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Old 08-20-2019, 07:48 PM
 
1,481 posts, read 621,808 times
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Okay so some of you know that my best friend of three years, we have been in love with each other for most of our friendship, however, it has only been in the last 4 months that we have started to date and are official. So best friends for 3 years, 4 months of dating so far.

Now I know you are thinking with my title that I am nuts but hear me out. I for one don't want to get married, it's something not on my mind at all. But my boyfriend, the thing he is here on a work visa as he is not a US citizen. He was strictly on a work visa, but with a promotion he received about 2 months ago, they are going to initiate his US Permanent Residency process as he needed to reach a certain managerial level. Now he has reached it. But now his job is abusing him. They are making him work about 70 hour workweeks on average and they dangle his potential residency in front of him in order to get there. For the first month he has been trying, started out positive, but he is starting to reach a breaking point only a couple months in. The thing is he has to be on this intensity for two more years in order to get the Permanent Residency. If he quits his job, visa is revoked and he needs to leave the country, a country that is in shambles right now. He's been at this job for 3 years now and has slaved away for them, but now it's worse. Even in the past few weeks the job has gotten so bad he has started crying, and he is not one to show those emotions.

When I see him struggling with the job and almost being held hostage by his employer for him to get that residency I feel for him. And there are moments where I think "if we just got married so much of this could be alleviated". Again it's not so much that I have a desire for us to get married, it's moreso because I love and care about him so much I want to help in any way, and there is that power to help on my end. I am not doing it because I am dying to get married (actually I don't really believe in marriage) but to help him out. Even if we were to separate down the road, I am okay with him getting citizenship through me. He is a great guy who has worked so hard is whole life, and deserves to catch a break.

He has never mentioned anything to me about marriage or of any of that. Rather he just says this is getting to be too much and he doesn't know how much longer he can take the intensity. I am not saying I would approach him as a solution on my own, but I think if he reaches the point where he says "I need to quit, I am going to do it, I just can't do it anymore, I just don't know what to do", I think that is maybe where I will throw the suggestion.

Let's say for some reason we decide to do it, I wouldn't want anyone to know nor would I celebrate it, I see it more as a transactional act, to help him out. Even if we were just friends I would propose doing something like this for him. Of course I would be lying to also say it's a way to make sure I don't lose him too.

Also, while this thought always was in the back of my mind since things have gotten intense for him, I never put much meat into it. Yesterday, I mentioned it to my mom, how stressed out he is and how bad I feel, and she said "He might as well just marry you, it would make things easier for the both of you." Since my mom has said that it's been now on my mind.

Thoughts?
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Old 08-20-2019, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,596 posts, read 7,919,474 times
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I think you need to do some research on the laws around this. Marriage isn't an automatic means of him being allowed to stay in the U.S., especially if it's perceived as being the only reason for the marriage. I'm far from an expert on the issues, but there is also no guarantee he'd be permitted to work immediately. You'll probably need a lawyer as the system is very complex.

My son's friend married a woman from a Middle Eastern country. It took months before she was permitted to come to the U.S.
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Old 08-20-2019, 09:27 PM
 
1,481 posts, read 621,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I think you need to do some research on the laws around this. Marriage isn't an automatic means of him being allowed to stay in the U.S., especially if it's perceived as being the only reason for the marriage. I'm far from an expert on the issues, but there is also no guarantee he'd be permitted to work immediately. You'll probably need a lawyer as the system is very complex.

My son's friend married a woman from a Middle Eastern country. It took months before she was permitted to come to the U.S.
Yes good point. I am very fortunate that actually my sister is lawyer, that specializes in marriage and family law. So I would consult with her. With that being said, this only has come to me as a thought as being a possibility when my mother mentioned it yesterday. I will always had it in the back of my head as a possibility, but never took it too seriously. Now that someone else brought it up and seeing how he's struggling it's definitely become more on the front of my mind.

