. They have the agency to make their own choices, to stay or to go.

I know how to parse out the feeling that I'm comparing myself to someone else...I'm not suggesting that this flavor of jealousy doesn't exist, and I know that I feel a certain kind of hurt when I see his enthusiasm directed at other women...often younger ones. Not even necessarily "prettier" except simply in the sense that life or time has not done things to them, that it has to me. Despite the fact that I'm aging reasonably well I am still 40 years old and can't be anything else. It hurts to think that a partner might prefer something that I cannot be, more than he would prefer me. It hurts even more to think that I threw away my own "value" of being young and pre-kids on a terrible partner like I did.

However, when he is attracted to, or fond of, a woman that we actually know, and that I like, then those feelings of discomfort and comparison just don't exist. I'm happy about him getting all into a person...because they are a cool person... It's the feeling that he's more excited about a fantasy, something that isn't even real, or a silly kid who wouldn't even be a feasible partner choice for him... It's like, "No matter how awesome you make yourself, or how much effort you put into being an amazing partner, you can't compete with a man's drive to chase a hot young body. You are as nothing to that." It is a very conceptual thing for me. It's got deep roots that are more complicated than "losing a partner to a man/woman." It's a sense that no one experiences attraction the way that I do, certainly not the men I've ever met...to the whole person, the who and not just the what. Everybody just cares about the standard indicators of youth, fertility, beauty. It goes beyond any one relationship or scenario. It makes me want to give up on love, sex, and romance entirely. And just enjoy friendship, which for me seems more...genuine. Real. If other people want something fleeting, superficial, even fake, hell...they can play without me.

Well. If I ride that train of thought, that's the end of the line. So most of the time, I choose not to. I can recognize uncomfortable feelings, and be aware and understanding of their machinations in my head, without letting them run the show here.

But man or woman, I think that the nature and expression of a partner's interest in someone else would matter more than their gender.

What I find interesting about this is...in times where my fiance and I have talked about "what if we decided to have a sort of open relationship?" (we always circle back to it being way too much hassle) he has been willing to really dig around in his own feelings on the matter. He says that this one friend of ours who was formerly a partner of mine, he would not mind so much...because he knows the guy, knows that he respects me and will treat me well and respects our relationship. Some other hypothetical man he's never met though? THAT feels threatening and upsetting to contemplate. Of course he has no issues, really, with me being with another woman. He thinks that the experience would be so vastly different that he can't offer me what a woman could, nor vice versa. I'm not really sure that's the case, personally. But men often think this way.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 10:25 AM
 
3,889 posts, read 1,801,928 times
Reputation: 7677
If my partner left, and I was surprised it happened and objectively speaking we still had a decent relationship, I'd respond with feelings of sadness, anger, and self doubt or shame. I imagine my sadness would be about the same whether she left for a man or a woman.

My anger might be greater if she left for a woman. I might wonder if she had always or at least for some time had some feeling that she might be gay, and that like she was with me on a sort of false premise, assuming she had never told me she had some doubts about her sexuality. That's something I'd want to know before she said, "well I'm a lesbian, so I'll see you around". I'd kinda feel doubly betrayed.

My self doubt or shame might be greater if she left for another man. I know when someone leaves an OK relationship for another it's more complicated than dropping cable for a streaming service based on a point by point comparison, but I also know that it might feel like that.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Colorado
12,221 posts, read 7,480,849 times
Reputation: 21923
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
What's kind of interesting, is how I hear these "how we met" stories, and if there's an audience, the person who was the "victim" in the situation...doesn't see this as a "sweet" "how we met" story.

I recall some guy that was speaking to an audience on how met an engaged woman while setting up a volunteer booth at a mall. He asked he to coffee, she was resistant at first...but he was able to talk her into it.

Low and be hold, they dated, got engaged and got married.

A friend of mine at the time said, "What a jerk, because...I WAS that guy that got dumped for the OTHER guy!" Of course, everyone else goes "awwwww".

Sonic, knowing that you follow live music and bands. Apparently, this one dude was slinging drinks at a bar, and met this woman that was the lead singer of a band. She was seriously involved with one of the members.

HE was able to charm her away from said guy, and now, years later they've been married.

Of course, you never hear the "in-between" parts...like did the guy get into a fight with the guy (assuming the guy may be a hot head), or was htere any kind of dram involved"

I have a good friend that told me that a friend of her's, who now got married, the guy prior to her husband, monkey branched (dating someone behind her back...cheating) and dumped her for the new girl he's with now.

Her friends hold total animosity to him as a total jerk, never speaking to him again. Calling him player.

But is it really immoral that these people did this?? I mean, the end game that they wound up married to "the one" but not without cheating or monkey branching to do it?

Most consider these situations outright cheating, since every case I've heard, they were fraternizing with the new perosn behind the other's back.

They are like "Well, it just happened! *shrug*"
I think that there are too many unique variables in each story to paint it so simply. Which is why on the one hand, I don't feel like anyone can "steal" a partner away from someone. The person decides to make a change, whether there is overlap in the two relationships or there isn't. And yet, finding out you have been lied to is painful, and jealousy or self-comparison feelings are painful, too. For many people, it's way easier to blame the third party than to confront the fact that your partner was either not that invested in what you had, or was downright unhappy with it. That there was a reason they were susceptible to the possibility of leaving...on their own, or with a new companion ready to go.

I mean for one thing, I think that if someone leaves with no ready replacement, there are some who think they can get them back. I've known some people who had a new partner that they didn't even keep around long term, they pretty much needed a warm body there to make sure the breakup "stuck" and the old partner really let them go, and didn't keep trying to get them back. I've known some couples that broke up, and one of them said that they were "blindsided" by it, when in fact I knew, heard, witnessed the other telling them all along how unhappy they were. For years! What, did that person just think the person would be fine living unhappily forever? That the constant fights were just a feature and not a bug?

I don't advocate cheating. But I can recognize that human dramas can be complex things.

Hell, I had a boyfriend living with me when I was 18, and I repeatedly tried to break up with him and tell him to leave. That I wanted to be done with him, and I wanted his stuff out of my place. He dismissed me and argued with me and fell back on "you don't know what you're saying" and just refused to heed. I found someone else, and started foolin' around with him (my ex husband) and again, I told the guy, as I'd been doing for a month or so, that we were done, and that now I had someone else, even, and who it was, and so on. He said that guy was just preying on my youthful naivete (maybe true, but if so, BF#1 was doing so first) and that I shouldn't see him and so on, and again he refused to leave. I finally had to have my new person come and throw the guy out, because he otherwise was stubbornly hanging on. Well as he might, since I was supporting and housing his loser butt at the time.

If someone is trying and trying to break up with you, and you shut your eyes, cover your ears, and shout "LALALALALA" and they finally find someone else so that they can get rid of your obtuse self, is it really cheating or monkey branching then? God, I think that was my biggest error and ignorance dating as a young woman. I did not realize that if you let an older guy into your life, getting rid of him would be almost impossible. I was used to high school boys, where everything was pretty much casual and short term by nature.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top