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Old 08-22-2019, 07:31 AM
 
1,232 posts, read 1,371,263 times
Reputation: 1940

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
Wow. Yeah, you need to give it a break. Get real. Your anguish is all mental because it sounds like your relationship was in name only. Give yourself six months or so to find some emotional self-sufficiency and clean up your act.

Youíre not particularly old. You write well. You donít drink. You have a job and earn decent money.

Just go through the motions and take better care of yourself.
EXACTLY! Everybody needs some "find myself" time after a breakup. All that you want will happen. You probably aren't emotionally ready for what you think you want right now. If you do find the right woman, can you handle "the right" relationship when you are in the rebound mode? Take some time for you and seriously look when you are emotionally ready. That time is not right now.

 
Old 08-22-2019, 07:52 AM
 
2,451 posts, read 864,604 times
Reputation: 6206
I agree with the earlier posts- take some time to breathe. Even if the perfect woman crossed your path right now you might not be ready for another relationship. And do work on giving up smoking. I suppose right now it's a coping mechanism but if you quit you'll improve your health, save money AND appeal to more prospective dates. Not drinking? Not weird at all, IMO. I enjoy alcohol in moderation but it eventually killed my Ex so I don't make a hobby of it and I NEVER question anyone's reasons for abstaining.

I'm 66 and widowed and did find a good guy on Match.com. I had to sort through a lot of deal-breakers- guys who looked like Old McDonald, one whose entire statement was, "I like outdoors, horseshoes and tractors", a few impossibly gorgeous scammers, and 85-year old who was separated and described himself as "lonely"... but I did all that on line. The 4 guys I met in person were all consistent with their profiles and the 4th one had the mutual chemistry we both sought. He's not as athletic as I am but on a recent trip to my favorite B&B on the Katy Trail I went out in my bike, he relaxed and we enjoyed the rest of the time together exploring the area. A little compromise is fine!
 
Old 08-22-2019, 08:11 AM
 
7,124 posts, read 2,561,532 times
Reputation: 16307
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
Remove age from the equation, and no more beating around the bush, I saw a bunch of trashy women. Even winding the clock back 20 years on them, I wouldn't have been interested then either. Maybe not the most fair analysis based on a few profiles (and yes, they may be lovely in real life), but that's what I saw. I saw 1 or 2 profiles were they were not just outright trashy.


So... Yes, maybe you're confirming that I'm looking at a bad selection of women right now by happenstance or geography.


I get that... I've online dated for nearly 20 years now (though obviously not on the market full time). I'm more curious about what I should do to meet "my people", since I kind of don't have any. Most of my pursuits are solitary or just massively male dominated. If I go to a car show or something, I'd venture to say most of the women are already there with men. So... I don't know what to do.


I don't want to get out and do anything, anywhere. I'm a homebody. That's both by choice and somewhat by necessity. My ideal life would be owning a little bit of land that I can peacefully live my life on, and it's something I'm working toward. Moving to a better dating area doesn't seem like it would help me since I already expanded the search out to cover a 400 mile wide circle and still didn't see much. I'm really hoping I just have bad timing.

I'm 40.
I don't want to sound mean, but this might sound mean...what would make you dateable? Everything you're saying about yourself seems to preclude having a woman in your life.


Also, I don't think you should be dating right now, either. IMO, you should wait AT LEAST 6 months. Probably longer.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,594 posts, read 4,377,564 times
Reputation: 5426
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post


However, what I'm seeing out there are women that are just horror shows. I'm talking women of all ages with face or neck tattoos. Women who want to sit in lawn chairs in the back yard and get drunk while their kids jump on trampolines. Women who want to do loads of outdoor activities that I hate (and just can't do for health reasons, some explained above). Then there's a large contingent of women that appear to be leaving dead bedrooms and just want to party (or may be actual ads for prostitutes... who knows?). Basically, my VERY judgemental, day 1 of being dumped view, is that I'm seeing lots and lots of "practice girls" that never moved on and are all a massive downgrade from where I was, even though we had our own problems.