Just to reiterate, I don't see this being as Option A, rather as an Option B. I believe we continue as is, and if he truly reaches a breaking point of no return with the job, then I would present Option B.

In regards to your son's friends was she ever living in the US prior to that? I wonder if the simple fact that he is already living here, had a visa, helps moreso than the situation your son's friend was in.
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Old 08-21-2019, 04:07 AM
 
12,398 posts, read 13,713,677 times
Reputation: 14466
Do you love him?

Are you in love with him?

If yes, than yes get married.
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Old 08-21-2019, 04:14 AM
 
4,204 posts, read 1,804,799 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
Yes good point. I am very fortunate that actually my sister is lawyer, that specializes in marriage and family law. So I would consult with her. With that being said, this only has come to me as a thought as being a possibility when my mother mentioned it yesterday. I will always had it in the back of my head as a possibility, but never took it too seriously. Now that someone else brought it up and seeing how he's struggling it's definitely become more on the front of my mind.

Just to reiterate, I don't see this being as Option A, rather as an Option B. I believe we continue as is, and if he truly reaches a breaking point of no return with the job, then I would present Option B.

In regards to your son's friends was she ever living in the US prior to that? I wonder if the simple fact that he is already living here, had a visa, helps moreso than the situation your son's friend was in.
Marriage and family law is not the same field as immigration law. She may be of no help to you. You need to consult with an immigration attorney.
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Old 08-21-2019, 04:27 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
7,766 posts, read 4,985,379 times
Reputation: 12787
Crazy? Maybe. Naive yes.

This isn't a question of love, it's more about law. I would talk to an attorney. Specifically one who specializes in this field.
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Old 08-21-2019, 05:07 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,831 posts, read 62,892,259 times
Reputation: 32818
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Crazy? Maybe. Naive yes.

This isn't a question of love, it's more about law.
I would talk to an attorney. Specifically one who specializes in this field.
In the meantime...
http://www.city-data.com/forum/legal-immigration/
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Old 08-21-2019, 07:06 AM
 
Location: western East Roman Empire
6,704 posts, read 10,768,080 times
Reputation: 5932
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
Do you love him?

Are you in love with him?

If yes, than yes get married.
Marriage, any marriage, is first and foremost a legal contract governed by county and state law, and in some cases by national law. Period.

In fact, the OP is properly considering this proposition from a legal standpoint and is consulting attorneys.


"Romance" and "love" are personal ancillary issues in some childish fantasy notion of "marriage". Yes, sometimes it works out that way, but most of the time it doesn't; either way, we always live by the rule of law.

Good luck to OP in her decision and the outcomes, unexpected or not.
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Old 08-21-2019, 09:17 AM
 
1,481 posts, read 621,808 times
Reputation: 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Crazy? Maybe. Naive yes.

This isn't a question of love, it's more about law. I would talk to an attorney. Specifically one who specializes in this field.
Yeah, I am thinking of talking to my sister to see if she knows a good immigration lawyer.
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Old 08-21-2019, 09:20 AM
 
1,481 posts, read 621,808 times
Reputation: 1766
Quote:
Originally Posted by bale002 View Post
Marriage, any marriage, is first and foremost a legal contract governed by county and state law, and in some cases by national law. Period.

In fact, the OP is properly considering this proposition from a legal standpoint and is consulting attorneys.


"Romance" and "love" are personal ancillary issues in some childish fantasy notion of "marriage". Yes, sometimes it works out that way, but most of the time it doesn't; either way, we always live by the rule of law.

Good luck to OP in her decision and the outcomes, unexpected or not.
At the moment this is how I see it. For me this is more transnational to help him out and we are already in a position that easily falls into place for this. If we already had been dating for years, I would bring this up for sure, but since our dating is so fresh, I don't want to put pressure on it.

More of presenting to him as a "If there is ever a point where you can't take your current situation, you have this option to fall back on and consider."
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