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Old 08-22-2019, 01:27 PM
 
7,856 posts, read 3,083,151 times
Reputation: 12990

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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
If you do online dating and see their profile picture, you should be able to see right away if they have face tattoos. Are there that many women with tattoos on their face?

With OLD you should meet up, and then quickly move on if no chemistry. Line up 3 to 4 dates a week if you need to. It's a numbers game.
I don't think the guys with this attitude actually go on dates. The OP shouldn't anyway, too early, but all of Chicago is facial tattoos? There is no one good enough in Chicago....hmmm

 
Old 08-22-2019, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
44,051 posts, read 42,635,560 times
Reputation: 85182
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post

... but all of Chicago is facial tattoos? There is no one good enough in Chicago....hmmm
And Detroit, apparently.

So the OP knows he was in a bad place when he posted this, and he acknowledges that he is not Mr. Perfect.

However, even with all the revelation, the meat of what HE is offering is this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post

I'm no awesome catch in terms of good looks or physique

... I have a good job

...I have a very good education

I have all of the normal adult things going on (a little savings, vehicles, a place to live, etc)

...I'm generally a pretty decent guy.

I also don't have any kids.

I am a homebody and I developed anxiety issues several years ago that make things like going out on normal dates absolutely miserable for me.

Women who want to do loads of outdoor activities that I hate (and just can't do for health reasons, some explained above).

I'm absolutely damning myself by being a smoker.

...the political climate is making things hard too as a guy that is a fairly traditional mid-western conservative.
I wonder how many of the women in those profiles would describe themselves the same way^^?

"Not great looking, pretty decent person, smoker."

Last edited by BirdieBelle; 08-22-2019 at 02:06 PM..
 
Old 08-22-2019, 02:13 PM
 
Location: California
996 posts, read 269,482 times
Reputation: 2830
The biggest problem is your attitude, OP. You come off very negative. You should never go into anything asking "how bad" it's going to be. That sort of pessimism is not only a huge turn off, but it's also going to make it difficult to attract anything good.

Another thing I found off putting about your post is you seem to be saying "I smoke" as if that's not your choice. Why not quit smoking? Why not take control of your life, empower yourself, and make a change?
 
Old 08-22-2019, 03:07 PM
 
7,856 posts, read 3,083,151 times
Reputation: 12990
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
And Detroit, apparently.

So the OP knows he was in a bad place when he posted this, and he acknowledges that he is not Mr. Perfect.

However, even with all the revelation, the meat of what HE is offering is this:



I wonder how many of the women in those profiles would describe themselves the same way^^?

"Not great looking, pretty decent person, smoker."
Yeah, that's what I picked out. I tried to be understanding until all the criticism of others rolled in, or landslide maybe...
OP- attitude comes through. Other guys do this too, you may say: "Well of course I don't respond like this to women in real life, only you women here!" But you're the one with the dating issue and you may want to know what women are seeing.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 03:22 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
79,378 posts, read 71,668,399 times
Reputation: 77757
IDK, OP, Maybe this has already been said, but if all you can find in your environment/location is a "horror show", you should consider relocating. There are TONS of awesome women at 40, and in that general age range, but apparently, they're not where you live. The NE, the West Coast and Colorado are some of the prime locations for happy hunting. er... I mean..."searching".

edit: oh, but the smoking could be an issue with women in those locations, just saying.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 03:23 PM
 
Location: Continental Europe
799 posts, read 163,800 times
Reputation: 1307
Stop looking at the smokers and quit smoking. The only person I know who smokes has neck tattoos LOL.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,593 posts, read 4,376,090 times
Reputation: 5423
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
IDK, OP, Maybe this has already been said, but if all you can find in your environment/location is a "horror show", you should consider relocating. There are TONS of awesome women at 40, and in that general age range, but apparently, they're not where you live. The NE, the West Coast and Colorado are some of the prime locations for happy hunting. er... I mean..."searching".

edit: oh, but the smoking could be an issue with women in those locations, just saying.
Exactly. This is what I've been trying to do for years. Move. It's not easy to just pick up and move, and I would have a job lined up first, but yeah, it really is the only answer unless you want a mail order bride. Sad, but true.

Its easy to quit smoking. Well, maybe not easy, but easier than it used to be. There's a product on the market that helps you do it gradually. I have a buddy who smoked a lot and he was able to quit with that product. I forget the name of it, but you can easily find it online I'm sure.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 04:30 PM
 
351 posts, read 220,774 times
Reputation: 510
I guess I didn't make it clear, so I will now.