So... From the people that have been there, what are my odds really looking like here? Also, I'm assuming 6 months or more in the future when I'll be in a better place and not nearly as "judgey", but my criteria is going to be about the same. A nice accomplished woman with a similar life, similar goals and desires to me.


I also don't want you to get the impression that I'm looking for some type of perfection that doesn't exist. I have loads of my own warts, and I've learned today that anyone dating at my age is going to be right full of baggage too, so I expect all of that. I'm also not looking for rich or super attractive women. I'm basically thinking a typical 35-45 year old professional woman (teacher, healthcare, whatever) would be fine, but I'm just not finding them...


I appreciate any thoughts you can share. Again, I'm really sorry if this was all too gruff. I'm just in a bad spot right now.
Yep, thats accurate. Its a Mod cut. for sure. I got divorced 10 years ago, and the dating scene over that time has gotten progressively worse. I think its that way most places with the swipe culture, but its very bad where I live. Wish I could tell you you're wrong and its all good, but I can't. For the record, I'm looking for the same age range and see the exact same things you do.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-27-2019 at 06:40 PM.. Reason: Inappropriate language; circumventing the filter.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,594 posts, read 4,377,564 times
Reputation: 5426
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Its like trying to mine for gold now. Lots of promises, lots of hope, lots of sand, but very rare to find actual gold.

One unintended consequence is, if you keep your standards up and continue on, you'll find that enough time has passed that you've gotten used to being alone and it's not that big of a deal anymore that you don't have someone.

So date whenever you feel like it. Or not. Whatever you want.
Yep, this exactly.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 12:52 PM
 
7,862 posts, read 3,085,657 times
Reputation: 13010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Yep, thats accurate. Its a [Snip.] for sure. I got divorced 10 years ago, and the dating scene over that time has gotten progressively worse. I think its that way most places with the swipe culture, but its very bad where I live. Wish I could tell you you're wrong and its all good, but I can't. For the record, I'm looking for the same age range and see the exact same things you do.
And 'they' are seeing you! You guys and your 'all online women are crap' are not understanding that they are in the same boat as you, and seeing their equivalent.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-27-2019 at 06:41 PM..
 
Old 08-22-2019, 01:02 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,594 posts, read 4,377,564 times
Reputation: 5426
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
And 'they' are seeing you! You guys and your 'all online women are crap' are not understanding that they are in the same boat as you, and seeing their equivalent.
You don't know us, so how can you say that? I get told all the time that I'm quite the catch. The issue is that its from women I'm not interested in. And since I'm always working on myself and growing, I know I'm a catch. I don't mean that in an arrogant way either. Back off the insults, especially since our comments weren't directed at you specifically.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 01:13 PM
 
7,862 posts, read 3,085,657 times
Reputation: 13010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
You don't know us, so how can you say that? I get told all the time that I'm quite the catch. The issue is that its from women I'm not interested in. And since I'm always working on myself and growing, I know I'm a catch. I don't mean that in an arrogant way either. Back off the insults, especially since our comments weren't directed at you specifically.
Like I posted, you aren't seeing it. There is some "woman online" out there thinking: "and I have just the opposite problem, I'm the one who's the catch and all I get is worms!"

ETA: Then they'll throw in the part of women doing OLD having inflated egos and shooting out of their league....
 
Old 08-22-2019, 01:16 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,197 posts, read 13,059,280 times
Reputation: 31712
You got dumped yesterday and already looking for someone new?


You are part of the horror show then - no one wants to date someone who isn't emotionally available. Other than that - yes, it is horribly difficult to find a normal person out there.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Texas
10,212 posts, read 3,909,513 times
Reputation: 20671
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
It's just the ones I found I want nothing to do with... I mean, it's cool if you're into face tattoos, but I'm not. I thought geography might be an issue too, so I opened up to 200 miles (catching Chicago and Indianapolis in the process) and things did not improve..
If you do online dating and see their profile picture, you should be able to see right away if they have face tattoos. Are there that many women with tattoos on their face?

With OLD you should meet up, and then quickly move on if no chemistry. Line up 3 to 4 dates a week if you need to. It's a numbers game.
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