I'm in no hurry to date! I was looking for other fish as a motivational tool to clam myself down after being spontaneously dumped, from out of the middle of nowhere, from a 12 year relationship. You can call it whatever you want, but I'd call it panic browsing...


I'm not trying to date ANYONE any time soon... So, to the roughly 90% of commenters telling me that I'm not ready to date, relax... Geesh...



It's as good of a time as any to mention that I also have said, I think 2 or 3 times now, that I'm a pretty conservative guy and I've got people on here looking down their nose at me because I'm not finding good matches in Chicago or Detroit... Who would have ever imagined that absolutely solid blue areas are going to have mostly blue women (and why do I want to drive 150 miles to meet them)? It's fine if you disagree with my politics, but I'm not going to date anybody who doesn't align, at least approximately, again. In the beginning, that's what I used to have, and then she just became more and more extreme in her opinions to the point that she made me an enemy... No more of that. No more women that can't come up with $20 (or even $2000) in an emergency either... So far, my bar isn't all that high here. So, again, some of you need to relax.






Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Yep, thats accurate. Its a [Snip.] for sure. I got divorced 10 years ago, and the dating scene over that time has gotten progressively worse. I think its that way most places with the swipe culture, but its very bad where I live. Wish I could tell you you're wrong and its all good, but I can't. For the record, I'm looking for the same age range and see the exact same things you do.

It's terrifying how many people haven't bothered to answer the question I asked, except you and a couple of others who tried. Thanks. I was starting to think it was just me... And if you've been out there searching for 10 years then you picked up almost exactly where I left off in the dating scene. It sounds like you've seen exactly the change I'm talking about as well and that change isn't that they're just older. I'm also open to believing that geography and all of that can be a factor, but it never was a problem 12-15 years ago when I was last dating a fair bit. My smoking is the one thing that I can absolutely, without question, look at and very clearly see the social changes from 10-15 years ago as now being a problem for me, and I counted on that one going in. I didn't expect everything else.

Last edited by PJSaturn; Yesterday at 06:45 PM..
 
Old 08-22-2019, 04:37 PM
 
351 posts, read 220,774 times
Reputation: 510
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983 View Post
Stop looking at the smokers and quit smoking. The only person I know who smokes has neck tattoos LOL.

Ultimately, this has been my general conclusion on the topic as well. I've sabotaged the pool before even putting a toe back in it.


I think maybe these days I'm an outlier in the data... I just grew up in a family where EVERYONE smoked, so about 1/2 of the kids ended up smokers too. No rebellious neck tattoos required. Just a bad luck at picking my parents and even worse decision making as an adult. I'm not sure how at 40 it seems that the smart kids quit (or obviously never started) and the rest got neck tattoos, but I've slipped through both cracks so far.
 
Old 08-22-2019, 05:04 PM
 
706 posts, read 220,840 times
Reputation: 1938
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max_is_here View Post
Without getting into lots of details, I yesterday evening I was unceremoniously dumped via email after 12 years together (never married, and a long distance relationship the last 7, which has a hell of a lot to do with the problem) and I'm thinking it's probably going to be a lasting thing.


In an effort to "buck up" some today, I scoured all of the dating sites to see what is out there. From what I can tell since I last went looking for a new girlfriend when I was 28, it's a horror show by contrast. I'm sure it varies from region to region, and frankly from time to time based on just the dumb luck of who is available, but it is BLEAK right now.


I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, or be pretentious, be realize the wound is still VERY fresh and I'm not picking on any individual person or their circumstances. I don't know anyone here, or on all of those dating sites... So, if I say something with less tact than I should have, please accept my apology up front.



To frame what I mean... I'm no awesome catch in terms of good looks or physique, but I have a good job, I have a very good education, I have all of the normal adult things going on (a little savings, vehicles, a place to live, etc), and I'm generally a pretty decent guy. I'm a generous lover and I just generally like spending time with someone I love and I don't mind being the high tide that raises all ships if the situation is good. What I mostly want in life is for others to leave me alone and I will pay them the same courtesy, even at my expense. I also don't have any kids. So, I'm almost exactly "Mr. No Excitement". I am a homebody and I developed anxiety issues several years ago that make things like going out on normal dates absolutely miserable for me. That said, guys like retired Navy SEALS have those problems way worse than I do and they all end up with great women (not that I'm in their league, but...), so, it's clearly not impossible with the right attitude. I'm never going to do runs or pulls ups against those guys, but I can't think of a reason I can't have the same mental hardness that they've developed to overcome their own obstacles. So, anyhow, the last thing in the world I want to do is go out bar hopping... Especially since I don't drink. And I'm in a new town. Plus I've never had any luck picking up women that way. ALL of my girlfriends all the way back to just after high school I've found online. Back then it was actually pretty awesome, because the women you would find had a pretty high level of technical skills. Over the years I've ended up dating a chemist, PhD level linguist, and some other really awesome women that just didn't work out for assorted reasons... Until it did... for 12 years...



Keeping in mind I'm not targeting any of YOU with my opinions here:



However, what I'm seeing out there are women that are just horror shows. I'm talking women of all ages with face or neck tattoos. Women who want to sit in lawn chairs in the back yard and get drunk while their kids jump on trampolines. Women who want to do loads of outdoor activities that I hate (and just can't do for health reasons, some explained above). Then there's a large contingent of women that appear to be leaving dead bedrooms and just want to party (or may be actual ads for prostitutes... who knows?). Basically, my VERY judgemental, day 1 of being dumped view, is that I'm seeing lots and lots of "practice girls" that never moved on and are all a massive downgrade from where I was, even though we had our own problems.



So... From the people that have been there, what are my odds really looking like here? Also, I'm assuming 6 months or more in the future when I'll be in a better place and not nearly as "judgey", but my criteria is going to be about the same. A nice accomplished woman with a similar life, similar goals and desires to me.


One thing I'm feeling right off the bat, and I've seen coming for years now, is that I'm absolutely damning myself by being a smoker. Including myself in this camp when I say it, it seems that only the biggest of idiots are still sucking down cancer canes on the regular and I feel that's going to destroy my chances more than almost anything at this point. 12 years ago it really wasn't that big of a deal to find a girl that was decent and smoked, but, I think the decent ones got smarter since then. It also appears that the political climate is making things hard too as a guy that is a fairly traditional mid-western conservative. I don't love everything any politician does, but I'm totally not into the calling people names about who they voted for gambit and there seems to be a lot of that right now too.



Anyhow, again, I'm not trying to be super offensive to anyone here personally (I don't know you, I'm not trying to date you, please don't be offended if I just perfectly described you and then made other false assumptions about YOU, because that's not what I'm intending to do)...



I'm just really sad and the doorway I opened today only made it worse, where in the past it was like "wow, look at all of those fish!". What are my real options here? Do I need to start attending some social clubs or professional organizations or something and "troll" for women there (seems like a great way to find wonderful women that have probably been married for at least 10 years, imo, thus not being at all helpful)? Or is online dating just fine and it's me looking at the bad apples right now that is getting me down?


I also don't want you to get the impression that I'm looking for some type of perfection that doesn't exist. I have loads of my own warts, and I've learned today that anyone dating at my age is going to be right full of baggage too, so I expect all of that. I'm also not looking for rich or super attractive women. I'm basically thinking a typical 35-45 year old professional woman (teacher, healthcare, whatever) would be fine, but I'm just not finding them...


I appreciate any thoughts you can share. Again, I'm really sorry if this was all too gruff. I'm just in a bad spot right now.
I've had good male friends with the some of the same concerns as you have regarding dating, although they don't have the additional baggage of being smokers, having anxiety to the degree that you do that precludes what most people (even many introverts) would consider to be normal social activities, and being deeply conservative, i.e. not the old-school traditional fiscal conservative with something of a social conscience, but the newer type that turns a blind eye to the shenanigans of the distraction who currently occupies the big house on Pennsylvania Avenue (I don't know where your leanings are, per se, but given that your girlfriend freaked out, I'm guessing that you're not the former type--not that it matters here in this forum).

Your politics aside, the smoking and especially the social anxiety would be the true deal breakers for many women as it's nice to sometimes get outside of the house and do a variety of things with a significant other. The fact that you do not drink is not a net negative. Speaking as someone who was once married to someone who was alcohol dependent, it's appealing to be with someone who doesn't *have* to drink.

Dating has not been easy for these guy friends of mine, but the one who has had the greatest success in dating created his own special interest group(s) over the years. (He met his current girlfriend through the urban exploration and photography group that he created. So far, so good it seems.) He also did the usual Match.com, etc., with varied results.

From the female perspective: I've only done online dating exactly once, which is how I met my current partner. According to him, I'm an extreme outlier in that he's the only person he knows who has had a one hundred percent success rate with online dating. Dating post-divorce hasn't been bad, but save my age, I don't have any of the traits of the women who you have seen online except that I do enjoy outdoor activities. (No children, no tattoos, don't drink as a form of entertainment or smoke, etc.)

I wish you luck in dating once you've healed a bit. There are still plenty of "keepers" out there, O.P. Try not to become prematurely disheartened.
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